It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.
I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.
Dearest most dear followers, comrades, and Human Infiltrators (Samit),
It is with the most specious and utmost of pleasures that I introduce to you Louis, my first Filthy Human To Whom I Wish To Interrogate (FHTWIWTI). He has brown hair, looks very frightened, has soiled his clothing, is tied to a chair, and is trying to reach the telephone in my apartment.
They're so cute when they're scared!
Anyhows, I will soon ask him a Gran Bloc of Interrogation Questions for Asking of Humans in Furtherance of Our Eventual Objective (GBIQAHFOEOs). His responses will hopefully help us determine how to proceed with our Zombie Liberation Movement.
I have also sent questions to some of you. If you would like to participate in this great experiment, let me know! All ya gotta do is comment below stating interest (or create your own Dtoid post titled "Talking To Humans About Videogames").
Okay, question time!
1. Yes or no: How much influence does the typical human have in our beloved Videogames Industry?
I don't really know. My first thought is "not much," simply due to the fact that individuals really have no influence on industries.
2. What is the typical human's favorite developer?
That's a stupid question. First of all, the "typical human" wouldn't be able to name a single videogame developer besides Nintendo. Second, even among gamers there is no clear favorite. For example, EA is despised by many gamers, yet they own many of the biggest franchises in the entire industry.
3. Do you realize that you ended both of your previous answers with the word "industry"?
I don't care.
3.5 Given that the objective of 91% of videogames is to find hilarious ways for the zombie antagonists to murder the player-controlled character, why do some humans insist on gaming?
Zombie Orwell: Please answer the question.
Louis: Have you ever played any games? The vast majority of games have nothing to do with zombies. Also, every game that DOES have zombies (with the exception of Stubbs the Zombie) is about killing them.
4. Will you surrender?
I'm tied up, jackass. I couldn't resist even if I tried.
Zombie Orwell: I meant to say: "Will humans surrender when the zombie horde descends upon them like waves upon the shore?
Louis: That's a shitty metaphor. But no. We won't surrender. We'll fight you as hard as we fucking can. You'll probably win, because you have time on your side and are harder to kill than we are, but we'll never surrender.
5. If you're so scared of me, why are you able to form complete, coherent sentences?
Don't try to break the fourth wall. It's never funny or charming.
6. What is your favorite videogame?
I don't know. I've spent a lot of time playing all the Assassin's Creed games. They might not have the best combat or stealth, but I really enjoy the sense of place. The music is pretty great, too. But I don't like how it tries to be too actiony all the time.
7. If you are granted the privilege of becoming an Undeceased Citizen, what skills will you bring to our movement?
Zombie Orwell: Answer the question.
Zombie Orwell: If you don't answer my questions, how do you expect me to destroy human society?
Louis: I don't care.
8. Very well. What's the easiest way of dismantling human society?
The easiest way, honestly, is to leave us alone. We're doing a fine job of it ourselves. There's a gigantic island of garbage in the Pacific Ocean, nuclear waste from Fukishima made it as far as Hawaii, etc etc etc. The only thing you'll accomplish is to unite humanity for once.
9. Would you like to become an undeceased individual now?
No, fuck you. Get back. Oh shit. Stop stop stop stop. Jesus, ffffffuuuuuuu. Aaaaaaaaa. Aaaaaaaaaa. Oh gaaa please don't.
END OF INTERVIEW
As you can see, I had to end the interview there. He became completely unintelligible after a few seconds.
Overall, I think the interview was a success! We will need several more before a clear picture of the way forward appears, but this was very instructive.