It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.
I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.
Come on, George, contact me. So much real shit is going down. You’re missing it all. People we know are coming back from the dead! Ernezt Zemingway and F Zcott Fitzzzgerald are competing for the title of “best undeceased writer.” Emiliano Zompata and Che Guev(z)ara have been gathering allies for an insurrection.
You should see human popular culture. You’re everywhere. Humans still respect you! They quote you and refer to your ideas and invoke your name constantly. You’re still extremely relevant, especially when you look at current American politics. It’s like they read Kafka and Orwell and decided your fictional dystopias would be a fucking blueprint for their societies. You’re still relevant, George. Imagine the impact you could have!
Your literary career would skyrocket, too. An update to Homage to Catalonia could be called… I don’t know… Zomage to Catalonia. Or maybe Homage to Zombiemania. You could update Letters to a Young Contrarian (you wrote that, right?) and call it Letterz to a Young Zomtrarian! Or you could write Love, Poverty, and Zombies. Or Zombie Farm. The Zompire Strikes Back. Paris, Ze T’aime. Basically just slap a Z on anything and people will get the point. The titles wouldn’t matter because you’d be Zombie Fucking Orwell! Instant mega win. Fuck, you’d be a millionaire.
We could form a zomband. Oh, the music we’d make! Maybe industrial metal. Our name? Zommstein. Or Brazillian hipster pop: Cansei de Ser Zombie. Rock-tinged bluegrass: Zombilly.
The internet would go crazy over memes (zemes) like You’re The Zom Now, Zom. “Om nom nom” becomes zom zom zom when screamed maniacally by the Cookie Zomster.
This could be some great counter-hegemonic shit! We need to install ourzelvez in every part of society. Noam Zomsky could write Hezemony Or Zurvivalz. Get my point? With this kind of exposure in popular culture, we could win our liberation, George.
We will win. There’s no other way for this to end. Human social movements can die out, because you can’t convince the entire populace to believe what you believe. But everybody eventually dies. This is our greatest strength. Someday every living human will die and many of them will become zombies. What social movements need is a failsafe. A guarantee. And we have a guarantee!
Unfortunately a lot of our people are busy arguing about tactical questions: How do we announce our movement? How do we make human allies? How many licks does it take? Et cetera. I think tactical questions are fine, but I also think we should focus more on life after victory. Whereas human-centric movements take forever, ours can be complete within 10 years. You can take that prediction to the fuckin’ bank.