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Zombie Orwell's blog

How dare Dtoid not spend all its budget covering #GOMERGOAT forevers!?
11:10 AM on 11.22.2014
Skullfucking the Great American Novel.
4:12 PM on 11.03.2014
How To Seduce Like A Terrorist, part one.
11:08 PM on 11.01.2014
Dreamweaver inspired this blog.
1:36 PM on 10.29.2014
The most important thing on the internet.
3:11 PM on 10.18.2014
10 things they don't want you to know about Jet Set Radio
2:34 PM on 05.24.2014





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Community Discussion: Blog by Zombie Orwell | Zombie Orwell's ProfileDestructoid
Zombie Orwell's Profile - Destructoid




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About
My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me (ZOMBIEORWELL@GMAIL.COM) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!
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I am white anglo boy of 21 years or maybe more or maybe less but I never go to place where people have real problem and although I will have degree in some science topic that will pay lots and keepme comfortable enough to never have actual thoughts that might be upsetting to status quo. I spends all day learning science thing instead of career that studies how people actually live.

Nonetheless I am very smarty so I critic the women on my campus who don't shave their arms and some of them have hair between their boobs which is gross. They won't fuck me and that is why I hate them.

“How do I touch woman but also hate her?” -Brian Altano.

So one day the hair women were protesting because they said men are keeping wages lower for women than men, but my mom once put me on timeout and also a girl broke up with me once.

Therefore women have all powers in the world and control the world with matriarchies that crush testicels. I know this because science.

Then a woman said “not a lot of games are inviting to women” and HOW DARE SHE CRITIC THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER FOUND THAT DOESN'T JUDGE ME FOR BEING AN ANTISOCIAL PASTY COMFORTABLE DOUCHEBAG!! Games are the only thing I have in this world, so I get very scare when someone say “not all games are perfect all the time.”

Games are art shitheads!

They should be afforded all the same rights as arts in the civilizations, but must never be criticqued because one time before the internet people didn't buy a lot of games and that made the crash of 1983 which is always around the corner. The government is trying to persecute us exactly like the nazies did to the gypsies in the war!

Nazis are bads.

So the Sarkeeszhon is a nazie because she says “some games not nice for woman.” THAT IS EXACFLY WHAT NAZIES SAYED!!

GAMES are under real threat in these days today. There is a 100% possibility that they might go away forever because they are not the single largest entertainment medium by dollars spent in the US. Remember when movies almost disappeared that one time? And music too. Also comic books disappeared and novels did and even orchestras were on the brink of destruction by feminzazies (who won't have sex with me and that's why I use the word feminazi because I am frustrated male who can't get a vagine) who said “Beethoven is for men.”

in conclusions, fuck women because women won't fuck me and I never go to place where real problem exist. #GOMERGOAT is very important for my myopic worldview to continue unchanged. New ideas scare me.

Therefore this is why destructiotd must only ever cover #GOMERGOAT and the sarkezkehan. Both of thoes things is important.

Both of those is importants. Very importants.

Here is a list of names I've never heard of because I have never paid more than 15 minutes of attention to things like SJW and feminazi. I only pay attention to #GOMERGOAT and SARKERTRION.

Henry Kissinger, Arundhati Roy, Howard Zinn, Christopher Hitchens, Cenk Uygur, Thaddeus Russel, Charles C Mann, Horkheimer and Adorno, Sam Harris, Robert D Kaplan, Karl Rove, Subcomandante Marcos, Matt Taibbi, Naomi Klein, Naomi Wolf.

There are hundreds of other highly important names the using of which I could use to put their ideas into dialogue with each other and make up my own mind about issues, but I only care about #GOMERGOAT.

THEREFORE Dtoid must only cover #GOMERGOAT because it is the only thing happening in the gaming sphere. And gaming is the only important thing.

Gaming is important and women won't fuck me. That's why I write these blogs.

God I wanna cum so hard on some tits and still hate the woman with the tits.

Photo Photo Photo








We all love Gatsby, right? The prose is damn near perfect. The end of Chapter One sends shivers crawling around your temples. And that end; boats against the current and shit. Good shit. Fitzgerald was a god. But Game of Thrones walked up behind Gatsby, knifed it in the back, and roasted the corpse with dragon fire.

Have you taken any university lit courses? The ones where you have to read things like Gatsby and write 10-12 pages double-spaced on the Earth-shaking symbolism of the book's colors or its life-affirming qualities for WWI veterans?

Those professors are idiots. Idiots with actual degrees from Idiot University. I'm being 100% literal here.

They're just teaching Fitzgerald and Maugham because that's what they learned back in their own college days (at Idiot University).

Gatsby might have resonated with lots of people back in the 20s and 30s, but today only wankers (like me and you) read it. Books that are nothing but somber meditations on the the Idle Rich and Young Love and Disillusionment will not sell anymore. People no longer wanna read that nonsense. And no, Jonathan Franzen, the world doesn't need any more of it.

Go to any brick-and-mortar bookstore that still separates Literary Fiction from genre fiction. Read the blurbs on the back covers. They're all character studies. Not only that, they're character studies that pretend as though there are still characters that haven't been invented.

All the characters that will ever exist have already been created in other books. Do not write the next Gatsby.

The Great American Novel is wonderful and lovely, but here's something extremely important: you're not reading it right now. You're in the middle of 3 or 4 thrillers or fantasy books or romance novels or porno mags. None of them are The Great American Novel. Maybe seven months ago you read 15 pages of Crime and Punishment, but you put it down and picked up Game Of Mother Fucking Thrones because Game Of Mother Fucking Thrones is SO FUCKING GOOD.

And Dostoevsky wrote dogshit. Not good dogshit like we write; boring dogshit. Our dogshit is hot and steamy and trashy and fun, his is just old and dried up. (Before you yell at me, yes I am well aware that Crime and Punishment isn't an American novel. The word Dostovokeksyekskyveveeky kind of gives it away.)

The world of High Lit has canonized Dostoevsky and Fitzgerald and so on and cetera. Therefore, High Lit is dead to me. As I type this I am standing over its corpse and pissing. My piss is actually improving High Lit. And look, there's my dog. He's a little white dog with black eyes. He's taking a dump on it. His legs shake when he squats to shit, and his shit is improving the corpse as much as my piss is.

Next step is to get down on my knees and try CPR. If I can bring the body back to life, maybe I can talk some sense into him and tell him to stop idolizing Serious And Depressed Young Men.

There's no sign of life. No breath. No pulse. Okay, what did I teach everybody when I was a CPR instructor? Oh right, open the airway, tilt the head back, open the mouth, and breathe. Watch the chest rise. Breathe again. Still no life. Smack the face.

Wake up, bitch! Fuck it. He's gone. Pick up the body. Drop it in the trunk. Drive to your local mad scientist.

 

Me: Hey doc. I got a problem.

Her (the mad scientist): What's the deal? Another voodoo curse?

Me: No. Wait, what? You're a scientist. You don't do voodoo.

Her: Who do?

Me: You do.

Her: Do what?

Me: Remind me of the babe. Anyway, you don't actually do voodoo, right?

Her: First, I am a babe. Second, you don't know much about science, do you?

Me: …

Her: Ok whatever. What can I do ya fer?

Me: I got a dead body in my car. Can you help me bring it back to life?

Her: Not again! Why can't you control yourself?

Me: Man, whatever. We're not in court. Just help me, please. Please.

Her (reluctantly): Alright, fine. But this is the last time, got it?

Me: Thank you so much! Yes, I understand. Thank you thank you thank you!!

Her: You owe me big time.

 

We lay the corpse on an operating table. She connects wires to every inch of his body. She takes a little too much time hooking wires to the nether regions. I'm not sure, but I think she wants to ride High Lit's dick like everyone else. Ugh.

She flips a switch and the electrodes and whatever-science-y-things throw sparks everywhere. Before long the corpse starts to twitch and groan. Then it stands up. It looks at me and shrieks.

“Braaaaiiiinnnsssss.”

 

Oh. My. GOD. It's a zombie!

 

 









Why hello I did not see you come in. I was too busy being both seductive and terrifying. You see, I am the terrorist who also is an amazing pick up artist. That is highly cool and unique. Anywho, let's get down to brass taxes.

Dis right here is the only book thou shalt ever need to both seduce the sexys and inspire massive terror in many many many peoples. You see, I will set up my impressive thesis later on, in the thesis section of this volume, but first I should introduce a few topics.

One topic is the sex. The sex is often, though not always, achieved by the penetrating fornication of One Penis into the soft and fleshy folds of One Vagina. Oftentimes it is acceptable to introduce more than One Penis or Vagina into the other. Also sometimes one might use the mouth in place of the penis or the vagina. Also applicable is the anile region.

Special Considerations

This is a brave new world for terrorism. In the past, many of our forebearfathers were angry at the homos for suckin all the dicks and not leaving any for the terrorists. Those days are, gladly, past and we may now all engage in the slobbing of knobs.

