BENEATH DOWNTOWN CHICAGO
In his wifi-capable cave, hidden in the subway tunnels, Dale was scouring the internet for information about Polygonal Gaming that wasn't on their website. He cursed himself for spending all night on Steam, but he was happy with his new purchases. There was a sale; every game was 10,000% off, including recently released PC copies of Wii and 3DS exclusives. Finally Dale can play all the games Jonathan Holmes loves!
He clicked on Staff
and his screen showed the names of all Poly employees. The first name he saw was Bubsy Ricciticcitello – CEO/Editor-in-chief/Hereditary Monarch. No! The evil Raccoon John has spawned hellspawn!
Bubsy's father, John, had gained slight fame in the gaming press for his bloody 483-year reign over Electrical Artisan Studios, transforming it from a small soup kitchen for orphaned leper kittens into a multinational corporation that built concentration camps and filled them with orphaned leper kittens.
Narrator X - They stole me.
Dale searched for Bubsy and found a 2012 video interview with her father, conducted by the fine “journalists” of Large IED, a well-known gaming blog. He clicked play and had to sit through several minutes of ads in Swiss. Fucking proxy servers
. Then the interview started.
“Why is every game released by Electrical Artisan Studios the bestest game ever?” asked the “journalist.”
“Well,” said Bubsy's father, “that's a good question. EAS games aren't solitary, one-off experiences. For example, ever played Portal? There's literally only one way to beat each level. The story never changes; and change is a huge marker of quality. Portal doesn't even have a cover system. Or a suite of iOS apps and books and graphic novels. You can't customize your portal gun. You can't engage in wave-based combat against increasingly powerful enemies. You can't save the galaxy. You can't purchase fish for your captain's quarters. There's no dubstep. No recharging health. Yikes. No thanks, man. I'll take Mass Effect 3 over Portal any day of the week.”
“And your daughter, Bubsy? She seems destined to follow in dad's amazing footsteps.”
“She's doing a really fantastic job over at Polygonal Gaming. I couldn't be more proud. And she had the great sense to snatch up Samit Sarkar from Destructoid.” Samit Sarkar!
Dale was struck by an unthinkable idea that he instantly knew was true. Samit Sarkar IS Samitshaska!!!!!!!!!
Then he realized nine exclamation points were not enough for his emotions, so he added several more of them. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Samit and Bubsy are gonna increase Poly's shares by at least $14 each. Anyone thinking of buying should do so right now.”
“Tell us little about how DRECK is gonna improve gaming.”
“For anybody who doesn't know, DRECK is short for Foundation for the Advancement of Cover Systems, Online Passes, Shoehorned Multiplayer, DLC Suites, RPG Elements, and Corporate Kickstarter Campaigns. The whole acronym is FFTAOCSOPSMDSREAECK. We shortened it to DRECK in order to give it more zoom, more zazz, more pizzow. DRECK reminds you of 'direct' or 'recreation.' Direct Recreation is what we aim to offer the entire gaming community. And 'K' is a letter that really resonates with our audience.
"Our plan is multifold. It involves synergy, upward horizontal growth trend shaping, turnover capitalization, entreprellanthropy, capitalizing on the backend, and producing IWs, or 'Increase Waves,' of market growth saturation. In more ground-level detail, we plan to buy out all currently existing developers and incorporate them into DRECK. Luckily, the Save Gaming Act has just passed Congress, which makes our job easier. Soon all indie developers – parasites working to destroy gaming – will be arrested. However, they will be treated more fairly than they deserve. After arrest they will be shipped to one of our Indie Paradise Facilities. Each IAF is a wonderful place to live and they're totally not starvation camps filled with gas chambers.”
“Who runs this awesome new venture?”
“I do, of course. After resigning from EAS, I needed a way to stay involved with the industry I love so much. Bubsy is my VP. Samit Sarkar is CFO/Whipmaster General in addition to his duties at Poly. We have the capital and know-how to make this an immediate success. The gaming community will tremble with gratitude.”
“Sounds very cool, man. Very dystopia-chic. I'm pumped. Bring on the horse armor!”
“Thanks for having me. Keep doing the great work. It really helps to have people out there doing our own PR work for us, emphasizing only the positive aspects of games in your reviews. And those consistently middle-of-the-road reviews are stellar.”
Dale paused the video. What has Dale just seen?
There, on his screen, contained within a 6 minute interview, was all the evidence he needed to rally Dtoid and get revenge for Andy and Niero. Why is nobody talking about this? This is a huge deal.
He hit CTRL-T and opened his email. The Evidence Against Polygonal Gaming
, he wrote in the subject line. Then he erased it. They'll never read that. I need a title that captures attention.
He wrote Free iPad Miley Cyrus Nudes – Dtoid Exclusive!!!
His friends and coworkers might not care about an email containing evidence against Poly and Samit, but everyone would open a link to a video promising free iPads. The perfect click-bait
, he thought.
Dale sent his spam across the tubes and surfed over to The Pirate Bay because he was worse than Hitler.
LOOK WHO CAME: