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10:08 PM on 08.09.2015

We some stone cold killers on these Dtoid streets, one hand on the 9, all eyes on me. Murda, murda, murda, murda.


4:56 PM on 08.09.2015

I somehow have the ability to give 34 faps.


My name is Zombie Orwell. You may know me from such legendary Cblogs as Help I Can't Find My Jar Of Pickles and I Somehow Have The Ability To Give 34 Faps. Well, I'm back again sort of like Eminem except I didn't nearly die from an overdose of prescription pills.

[Speaking of rap, Dr Dre just released Compton. Buy it.]

I've noticed that lots of people are complaining and discussing and fellating about the recent changes to the Cblogs. So I thought I would take this time to address you all in the fullness of time, that we might beat on, boats against the current, etc.

I made these changes to the Cblog System Thing after several centuries of contemplation and field testing. I always liked the Cblogs, but I never was able to devise a system that would give me 34 times the power of normal undeceased humans.

So I devised the new Cblog System Thing in order to respond to this travesty of justice.

Now that I have given myself the ability to fap 34 times per blog post, you had better believe I will abuse the living fuck out of this system until I decide to change it again.

In the meantime I will be fapping until my hands fall off.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell


8:20 PM on 06.22.2015

Why Shenmue is better than Jesus and you’re an idiot if you disagree.

There's a lot of discussion about Shenmue 3 and Kickstarter lately, but there is only one correct opinion. So shut the fuck up for a minute and learn something, you asshole.

You’re skeptical about Shenmue 3. You didn’t play the original and don’t see why the new one is such a big deal. "It’s just QTEs and bad dialogue. I mean, where are all the robot ninjas? Where’s the Covenant? Why can’t you carjack people and skullfuck them to death? Why is there no parkour?"

I understand your complaints, I do. I understand why you hold the ridiculous opinions that you hold. You were born in the 90s, so obviously you’re an idiot. Let me tell you how us non-morons see this issue.

I speak for everyone over 26 when I say that Shenmue 1 was God. You’ve read the Bible, right? That’s the book with the guy who’s like, “I’m the son of God.” He was lying of course, but he was right to exalt the name of God, for God was Shenmue.

Look at that. That's amazing.

Back in the 90s, when you were just a tiny idiot moron dipshit dumbass sack of shit, we had things called side-scrollers. You could only press Right on something called a D Pad because going left hadn’t been invented yet. So you could go right and jump a bit.

That was gaming back when you were an idiot baby. Now that you’re an idiot 20-something, gaming has evolved quite a bit. But the first game you played was Halo, so the only videogames you know about are fast-paced shooters that take place in 3D and have multi-million dollar budgets with soundtracks by world-renowned composers and amazing graphics that shoot semen all over your face.

You’re connected 24/7 to the internet, where information from every country on earth comes at your idiot eyeballs in a millisecond. I could probably tell you exactly what the President of France is doing right fucking now since he probably has his jail broken iPhone with him. (Spoiler alert: He’s eating better bread than you’re eating, you idiot.)

Look at that. That's amazing.

“What does this have to do with developers using Kickstarter to subsidize their budgets?”

Shut the fuck up, that’s what. Show some fucking respect to your elders, you little shitmuffin.

Anyway, gaming in the 90s fucking sucked. But then FINALLY we got 3D. It was ugly and the controls were dogshit, as was almost everything else about games made before 1998, but it was 3D. We could go right, left, forward, backward. It was god damn amazing for us.

But the worlds were tiny and you basically just ran down corridors, jumped on boxes, and did spin kicks. The music was horsefuck, the graphics were goatfuck, and the story was double catfuck.

Look at that. That's amaz... oh, that's Sleeping Dogs.

Yu Suzuki, some old Japanese guy you’ve never heard about because he’s not a Vine celebrity, was like, “Videogames are kinda lame. I want to make one set in the 80s in Japan. I want to make something we’ve never seen before.”