Terrorism has come to embrace all forms of sexual expression, be it:

male homosex,

female lesbian scissoring while I look on with lubrication in hand,

threeways where two lovely gals place their hands and mouths on mine own cocknballs,

anal pentrative play,

power fantasies,

feederism,

rape play,

and even the occasional incest fantasy, although that is freaky as shit.



So you see, terrorism ain't what it used to be.

Also, now our goals are not uniform. In the past, all terrorists were united under one flag; the flag of Death To The Empire. But these days we have many diverse viewpoints and ideas about how to achieve our goals. Every terrorist is a snowflake who must be appreciated for his or her unique contribution to the world of terrorism. Big changes for us, big changes!

Redefining Terrorism

Whilst it is true that we contemporary terrorists owe a huge debt of gratitude to our forebears (who were not actually bears), we must define the words Terror and Terrorism and Terrorist for ourselves.

In the past, according to our most famous scholar, Osama Bin Laden, “all terror is focused on the crashing down of the Americal Empyre.”

Thank you, sir Laden, but your services will no longer be required. Today, terrorism is all things to all terrorists. There is only one unifying factor: one must make people fearful.

How can we achieve such a goal in an age of cellular mobile carphones and computormachines and pad devices which are like small computers? How does one inspire fear in those whom are simply having a mere blowjob session in the back of the theater whilst watching the latest movie where immortal elves and white wizards bash each other with swords and spears? How could anyone possibly be scared today when pornography is accessible at the click of a semen-covered button?

Tis true you filthy raggamuffin bumbaclot bitches. Terroring is harder today than ever before. Today's terrorist must have more tenacity and verve and vigor and ingenuity and semen than at any period in history. Luckily, you are such a person. You have the capacity for terrorism that a thousand Bins Laden lacked in times past. You have the ability to pull screaming vengeful terror from your back pocket and unleash it on an unsuspecting public.

So, people are staring at their phones? Develop an app that releases nerve gas and fills the theater with choking and screaming and dying people. Easy! Or develop and app called something like Happy App Time For Phones, but when people click on it they see a scary picture. People are scared of scary, that's why those two words are related.

Who can be a terrorist?

Good news: anyone! Bad news: anyone.

These days everybody has the chance to be a big scary terrorman, but that comes at a heavy price. There are so many ways to terrorize the masses that, well, you gotta try a little harder to stand out. You need to invent new ways to scare the fuckshitasscunt out of people.

 

Part one is over, so go play Pacman CEDX until the next one is ready.









Hello Dtoid. The charming zombie character I created is going to shut up for a minute because I need to spill some real talk. Some hot fire. Some mad education.

I feel confident saying most of you fit in one or more of the following categories: In your early or mid 20s. Male. American. Hating your job. Easily bored. Lacking motivation.

If you're not in those categories, cool. Run along and keep living out your dreams. Otherwise stick around, cuz I got stuff to say.

You don't have to let the world flash by. You don't have to sit in those lecture halls taking generals for a degree you're not sure you need. If you're in college and are studying something that's not a hard science with the guarantee of a job at the end of those four years, your degree is probably useless. College is merely a certificate of trainability. Most of the learning you do will occur outside of classes.

Parties, sex, breakups, hangovers, food poisoning, that's the real education. That's where you need to start, but since our society is based around you being a little worker bee who puts the cheese and pickles on the burger before passing it to your coworker who does the ketchup and mustard, all you've been taught is how to obey. How to learn dates and numbers and to raise your hand if you have something important to say.

Yes, I'm saying everything you learned is a lie. But that's okay. You can use that. It makes you stronger. Overcoming bullshit makes you stronger, and anybody who can overcome all the stupid bullshit that gets thrown at young people in 21st century America is going to be strong. A lot of people are going to drown in the bullshit river. Not everyone is going to make it across. I'm not across yet, but I think I can see the other side.

It's a big fucking river.

So you graduate high school having read stuff like the Call of the Wild. Then you get to college and read stuff like Gatsby and Othello. I'm not knocking that stuff, Gatsby is my favorite book, but your teachers and parents have failed you. They have failed you because they've not taught you the things you need to fucking know in order to go be an adult. They haven't even given you books or resources that will let you find the info on your own.

You need to know to put lube inside and outside of the condom. You need to know that sometimes the best way to handle aggressive douchebags is by sharing a drink with them (though not always). You need to know that bedbugs are a MOTHERFUCKER to get rid of. You need to know that Laphroaig Quarter Cask is some fantastic scotch. You need to know that eating a pot brownie will make you see the music, but you also need to know that psychedelics are not party drugs. You need to know that too much Coca Cola will likely give you kidney stones. You need to learn how to fight constructively with your significant other. You need to be scared for your fucking life. You need to swim a little too far out in the ocean and fight like a motherfucker to get back to shore.

