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Are you sick of hearing about BlazBlue yet? If you are chances are you haven't played it and own the game. And if you fall in that crowd I'm here to tell you BUY IT. The game is beyond awesome. For the others out there who have tasted it's sweet nectar, who have bathed in it's epic gameplay, rejoice as our PS3 Friday Night Fights have been taking over by BlazBlue!!
Our lineup of games begins with... ( you guessed it! )
BlazeBlue!! Starting time will be 8pm EST. Your Host will be none other than Santanaclaus89 AKA Moosehole on PSN. Think you got what it takes to beat his Noel? Or how about my Jin? Show us. We will show you the ways of 2-D HD pain. After this will be...
The gray landscapes of Killzone 2 to roll through. Starting time will be 9PM EST and your host with the most will be none other than Trev AKA El Zilcho on PSN. Watch out for his "Hiding like a bitch in a corner all invisible and shooting you in the back" technique. Also for tonight we will be dispensing the Clan Match altogether. Tonight we play as a whole, a singular team of destruction. Both alpha & Beta team Assemble to form Team Destructoid! There will be no lopsided teams going against each other tonight and what maps we play will be voted by you. New maps...old maps, you decide. Play tonight will end whenever the cows come home. Whatever that means. Then finally we end the night with...
BlazeBlue!! Starting time will be 11pm EST. Your Host will be none other than yours truly AKA k0wb0y-b33b0p on PSN. Yeah I need more points to absorb from noobs so I can reach even higher levels of supremacy. I urge everyone interested at taking this old man down to leave their PSN tag below so I can send you a special invite for your demise. Did I happen to mention that BlazBlue is awesome and you need to buy it? No? Well you do.
[ Blogger's Note: I may need additional BlazBlue Hosts. If so leave your PSN tag below and let me know. I will be updating this post if additional hosts are needed, which I believe will be needed. ]
This PS3 FNF post is brought to you courtesy of Bang's Secret Technique.
BANG.Buy this game. BANG. Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. BANG.Buy this game. Buy this game. BANG. read more
Let me begin this post by saying that when I was growing up, most of the games I rolled with were 2-D and out of those, ninety percent of those games I plunked quarters for were of the fighting nature. Legendary games like Capcom's Street Fighter, as well as their Vs series, or SNK's Samurai Shodown, and King of Fighters. This was before Sega put out Virtua Fighter. Before Namco followed suit with Tekken and the seed of 3-D games started to really take shape. 2-D was king back then and I played them all, I made their playgrounds my dojos of pain for those unlucky to challenge me.
Fast forward to now and its all 3-D. The beauty and art of 2-D is an endangered species and what was once the prevalent form of fighting games, that being hand drawn 2-D, is dead. It's now classified niche. Fucking niche. Can you believe that? They are clumping 2-D fighters with horse racing sims and fruity JRPGs that nobody ever heard of aside from Dale North. You know 2-D is on its deathbed when Capcom's new Street Fighter IV is 3-D. The sacrilege! Sure I love the game but I had to accept it for what it was... the best representation of the 2-D games that preceded it. But I wont delude myself thinking the new entry is their equal. It is not.
Capcom turned its back on its diehard fans, moved away from their 2-D roots and stepped into the realm of 3-D. The masters of 2-D fighting just ...well moved on. Left the scene to others should they, IF they choose to pick up the reins. You see 2-D doesn't sell. Haven't you heard?? I mean unless you're Nintendo and you keep releasing the same jumping Mario game or that whatever hot popular property, over and over on their portable system.
But out of the darkness came the Guilty Gear games. Fighting games with beautiful clean 2-D with a deep fighting engine. No pixelated over the hill reused sprites here. Just spiffy hand drawn graphics at blazing speeds and animation to die for. Life was good for awhile. Heaven & Hell was rocking. But again time passed and new consoles came out. No new Guilty Gear. No new 2-D Capcom fighter. Had the curtain finally closed on true 2-D fighting? I guess s-
WAIT. Folks, what I'm about to proclaim you probably already heard. Arc Systems the same folks that made Guilty Gear have lovingly created a new fighter for the HD era. And they didn't pussy out like Capcom either. They made a 2-D fighting game for the diehard and novice fighter alike. A fighting game that is easy to play and hard to master. That rare breed of game where that cliche is supposed to be used for. The game I'm speaking of if you haven't figured out is BlazBlue and I'm here to tell you, to urge you, that if you're a fighting fan, no matter how big or small... you need to go get in your car right now and buy this game. Even if you're NOT a fighting fan those directions apply to you as well.
