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Dearest filthy perverts, please sit down in a chair. Prepare your cerebellums for maximum Orwellian exposure and tactical informations.
We here at Dtoid have lost many comrades. A lesser writer would say we've lost many zomrades, but I am not a lesser writer. I am a greater writer. I am a greater writer than Hitchens, I am a greater writer than that thieving bastard Hemingway, and I'm even a greater writer than EL James.
None of that matters. We've lost people. Remember when I published that review of Zombies Ate My Neighbors? I do. It was lovely and very prescient.
Since that lovely day in 2011 or whenever, we've lost about 45 gajillion people. All of this is has proven me right. You see, I wrote a Temporary Fiction book about Destructoid. It's Temporary Fiction in the way that my highly Orwellian novel of Negative Utopia, called 1984, was Temporary Fiction.
My book was called The Devastation and Destruction of Destructoid. It laid bare the events that will inevitably bring the collapse of our beloved Destructzord.
The only way we can prevent The Fall Of Dtoid is by reading the book! Plus, terrible things involving metal dildos happen to Mr Andy Dixon.
If you enjoy sex, you will also enjoy this book. It is available in the sexiest format possible on Medium: https://medium.com/the-devastation-and-destruction-of-destructoid
If you haven't heard of Medium, you make me want to vomit on Long John, but he's in Brazil, so I'll just vomit on the floor. Now, Ctrl+click that link and keep reading:
I've been thinking a lot lately. About Beyonce.
That's her probably.
Beyonce writes music and is popular amongst the youths, yet I've noticed a gaping hole in her song repetoire. You know exactly what gaping hole I'm referring to:
Beyonce has not written any songs about coffee. In my view as a marketing expert, this is career suicide for a buxom young singer trying to make it in the music biz. So, Dearest Beyonce, here's the plan I propose:
Start writing more songs about coffee. About espresso. Cortados, machhiattottosots, cafe con leche, cappucinos, etc. Sex it up a little: "Oh baby, your coffee makes me want to sex everything all the time, oh baby let's get coffee and have sex with it." You know, that kinda stuff. The kids love it.
The combination is instant success. How do I know? Well, it's a little something called market verticality. Instead of just singing about sex or just singing about coffee, we're combining the two markets. People love sex, people love coffee. So, you mix the two and BAM, you're an instant millionaire!
Plus, look at it this way, we can market the shit under the Beyonce subreddit, the coffee subreddit, the sex subreddit, and the music subreddit. It's fucking genius. Then we make a sexy little NSFW music video where you have sex with coffee and we sell it to the porn market. They're having a tough time these days. Not many women are willing to take off their clothes. The market's drying up.
So, Beyonce, think about this. This is the right move at the right time. Everybody's talking about coffee and everybody's talking about sex. Let's make you a billionaire, baby.
(Also, read The Devastation And Destruction Of Destructoid before it's too late.)
HELLOO AND WELCOME to another exciting and arousing edition of the zombie who is Orwell (who is me)'s prescient and Orwellian series which is Orwellianly called How Stoically Accurate Is Massive FX?
It's all about the T&A here at Zombie Orwell's Hate Corner. T&A of course stands for Turians and Asari!!!!!!!!!!! HA THAT IS A JOKE YOU IDIOT.
And it's T&A week on TitAss.com, so we may as well talk about Turians and Asari.
Of course, according to History, which is things that happened long ago, Turians were not actually dinosaury things. They were actually more accurately described as being doors. I think Tur is German for Door, so a Turian would be a Doorian.
But not like Dorian Gray... Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray.
Good googly moogly we're getting off track. ANYwhos, the Mass Effect series protrays Turians problematically and misandrically as not doors. Also they're only men for some reason. Except there might be DLC where there's a Turian girl. I don't remember. Either way it's not very historically accurate since there have never been female doors.
Next up, Asari. In History, the Asari were a race of sexy blue alien bitches who rode Napoleon's dick every Tuesday (or Mardi as they say in French) at precisely 7 o'clock. An obvious pun which I would like to make right now is “seven o'cock” since they rode dick.
The most famous Asari dick-rider (or dique-rideauxr in French) was called Aria T'Loak. You may recognize that name, forwhencely she was also featured in the Mass Effect Video Game: The Game. She was the character voiced by the woman from the Matrix and nothing else.
Wow, we're only two races in and already this series is just not holding up to Dan Carlin-levels of historical accuracy. At this point I feel it is highly important to give Mass Effect a Seven out of 100 on the scale of correctness.
Before we go, a word from our sponsors:
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Well, that's it for the Zombie Orwell's Hate Corner Weekly Historical Special. We focused this week on Mass Effect and whether it lives up to its claim to the The World's Greatest Historiographer, which is just stupid since hisotriographers study historians and not history, and even if it were accurate, Mass Effect is a terrible historiographer since it gets even the most basic of facts dead wrong. Also #cancelColbert.