So he did that. He made the first open world game ever made because all the other technically-open-world games don’t count because they sucked wieners and balls. (Don’t even talk to me about Daggerfall or Hammerfell or whatever that Elder Scrolls thing was. It doesn’t count.)

Shenmue 1 had an awesome soundtrack, a slow pace, a fully-realized world with an ungodly and unnecessary amount of detail. It was the first truly gratuitous game the world has ever known. It was lush, large, inviting, and mysterious.

You got to explore a small Japanese town that really felt alive. There were no goombas that you had to jump on, no fucking dungeons with stupid ugly boring monsters, no ridiculous laser powerups, no spies with bazookas, none of that psychotically over-the-top videogamey bullshit.

These days we have a lot of variety in videogames. There are down-to-earth character studies and there are things like Azura’s Wrath (which you probably don’t remember because you’re a stupid 20 year old baby). But when Shenmue launched it was the only game that didn’t have monsters or ninjas kidnapping daughters of presidents.

It was slow, it was calm. True, it had the world’s worst voice acting and terrible dogshit QTEs, and the fighting system wasn’t very impressive, but it was new and it gave us something we never thought videogames could give us.

Today it’s impossible to find a game that’s not open world and that doesn’t have day-night cycles. I can play GTA V right now and just take a stroll along the beach, go buy some ice cream, and hang out at a bar. (All that is actually true. I know you didn’t know that. You’re too young to realize that life ain’t all about shooting rockets at helicopters and driving Ferrari’s off mountains. There’s more to life than explosions and dungeons and magic and shooting from behind cover.)

Shenmue was the first game that showed us that it’s okay to just walk around, buy a plastic Sonic toy, get a soda, pick up the allowance your grandma gave you, and go to bed. Not every second of every day needs to be spent engaged in mortal combat with the minions of evil whose sole mission is to destroy the world. Sometimes you can just hang out in Japan and enjoy yourself.

When was the last time you just fucking enjoyed yourself? I bet it was a long fucking time ago. And I bet that’s because you spend your time bitching about whether a corporation has the right to do a Kickstarter campaign. I bet it’s because you’ve never slowed down and just walked around Japan in 1986.

Go do that. Go walk around Japan in 1986. Just slow down. Just drink a soda. Just buy a little toy figure. Just enjoy the little things in life.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell

Look at that. That's amazing.


10:40 PM on 03.29.2015

Let's break the internet together!

I'm stepping out of character for a second. Anyone who doesn't like it is a fat, one-armed comedian. Also an idiot.

There's a battle raging right on the internet right now. Wait, I mean there are a hundred million battles raging on the internet right now, but the one I'm gonna talk about is the one involving two comedians. Who they are isn't important. What they said isn't important. What's important is how they managed, intentionally or unintentionally, to break the internet.

 It's called Outrage Marketing. Or Outrage Porn. If you can piss a segment of people off bad enough, they will dedicate hundreds and hundreds of blog posts to you, calling you an asshole, screaming about what a big mean meanie you are, etc.

 It's a fantastic method to gain publicity. It doesn't always work, but when it does, holy shit.

 Quick example: Rappers do it regularly to get their fans riled up so that they'll buy more records. 50 Cent starts beef with Game, sales skyrocket.

 Now in the social media age we have the SJW (social justice warrior) sphere that needs a constant stream of evil white men "punching down.” We also have the MRA (men's rights activist) sphere that needs to see a defenseless white guy getting criticized by those evil feminazis.

 Enter the comedian beef. Ari Shaffir made rude comments about some otherwise no-name comedian (Daminenne Merlina). This is an extremely common practice in the standup world. Any comedian entering the profession had better expect mountains of shit to rain down on them by other comedians. They even have an entire genre of comedy called Roasts where the whole point is to insult another comedian.

 So the first comedian said mean things about the second comedian. The second comedian made a YouTube video crying like a baby and saying HOW DARE ANYONE CRITICIZE ME???

