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Veni, vidi, vici.

Name: Francisco *AKA* Y0j1mb0

Age: 38. I'm the residential Old Geezer of Destructoid & You Tube Superstar.



Likes: Poker, Roast Beef Sandwiches, unsolicited sex, video games of all genres.

Dislikes: Elitist Pricks, Hippies, People who use the words "But I digress" and "n00bz"

Consoles I Own: PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, PSP Slim, DS Lite.
[ PSN:k0wb0y-b33b0p - Friend Code: 0774-3918-3804 - LIVE: y0j1mb0 ]


Founding Member of The Official Destructoid Beard Club and once Proud Reserve Recap Cblogger.

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For those who are weird and may actually want to read more of my stuff here are things off the blog I do. Occasionally I write for Flixist, a rad movie site where, get this, we talk about and review movies. I also help out a bud and try my hand out at game journalism (heh) at The Obsessed Gamer


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PONG. My review.
Y0j1mb0 | 12:19 PM on 02.06.2009 55 comments




It's been brought to my attention that there are quite a few younger Dtoiders that have never played the gaming classics and are in dire need of game reviews to classic games. So in that regard I offer them and you, the uninformed, a review of PONG.

Originally made by Atari engineer Allan Alcorn as a training exercise, PONG quickly became a success and is the first commercially successful video game, which led to the start of the video game industry. But has the game fared the rigors of time well? Can it hold its own against the graphic intensity of today's HD consoles with the bells and whistles that come with them?

Let us see. Being a rather basic and crude simulation of tennis by today's standard, PONG is beyond outdated. All you do is move a bar to hit a square pixel back at your opponent. Wash, rinse and repeat. There is but one level throughout the game That's it. Sound is ridiculously minimal. With no online play, leaderboards or even co-op mode I can't in all honesty recommend this game to anyone...even rabid retro fans.

Graphics: 1 out of 5

Sound: 1 out of 5

Replayability: 0

Fun Factor: 2 out of 5

Total Review Score: 1 out of 5

Bottom line: PONG while a precursor to what we call video games offers nothing to the table to caliber of gamers of today. Skip it.



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51 comments | showing # 1 to 50
prev next 50 comments

shipero's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 12:58
shipero
You forgot to mention the game's laughably weak narrative. Otherwise a very concise review.
blehman's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:06
blehman
Somebody forgot his afternoon nap...
MrSadistic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:07
MrSadistic
I want to pinch you in the balls, grandpa.
Primo's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:07
Primo
You also forgot to mention that the controls feel a bit too floaty at times.

Furthermore, no trophy support.. maybe they'll add a patch?
CAVE's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:10
CAVE
Mr. old Samurai Jack is teh biased!!

Only kidding about the biased part. ;)
galagabug 's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:18
galagabug
if only they tightened up the graphics on level 3...
Mr Wrighty 987's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:20
Mr Wrighty 987
if it isnt 1080p i dont want to know
zombiekiller13's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:22
zombiekiller13
I was hoping for DLC to be released. Maybe a new costume for the square, show off the boobs it's obviously hiding.

Sadly, when I asked my dad about it, he slapped me and said "what the hell is DLC? I bought you an Atari! If you wanted a DLC, you should've told me. Now go get me another beer!"
Brando's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:28
Brando
Wow it got the same score as Eternity's Child, it must be really bad...
Crunshii's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:30
Crunshii
Yojim u forgot one important factor...

5 out of 5 in ending scene!

I cried my heard out in the end... so much drama and romance blended into one beautiful.... pong.
Rifter's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:32
Rifter
Nooooooo! My childhood gaem!11! Wah..

Don't go against ol'school games.. Unless you play them drunk. Speaking of which, is this a drunken blog tag I see?
thefil's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:35
thefil
I am going to make this post about Chrono Trigger in ten years and be torn apart.
SilverDragon1979's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:40
SilverDragon1979
This is the most BIASED review i have ever read. How can you even call yourself a reviewer? Pong stand up even among todays high calibur games. I mean let's look at Killzone 2 ... it's absolute crap when you compare it to the beauty and elegance of Pong. I mean the visuals of Killzone 2 can't hold up at all to the visuals of Pong. I mean look at those black levels in the game. Just absolutely incredible!

You disgust me Yojimbo. I have lost all respect for your reviewing skills.
SilverDragon1979's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:40
SilverDragon1979
This is the most BIASED review i have ever read. How can you even call yourself a reviewer? Pong stand up even among todays high calibur games. I mean let's look at Killzone 2 ... it's absolute crap when you compare it to the beauty and elegance of Pong. I mean the visuals of Killzone 2 can't hold up at all to the visuals of Pong. I mean look at those black levels in the game. Just absolutely incredible!

