Quantcast

Full Version     |     Sign Up     |     Login



Browse   |   Reviews   |   Pop   Blogs   Forum
Community   |   Promoted   |   Followed   |   Staff


Zombie Orwell's blog

Dreamweaver inspired this blog.
1:36 PM on 10.29.2014
The most important thing on the internet.
3:11 PM on 10.18.2014
10 things they don't want you to know about Jet Set Radio
2:34 PM on 05.24.2014
Pictures of cows
10:56 PM on 05.10.2014
Free things can be yours
11:15 PM on 04.03.2014
Zombie Orwell's Backlog: Eminem. Plus, the return of dick wolf.
6:52 PM on 04.01.2014





Previous   |   Home



Home   |   Browse   |   Reviews   |   Popular

Full Version     |     Sign Up     |     Login


Community Discussion: Blog by Zombie Orwell | Zombie Orwell's ProfileDestructoid
Zombie Orwell's Profile - Destructoid




Game database:   #ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ         ALL     Xbox One     PS4     360     PS3     WiiU     Wii     PC     3DS     DS     PS Vita     PSP     iOS     Android




click to hide banner header
About
My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!
Badges
Following (3)  

Zombie Orwell
20 hours ago - 1:36 PM on 10.29.2014

Hello Dtoid. The charming zombie character I created is going to shut up for a minute because I need to spill some real talk. Some hot fire. Some mad education.

I feel confident saying most of you fit in one or more of the following categories: In your early or mid 20s. Male. American. Hating your job. Easily bored. Lacking motivation.

If you're not in those categories, cool. Run along and keep living out your dreams. Otherwise stick around, cuz I got stuff to say.

You don't have to let the world flash by. You don't have to sit in those lecture halls taking generals for a degree you're not sure you need. If you're in college and are studying something that's not a hard science with the guarantee of a job at the end of those four years, your degree is probably useless. College is merely a certificate of trainability. Most of the learning you do will occur outside of classes.

Parties, sex, breakups, hangovers, food poisoning, that's the real education. That's where you need to start, but since our society is based around you being a little worker bee who puts the cheese and pickles on the burger before passing it to your coworker who does the ketchup and mustard, all you've been taught is how to obey. How to learn dates and numbers and to raise your hand if you have something important to say.

Yes, I'm saying everything you learned is a lie. But that's okay. You can use that. It makes you stronger. Overcoming bullshit makes you stronger, and anybody who can overcome all the stupid bullshit that gets thrown at young people in 21st century America is going to be strong. A lot of people are going to drown in the bullshit river. Not everyone is going to make it across. I'm not across yet, but I think I can see the other side.

It's a big fucking river.

So you graduate high school having read stuff like the Call of the Wild. Then you get to college and read stuff like Gatsby and Othello. I'm not knocking that stuff, Gatsby is my favorite book, but your teachers and parents have failed you. They have failed you because they've not taught you the things you need to fucking know in order to go be an adult. They haven't even given you books or resources that will let you find the info on your own.

You need to know to put lube inside and outside of the condom. You need to know that sometimes the best way to handle aggressive douchebags is by sharing a drink with them (though not always). You need to know that bedbugs are a MOTHERFUCKER to get rid of. You need to know that Laphroaig Quarter Cask is some fantastic scotch. You need to know that eating a pot brownie will make you see the music, but you also need to know that psychedelics are not party drugs. You need to know that too much Coca Cola will likely give you kidney stones. You need to learn how to fight constructively with your significant other. You need to be scared for your fucking life. You need to swim a little too far out in the ocean and fight like a motherfucker to get back to shore.

If you're a bleeding heart like I was, you need to see that some people actively WANT to suffer. You can't help everyone. You can't change anybody's mind through your words unless they're already open to changing themselves.

And there are a million other things you still need to learn, and I probably need to learn more than you do. You're probably way ahead of me.

Maybe this blog belongs on r/circlejerk. Whatever. If it helps someone a tiny bit, that's great. Anyway, I've seen a lot of angst on Dtoid, likely because the majority of us are caught between doing what we want and doing what we think other people want us to do. Maybe you went to college because your parents want you to become a teacher like them. Maybe you're going to inherit the family vodka factory but you really want to have a tequila factory. I don't know. The point of this blog is the following. It's a list of names you need to get familiar with right fucking now.

Robert Greene. Steven Pressfield. Daniele Bolelli. Dan Savage. Joe Rogan. Amber Lyon. Aubrey Marcus. James Altucher.

Almost all of them have podcasts. Almost all of them have written fantastic books.

 

Tl;dr, buy Mastery by Robert Greene. Buy The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. Download every episode of the Drunken Taoist podcast. Do those three things right now. If you can delve into the works of all the above names, do it.

Quit college if it's not right for you. Do dangerous things. Kick your ass into gear. I'm sprin115@gmail.com if you have specific questions that you don't want to discuss in public.

Love you, Dtoid.

And always remember not to molest the alligators.

Photo Photo








Yes, yes. Lots of scandal. So many SadBoners.

 

In other news, here's a comedy:

That picture is more important than your shitty scandal-of-the-week.

 

Also that one.

 

 

Your leader,

Zombie Orwell

Photo Photo








Hey Dtoid. Let's face it: this website is obviously run by Illuminati Bilderberg New World Order Knights Templar Masons. I mean, c'mon; pretty obvious, right? Niero killed JFK by transforming himself into several bullets. What a maniac!

Well, apart from that, there are other things THEY don't want you to know. Hamza will never admit it, but his check is written out by Donald Rumsfeld. And he only gets paid if he eats one baby per news item on the front page.

There are also OTHER other things THEY don't want you to know. Those things are about Jet Set Radio.

1. It was made hundreds of years ago in Spain by people who said “let's make a videogame and also let's torture people who aren't Catholics.”

2. A million bumblebees die everyday from lack of opposable thumbs with which to play Jet Set Radio

3. The real reason all the Star Wars Expanded Universe stuff was made non canon was to place it in the Jet Set Radio universe.

4. Jet Set Radio fan fiction. Write some for me. Make it either hyperviolent or hypersexual. Or both. I want JSR erotica and JSR snuff books. Also, I want cigarettes and tequila branded with JSR. Do this now or I will devour everyone you love. Don't fucking test me.

5. The soundtrack was composed by angels being given the best orgasms of their lives.

6. JSR is the most popular videogame ever.

7. The Illuminati are actually controlled by the Bilderbergs, who once were controlled by the CIA, who once had an agent infiltrate (and subsequently recruit everyone in) the Knights Templar. Also, the Masons did all the terrorism. Building 7

8. That last one wasn't about JSR. But it actually was. THEY just don't want you to know that.

9. Here's a pic of a cow:

(I love clicking "insert" to put a photo in a blog. It's even more sexier when cows are involved)

10. Fellatio was invented by The-Latest-Media-Scapegoat-Who-Got-Caught-Being-Racist-In-Private.

11. GULF OF TONKIN!!!!

12. The cereal called Kellogg's was invented by a guy with that last name. He made it bland and shitty so people wouldn't masturbate. I say we must all fap in resistance. Even if we don't want to. We owe six faps per week to the poor assholes who came before us thinking that if they jerked it, god would piss on their graves.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell


Go read some books:

Kilonova Complex: Episode 1
http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00J6N7RDU

Kilonova Complex: Episode 2
http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00JOPQBCI/

How To Write Naked
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KFOZAJW

Sweet Hot American Trash
http://www.amazon.com/Sweet-American-Trash-Morgan-Stirling-ebook/dp/B00KFOZC7M/


Have a podcast:

Mexico: History and Resistance itunes page:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mexico-history-resistance/id812719884?mt=2
direct feed: http://mexicohistorypodcast.libsyn.com/rss
Photo







Zombie Orwell
10:56 PM on 05.10.2014

This is where I introduce the blog.

Hello everybody. This is a special blog made spontaneously for the Dzord.

Lately there has been a lot of sadness and angst and hostility and other words on my favorite website. I'm not gonna take anyone to task for being a big meanie or a Social Justice Warrior or a Social Injustice Warrior or a Stupid Fat Woman Who Hates Men or a Big Old Baby Who Can't Find A Place To Put His Wiener Consensually.

I'm just gonna post some pictures of cows. Have you heard about cows? 



That's a cow. Lovely, isn't she?

Yes. Yes, she is. She is lovely.

Right now, as I write this, there's a big unsexy fight happening on a front page article about some shitty Sims game nobody gives even one flying fuck about. But people are SO ANGRY.

Me too. I'm angry, just like some of y'all. But ya know what?

COWS MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRR


That's a woman ON A COW!!

Call me a SJW if you want, but I like women on cow action. More games need women on cow action. Come to think of it, so do books and movies and rap.

More women on cows, please.


HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THAT!!!

I did a quick google search for "women and cows." Super NSFW if you ask me. I got a question for you Stupid Fucking Dickheads:

Everyone loves women. Even The Gays. The Gays love women, too. Maybe you are A Gay. Maybe you don't like The Gays. Don't matter. Everybody likes women. Lesbians do. Straight guys do. Gay dudes love chicks. Women always talk about how much better they are than men.

Did you know cows are considered holy in all the places where they don't speak English? That's a fact, bitch. Look it up in the book.

