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Zombie Orwell's blog

The most important thing on the internet.
3:11 PM on 10.18.2014
10 things they don't want you to know about Jet Set Radio
2:34 PM on 05.24.2014
Pictures of cows
10:56 PM on 05.10.2014
Free things can be yours
11:15 PM on 04.03.2014
Zombie Orwell's Backlog: Eminem. Plus, the return of dick wolf.
6:52 PM on 04.01.2014
The Devastation and Destruction of Destructoid: Coda
10:27 AM on 02.17.2014





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Community Discussion: Blog by Zombie Orwell | Zombie Orwell's ProfileDestructoid
Zombie Orwell's Profile - Destructoid




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About
My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!
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Following (3)  


Yes, yes. Lots of scandal. So many SadBoners.

 

In other news, here's a comedy:

That picture is more important than your shitty scandal-of-the-week.

 

Also that one.

 

 

Your leader,

Zombie Orwell

Photo Photo








Hey Dtoid. Let's face it: this website is obviously run by Illuminati Bilderberg New World Order Knights Templar Masons. I mean, c'mon; pretty obvious, right? Niero killed JFK by transforming himself into several bullets. What a maniac!

Well, apart from that, there are other things THEY don't want you to know. Hamza will never admit it, but his check is written out by Donald Rumsfeld. And he only gets paid if he eats one baby per news item on the front page.

There are also OTHER other things THEY don't want you to know. Those things are about Jet Set Radio.

1. It was made hundreds of years ago in Spain by people who said “let's make a videogame and also let's torture people who aren't Catholics.”

2. A million bumblebees die everyday from lack of opposable thumbs with which to play Jet Set Radio

3. The real reason all the Star Wars Expanded Universe stuff was made non canon was to place it in the Jet Set Radio universe.

4. Jet Set Radio fan fiction. Write some for me. Make it either hyperviolent or hypersexual. Or both. I want JSR erotica and JSR snuff books. Also, I want cigarettes and tequila branded with JSR. Do this now or I will devour everyone you love. Don't fucking test me.

5. The soundtrack was composed by angels being given the best orgasms of their lives.

6. JSR is the most popular videogame ever.

7. The Illuminati are actually controlled by the Bilderbergs, who once were controlled by the CIA, who once had an agent infiltrate (and subsequently recruit everyone in) the Knights Templar. Also, the Masons did all the terrorism. Building 7

8. That last one wasn't about JSR. But it actually was. THEY just don't want you to know that.

9. Here's a pic of a cow:

(I love clicking "insert" to put a photo in a blog. It's even more sexier when cows are involved)

10. Fellatio was invented by The-Latest-Media-Scapegoat-Who-Got-Caught-Being-Racist-In-Private.

11. GULF OF TONKIN!!!!

12. The cereal called Kellogg's was invented by a guy with that last name. He made it bland and shitty so people wouldn't masturbate. I say we must all fap in resistance. Even if we don't want to. We owe six faps per week to the poor assholes who came before us thinking that if they jerked it, god would piss on their graves.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell


Go read some books:

Kilonova Complex: Episode 1
http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00J6N7RDU

Kilonova Complex: Episode 2
http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00JOPQBCI/

How To Write Naked
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KFOZAJW

Sweet Hot American Trash
http://www.amazon.com/Sweet-American-Trash-Morgan-Stirling-ebook/dp/B00KFOZC7M/


Have a podcast:

Mexico: History and Resistance itunes page:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mexico-history-resistance/id812719884?mt=2
direct feed: http://mexicohistorypodcast.libsyn.com/rss
Photo







Zombie Orwell
10:56 PM on 05.10.2014

This is where I introduce the blog.

Hello everybody. This is a special blog made spontaneously for the Dzord.

Lately there has been a lot of sadness and angst and hostility and other words on my favorite website. I'm not gonna take anyone to task for being a big meanie or a Social Justice Warrior or a Social Injustice Warrior or a Stupid Fat Woman Who Hates Men or a Big Old Baby Who Can't Find A Place To Put His Wiener Consensually.

I'm just gonna post some pictures of cows. Have you heard about cows? 



That's a cow. Lovely, isn't she?

Yes. Yes, she is. She is lovely.

Right now, as I write this, there's a big unsexy fight happening on a front page article about some shitty Sims game nobody gives even one flying fuck about. But people are SO ANGRY.

Me too. I'm angry, just like some of y'all. But ya know what?

COWS MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRR


That's a woman ON A COW!!

Call me a SJW if you want, but I like women on cow action. More games need women on cow action. Come to think of it, so do books and movies and rap.

More women on cows, please.


HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THAT!!!

I did a quick google search for "women and cows." Super NSFW if you ask me. I got a question for you Stupid Fucking Dickheads:

Everyone loves women. Even The Gays. The Gays love women, too. Maybe you are A Gay. Maybe you don't like The Gays. Don't matter. Everybody likes women. Lesbians do. Straight guys do. Gay dudes love chicks. Women always talk about how much better they are than men.

Did you know cows are considered holy in all the places where they don't speak English? That's a fact, bitch. Look it up in the book.

Or better yet, don't bother. Just check out this pic of a cow:


HOLY COWSHIT! That's cool as hell. I wish I could be as awesome as a cow. But I can't. I'm just a stupid zombie. Fuck.