If you're a bleeding heart like I was, you need to see that some people actively WANT to suffer. You can't help everyone. You can't change anybody's mind through your words unless they're already open to changing themselves.

And there are a million other things you still need to learn, and I probably need to learn more than you do. You're probably way ahead of me.

Maybe this blog belongs on r/circlejerk. Whatever. If it helps someone a tiny bit, that's great. Anyway, I've seen a lot of angst on Dtoid, likely because the majority of us are caught between doing what we want and doing what we think other people want us to do. Maybe you went to college because your parents want you to become a teacher like them. Maybe you're going to inherit the family vodka factory but you really want to have a tequila factory. I don't know. The point of this blog is the following. It's a list of names you need to get familiar with right fucking now.

Robert Greene. Steven Pressfield. Daniele Bolelli. Dan Savage. Joe Rogan. Amber Lyon. Aubrey Marcus. James Altucher.

Almost all of them have podcasts. Almost all of them have written fantastic books.

 

Tl;dr, buy Mastery by Robert Greene. Buy The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. Download every episode of the Drunken Taoist podcast. Do those three things right now. If you can delve into the works of all the above names, do it.

Quit college if it's not right for you. Do dangerous things. Kick your ass into gear. I'm sprin115@gmail.com if you have specific questions that you don't want to discuss in public.

Love you, Dtoid.

And always remember not to molest the alligators.

Photo Photo








Yes, yes. Lots of scandal. So many SadBoners.

 

In other news, here's a comedy:

That picture is more important than your shitty scandal-of-the-week.

 

Also that one.

 

 

Your leader,

Zombie Orwell

Photo Photo








Hey Dtoid. Let's face it: this website is obviously run by Illuminati Bilderberg New World Order Knights Templar Masons. I mean, c'mon; pretty obvious, right? Niero killed JFK by transforming himself into several bullets. What a maniac!

Well, apart from that, there are other things THEY don't want you to know. Hamza will never admit it, but his check is written out by Donald Rumsfeld. And he only gets paid if he eats one baby per news item on the front page.

There are also OTHER other things THEY don't want you to know. Those things are about Jet Set Radio.

1. It was made hundreds of years ago in Spain by people who said “let's make a videogame and also let's torture people who aren't Catholics.”

2. A million bumblebees die everyday from lack of opposable thumbs with which to play Jet Set Radio

3. The real reason all the Star Wars Expanded Universe stuff was made non canon was to place it in the Jet Set Radio universe.

4. Jet Set Radio fan fiction. Write some for me. Make it either hyperviolent or hypersexual. Or both. I want JSR erotica and JSR snuff books. Also, I want cigarettes and tequila branded with JSR. Do this now or I will devour everyone you love. Don't fucking test me.

5. The soundtrack was composed by angels being given the best orgasms of their lives.

6. JSR is the most popular videogame ever.

7. The Illuminati are actually controlled by the Bilderbergs, who once were controlled by the CIA, who once had an agent infiltrate (and subsequently recruit everyone in) the Knights Templar. Also, the Masons did all the terrorism. Building 7

8. That last one wasn't about JSR. But it actually was. THEY just don't want you to know that.

9. Here's a pic of a cow:

(I love clicking "insert" to put a photo in a blog. It's even more sexier when cows are involved)

10. Fellatio was invented by The-Latest-Media-Scapegoat-Who-Got-Caught-Being-Racist-In-Private.

11. GULF OF TONKIN!!!!

12. The cereal called Kellogg's was invented by a guy with that last name. He made it bland and shitty so people wouldn't masturbate. I say we must all fap in resistance. Even if we don't want to. We owe six faps per week to the poor assholes who came before us thinking that if they jerked it, god would piss on their graves.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell


Go read some books:

Kilonova Complex: Episode 1
http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00J6N7RDU

Kilonova Complex: Episode 2
http://www.amazon.com/Kilonova-Complex-Episode-Brandon-Springer-ebook/dp/B00JOPQBCI/

How To Write Naked
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KFOZAJW

Sweet Hot American Trash
http://www.amazon.com/Sweet-American-Trash-Morgan-Stirling-ebook/dp/B00KFOZC7M/


Have a podcast:

Mexico: History and Resistance itunes page:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mexico-history-resistance/id812719884?mt=2
direct feed: http://mexicohistorypodcast.libsyn.com/rss
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