Or better yet, don't bother. Just check out this pic of a cow:


HOLY COWSHIT! That's cool as hell. I wish I could be as awesome as a cow. But I can't. I'm just a stupid zombie. Fuck.

FUCK!

More cow:


Should I have put a NVGR tag in the title? Who cares. Cows are more important than title tags. 


That image saved itself as "cowweek3" in my folder titled "Cows." Yes. I have a folder titled "Cows."


Scantily clad woman and cow.

Ya know the coolest part about cows? Nobody gets mad that somebody said something about The Gays. Everybody is just so damn happy that cows have invaded.


That showed up in the "women and cows" search for some reason. Not sure why...


Have you seen that one? It's pretty good. I like cows.


What in god's name is that? 


Ok, so now it's just women and no cows... I guess that's cool too. Oh my god LOOK AT THOSE LEGS!!!


What's she lookin at? Is there a cow down there? I wanna see the cow!


Probably being chased by an angry cow.


Oh sweet jesus! I'm sorry, what were we talking about? 




One for the people who like dem boys

No man can live up to that standard.


And no woman can live up to that.


But cows. Cows are a gift from the universe. Uniters. Not dividers.

Now go fap.
Photo Photo Photo








My transcriptionist has completed work on Episode 1 of Kilonova Complex (available on Kobo and Amazon).  It's serial fiction in the sci fi (meaning Science Fience) genre. There's a description in the comments section below.

Episode 2 will be ready to conquer the world on April 16, 2014. That's 16 April, 2014 if you live outside the United States.

Haha. Joke.

Where was I? Yes, indeeds. Brandon (the transcriptionist) knows that you want it inside of you. 

But it is extremely expensive at .99 USD. And he understands that you need that extra dollar to get approximately .3 grams of psychoactive drugs. Yes, yes. We understand. So here's the deal.

You can receive Ep. 1 of Kilonova Complex for free. Here's how:

Comment below expressing your interest in writing an honest review on the book's Amazon or Kobo page. The author will email you a PDF, you will read it and shit happiness out of your bowels, you will review the book (preferably while high on your hallucinogens), and then we conquer the world.

Do this thing.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell








Destructoid, you've been very naughty. How dare you. You offend me.

JUST KIDDING!!! Haha. I like irreverent jokes designed for laughter. It is funny.

Here is more funny: Eminem. The humanist rapper has released a new group of 1s and 0s that, when converted to an mp3 format, contain musics. That. Is. HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

Think about it for a minute. If he were smart, he would travel the nation knocking on doors and singing his lovely songs without the help of a computer. Instead, the unOrwellian idiot has released CDs, vinyl records, MP3s, and gramophones containing music. So, when you buy it you don't even get to talk to him and strap him to a chair in order to feed.

Fuck you, Eminem. I'm so god damned hungry.

Here's my review of the Slim Shady LP.

Putting aside the fact that I am unable to consume the flesh of the world's most famous white rapper, this album is almost like having the human in one's vicinity. You can hear his voice as he talks about Kurt Cobain, shish kabob, Lauren Hill, sore throats, wardrobes, orange robes, autographs, being absent-minded, doctors, herpes, Christmas, suicide, middle fingers, sell-out crowds, record release parties, gourds, hammers, Fords, sandwiches, picnic baskets, Excedrin, medicine cabinets, lettuce, cabbage, mummies, bitches, Detroit, the Beastie Boys, Kid Rock, the Loch Ness Monster, weed houses, lipstick, dipsticks, prank calls, rich rappers, and your mom. It is truly impressive.



But then there's the part where you can't eat him. This is a serious oversight on behalf of one of the most well-known musicians in history. You'd think someone on his production team would have pointed out this glaring omission. But no.

Admittedly, this record was made when he was much younger and less knowledgeable, so perhaps we owe him a little leniency. If this situation is rectified by future releases, I will let you know.

There's also a song where a girl eats too many mushrooms and dies. Though, in the narrative, the girl drinks Lysol. Many have tried to blame the mushrooms for her death, but the cause was clearly Lysol.

I give this record a good score out of 10 because Eminem paid me for a good review.

THAT IS THE END OF THE REVIEW YOU FILTHY PERVERT.

Now it is time for the return of Dick Wolf.



Remember The Devastation and Destruction of Destructoid? There's now a sexy pdf: http://zombieorwell.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/devdesdtoid.pdf

More sexy news: my transcriptionist, Brandon Springer, has produced the first episode of his magisterial Kilonova Complex. It's sci fi. It's short. It's a buck. It's here: http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00J6N7RDU/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1396399817&sr=1-1

Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell Randy Gonzalez. I'm coming.
Your leader,
Zombie Orwell
Photo Photo