 What happened next? The SJWs took to Jezebel and all the other dogshit outrage porn sites they use to vomit their stupid stupid stupid words at each other. And the MRAs took to their dogshit outrage porn sites they use to vomit their stupid stupid stupid stupid words at each other. The first comedian was accused of “punching down” at the defenseless second comedian.

 Whether the two comedians planned this or whether this is a real conflict between two people (who really should be able to dish it out AND take it) it doesn't matter. Both names have now been perfectly SEO-optimized.

 It's the classic underdog scenario. It's David and Goliath. And it's giving me an idea.

 I'm a white guy. My wife is latina. I have what the MRAs want and my wife has what the SJWs want.

 We can probably launch right into the internet fame stratosphere if we start a beef. I call her racist names. She cries about it and posts to Youtube with her thick accent.

 Then the anti-oppression warriors – the SJWs – can begin their crusade to burn me alive while making sure to write my evil white male name a hundred times in their articles and including helpful links to my social media accounts. The MRAs will see one of their own being crucified by a “liberal media” determined to keep white men oppressed. Nobody will ever know my wife and I are a couple since we'll delete all evidence beforehand (and none of you people will spill the beans).

 We enrage both the MRAs and the SJWs. End result = BANK.

 Anybody want in?


1:24 PM on 02.19.2015

This is how Destructoid will fall. (sexy pics included)

Dearest filthy perverts, please sit down in a chair. Prepare your cerebellums for maximum Orwellian exposure and tactical informations.

We here at Dtoid have lost many comrades. A lesser writer would say we've lost many zomrades, but I am not a lesser writer. I am a greater writer. I am a greater writer than Hitchens, I am a greater writer than that thieving bastard Hemingway, and I'm even a greater writer than EL James.

None of that matters. We've lost people. Remember when I published that review of Zombies Ate My Neighbors? I do. It was lovely and very prescient.

Since that lovely day in 2011 or whenever, we've lost about 45 gajillion people. All of this is has proven me right. You see, I wrote a Temporary Fiction book about Destructoid. It's Temporary Fiction in the way that my highly Orwellian novel of Negative Utopia, called 1984, was Temporary Fiction.

My book was called The Devastation and Destruction of Destructoid. It laid bare the events that will inevitably bring the collapse of our beloved Destructzord.

The only way we can prevent The Fall Of Dtoid is by reading the book! Plus, terrible things involving metal dildos happen to Mr Andy Dixon.

If you enjoy sex, you will also enjoy this book. It is available in the sexiest format possible on Medium:

If you haven't heard of Medium, you make me want to vomit on Long John, but he's in Brazil, so I'll just vomit on the floor. Now, Ctrl+click that link and keep reading:

I've been thinking a lot lately. About Beyonce.

That's her probably.

Beyonce writes music and is popular amongst the youths, yet I've noticed a gaping hole in her song repetoire. You know exactly what gaping hole I'm referring to:

Beyonce has not written any songs about coffee. In my view as a marketing expert, this is career suicide for a buxom young singer trying to make it in the music biz. So, Dearest Beyonce, here's the plan I propose:

Start writing more songs about coffee. About espresso. Cortados, machhiattottosots, cafe con leche, cappucinos, etc. Sex it up a little: "Oh baby, your coffee makes me want to sex everything all the time, oh baby let's get coffee and have sex with it." You know, that kinda stuff. The kids love it.

The combination is instant success. How do I know? Well, it's a little something called market verticality. Instead of just singing about sex or just singing about coffee, we're combining the two markets. People love sex, people love coffee. So, you mix the two and BAM, you're an instant millionaire!

Plus, look at it this way, we can market the shit under the Beyonce subreddit, the coffee subreddit, the sex subreddit, and the music subreddit. It's fucking genius. Then we make a sexy little NSFW music video where you have sex with coffee and we sell it to the porn market. They're having a tough time these days. Not many women are willing to take off their clothes. The market's drying up.

