It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.
I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.
Recently, in the world of videogames, there has been an exciting announcement. Videogame players will soon be able to buy a box containing (currently unknown quantities of) steam. Sometimes known as “vapor,” steam is usually very hot. So hot, in fact, that it has caused burns on the skins of some filthy human people.
Haha. That makes me laugh.
Anyway, there was also a price attached to the stupid Vapor Cube. ONE THOUSAND MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS!!!!! Fuck that bullshit. This speciously prescient and Orwellian zombie WILL NOT be buying a Vapor Cube unless it comes with free games and tacos for life.
Nintendo tried to pull the same shit a few years ago, during the days of the Nintendo Dolphin. They were trying to charge MONEY for a DOLPHIN! Apparently they didn’t realize that people can just go to the zoo and steal one for free. Idiots.
Sega also angered customers over the release of their failed Project Katana. The final product was not even remotely sword-shaped. Liars. Frauds! RUFFIANS!
Luckily, the zombie who is Orwell (who is me) has a cure for all of these anger-inducing videogame kerfuffles. As you may already know, every single one of my educational column arrives ABSOLUTELY FREE to your rotting eyeballs.
However, “free” is no business plan. Therefore, I am introducing Zombie Orwell Plus. When you join Z0+, for a mere $100, I will personally fap and comment on all of the blogs you write on Dzoid. For life. Imagine the possibilities! Have you ever written a blog that got a mere 7 faps when you wished it would reach 8? Well, now it’s possible!
In fact, with Zombie Orwell, anything is possible! Except a pic to accompany this blog, because I’m trapped in a place with extremely shitty internet for a bit. Sorry, baby.