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I met your Mom at a delicate time in her life. She was feeling vulnerable and her self-esteem was low. I had just returned from a humanitarian mission in Africa where I built seven brand new towns out of aids. The only thing that impressed your Mom more than my inhuman strength, Brad Pitt abs and Steven Hawking intellect was the length, girth and prettiness of my immense penis.

She then had a multiple orgasm that lasted 6 weeks. That was before I even touched her. That's how much of a filthy whore your mom really is. I'm not going to tell you anything more because I think it is disrespectful, but I just want to explain one more thing to you - you know how when you listen closely at night you can hear your Dad crying himself to sleep? Now you know why.
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Why I want to love my Wii but really don't
Your Moms Hot Lover | 7:10 PM on 07.25.2009 21 comments


So I'm a 'hardcore' gamer (I prefer the term veteran gamer) and currently I'm stuck with a Wii as my primary
console. (I didn't buy any consoles as I was planning to move from the UK to the USA, since moving over here
I've been pretty broke).

Playing The Conduit with it's customizable controls but lame-ass graphics, story, game modes, etc etc made
me think about why I bought a Wii in the first place and assumed it was going to be awesome despite the lack
of power under the hood.

FIRST-PERSON -SHOOTERS
This is a no-brainer. My most played game on the Wii by far is COD: World At War. Despite the fact it is vastly
inferior to the PS3 and 360 versions, it is fun as hell to control a FPS on Wii. Although not as customizable as
The Conduit it is still fun. Multi-player maps and modes kick The Conduit's ass royally. And the story, despite
being thin and fairly standard, takes a dump on High Voltage's narrative from a great height. So, why the hell
are there not more shooters on Wii? Really. HOTD: Overkill was fun. MOH: Heroes was ok, but glitchy. That's
pretty much it. 3 years in. LAME. If there were some good exclusive FPS shooters - with decent multi-player
maps, more hardcore gamers would get a Wii as an extra console. 'Cos we all know it will never replace the
360/PS3.

FIRST-PERSON-SLASHERS!
Why the flying fuck in all of flying fuckdom are there not a TON of first person slashers on the Wii by now? Ok,
so I know that the motion controls are not 1:1 so what? Are you telling me we couldn't have a fun gesture
based game with blood and decent online combat system? Really? Is that so hard? No More Heroes and
Madworld come close to not sucking and feature gesture based violence, but NMH blowed due to the crap
mini-games, generally repetitiveness. Madworld is a beat 'em up not a slasher. Meh.

SO MANY NINTEN-PROPERTIES NOT TOUCHED
Where the fuck is F-Zero on Wii? I mean really? One Zelda game? That was developed for gamecube? Really?
One mario game, that was admittedly ok. Star Fox, Kid Icarus, Wave Race. So there aren't actually that many
when you stop and think about it, so that's even less excuse surely?

The best Wii games were not developed for Wii. Res Evil 4, Okami, Zelda. How pathetic is that? And yes I
downloaded World Of Goo. Ok, it's good but it's not exactly a deep experience is it?

I pretty much hate my Wii right now. I stare at it and think about turning it on but then I go read a book instead.
If my 4 year old didn't love it so much I'd have sold it on ebay long ago. I have been a staunch, loyal Nintendo
fan since 1985 but next time they release a console I am seriously not interested.



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19 comments | showing # 1 to 19
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Diverse's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 19:37
Diverse
"FIRST-PERSON -SHOOTERS "

stopped reading there
Monodi's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 19:59
Monodi
Regarding the first party amazingness: THEY. ARE. DOING. A. GOOD. JOB.

I ccan stand it, I fucking want a new FZero (GX was REALLY awesome though) and Kid Icarus, and Pikmin, and Star Fox, and many other things, but the only good games out there to support their systema re mainly released by them and Marvelous Entertainment. back then, Nintendo had a very good and faithful 3rd party support like Capcom, Konami or Ubisoft. Right now they are still supporting Nintendo, but barely ever with the Nintendo Wii.

