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6:26 PM on 12.18.2009

New TF2 update is out...give it a few days

The Soldier/Demo update is finally out! Don't play it!

I know, right? Why the hell shouldn't you be blowing up noobs with new crap? This update carries some pretty massive bugs. In an effort for user friendliness, I'll make a list of Hits, Misses, and WTF?!


The Direct Hit! It's awesome, requires skill, and gives players further options while playing Soldier.

Valve added jigglebones to the Respectless Rubber Glove! Yay! Now my transformation into a rooster-Pyro is complete!

The Chargin Targe! It's awesome and reduces the number of sticky bombs I must wade through to get anywhere!

TF2 is only $10 this weekend! More players is always a good thing.

The Equalizer! It fucking equalizes! Getting those edge of death kills feels good, especially when you're in melee.

The Eyelander! Broadswords are cool, decapitation is cool, what's not to love?

Crafting! Now I have a use for those 12 Sandviches.


Glitches! People are reporting everything: from crashes to BSOD and GPU failure.

Steam is slow! Connecting takes forever, most likely due to the large influx of new players.

You can't unequip the new gear! Players are reporting an inability to unequip their new Demo/Soldier gear.

You aren't guaranteed to get the new gear you earn/farm! Completing milestones doesn't always give the new items.

Weapons are bugged! The Gunboats, the Soldiers 4th weapon which reduces damage from rocket jumping, doesn't always trigger. The Buff Banner, which can provide 14 seconds of mini-crits to yourself and nearby teamamtes, is unable to be swapped for another weapon after use for some people.


Some achievements are stupidly hard! No, seriously. They've been making them harder with each successive class update. Why? At this rate, Engi achievements are gonna be fucking impossible!


Valve's decided to fix some massive bugs! Spy-builders can't build! Other shit got fixed too!   read

9:41 AM on 11.16.2009

Gabe Newell tweets about HL2:Ep 3 and HL: Reimagined

Just read through that. I can wait...Ok, now you know exactly as much as anyone else on the internet. Time for some rampant speculation.

My theory of what, exactly, the trailer will amount to: Gordan Freeman will die.

Why do I think this? The website where the trailer will be posted, End of a hero.

What's this mean for the HL franchise? Maybe they'll get a hero with a voice. Perhaps Alyx? Maybe Gordan has a brother...

The big man, Gabe, has stated that the video should go up around lunchtime. Maybe it's legit, maybe it's Valve trolling us again. They seem to enjoy fucking with their fanbase.

What do you think, Dtoid? Is Valve's new company policy, "Fuck with their fun" or is this legit? If Gordan dies, will you keep playing? Would you be comfortable playing as a female?   read

4:42 PM on 11.14.2009

Juggling and being Juggled

Whether you're playing a shooter or a fighter, being juggled sucks. In shooters, it sucks because you know that it's entirely your fault. In fighters, it sucks because it means that you suck, at least in comparison to your opponent.

I was playing TF2 earlier and saw a few teammates get juggled, air-shotted and aerialed to death. In case you were wondering what I mean by juggling and what not, it is the act of firing a rocket at your opponent's feet in an effort to push them into the air where they are easier targets. Air-shotting and aerials are when you pop an enemy into the air with rocket number 1 and then shoot them with rocket number 2 OR switch to shotgun and kill. I felt bad for them. Could I have saved them? Probably not. Did I try? Yeah, sure. It really does suck to be on the receiving end of a juggle or aerial. You feel helpless and surprised, unless you're a Pyro. If you're a Pyro, you feel like reflecting their shot back at them. Juggling is an advanced technique used by skilled Soldiers. If you're being juggled, try to fight back. Crouch, shoot at the Soldier, do whatever you can to kill him, because if you don't you're just another kill.

Juggling in fighters is utterly cheap. It makes you feel like such a noob. Tekken is probably one of the worst games to be juggled in. Once you're off the ground, you're helpless. Most matches end after one good juggle. That's not to say that being juggled is a death sentence. Just saying you should watch out for it. Despite the cheapness, I thoroughly enjoy playing Tekken. However, I feel that Street Fighter and Virtua Fighter are more fun. Just an opinion.   read

2:56 PM on 11.12.2009

TF2 Thursday

I play a lot of TF2. Some might say I'm addicted. Some people are assholes. In any case, I'd say it's high time for my opinions on TF2 to be known. Also, somewhere in here, I'm gonna talk about girl gamers.