You disgust me Yojimbo. I have lost all respect for your reviewing skills.
Kraid's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:43
Kraid
Pong ­> Killzone 2
ScottyG's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:50
ScottyG
I bet if Pong was a PS3 exclusive you'd have scored it better, instead of having a clear bias. :'(
Trev's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:53
Trev
I think I get it. Maybe. Gaming sure has changed a lot and you can't always compare games; us young'uns don't understand what it was like for you, born shortly after they invented rocks. Those were the days, right? New car for a nickle. Comics were an eighthpence for a baker's dozen. Big guys with striped leotards and handlebar mustaches lifting big, trapezoidal weights all over the place. I don't know how you handled all the sepia.

I prefer to appreciate how far games have come from my induction to a gamer's existence with the NES rather than criticize old games. Then again, I would have been far more excited about MM9 had it been in HD and loaded with effects to compliment the retro gameplay like BC:Rearmed. Classic games, even the greats, are outdated. That doesn't make them bad, but they don't necessarily measure up to the complexity and depth that newer games can offer. The fact that Luigi doesn't call you up to go check out some BEEG MUSHROOM TEE TEES doesn't make Mario Bros anything but a game from a completely different era.

Also lolz. Was I not supposed to take it seriously at all?
BulletTrain's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 13:54
BulletTrain
The ball isn't even ROUND. What a rip off.

To quote Mr. Bill O'Reily, "FUCKING THING SUCKS!"

Oh Jimbo, you so crazy.
mix's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:01
mix
I found the story line to be pretty weak and I mean comon whats will all the dark colors!

You just made me lol so hard it came out in French: Le Lol!
pendelton21's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:02
pendelton21
Oh, how nice, the Senior Center gets wi-fi now!
mistic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:07
mistic
awesome review :-)
shipero's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:08
shipero
@Mix

I mean seriously, it doesn't even hold up with other games from the era. Look at Adventure for example, a beautiful story of love, loss, and vengeance set in the Dragonlance universe. Powerful, emotional stuff...
ParaParaKing's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:19
ParaParaKing
So all the talk in the forums were lies, so you could post your PONG review first. You bastard!
liam2015's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:19
liam2015
Are there any boobies and violence in them? Cause I only play games with blood and nudity in them.
RiotMonster's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:23
RiotMonster
Lmfao @ all the old people jokes.
Trev's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:31
Trev
God damn. Just looked in the forums. What I thought was a satirical message about games and people not appreciating the old ones was the result of kiddies not appreciating the old ones. Nope! Goofy bullshit.

Gave you too much credit, old man.
Trev's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:32
Trev
...shit. I'm bad at posting today.

Imagine that "kiddies" is in bold and it has a much nicer flow.
PappaDukes's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:37
PappaDukes
Hypocritical flamebait!
Qraze's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:38
Qraze
nice. makes me feel old for remembering playing it when i was 3 back in 85
Dutch's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:39
Dutch
soooo...should I buy it or what? I don't understand these 5 point scales.....it's all witchcraft or some shit...
ShadokatRegn's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:46
ShadokatRegn
But the story was so captivating! Oh, wait - I see what you did thar.
Red TheHaze Veron's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:47
Red TheHaze Veron
Theres no online.
Tubatic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 14:53
Tubatic
lol @ reviewing a casual game on a hardcore gaming website.

Fairchild is clearly the superior gaming hardware.
PappaDukes's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 15:00
PappaDukes
FRONT PAGE NAO!
Guagloves's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 16:45
Guagloves
they did it for the lulz!
Naim Master's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 17:05
Naim Master
You forgot to mention the poor but convoluted storyline ...
Black Nexus's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 17:08
Black Nexus
Did he just review PONG ????? O_o
TheDreadHawk's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 17:39
TheDreadHawk
Oh I see what you did there.
Bob Muir's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 18:44
Bob Muir
So...

Sound: it has it.

Right?
IronPikeman's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 18:46
IronPikeman
LOL! I saw what you did there...
AgentMOO's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 19:35
AgentMOO
No boobies in screenshot - I give this review a -1 out of 5
Dead Movie Star's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 21:08
Dead Movie Star
I like dicks.
Dr Milkdad's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 21:12
Dr Milkdad
Incredible review
Haxan's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 21:55
Haxan
Was this a stab at people who don't appreciate old games? I kind of took it as a rib at all of the people reviewing games that are 15 years old. Either way, nice work.
Y0j1mb0's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/07/2009 01:12
Y0j1mb0
I kind of took it as a rib at all of the people reviewing games that are 15 years old.

A winner is you. :D
PhazonYoshi's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/07/2009 08:46
PhazonYoshi
You're just a microshitting fagtart who can't accept his mommy had to buy him a PS3 and not a real console. Grow up, man, how dare you give this game a score this low??
king3vbo's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/07/2009 12:22
king3vbo
NOSTALGIA RAGE
Brian Szabelski's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/07/2009 22:13
Brian Szabelski
YOU ARE BIASED AGAINST ATARI. HOW MUCH IS NINTENDO AND WILLIAMS PAYING YOU?
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