I am white anglo boy of 21 years or maybe more or maybe less but I never go to place where people have real problem and although I will have degree in some science topic that will pay lots and keepme comfortable enough to never have actual thoughts that might be upsetting to status quo. I spends all day learning science thing instead of career that studies how people actually live.
Nonetheless I am very smarty so I critic the women on my campus who don't shave their arms and some of them have hair between their boobs which is gross. They won't fuck me and that is why I hate them.
“How do I touch woman but also hate her?” -Brian Altano.
So one day the hair women were protesting because they said men are keeping wages lower for women than men, but my mom once put me on timeout and also a girl broke up with me once.
Therefore women have all powers in the world and control the world with matriarchies that crush testicels. I know this because science.
Then a woman said “not a lot of games are inviting to women” and HOW DARE SHE CRITIC THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER FOUND THAT DOESN'T JUDGE ME FOR BEING AN ANTISOCIAL PASTY COMFORTABLE DOUCHEBAG!! Games are the only thing I have in this world, so I get very scare when someone say “not all games are perfect all the time.”
Games are art shitheads!
They should be afforded all the same rights as arts in the civilizations, but must never be criticqued because one time before the internet people didn't buy a lot of games and that made the crash of 1983 which is always around the corner. The government is trying to persecute us exactly like the nazies did to the gypsies in the war!
Nazis are bads.
So the Sarkeeszhon is a nazie because she says “some games not nice for woman.” THAT IS EXACFLY WHAT NAZIES SAYED!!
GAMES are under real threat in these days today. There is a 100% possibility that they might go away forever because they are not the single largest entertainment medium by dollars spent in the US. Remember when movies almost disappeared that one time? And music too. Also comic books disappeared and novels did and even orchestras were on the brink of destruction by feminzazies (who won't have sex with me and that's why I use the word feminazi because I am frustrated male who can't get a vagine) who said “Beethoven is for men.”
in conclusions, fuck women because women won't fuck me and I never go to place where real problem exist. #GOMERGOAT is very important for my myopic worldview to continue unchanged. New ideas scare me.
Therefore this is why destructiotd must only ever cover #GOMERGOAT and the sarkezkehan. Both of thoes things is important.
Both of those is importants. Very importants.
Here is a list of names I've never heard of because I have never paid more than 15 minutes of attention to things like SJW and feminazi. I only pay attention to #GOMERGOAT and SARKERTRION.
Henry Kissinger, Arundhati Roy, Howard Zinn, Christopher Hitchens, Cenk Uygur, Thaddeus Russel, Charles C Mann, Horkheimer and Adorno, Sam Harris, Robert D Kaplan, Karl Rove, Subcomandante Marcos, Matt Taibbi, Naomi Klein, Naomi Wolf.
There are hundreds of other highly important names the using of which I could use to put their ideas into dialogue with each other and make up my own mind about issues, but I only care about #GOMERGOAT.
THEREFORE Dtoid must only cover #GOMERGOAT because it is the only thing happening in the gaming sphere. And gaming is the only important thing.
Gaming is important and women won't fuck me. That's why I write these blogs.
God I wanna cum so hard on some tits and still hate the woman with the tits.
We all love Gatsby, right? The prose is damn near perfect. The end of Chapter One sends shivers crawling around your temples. And that end; boats against the current and shit. Good shit. Fitzgerald was a god. But Game of Thrones walked up behind Gatsby, knifed it in the back, and roasted the corpse with dragon fire.
Have you taken any university lit courses? The ones where you have to read things like Gatsby and write 10-12 pages double-spaced on the Earth-shaking symbolism of the book's colors or its life-affirming qualities for WWI veterans?
Those professors are idiots. Idiots with actual degrees from Idiot University. I'm being 100% literal here.
They're just teaching Fitzgerald and Maugham because that's what they learned back in their own college days (at Idiot University).
Gatsby might have resonated with lots of people back in the 20s and 30s, but today only wankers (like me and you) read it. Books that are nothing but somber meditations on the the Idle Rich and Young Love and Disillusionment will not sell anymore. People no longer wanna read that nonsense. And no, Jonathan Franzen, the world doesn't need any more of it.
Go to any brick-and-mortar bookstore that still separates Literary Fiction from genre fiction. Read the blurbs on the back covers. They're all character studies. Not only that, they're character studies that pretend as though there are still characters that haven't been invented.
All the characters that will ever exist have already been created in other books. Do not write the next Gatsby.
The Great American Novel is wonderful and lovely, but here's something extremely important: you're not reading it right now. You're in the middle of 3 or 4 thrillers or fantasy books or romance novels or porno mags. None of them are The Great American Novel. Maybe seven months ago you read 15 pages of Crime and Punishment, but you put it down and picked up Game Of Mother Fucking Thrones because Game Of Mother Fucking Thrones is SO FUCKING GOOD.