This game is gorgeous. I'm not talking raising your eyebrows gorgeous. I'm talking having an orgasm in your pants gorgeous. If lesbians could impregnate each other then this game would be the love child of Megan Fox and Scarlet Johansson. When I say this game will make your eyes pop with its animation and beautiful hand drawn goodness all in stunning HD, I'm not joking. In the arcades it runs on a Taito Type X2 arcade system board, with a 16:9 ratio and 768p resolution. In motion it looks SICK. The animation is through the roof. Did I say it's in glorious 2D? What Street Fighter IV should of been? That image above is of the console version and it has been 100% faithfully ported over to your console of choice. Not only will the conversion to the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 be arcade perfect, but Arc System Works/Aksys Games will also include console-exclusive content not found in the arcades.
[ Go Wiki-pedia Go ]
* Console-Exclusive Content! Brand new music, animations, backgrounds, and a fully fleshed-out 30+ hour story mode with multiple endings have been made exclusively for the console release. * Dual Language Support! Experience the fully realized BlazBlue saga with fully-voiced dialogue in English or Japanese. * Online Battle! Train your skills online through ranked and player battles. Create online lobbies where up to six players can battle each other or spectate from the sidelines to gauge their opponents!
I picked this game up today and played it for like four hours and I couldn't believe how many combos I found for just one character. I barely scratched the surface of the engine. Street Fighter fans its okay to put down Street Fighter IV. I release you from that game. It's all right to spine it on your shelf. The game you've been wishing to really use that arcade stick is here.I used to pray to the gaming gods above for a fighting game like this when I was younger. It took twenty years for that wish to come true. You don't need to wait as long as I did. Its on the store shelf ready for you to pick it up right now. The first run of BlazBlue will be automatically the special edition which includes the game, the soundtrack, and a very thorough DVD/Blu ray of basic and advanced techniques for every character in the game as well as an even deeper look at the game itself. For the same price as the stand alone game that will follow it.
Do yourself a favor and buy this right this second. It's worth the sixty bucks. Save the "I'll buy it when it drops to twenty bucks" bullshit for the next over-hyped game published by EA or Ubisoft.. Support this niche 2-D fighter. Show how large this so called niche nation really is.
[ For the record BlazBlue will be a staple of PS3 Friday Night Fights. Hope to see you there. OH! Almost forgot... this game can be played on your PSP through Remote Play. :D ] read more
Its Friday gentlemen and that means only one thing... Destructoid's PS3 Friday Night Fights!! Unlike the 360 Crowd who gets cool prizes like Gears swag, us PS3 folk get...nothing! But that's alright. We don't need no stinkin' prizes. If you're lucky you may get invited to a PSN Chat and marvel at my glorious beard on camera! Woo hoo! ( I might even do a dance as well ) Anyway this is going to be short & sweet. For those who don't know the deal this is where Dtoiders get together for online fisticuffs with one another and have a blast fighting,racing, shooting with one another or against each other for shit talking rights as well as for some good all around fun.
Haven't joined us yet? Been lurking in these posts thinking: Maybe next time? Well next time is now. Join in the festivities. We promise not to bite, well I don't know about Sadistic but we I can vouch for the rest. All you have to do is look for the hosts below and join their online games or send them a PM. Don't be scared to send them a friend request. They'll accept. Just tell them you're from Dtoid and tell them you're a hot horny girl. That will usually do the trick.
Now to our rotation of games and times!
8PM EST: Red Faction Demo Host: JackOfNoTrades (PSN: JackOfNoTrades85)
It all starts with Red Faction Guerilla Multiplay. Jack is hosting a little ostrich hammer action. He keeps telling me he whups on everybody's ass in this game. Is that true? Is there no one who can kick Jack's ass?
8PM EST for the:Killzone 2 Pre-match warm up and 11pmEST for clan Match: Host: IronPikeman (PSN: IronPikeman)
IronPikeman is STILL covering for Takeshi, who's still out of commission. For those that are rusty by all means join our pre-match warmup . Then afterwards @ 11pm lets tussle to see who's clan is better. As usual the password will be 'TOID' and just as usual I will try to shoot down Trev and his hiding ass.
11:30PM EST: SOCOM: Confrontation Hosts: Y0j1mb0 (PSN: k0wb0y-b33b0p)
This is a 100% GO. I'm calling on all SOCOM clan members tonight to bring their asses to the frontlines. Its been a awhile since I played this game and I'm in the mood to smoke some fools. I'm calling you all out tonight: Daxelman, Trev, AJ, Primo, DeanR, Syckness, IronPikeman, Solgrim, Jay, naib, and anybody else who I forgot to include. LETS DO THIS TONIGHT SOLDIERS.
As always Street Fighter IV will be on tap but due to it being 2 player action, just leave your PSN name below if you feel like tussling with somebody. If you ask nicely I'll join you in a few matches and make it quick and painless for you. I'm nice like that. See you online gents. read more
[Blogger's Note: I originally wrote this post last Father's Day. I was going to write a new one for today but re-reading my initial one last year I came to the conclusion that really that post captured all I wanted to convey about fatherhood and this special day.]