So, I decided to play some Xbox TF2 for the lulz. Man, that is some broke ass gameplay. I mean, jeez. I'm a shitty Spy, but I dominated an entire team. Does that mean that the Xbox gamers are inferior to the PC crowd? No. They just aren't used to people pulling tricks from the PC. Tricks like disguising as a teammate at spawn, cloaking, disguising as an enemy, and then backstabbing. I'm sure people do it on Live, but apparently not very often. Playing Pyro made me wanna rip my teeth out, though. No airblast means I'm super vulnerable to everything. That's not cool. I enjoyed playing Spy though. It made me feel pro.

PC TF2 is like crystal meth: It makes your teeth fall out. What? No, I'm lying. In any case, playing Pyro is stupidly fun. Getting reflect kills is so rewarding. It makes me glad I play on Dodgeball servers so often. Also, I have nothing but respect for Spies. Some people feel that the Spy is overpowered. I think they're wrong. The Spy requires actual planning and forethought. A lot of people seem to forget that the Spy isn't all invisibility and backstabs. Actually, no, that's exactly what the Spy is. The Spy is a homing missile, killing the deadliest players on your team. At least, that's what it is on paper. in practice, the Spy is a nuisance, killing a few players that aren't watching their backs. Heavies, Medics, and Snipers mostly.

Right...women in gaming. I've found more female players of TF2 than I'd have ever thought possible. I don't know if it's just that girls like Dodgeball servers, or what. Most female TF2ers are quite good. Most people would finish that sentence with "for girls." I'm not going to. I've seen females top the scoreboards despite half of my teammates telling her to get back to the kitchen and make sandvitches and whatnot.

I dunno what it is about the internet that makes people feel so free to be sexist, racist, or whatever. Maybe it's the perceived anonymity freeing them from normal social restraint, allowing them to unleash their darker sides while hiding safely in their homes. They feel a sense of power, perhaps, in their freedom. They're free from any form of punishment, sitting in front of their screens. It's all very sad, really. The only way these people feel empowered is by remotely, anonymously denigrating others. Strange people, strange lives.

Next time...I'll talk about something else. I have no idea what or when. Honestly, I just make these up as I go along. Obvious, right?   read

12:46 AM on 11.12.2009

Also, cocks

I met a man named Davis today. He wanted to show me his dick. I said, "No thanks, dude. I'm straight." He looked at me and told me that I didn't know what I was missing. I replied, "I'm pretty sure it ain't much." People are awkward.

I played a round with a guy called Elephantitis once. I asked him why he called himself Elephantitis. He said, "Yo dawg, I got dis huge cock. I want the ladies to know that I'm hung like I got elephantitis." I laughed and reminded him that he's playing Halo, so the only people that are going to see his name and inquire about his medical condition are 12 year old boys, 19 year old asscocks, and people like me. He called me a faggot. People like to advertise their junk on the Internet. If you think I'm wrong, you haven't been using the Internet for very long and should probably go have a lie down now, Grandpa. Oh, and while you're lying down, put me in your will so that I can survive your imminent demise comfortably.

I promise that I won't keep writing blogs about cocks, dickheads, wangs, peen, and other phallus. Maybe next time I'll write about real girl gamers and their blah blah whatever something not cock related. Maybe.   read

7:41 PM on 11.09.2009

I hate the players

Every time I play Halo 3 or COD 4 in instantly regret it. Do I suck? No, but I'm not godlike. I'm hardcore, but not for COD or Halo. I don't really play console shooters. Does that mean that you're better than me? Yeah, probably. So, having admitted that my skills are inferior to yours, what's your move?

If you're a hardcore COD player, you have one choice: be a dick. Go ahead, send me text messages about how you're dominating my punk ass. Call me a faggot and tell me to lrn2play. When I get a kill on you, feel free to send me a text about how I'm gonna regret it. C'mon, asshole. I don't play my 360 often, so you're more than welcome to accuse me of cheating. Go ahead, tarnish my previously spotless rep. It makes you a big bad motherfucker, doesn't it?

I'm not going to buy Modern Warfare 2 for my 360. I probably won't buy it for my PC, either. I never played COD 4 on my PC, so I don't really know what I'm missing since they gutted it. I like the online progression system, but leveling with a lot of assholes doesn't seem like a good time. Sorry, Activision. I guess you're not getting any of my money this year.

My true thoughts on hardcore players: If I wanted to play with dicks, I'd masturbate.   read

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