FUCK!

More cow:


Should I have put a NVGR tag in the title? Who cares. Cows are more important than title tags. 


That image saved itself as "cowweek3" in my folder titled "Cows." Yes. I have a folder titled "Cows."


Scantily clad woman and cow.

Ya know the coolest part about cows? Nobody gets mad that somebody said something about The Gays. Everybody is just so damn happy that cows have invaded.


That showed up in the "women and cows" search for some reason. Not sure why...


Have you seen that one? It's pretty good. I like cows.


What in god's name is that? 


Ok, so now it's just women and no cows... I guess that's cool too. Oh my god LOOK AT THOSE LEGS!!!


What's she lookin at? Is there a cow down there? I wanna see the cow!


Probably being chased by an angry cow.


Oh sweet jesus! I'm sorry, what were we talking about? 




One for the people who like dem boys

No man can live up to that standard.


And no woman can live up to that.


But cows. Cows are a gift from the universe. Uniters. Not dividers.

Now go fap.
Photo Photo Photo








My transcriptionist has completed work on Episode 1 of Kilonova Complex (available on Kobo and Amazon).  It's serial fiction in the sci fi (meaning Science Fience) genre. There's a description in the comments section below.

Episode 2 will be ready to conquer the world on April 16, 2014. That's 16 April, 2014 if you live outside the United States.

Haha. Joke.

Where was I? Yes, indeeds. Brandon (the transcriptionist) knows that you want it inside of you. 

But it is extremely expensive at .99 USD. And he understands that you need that extra dollar to get approximately .3 grams of psychoactive drugs. Yes, yes. We understand. So here's the deal.

You can receive Ep. 1 of Kilonova Complex for free. Here's how:

Comment below expressing your interest in writing an honest review on the book's Amazon or Kobo page. The author will email you a PDF, you will read it and shit happiness out of your bowels, you will review the book (preferably while high on your hallucinogens), and then we conquer the world.

Do this thing.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell








Destructoid, you've been very naughty. How dare you. You offend me.

JUST KIDDING!!! Haha. I like irreverent jokes designed for laughter. It is funny.

Here is more funny: Eminem. The humanist rapper has released a new group of 1s and 0s that, when converted to an mp3 format, contain musics. That. Is. HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

Think about it for a minute. If he were smart, he would travel the nation knocking on doors and singing his lovely songs without the help of a computer. Instead, the unOrwellian idiot has released CDs, vinyl records, MP3s, and gramophones containing music. So, when you buy it you don't even get to talk to him and strap him to a chair in order to feed.

Fuck you, Eminem. I'm so god damned hungry.

Here's my review of the Slim Shady LP.

Putting aside the fact that I am unable to consume the flesh of the world's most famous white rapper, this album is almost like having the human in one's vicinity. You can hear his voice as he talks about Kurt Cobain, shish kabob, Lauren Hill, sore throats, wardrobes, orange robes, autographs, being absent-minded, doctors, herpes, Christmas, suicide, middle fingers, sell-out crowds, record release parties, gourds, hammers, Fords, sandwiches, picnic baskets, Excedrin, medicine cabinets, lettuce, cabbage, mummies, bitches, Detroit, the Beastie Boys, Kid Rock, the Loch Ness Monster, weed houses, lipstick, dipsticks, prank calls, rich rappers, and your mom. It is truly impressive.



But then there's the part where you can't eat him. This is a serious oversight on behalf of one of the most well-known musicians in history. You'd think someone on his production team would have pointed out this glaring omission. But no.

Admittedly, this record was made when he was much younger and less knowledgeable, so perhaps we owe him a little leniency. If this situation is rectified by future releases, I will let you know.

There's also a song where a girl eats too many mushrooms and dies. Though, in the narrative, the girl drinks Lysol. Many have tried to blame the mushrooms for her death, but the cause was clearly Lysol.

I give this record a good score out of 10 because Eminem paid me for a good review.

THAT IS THE END OF THE REVIEW YOU FILTHY PERVERT.

Now it is time for the return of Dick Wolf.



Remember The Devastation and Destruction of Destructoid? There's now a sexy pdf: http://zombieorwell.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/devdesdtoid.pdf

More sexy news: my transcriptionist, Brandon Springer, has produced the first episode of his magisterial Kilonova Complex. It's sci fi. It's short. It's a buck. It's here: http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00J6N7RDU/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1396399817&sr=1-1

Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell Randy Gonzalez. I'm coming.
Your leader,
Zombie Orwell
Photo Photo








Coda

Let us rest not firmly

upon the mortal coil, for

such be the shattering remains

of decadence.

Instead, let us part

in somber reflection.

We raised the stakes and

razed the cities.


My love, I

am left with naught but weary eyes

and wild grief. My

heart, it hath not the tender flesh

nor the ruby wine, yet beat for you it ever does.

My fury, that with which

I burned and seared and boiled

bones and steel and glass and gold,

shall hold eternity. My time – is done.


Will you pray heavy upon my soul?

We made the intent

and perished,

but how lovely the terror we sowed.

Flying swiftly for small hours,

we knew the untoward finality:

necrosis

and metal

can

never be.


This is goodbye.