Capcom released like... three games, Ubisoft a shit ton of them but 97% are not worth even a look, and Konami... I think that Konami hasn't even collaborated yet. Namco and Bandai are still thee but not much beyond licensed games which ar not bad but... just not that good either.
Kyle MacGregor's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 20:32
Kyle MacGregor
Your formatting is almost unreadable. Use firefox because Dtoid isn't friendly with some browsers when posting blogs for whatever reason.

And I really can't agree with you. I loved Madworld and No More Heroes. Resident Evil 4 on Wii was completely worth buying again for the controls and Separate Ways. Okami was released in the dying days of the last generation, knocking it for not being developed for the system? Just looking to find something else to be negative about?

@Monodi
In this next year, between Marvelous, XSEED, Capcom,and High Voltage there'll plenty to love on the Wii.
Zombutler's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 20:33
Zombutler
Please stop fucking my mom while I'm trying to watch Gossip Girl.
Chris Carter's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 22:00
Chris Carter
While your arguments weren't sound, I really appreciate that this post is "I don't like the Wii, sorry", as opposed to "why the Wii sucks ass".

It makes for a less pretentious article.
Jonathan Holmes's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 22:32
Jonathan Holmes
Little King's Story.
Your Moms Hot Lover's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 23:06
Your Moms Hot Lover
@MAGNALON what can possibly be not sound about opinions? I'm not arguing that no-one should like the Wii - these are just the reasons that I don't.

@CADTALFRYN I'm not being overly negative, the point I'm trying to make is I want to love the Wii, not just occasionally enjoy the odd game. My favorites, Okami, RE 4, COD, not developed for Wii. So why own one? And yeah, I'm using chrome I'll fix it next time.

@ZOMBUTLER. Dude your mom's hot, don't ask me to quit hitting that!

@MONODI - yeah you're right on the third party front. But first party wise I'm not happy. Mostly just because they have chosen to focus on the franchises I don't care about. That's just a personal opinion thing.
Chris Carter's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/25/2009 23:25
Chris Carter
I don't like the Wii very much either, you just ripped on random games that aren't that bad is all. I actually complimented you, haha.
Johnnyreb2565's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 01:15
Johnnyreb2565
Hopefully with the motion plus we will get better "hardcore" games. If not I'll stick with my PC.

That said, my 2.5 hr play with wii sports resort was fun. Causal but fun.
mr spooky's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 02:13
mr spooky
Madworld is the best wii game coming from Sega.
Topher Cantler's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 02:20
Topher Cantler
I dunno if it's trollan or what, but that fucking monkey gif makes me laugh every time I see it.
Monodi's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 03:21
Monodi
@ShadokatRegn

Oh god that was awesome
nummy6's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 04:34
nummy6
it seems the wii has so much potential but the dummies making all the games just cant unlock it.

however the wii WILL BE DEAD when project natal releases. so i suggest selling your wii and saving for natal. =)
eggz's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 07:46
eggz
You make some valid points sir but i dont understand why everybody hates it so much. I was bored of games because they were mostly damn similar until i played a wii.

Gotta agree with the first person slasher though that would be awesome
ShadokatRegn's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 09:32
ShadokatRegn
@Mondi - I knew writing it would come in handy, and it has ;) Thank you :)

Moral of the story; if you have to tell people you're "too hardcore for the Wii" you're definitely not.
Your Moms Hot Lover's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 10:19
Your Moms Hot Lover
@shadokatregn

at no point did I say I'm too hardcore for Wii. This post is a list of reasons why I don't like my Wii. It's opinion. If you actually read it you see it boils down to:

1. I'd like more first person shooters
2. I'd like some decent first person slashers
3. Nintendo haven't developed Wii games for the franchises I really like
4. Aside from Madworld, The Wii games I really like were all developed on other systems.

You my friend are a bigot as you assume anyone who calls themselves a hardcore gamer is automatically a moron and not worth engaging with in debate.

I've commented on your post, pointing out why you are a hypocrite for writing it in the first place.
Your Moms Hot Lover's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/26/2009 10:25
Your Moms Hot Lover
@jonathanholmes

Thanks, somehow Little King's Story slipped totally under my radar, but I just read a few reviews and it sounds awesome.
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