So, Beyonce, think about this. This is the right move at the right time. Everybody's talking about coffee and everybody's talking about sex. Let's make you a billionaire, baby.

(Also, read The Devastation And Destruction Of Destructoid before it's too late.)

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell


8:39 PM on 01.28.2015

How historically accurate is Mass Effect? Pt 1

HELLOO AND WELCOME to another exciting and arousing edition of the zombie who is Orwell (who is me)'s prescient and Orwellian series which is Orwellianly called How Stoically Accurate Is Massive FX?

It's all about the T&A here at Zombie Orwell's Hate Corner. T&A of course stands for Turians and Asari!!!!!!!!!!! HA THAT IS A JOKE YOU IDIOT.

And it's T&A week on, so we may as well talk about Turians and Asari.

Of course, according to History, which is things that happened long ago, Turians were not actually dinosaury things. They were actually more accurately described as being doors. I think Tur is German for Door, so a Turian would be a Doorian.

But not like Dorian Gray... Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray.

Good googly moogly we're getting off track. ANYwhos, the Mass Effect series protrays Turians problematically and misandrically as not doors. Also they're only men for some reason. Except there might be DLC where there's a Turian girl. I don't remember. Either way it's not very historically accurate since there have never been female doors.

Next up, Asari. In History, the Asari were a race of sexy blue alien bitches who rode Napoleon's dick every Tuesday (or Mardi as they say in French) at precisely 7 o'clock. An obvious pun which I would like to make right now is “seven o'cock” since they rode dick.

The most famous Asari dick-rider (or dique-rideauxr in French) was called Aria T'Loak. You may recognize that name, forwhencely she was also featured in the Mass Effect Video Game: The Game. She was the character voiced by the woman from the Matrix and nothing else.

Wow, we're only two races in and already this series is just not holding up to Dan Carlin-levels of historical accuracy. At this point I feel it is highly important to give Mass Effect a Seven out of 100 on the scale of correctness.

Before we go, a word from our sponsors:

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Well, that's it for the Zombie Orwell's Hate Corner Weekly Historical Special. We focused this week on Mass Effect and whether it lives up to its claim to the The World's Greatest Historiographer, which is just stupid since hisotriographers study historians and not history, and even if it were accurate, Mass Effect is a terrible historiographer since it gets even the most basic of facts dead wrong. Also #cancelColbert.

Your leader,

Zombie Orwell.


11:10 AM on 11.22.2014

How dare Dtoid not spend all its budget covering #GOMERGOAT forevers!?

I am white anglo boy of 21 years or maybe more or maybe less but I never go to place where people have real problem and although I will have degree in some science topic that will pay lots and keepme comfortable enough to never have actual thoughts that might be upsetting to status quo. I spends all day learning science thing instead of career that studies how people actually live.

Nonetheless I am very smarty so I critic the women on my campus who don't shave their arms and some of them have hair between their boobs which is gross. They won't fuck me and that is why I hate them.

“How do I touch woman but also hate her?” -Brian Altano.

So one day the hair women were protesting because they said men are keeping wages lower for women than men, but my mom once put me on timeout and also a girl broke up with me once.

Therefore women have all powers in the world and control the world with matriarchies that crush testicels. I know this because science.

Then a woman said “not a lot of games are inviting to women” and HOW DARE SHE CRITIC THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER FOUND THAT DOESN'T JUDGE ME FOR BEING AN ANTISOCIAL PASTY COMFORTABLE DOUCHEBAG!! Games are the only thing I have in this world, so I get very scare when someone say “not all games are perfect all the time.”

Games are art shitheads!

They should be afforded all the same rights as arts in the civilizations, but must never be criticqued because one time before the internet people didn't buy a lot of games and that made the crash of 1983 which is always around the corner. The government is trying to persecute us exactly like the nazies did to the gypsies in the war!

Nazis are bads.

So the Sarkeeszhon is a nazie because she says “some games not nice for woman.” THAT IS EXACFLY WHAT NAZIES SAYED!!