And Dostoevsky wrote dogshit. Not good dogshit like we write; boring dogshit. Our dogshit is hot and steamy and trashy and fun, his is just old and dried up. (Before you yell at me, yes I am well aware that Crime and Punishment isn't an American novel. The word Dostovokeksyekskyveveeky kind of gives it away.)
The world of High Lit has canonized Dostoevsky and Fitzgerald and so on and cetera. Therefore, High Lit is dead to me. As I type this I am standing over its corpse and pissing. My piss is actually improving High Lit. And look, there's my dog. He's a little white dog with black eyes. He's taking a dump on it. His legs shake when he squats to shit, and his shit is improving the corpse as much as my piss is.
Next step is to get down on my knees and try CPR. If I can bring the body back to life, maybe I can talk some sense into him and tell him to stop idolizing Serious And Depressed Young Men.
There's no sign of life. No breath. No pulse. Okay, what did I teach everybody when I was a CPR instructor? Oh right, open the airway, tilt the head back, open the mouth, and breathe. Watch the chest rise. Breathe again. Still no life. Smack the face.
Wake up, bitch! Fuck it. He's gone. Pick up the body. Drop it in the trunk. Drive to your local mad scientist.
Me: Hey doc. I got a problem.
Her (the mad scientist): What's the deal? Another voodoo curse?
Me: No. Wait, what? You're a scientist. You don't do voodoo.
Her: Who do?
Me: You do.
Her: Do what?
Me: Remind me of the babe. Anyway, you don't actually do voodoo, right?
Her: First, I am a babe. Second, you don't know much about science, do you?
Her: Ok whatever. What can I do ya fer?
Me: I got a dead body in my car. Can you help me bring it back to life?
Her: Not again! Why can't you control yourself?
Me: Man, whatever. We're not in court. Just help me, please. Please.
Her (reluctantly): Alright, fine. But this is the last time, got it?
Me: Thank you so much! Yes, I understand. Thank you thank you thank you!!
Her: You owe me big time.
We lay the corpse on an operating table. She connects wires to every inch of his body. She takes a little too much time hooking wires to the nether regions. I'm not sure, but I think she wants to ride High Lit's dick like everyone else. Ugh.
She flips a switch and the electrodes and whatever-science-y-things throw sparks everywhere. Before long the corpse starts to twitch and groan. Then it stands up. It looks at me and shrieks.
Oh. My. GOD. It's a zombie!
Why hello I did not see you come in. I was too busy being both seductive and terrifying. You see, I am the terrorist who also is an amazing pick up artist. That is highly cool and unique. Anywho, let's get down to brass taxes.
Dis right here is the only book thou shalt ever need to both seduce the sexys and inspire massive terror in many many many peoples. You see, I will set up my impressive thesis later on, in the thesis section of this volume, but first I should introduce a few topics.
One topic is the sex. The sex is often, though not always, achieved by the penetrating fornication of One Penis into the soft and fleshy folds of One Vagina. Oftentimes it is acceptable to introduce more than One Penis or Vagina into the other. Also sometimes one might use the mouth in place of the penis or the vagina. Also applicable is the anile region.
This is a brave new world for terrorism. In the past, many of our forebearfathers were angry at the homos for suckin all the dicks and not leaving any for the terrorists. Those days are, gladly, past and we may now all engage in the slobbing of knobs.
Terrorism has come to embrace all forms of sexual expression, be it:
female lesbian scissoring while I look on with lubrication in hand,
threeways where two lovely gals place their hands and mouths on mine own cocknballs,
anal pentrative play,
and even the occasional incest fantasy, although that is freaky as shit.
So you see, terrorism ain't what it used to be.
Also, now our goals are not uniform. In the past, all terrorists were united under one flag; the flag of Death To The Empire. But these days we have many diverse viewpoints and ideas about how to achieve our goals. Every terrorist is a snowflake who must be appreciated for his or her unique contribution to the world of terrorism. Big changes for us, big changes!
Whilst it is true that we contemporary terrorists owe a huge debt of gratitude to our forebears (who were not actually bears), we must define the words Terror and Terrorism and Terrorist for ourselves.
In the past, according to our most famous scholar, Osama Bin Laden, “all terror is focused on the crashing down of the Americal Empyre.”
Thank you, sir Laden, but your services will no longer be required. Today, terrorism is all things to all terrorists. There is only one unifying factor: one must make people fearful.
How can we achieve such a goal in an age of cellular mobile carphones and computormachines and pad devices which are like small computers? How does one inspire fear in those whom are simply having a mere blowjob session in the back of the theater whilst watching the latest movie where immortal elves and white wizards bash each other with swords and spears? How could anyone possibly be scared today when pornography is accessible at the click of a semen-covered button?
