It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.
I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.
I have taken it upon myself to become the keeper of lore for my beautiful Destructzord. This is truly an honorable and laudable move on my part.
Here is some recent Dzord lore which has caused me to lose sleep HAHA THAT IS A JOKE ZOMBIES DON'T SLEEP:
Philkensebben threatened to punch Shade in dick when they meet in person. HOWEVER, Niero told us to rip our dicks off, which we all did immediately. Even the people who didn't have dicks. This means Shade has no dick to punch. Philkensebben has threatened to punch something that, according to Dzord lore, DOES NOT EXIST HE IS A FILTHY LIAR. Please help me resolve this conflicting canonical problem. We cannot produce great novels until this is fixed.
1: The beloved Fap button was kidnapped, tortured, and murdered by Niero.
2: Niero is a filthy human infiltrator, but we respect him because he knows about web-development thingys. Which zombies don't can't quite grasp.
3: Elsa's full title is Subcomandante Insurgente Elsa. She is the sub-commander of the Armies of the East. Fear her.
MY DEAR FELLOW ZOMBIES: I can't do this alone. I am a relatively recent addition to the Dzord. I've only been here for a couple years (though I ascended the ranks very quickly and became the leader). I know I have been making a lot of demands lately, calling for blood over this or that controversy, accusing ninjapresident of not actually being The President (because NINJA'S CAN'T BE FUCKING PRESIDENT), telling newcomers that we command them to write more and more and better AND BETTER (and that they should write a damned intro blog),
this is serious business. If our beloved Dzord has any chance at toppling such human-centric cultural touchstones as Star Wars, mariachi music, zombie hunting, and rollerblading, we MUST develop a cohesive lore.
Once we have developed that lore, we can begin the long, slow, erotic process of grinding (and cruuuussshhiinnnggg) human society's bones into fucking dust. Let's get to work.
A dear friend of yours recently informed me of a very new game entitled: Shoot Many Zombies. It was released on March 4th or something for XBLA, PSN, Gamecube Social Net Website, and the Playstation Vitality Sensor.
It apparently is a disgusting disdainful dismaying disgrace of a game that must be destroyed with all haste. According to my anonymous source (who informed me that he/she/zhe is your friend), the player takes the role of Racist P. Tugnuts; a horrible person who lives only for murdering zombies. There is a text scroll at the beginning stating:
Several Terrible Zombies Have Eaten Your Brother. We Have No Proof Of This. Nevertheless We Hate Zombies And Want Them All Dead Very Hastily. Please Shoot Many Zombies In Order To Avenge Your Brother Who May Or May Not Have Been Eaten Alive. Here Is A Nude Pistol. Use It To Destroy The Undeceased.
After the text scrawl there is reportedly a sex scene involving zombie impersonators. During this scene it is implied that zombie women can't achieve orgasm.
HA! THAT IS BULLSHIT IN COMPLETE TOTALITY!!!
I have not had the specious displeasure of seeing the game with my own rotting eyeballs, but your dear friend has spoken with much alarming alacrity. We must find the human developer, sequester him, ask him very pointed questions. Currently I am engaged in revolutionary activities in the city of Oaxaca, Mexico, so I can't find the dev.
Who can do this for me? Let me know in the comments when you have tied him up and caused him to piss himself. Then we will put the screws to him. First urination, then interrogation.
Before you insert your sticky flesh into my throat, I am aware that the mario and luigi brothers franchise is very popular, so this can only be considered my opinion.
Year after year mario has games for filthy humans. With lack of enough sufficient time to produce great mario story, how can Bowser truly have motivation for kidnapping the pink dress woman? How good can it possibley be? A REAL VIDEOGAME SEQUEL REQUIRES TWO YEARS IDIOTS!!!
The game itself lacks any depth in terms of story or gravity. Not to mention the Polygon/Emotion Theory advanced by Davis Cage, professional auteur. Most people don't even care about marios emotional torment when the pink human is kidnapped. Instead, they just jump and collect coins like ugly morons.
I mean come on people. Do you honestly think mario is better than Persona Golden Symphony? Or Uncharted Devil Cry? Be honest mario can't bee that good a game.
I am a platforming fan but if your really want a platform with good story, check out Infinity Blade. Good graphics, smooth gameplay. AK-47? Really? I guess that's what people expect from mario.
It's astonishing how much publicity mario can acquire in the america. And now their gonna make a new mario and luigi brothers, great. They're gonna milk the franchise even more. People actually go to wal-mart at night to buy games, and MARIO AND LUIGI BROTHERS IS ONE OF THE OPTIONS!!!! That is ridiculous. No videogame franchise has ever done that.
No videogame franchise except mario has ever forced people to line up outside retail establishments at scary dark nighttime when zombies could be roaming the streets. Not even the rpg hit Persona 4!!!!!!!! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT!! AND NOBODY LINES UP FOR DYNASTY WARRIORS EITHER WHAT THE FUCK. And when was the last time anybody lined up to buy the rpg hit Silver on Dreamcast?? Did anybody line up to buy Deadly Premonition? Mario idiots. Folks I have no desire to play mario and luigi brothers franchise, I played it once, and I never played it again.
All eras must come to a close. It appears our beloved Faps have gone away. And when I use the phrase "gone away" I mean "been kidnapped, driven to a field, tortured for weeks, and left in a field that was subsequently lit on fire."
Our beloved Faps have been "disappeared." But we will never forget.
We will never forget.
So I have compiled some photos of our beloved murdered friend. If you have any pictures of Fap, please post them below, so we never forget. May our friend have eternal life in this gallery.
Here is a song that will set the appropriate mood.
Faps, I miss you.
Alas, the human infiltrator Niero has said:
Little does he know, we. Shall. NEVER. STOP FAPPING!!!
The Destructzord has been absolutely abuzzing with headlines saying Blah Blah Infinite Blah Blah Blah.
It appears Infinite is the only thing we Dzord dwellers want to discuss these days. So, I suppose I should give you people what you want. And I know exactly what you want.
You want Infinite.
You want me.
You want discussions.
Therefore you want me to discuss Infinite. Frankly I don't know why you all want to discuss something so old, but here we go!
The style of Infinite has caused much numerous controversy. People say the main man behind it has changed the style of his art in order to be more popular. This is incredibly true. Place your oculars upon the following words from Infinite:
"In the midst of this insanity I found my Christianity."
"Just in case you don't remember me I'll run your brain around the block to jog your fuckin' memory."
"You couldn't see me with binoculars. I armed like an octopus. Step on stage and you'll get socked and pushed."
"I never gave a fuck and now I give a fuck less."
Notice the desperate pleas to be popular? The artist behind Infinite basically says I am a Christian who likes jogging. I am a defender of animal rights. I vow to swear less. Please buy Infinite because I am just like you! Let's be friendly!!
Infinite has also been accused of adding unnecessary levels of violence in order to sell more copies. Have some more words from Infinite:
"He'll stab you with a sword, don't be fooled by his charm."
"I felt a butcher knife slash in one of my thighs... He promised to come clean. I took his butcher knife and jabbed it into his spleen, cuffed him at the scene and dragged the fella home, beatin' him over the head with a telephone."
It's sad that the artist doesn't trust his vision to be successful without adding over-the-top violence. He is a gifted narrator, but clearly he's just using violence as a crutch.
My personal opinion of Infinite? It's good. Real good. Even Orwellian at times. That's not an adjective I use lightly. You can stream it for free here. So do that.