It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.
I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.
In this edition, Occams Electric Toothbrush joins the massacre. He has sequestered a Filthy Human and has attempted to gain valuable knowledges from it. He has fared quite well considering the fact that he's both a zombie AND a battery-powered dental device for a philosopher who died many many many weeks ago. (I like him because his name implies that he possesses a vast intellect as well as a rich array of The Humors. I think The Humors are very important. This is why my prose is devastatingly cognosent and comical.)
Quick note: The questions are from me (Zombie Orwell) and the answers are from Occams's filthy sequestered human.
1. Yes or no: How much influence does the typical human have in our beloved Videogames Industry?
-Too much influence if you ask me. Humans take their fingers which have been inside secret places and then make these games and everything feels wrong and sticky and its all broken glass and ham paste.
2. What is the typical human's favorite developer?
-The typical human doesn't know what a developer is so they just eat Ore Ida frozen has brown patties until their insides turn grey and soft.
3. Given that the objective of 91% of videogames is to find hilarious ways for the zombie antagonists to murder the player-controlled character, why do some humans insist on gaming?
-They hurt. Inside the Orange Julius franchise that humans call a mind, they all fucking hurt and want the pain to stop.
4. Will you surrender?
-To quote Cheap Trick, "Surrender, Surrender, but don't give yourself away."
5. How many licks does it take? Why or why not?
-Ah, the age old question. It takes as many as it takes as each encounter in the Wal-mart ladies room is unique. But remember to trim your nails first.
6. What is your favorite videogame?
-Depends on the genre but the game that throbs overall in my waking dream heart is Final Fantasy III(according to my cartridge).
7. If you are granted the privilege of becoming an Undeceased Citizen, what skills will you bring to our movement?
-I'm highly unstable. I'm good with Microsoft Excel and can reach things on the very top shelf. I can drive a stick shift. I'm a people pleaser. I'm a very courteous farter.
-Ah, a sweet bagel! A delicious treat. Good for the taste buds. Except when they are jelly filled. That's so damn wrong. A lemon filled donut sits in Hitler's rancid chest at the very heart of Hell.
9. Several thousand rabid monkeys have overrun Bangkok recently, causing mass hysteria and forcing all commerce to stop. What lessons can the Zombie Liberation Movement learn from this "calamity"?
-NO MONKEYS. I have seen Aguirre Wrath of God and that scene towards the end where the monkeys are swarming on the raft and no group of mammals should move in unison. It's unnatural. The ZLM should work to their strengths and stay the fuck away from monkeys.
10. The part in Final Fantasy 8 where Squall has to take the SeeD exam before graduation... what is it's greater metaphorical significance?
-Losing your virginity. Squall takes the Seed exam. On the couch while Heavyweights plays on tv but once the bra was unclasped he stopped paying attention. What happens next is fumbling hands and quaking thighs and glistening secrets cooling in the afternoon air while eye contact says more than any My Chemical Romance song ever could.