GAMES are under real threat in these days today. There is a 100% possibility that they might go away forever because they are not the single largest entertainment medium by dollars spent in the US. Remember when movies almost disappeared that one time? And music too. Also comic books disappeared and novels did and even orchestras were on the brink of destruction by feminzazies (who won't have sex with me and that's why I use the word feminazi because I am frustrated male who can't get a vagine) who said “Beethoven is for men.”

in conclusions, fuck women because women won't fuck me and I never go to place where real problem exist. #GOMERGOAT is very important for my myopic worldview to continue unchanged. New ideas scare me.

Therefore this is why destructiotd must only ever cover #GOMERGOAT and the sarkezkehan. Both of thoes things is important.

Both of those is importants. Very importants.

Here is a list of names I've never heard of because I have never paid more than 15 minutes of attention to things like SJW and feminazi. I only pay attention to #GOMERGOAT and SARKERTRION.

Henry Kissinger, Arundhati Roy, Howard Zinn, Christopher Hitchens, Cenk Uygur, Thaddeus Russel, Charles C Mann, Horkheimer and Adorno, Sam Harris, Robert D Kaplan, Karl Rove, Subcomandante Marcos, Matt Taibbi, Naomi Klein, Naomi Wolf.

There are hundreds of other highly important names the using of which I could use to put their ideas into dialogue with each other and make up my own mind about issues, but I only care about #GOMERGOAT.

THEREFORE Dtoid must only cover #GOMERGOAT because it is the only thing happening in the gaming sphere. And gaming is the only important thing.

Gaming is important and women won't fuck me. That's why I write these blogs.

God I wanna cum so hard on some tits and still hate the woman with the tits.


4:12 PM on 11.03.2014

Skullfucking the Great American Novel.

We all love Gatsby, right? The prose is damn near perfect. The end of Chapter One sends shivers crawling around your temples. And that end; boats against the current and shit. Good shit. Fitzgerald was a god. But Game of Thrones walked up behind Gatsby, knifed it in the back, and roasted the corpse with dragon fire.

Have you taken any university lit courses? The ones where you have to read things like Gatsby and write 10-12 pages double-spaced on the Earth-shaking symbolism of the book's colors or its life-affirming qualities for WWI veterans?

Those professors are idiots. Idiots with actual degrees from Idiot University. I'm being 100% literal here.

They're just teaching Fitzgerald and Maugham because that's what they learned back in their own college days (at Idiot University).

Gatsby might have resonated with lots of people back in the 20s and 30s, but today only wankers (like me and you) read it. Books that are nothing but somber meditations on the the Idle Rich and Young Love and Disillusionment will not sell anymore. People no longer wanna read that nonsense. And no, Jonathan Franzen, the world doesn't need any more of it.

Go to any brick-and-mortar bookstore that still separates Literary Fiction from genre fiction. Read the blurbs on the back covers. They're all character studies. Not only that, they're character studies that pretend as though there are still characters that haven't been invented.

All the characters that will ever exist have already been created in other books. Do not write the next Gatsby.

The Great American Novel is wonderful and lovely, but here's something extremely important: you're not reading it right now. You're in the middle of 3 or 4 thrillers or fantasy books or romance novels or porno mags. None of them are The Great American Novel. Maybe seven months ago you read 15 pages of Crime and Punishment, but you put it down and picked up Game Of Mother Fucking Thrones because Game Of Mother Fucking Thrones is SO FUCKING GOOD.

And Dostoevsky wrote dogshit. Not good dogshit like we write; boring dogshit. Our dogshit is hot and steamy and trashy and fun, his is just old and dried up. (Before you yell at me, yes I am well aware that Crime and Punishment isn't an American novel. The word Dostovokeksyekskyveveeky kind of gives it away.)

