Zdravstvuj. My name is Valentin Seleznyov and i'm a 26 year old self-employed kitchen designer from London, England.
When i'm not making housewives dreams come true, i work on my space ballet and play video games.
It's like a regular ballet, only instead of traditional instrumentation, it will be performed on electric guitars, drum machines, and the space-aged equivalent of a cannon. A sort of ode to Tchaikovsky, my musical idol.
Today, i shredded the 100,000 gamescore barrier. Maybe shredded is the wrong word, as i did this while playing Where is My Mind by the Pixies on Rocksmith. Anyway, i got to thinking about how achievements are generally worthless and the highlights of my gaming life haven't been related to them at all.
I'm sure that we all have gaming moments in which we feel we have done something impressive enough that even non-gamer friends might enjoy the dramatic tale. Unfortunately my non-gamer friends didn't, so i'd like to talk about it here.
Allow me to set the scene: I had just brought my newly created wrestler, Valentin 'the Vampire' Seleznyov, into Smackdown versus Raw's multi-player arena. I could beat the AI with ease, even on the hardest difficulty, so i was anticipating, at the very least, a competitive bout... though in all honesty i was expecting to win easily. It was not to be though.
My opponent chose Rey Mysterio as his wrestler, and as the match started he said a few words over the headset, allowing me to tell that he was fairly young, and he kicked my arse. After three minutes or so of being thrown around the ring it became clear to me that there was no way i was going to win in a straight up fight.
But if i was to liken myself to any real-life wrestler, it would be Triple-H: the Cerebral Assassin. So i used the ridiculous amount of time my wrestler spent knocked out on the mat to concoct a plan.
He attempted to clothesline me, but i was able to flukily counter it with a bodyslam. He was down, so i rolled out of the ring and began rooting around under the mat for a weapon. As i pulled out a shiny steel folding chair, he wheezed over the mic 'you'll get disqualified'.
I told him that i wouldn't, as it was a no DQ match, and rolled back into the ring. For a little added dramaticism, i waited for him to slowly get up and said 'oh, you look tired, you should take a seat'... but before i could smash it over his face he had punched me, knocking me down, and the chair was now firmly in his grasp.
He hit me with it. And the bell rang signalling his disqualification. He went apesh*t over the mic and accused me of cheating.But i did not cheat.
What i did wasn't 'cheating'. It was providing an example of just why humanity is the dominant species on this planet. I overcame a physical limitation with my intellect. Mastering game mechanics is no match for good old fashioned craftiness.
If i buy another wrestling game, i should definitely create a character called Stephen Hawking. His nickname could be 'the rolling hawk'.