That's me. Well, a reasonable facsimile. If I ever wore a leather vest. Or did sit ups ever.

The thing with Rock Band's Character Creator is that with a little imagination, you can "kinda" do whatever you want. Although it seems limited against something like Tiger Woods or Fight Night (where I made a retarded boxer named Corky Shortbus), it still has enough options for someone like me to do stupid shit.



The popular late night TV host loosens his tie and sings girl songs.



Brian Slade AKA Maxwell Demon from the movie Velvet Goldmine. Its the only movie where you'll see Obi-Wan Kenobi buttfucking Batman.



Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star. Available in season 1 version,



season 2 (Tough Boy!) version,



and shirt a-sploded version.



Dr. Rockzo. The rock and roll clown. He does cocaine.



He is a real American.



Snap into a Slim Jim!



To round out the wrestlers, my latest project. It'll take some time to get it really perfect, but THE WARRIOR SHALL PREVAIL!!!!1!

So you wanna rock. Who doesn't? The hard part is deciding which guitar is best for your gaming needs. Today, I'll do a comparison/ contrast between the Guitar Hero 2, Guitar Hero 3, and Rock Band guitars. These are for the 360, so other console permutations may vary.

Guitar Hero 2

The Gibson X-plorer guitar is a pretty sweet rig. With its double humbuckers, solid body construction, and unusual shape its a favorite among metal guitarists like James Hetfield.

Pros:

Long cable
great feel
balanced tilt sensor

Cons:
Its not wireless
Start and select are in an awkward place, and sometimes gets pressed during insane solos

Guitar Hero 3

We are introduced to the Gibson Les Paul Epiphone. A standard in rock, it too has double humbuckers, but sports a hollow body construction, giving a twangy sound. Jimmy Page is well known for his love of these axes, and sometimes plays them with a violin bow. Making it sould like a, well, guitar played with a violin bow.

Pros:
Wireless
Interchangeable face plate
Start and select are in a much better position than previous model

Cons:
Eats batteries like candy
Collapseable neck sometimes causes a gap, leading to unregistered notes
Extra sensitive tilt sensor

Rock Band

A staple in rock history, the Fender Stratocaster is a must own for any guitarist (although there are numerous knock offs that can produce adequate, if not superior sound). The three single coil pickups produce a clean sound, fortified by its solid body build. Hendrix played on one, strung for a lefty, of course.

Pros:
Extra set of keys, closer to the body make soloing easier. Also good for kids. Or midgets.
Springy strum bar
Selector switch allows players to tailor their sound in overdrive mode

Cons:
Not wireless
Whammy bar often hits selector switch, almost forcing you to stay in wah wah mode (or off) all the time
Incompatable with Guitar Hero


Now, I wouldn't say that that would be it, but this is just my experience with it. What say you, sports fans? Help me build this consumer reports article by adding your own opinions!

I like to think I'm pretty handy. I know how to change the oil in my car, build furniture, and make a bong out of a five gallon bucket and an empty bleach container.

This is just sick. I would have never thought of this, but thankfully someone else did. Glowy LED lights. Now that's just handy dandy. Fortunately, there's instructions for those of us who know how to use a soldering iron.

Instructions can be found here.

So, rumor has it that 4 Chan, purveyors of all things manly and socially acceptable, have decided to have its army of loyal readers call Gamestops all over the country and ask for Battletoads.

Really. Battletoads.

Don't get me wrong, that game was awesome (albeit hard as fuck), but...why?

I'm confused as to why anyone would want to prank call a store, ask for something that doesn't exist, and ultimately hassle some poor schmuck working for McMinimum Wage.

Its kinda cruel, really, playing a practical joke on someone when God is already doing that by sticking them in retail.

I suppose I'm venting a little, but my experience in retail and service has taught me to really cut these guys a break. If you hate the holidays, think how these guys feel.

Guess who this is. Go on, take some time with this if you need to.

Give up? Well, here's a shocker (for me, anyway).

Its Otacon.

This figure is part of a 20th anniversary collection for Metal Gear, which includes both young and old versions of Solid Snake, the "I eat weird shit" version of Big Boss, this figure of Otacon, and Some chick with a sword named Raiden.

I totally want these figures. However, they are unreleased and only available for preorder. I know how a lot of you feel about preordering shit, but this is kinda hot.

This week is an amazing week for games. Castlevania, Conan, Zack and the horribly undershipped Wikki, hell, even Front Mission for the DS. How cool is that? With the cadre of amazing titles, it almost pained me to say that the first game I decided to play was Activision's Dancing with the Stars. Really. I played it.

For those of you with enough good sense to not know or care, Dancing with the Stars is based on the "hit" ABC television show of the same name. Basically, the premise is they take "celebrities" and pair them with professional ballroom dancers in order to make them look like jackasses on national TV. Keep in mind, we're using the word celebrity very, very loosely. Who did they manage to secure the likeness rights to?

Emmitt Smith. That Emmitt Smith.

Joey "Please don't go, girl" McIntyre. The former New Kid has seen a new low.

Joey "Whoa!" Lawrence. He's bald now. Not in that really cool, chemotherapy way, but in a "wants to look like a tough guy but fails miserably" way.

Mario "AC Slater" Lopez. Gee, Slater, I guess picking on preppy Morris didn't help your career after high school after all, huh? You can always make a sex tape.

Lisa "Are those seriously her lips?" Rinna. Some celeb. She starred opposite David Hasselhoff in that really crappy Nick Fury movie.

Stacy Kiebler. Nothing bad to say about her, she's hot, and her appearance on the show actually helped her career by getting her out of every closeted gay man's fantasy. Rather, pro wrestling.

Suspiciously absent from the game is Master P. I guess he realized that the show completely destroyed any and all street cred he had.

The game itself is basically Dance Dance Revolution for quadriplegics. Sure, you can use a dance mat, but, why bother? Life obviously sucks hard for anyone dumb enough to buy this, so grab yourself a Hot Pocket, and use the controller. To say that it does lack a lot of the finesse of DDR speaks volumes, but then again DDR is really just a stompfest for hyperactive Asian kids. While you play, the CGI avatar of your chosen celebrity, while poorly built, does his or her best to get off the good foot while the judges watch and beam with "pride".

Speaking of the judges, after each round, you are subjected to the candy coated gushings of the show's actual judges, which include former In Living Color wet dream Carrie Ann Inaba. Their praises are completely repetitive, and can get unnerving at times. Thankfully, you can skip it.

So what's the bad side about this game? Well, its the horrible load times. It loads so frequently, and takes a long time to do so, so it eats up valuable time you could use wondering why you're playing the game in the first place. Unless you're inbred (target audience!), then you can just wipe the drool off of your chin.

This game is a total loss. Don't even think about buying this game. It just proves to the industry that this is what we consider entertainment. Find something better to do. Play Portal. Cake is promised.