The world of High Lit has canonized Dostoevsky and Fitzgerald and so on and cetera. Therefore, High Lit is dead to me. As I type this I am standing over its corpse and pissing. My piss is actually improving High Lit. And look, there's my dog. He's a little white dog with black eyes. He's taking a dump on it. His legs shake when he squats to shit, and his shit is improving the corpse as much as my piss is.

Next step is to get down on my knees and try CPR. If I can bring the body back to life, maybe I can talk some sense into him and tell him to stop idolizing Serious And Depressed Young Men.

There's no sign of life. No breath. No pulse. Okay, what did I teach everybody when I was a CPR instructor? Oh right, open the airway, tilt the head back, open the mouth, and breathe. Watch the chest rise. Breathe again. Still no life. Smack the face.

Wake up, bitch! Fuck it. He's gone. Pick up the body. Drop it in the trunk. Drive to your local mad scientist.


Me: Hey doc. I got a problem.

Her (the mad scientist): What's the deal? Another voodoo curse?

Me: No. Wait, what? You're a scientist. You don't do voodoo.

Her: Who do?

Me: You do.

Her: Do what?

Me: Remind me of the babe. Anyway, you don't actually do voodoo, right?

Her: First, I am a babe. Second, you don't know much about science, do you?

Me: …

Her: Ok whatever. What can I do ya fer?

Me: I got a dead body in my car. Can you help me bring it back to life?

Her: Not again! Why can't you control yourself?

Me: Man, whatever. We're not in court. Just help me, please. Please.

Her (reluctantly): Alright, fine. But this is the last time, got it?

Me: Thank you so much! Yes, I understand. Thank you thank you thank you!!

Her: You owe me big time.


We lay the corpse on an operating table. She connects wires to every inch of his body. She takes a little too much time hooking wires to the nether regions. I'm not sure, but I think she wants to ride High Lit's dick like everyone else. Ugh.

She flips a switch and the electrodes and whatever-science-y-things throw sparks everywhere. Before long the corpse starts to twitch and groan. Then it stands up. It looks at me and shrieks.



Oh. My. GOD. It's a zombie!




11:08 PM on 11.01.2014

How To Seduce Like A Terrorist, part one.

Why hello I did not see you come in. I was too busy being both seductive and terrifying. You see, I am the terrorist who also is an amazing pick up artist. That is highly cool and unique. Anywho, let's get down to brass taxes.

Dis right here is the only book thou shalt ever need to both seduce the sexys and inspire massive terror in many many many peoples. You see, I will set up my impressive thesis later on, in the thesis section of this volume, but first I should introduce a few topics.

One topic is the sex. The sex is often, though not always, achieved by the penetrating fornication of One Penis into the soft and fleshy folds of One Vagina. Oftentimes it is acceptable to introduce more than One Penis or Vagina into the other. Also sometimes one might use the mouth in place of the penis or the vagina. Also applicable is the anile region.

Special Considerations

This is a brave new world for terrorism. In the past, many of our forebearfathers were angry at the homos for suckin all the dicks and not leaving any for the terrorists. Those days are, gladly, past and we may now all engage in the slobbing of knobs.

Terrorism has come to embrace all forms of sexual expression, be it:

male homosex,

female lesbian scissoring while I look on with lubrication in hand,

threeways where two lovely gals place their hands and mouths on mine own cocknballs,

anal pentrative play,

power fantasies,


rape play,

and even the occasional incest fantasy, although that is freaky as shit.

So you see, terrorism ain't what it used to be.

Also, now our goals are not uniform. In the past, all terrorists were united under one flag; the flag of Death To The Empire. But these days we have many diverse viewpoints and ideas about how to achieve our goals. Every terrorist is a snowflake who must be appreciated for his or her unique contribution to the world of terrorism. Big changes for us, big changes!

Redefining Terrorism

Whilst it is true that we contemporary terrorists owe a huge debt of gratitude to our forebears (who were not actually bears), we must define the words Terror and Terrorism and Terrorist for ourselves.

In the past, according to our most famous scholar, Osama Bin Laden, “all terror is focused on the crashing down of the Americal Empyre.”

