Being the ripe age of thirty-six years old in these here parts of Destructoid is like being the old dude in the club still thinking he's cool with a big ass gold medallion and slicked hair. While I'm not trying be in the "in" crowd here ( those days are long past for me ), what's even funnier than the old dude in the club example are kids or blissfully young people that consider themselves a Retro Fan when they don't even have a clue what being a Retro Fan really is.

First let me begin with how I have a disdain for the actual word "Retro". I've stated before that to me my game experiences of old are just that..plain old living breathing memories. Not retro-ish reflections. I try to refrain from romanticizing them with that terminology. But like all things I guess we have to have a word to categorize ourselves further. Personally gamer is enough for me or hardcore even though that's now not popular. Core has been making the rounds lately. Maybe tomorrow we'll start calling ourselves Gamers formally known as Core or New Age Gamer..who knows.

I think I got sidetracked, forgive me. Back on point, one of my biggest gaming pet peeves are of people who fancy themselves retro fans to try to be "cool" and "happening". It's not enough that they are gamers but they have to pretend that they enjoy the classics and advertise this fact to all who are within earshot. Usually by wearing the latest hip and ironic retro shirt of the week or telling you of how they played such and such game a billion times to impress you with his retro gaming prowess. *Yawn*.

Actually alot of times it can be very hard to decipher the real retro fan from the wannabe, as the wannabe retro fan can be quite ingenious in his role. Often they assimilate vasts amount of information through this bastardization of the encyclopedia known online as a Wikipedia. A resource where the information is provided by a collective of anybodies and based on their own votes, determine if their own submitted information is displayed correctly or not. Fascinating. So because of this and other intriguing methods they may utilize to pull the wool over you, I offer you below a few telling tales that shatter the facade of these charlatans should you want for future reference.

So without further ado I present..


YOU ARE NOT A RETRO FAN...IF:


* The first time you played Ms.Pacman, Dig Dug, and Street Fighter 2 was on Xbox LIVE.


* You don't own or have never owned an NES , SNES or Genesis ( Actually this should also constitute you not being a real gamer and getting banned from Destructoid by Hamza.).


* You actually think today's video games are too difficult.


* You secretly think retro games' graphics suck.


* You don't have a clue how to change the batteries of your old Nintendo game cartridges.


* You think PS2 games are retro.


* You actually own an [INSERT ANY RETRO CONSOLE HERE] with a slew of games..but you never play them. They are there for show for when your friends come over to build that retro cred or to show off your gaming rig to Destructoid in a pic.


* The first time you heard of a cool retro game was through Retro Force GO!.


* You have never placed a quarter on an Arcade Cabinet to place dibs as the next player to play the winner..


* You have never experienced the all encompassing ambiance of an actual arcade. And no, Chuckie Cheeses doesn't count.


* You have never played a game with a password saving system in place.


* You couldn't tell me all the bosses names of Mega Man 2 without googling it.


* You're fingers and thumbs have never been blistered or abused by Track and Field.


* You think the original Doom was the first FPS.


* You own retro t shirts of retro games that you don't even own.


* You own more retro t shirts than you do retro games.


* You own retro t shirts.


* You have never played a Final Fantasy game before VII.


* You think the Xbox 360 is the best controller ever.


* You didn't know Mario was originally peddled in Donkey Kong as a carpenter..not a plumber.


* You don't own more than ten memory cards for any old system.


* You don't think the biggest video game revelation of all time was Samus being a woman.


* You have never "blown" a Nintendo cartridge.


* You would rather play retro games in a portable console than on their respective ones on your TV the way they are meant to.


* The terminologies Mode 7 and Blast Processing mean nothing to you.


* You think every video game needs a story.


* You think every video game needs online play.


* You never have played a game you haven't read a review for.


* Your age falls between 12 and 17 years old.


I left out alot ... I didn't want this post to be never ending. Perhaps you can add some of your own below.