Tis true you filthy raggamuffin bumbaclot bitches. Terroring is harder today than ever before. Today's terrorist must have more tenacity and verve and vigor and ingenuity and semen than at any period in history. Luckily, you are such a person. You have the capacity for terrorism that a thousand Bins Laden lacked in times past. You have the ability to pull screaming vengeful terror from your back pocket and unleash it on an unsuspecting public.
So, people are staring at their phones? Develop an app that releases nerve gas and fills the theater with choking and screaming and dying people. Easy! Or develop and app called something like Happy App Time For Phones, but when people click on it they see a scary picture. People are scared of scary, that's why those two words are related.
Who can be a terrorist?
Good news: anyone! Bad news: anyone.
These days everybody has the chance to be a big scary terrorman, but that comes at a heavy price. There are so many ways to terrorize the masses that, well, you gotta try a little harder to stand out. You need to invent new ways to scare the fuckshitasscunt out of people.
Part one is over, so go play Pacman CEDX until the next one is ready.
Hello Dtoid. The charming zombie character I created is going to shut up for a minute because I need to spill some real talk. Some hot fire. Some mad education.
I feel confident saying most of you fit in one or more of the following categories: In your early or mid 20s. Male. American. Hating your job. Easily bored. Lacking motivation.
If you're not in those categories, cool. Run along and keep living out your dreams. Otherwise stick around, cuz I got stuff to say.
You don't have to let the world flash by. You don't have to sit in those lecture halls taking generals for a degree you're not sure you need. If you're in college and are studying something that's not a hard science with the guarantee of a job at the end of those four years, your degree is probably useless. College is merely a certificate of trainability. Most of the learning you do will occur outside of classes.
Parties, sex, breakups, hangovers, food poisoning, that's the real education. That's where you need to start, but since our society is based around you being a little worker bee who puts the cheese and pickles on the burger before passing it to your coworker who does the ketchup and mustard, all you've been taught is how to obey. How to learn dates and numbers and to raise your hand if you have something important to say.
Yes, I'm saying everything you learned is a lie. But that's okay. You can use that. It makes you stronger. Overcoming bullshit makes you stronger, and anybody who can overcome all the stupid bullshit that gets thrown at young people in 21st century America is going to be strong. A lot of people are going to drown in the bullshit river. Not everyone is going to make it across. I'm not across yet, but I think I can see the other side.
It's a big fucking river.
So you graduate high school having read stuff like the Call of the Wild. Then you get to college and read stuff like Gatsby and Othello. I'm not knocking that stuff, Gatsby is my favorite book, but your teachers and parents have failed you. They have failed you because they've not taught you the things you need to fucking know in order to go be an adult. They haven't even given you books or resources that will let you find the info on your own.
You need to know to put lube inside and outside of the condom. You need to know that sometimes the best way to handle aggressive douchebags is by sharing a drink with them (though not always). You need to know that bedbugs are a MOTHERFUCKER to get rid of. You need to know that Laphroaig Quarter Cask is some fantastic scotch. You need to know that eating a pot brownie will make you see the music, but you also need to know that psychedelics are not party drugs. You need to know that too much Coca Cola will likely give you kidney stones. You need to learn how to fight constructively with your significant other. You need to be scared for your fucking life. You need to swim a little too far out in the ocean and fight like a motherfucker to get back to shore.
If you're a bleeding heart like I was, you need to see that some people actively WANT to suffer. You can't help everyone. You can't change anybody's mind through your words unless they're already open to changing themselves.
And there are a million other things you still need to learn, and I probably need to learn more than you do. You're probably way ahead of me.
Maybe this blog belongs on r/circlejerk. Whatever. If it helps someone a tiny bit, that's great. Anyway, I've seen a lot of angst on Dtoid, likely because the majority of us are caught between doing what we want and doing what we think other people want us to do. Maybe you went to college because your parents want you to become a teacher like them. Maybe you're going to inherit the family vodka factory but you really want to have a tequila factory. I don't know. The point of this blog is the following. It's a list of names you need to get familiar with right fucking now.
Robert Greene. Steven Pressfield. Daniele Bolelli. Dan Savage. Joe Rogan. Amber Lyon. Aubrey Marcus. James Altucher.
Almost all of them have podcasts. Almost all of them have written fantastic books.
Tl;dr, buy Mastery by Robert Greene. Buy The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. Download every episode of the Drunken Taoist podcast. Do those three things right now. If you can delve into the works of all the above names, do it.
Quit college if it's not right for you. Do dangerous things. Kick your ass into gear. I'm firstname.lastname@example.org if you have specific questions that you don't want to discuss in public.
Love you, Dtoid.
And always remember not to molest the alligators.