Thank you, sir Laden, but your services will no longer be required. Today, terrorism is all things to all terrorists. There is only one unifying factor: one must make people fearful.

How can we achieve such a goal in an age of cellular mobile carphones and computormachines and pad devices which are like small computers? How does one inspire fear in those whom are simply having a mere blowjob session in the back of the theater whilst watching the latest movie where immortal elves and white wizards bash each other with swords and spears? How could anyone possibly be scared today when pornography is accessible at the click of a semen-covered button?

Tis true you filthy raggamuffin bumbaclot bitches. Terroring is harder today than ever before. Today's terrorist must have more tenacity and verve and vigor and ingenuity and semen than at any period in history. Luckily, you are such a person. You have the capacity for terrorism that a thousand Bins Laden lacked in times past. You have the ability to pull screaming vengeful terror from your back pocket and unleash it on an unsuspecting public.

So, people are staring at their phones? Develop an app that releases nerve gas and fills the theater with choking and screaming and dying people. Easy! Or develop and app called something like Happy App Time For Phones, but when people click on it they see a scary picture. People are scared of scary, that's why those two words are related.

Who can be a terrorist?

Good news: anyone! Bad news: anyone.

These days everybody has the chance to be a big scary terrorman, but that comes at a heavy price. There are so many ways to terrorize the masses that, well, you gotta try a little harder to stand out. You need to invent new ways to scare the fuckshitasscunt out of people.


Part one is over, so go play Pacman CEDX until the next one is ready.


1:36 PM on 10.29.2014

Dreamweaver inspired this blog.

Hello Dtoid. The charming zombie character I created is going to shut up for a minute because I need to spill some real talk. Some hot fire. Some mad education.

I feel confident saying most of you fit in one or more of the following categories: In your early or mid 20s. Male. American. Hating your job. Easily bored. Lacking motivation.

If you're not in those categories, cool. Run along and keep living out your dreams. Otherwise stick around, cuz I got stuff to say.

You don't have to let the world flash by. You don't have to sit in those lecture halls taking generals for a degree you're not sure you need. If you're in college and are studying something that's not a hard science with the guarantee of a job at the end of those four years, your degree is probably useless. College is merely a certificate of trainability. Most of the learning you do will occur outside of classes.

Parties, sex, breakups, hangovers, food poisoning, that's the real education. That's where you need to start, but since our society is based around you being a little worker bee who puts the cheese and pickles on the burger before passing it to your coworker who does the ketchup and mustard, all you've been taught is how to obey. How to learn dates and numbers and to raise your hand if you have something important to say.

Yes, I'm saying everything you learned is a lie. But that's okay. You can use that. It makes you stronger. Overcoming bullshit makes you stronger, and anybody who can overcome all the stupid bullshit that gets thrown at young people in 21st century America is going to be strong. A lot of people are going to drown in the bullshit river. Not everyone is going to make it across. I'm not across yet, but I think I can see the other side.

It's a big fucking river.

So you graduate high school having read stuff like the Call of the Wild. Then you get to college and read stuff like Gatsby and Othello. I'm not knocking that stuff, Gatsby is my favorite book, but your teachers and parents have failed you. They have failed you because they've not taught you the things you need to fucking know in order to go be an adult. They haven't even given you books or resources that will let you find the info on your own.

You need to know to put lube inside and outside of the condom. You need to know that sometimes the best way to handle aggressive douchebags is by sharing a drink with them (though not always). You need to know that bedbugs are a MOTHERFUCKER to get rid of. You need to know that Laphroaig Quarter Cask is some fantastic scotch. You need to know that eating a pot brownie will make you see the music, but you also need to know that psychedelics are not party drugs. You need to know that too much Coca Cola will likely give you kidney stones. You need to learn how to fight constructively with your significant other. You need to be scared for your fucking life. You need to swim a little too far out in the ocean and fight like a motherfucker to get back to shore.

If you're a bleeding heart like I was, you need to see that some people actively WANT to suffer. You can't help everyone. You can't change anybody's mind through your words unless they're already open to changing themselves.

And there are a million other things you still need to learn, and I probably need to learn more than you do. You're probably way ahead of me.

Maybe this blog belongs on r/circlejerk. Whatever. If it helps someone a tiny bit, that's great. Anyway, I've seen a lot of angst on Dtoid, likely because the majority of us are caught between doing what we want and doing what we think other people want us to do. Maybe you went to college because your parents want you to become a teacher like them. Maybe you're going to inherit the family vodka factory but you really want to have a tequila factory. I don't know. The point of this blog is the following. It's a list of names you need to get familiar with right fucking now.

Robert Greene. Steven Pressfield. Daniele Bolelli. Dan Savage. Joe Rogan. Amber Lyon. Aubrey Marcus. James Altucher.

Almost all of them have podcasts. Almost all of them have written fantastic books.


Tl;dr, buy Mastery by Robert Greene. Buy The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. Download every episode of the Drunken Taoist podcast. Do those three things right now. If you can delve into the works of all the above names, do it.

Quit college if it's not right for you. Do dangerous things. Kick your ass into gear. I'm [email protected] if you have specific questions that you don't want to discuss in public.

Love you, Dtoid.

And always remember not to molest the alligators.


3:11 PM on 10.18.2014

The most important thing on the internet.

Yes, yes. Lots of scandal. So many SadBoners.


In other news, here's a comedy:

That picture is more important than your shitty scandal-of-the-week.


Also that one.



Your leader,

Zombie Orwell


2:34 PM on 05.24.2014

10 things they don't want you to know about Jet Set Radio

Hey Dtoid. Let's face it: this website is obviously run by Illuminati Bilderberg New World Order Knights Templar Masons. I mean, c'mon; pretty obvious, right? Niero killed JFK by transforming himself into several bullets. What a maniac!

Well, apart from that, there are other things THEY don't want you to know. Hamza will never admit it, but his check is written out by Donald Rumsfeld. And he only gets paid if he eats one baby per news item on the front page.

There are also OTHER other things THEY don't want you to know. Those things are about Jet Set Radio.

1. It was made hundreds of years ago in Spain by people who said “let's make a videogame and also let's torture people who aren't Catholics.”

2. A million bumblebees die everyday from lack of opposable thumbs with which to play Jet Set Radio

3. The real reason all the Star Wars Expanded Universe stuff was made non canon was to place it in the Jet Set Radio universe.

4. Jet Set Radio fan fiction. Write some for me. Make it either hyperviolent or hypersexual. Or both. I want JSR erotica and JSR snuff books. Also, I want cigarettes and tequila branded with JSR. Do this now or I will devour everyone you love. Don't fucking test me.

5. The soundtrack was composed by angels being given the best orgasms of their lives.

6. JSR is the most popular videogame ever.

7. The Illuminati are actually controlled by the Bilderbergs, who once were controlled by the CIA, who once had an agent infiltrate (and subsequently recruit everyone in) the Knights Templar. Also, the Masons did all the terrorism. Building 7

8. That last one wasn't about JSR. But it actually was. THEY just don't want you to know that.

9. Here's a pic of a cow:

(I love clicking "insert" to put a photo in a blog. It's even more sexier when cows are involved)

10. Fellatio was invented by The-Latest-Media-Scapegoat-Who-Got-Caught-Being-Racist-In-Private.


12. The cereal called Kellogg's was invented by a guy with that last name. He made it bland and shitty so people wouldn't masturbate. I say we must all fap in resistance. Even if we don't want to. We owe six faps per week to the poor assholes who came before us thinking that if they jerked it, god would piss on their graves.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell

Go read some books:

Kilonova Complex: Episode 1

Kilonova Complex: Episode 2

How To Write Naked

Sweet Hot American Trash

Have a podcast:

Mexico: History and Resistance itunes page:
direct feed:   read

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