I've been married for twelve years. I have had my ups and my downs within that time period with my wife but never have I thought to giving up on our relationship. It bore many fruits, many moments of joy and even some sadness, but above all it gave me my most treasured blessings of all. My children. I have three. Two boys and girl. My oldest son wants to be a vet when he grows up and loves animals. His younger brother wants to be a ninja. I told him being a ninja isn't the most practical thing to want to be but I don't think I'm dismaying him much. Finally the youngest, my daughter, wants to be the next Hannah Montana. She will sing at a drop of a dime. Anywhere. At the grocery store, in the van or even in class, which we had a chat about not doing that at school.
There are snippets of memories that flash occasionally when I'm talking to them or working on a school project now that burst through to the present and takes me back when they were just babies. Crying, waking my wife and I in the middle of the night. My wife and I playing rock, paper, scissors groggily at three in the morning to see who would get up. The spit ups over my just starched to perfection shirt and tie, the bottle feeding and the aroma of a fully loaded diaper. At the time I thought it was hell on earth. An undertaking that would break me, that would break my wife's constitution as well. The relationship took hits because of the children as well. I'm rather selfish so expecting my " me time " was a huge hurdle that took a serious commitment on my part.
No longer could I play my video games when ever I wanted to. No longer could I just go to my office and hide myself from the world. There's always something the kids may need at the time. From simpler affairs like getting them something to eat or drink to child proofing all the cabinets in the house. Some days were harder than others. Sometimes days were easier. But always there was work. Always something to do..clean up, to get, to soothe, to parent.
You would think so far from reading this: " Whoah, I ain't having kids" ..lol. Well, it is an undertaking that's for sure but the rewards have always been immeasurable. The first time they say " Daddy ". The first time they take their first wobbly steps before they land on their bottom. When you're dead tired in the middle of the night, rocking them to sleep and you fall in exhaustion on the couch with them and they fall asleep on your chest. Or the first time they say I love you to you.
This post is to all you dads, young and old, who are giving up playing that multiplayer session on Friday Night Fights because you're actually helping your significant other with the kids. This post is to all you men, who will occasionally be playing a video game with your kid on your lap while the old lady is away. I wont tell her. This is for you who don't feel either appreciated or frustrated working, earning a living, trying to make ends meet, juggling bills and yes making the tough call that you may have to pass on getting that new system or game for the betterment of your family.
Here's a toast to you. To the real men doing the hardest job there is, aside from being a mother, and that's being a father.
This is your day. Savor it. Enjoy the crappy tie, the ugly shirt, or for the lucky ones a video game and the homemade card done by your kids. But know it's not even about the present you may or may not get. It's the acknowledgment of a job well done.
Happy Father's Day, Gentlemen. I raise my hand with drink and salute you all. read more
Seems EA does want the money of PS3 owners even if Valve doesn't. Or maybe its a typo. What I do know is right now on the EA site they have it coming to the PS3. read more
Before I begin this rather rushed quick preview of sorts, I have two things to say... I never played Hulk: Ultimate Destruction. and I will not compare this game to any other that may seem vaguely similar out right now. I really don't know where to begin this because this game is, in my humble opinion, made for a particular gamer in mind, the homicidal video gamer who wants to unleash as much chaos and violence in a game world as humanly possible and more. Unfortunately that type of gamer is me. This preview because of that will be drenched with bias that could probably drown whales.
To put it simply, this is the type of game that I prayed to the gaming gods to make when I first started to really get into video games. And to be honest a few times I thought those very same gaming gods delivered on my prayers of a no holds barred violent playground with games like the Grand Theft Autos and the darker cousin to that series Manhunt. What the sum of these two paragraphs before you are getting at is Prototype quite simply is beyond fucking awesome.
If you don't know what this game is about yet I'll just insert here what's on the back of the box:
You are Alex Mercer, the PROTOTYPE, the ultimate shape-shifting weapon. With no memory and no mercy, hunt your way to the heart of the conspiracy which created you, making those responsible pay!
Yeah doesn't sound like a very original or deep storyline but lets not kid ourselves here, if you're picking this up for a moving story of some kind you're doing it wrong. The story is merely there to facilitate the unapologetic violence that you're about to unleash and in that context it works beautifully. Revenge is always a great vehicle for wanton destruction and mayhem from movies, to books all the way back to video games. Revenge is like an invisible sword cutting away your inhibitions and morality to justify the participation of those darker deeds bubbling below your skin.
Darker deeds that you're going to love to unleash in this game. Lets see what can you do? You can transform your limbs to hammers, claws, spear looking blades that can carve pedestrians and all who get in your way in half or halves. Blood will flow in the air. Dead bodies will litter the streets. You can pick up cars and throw them at attack choppers. Of course doing an elbow drop from high in the air on a tank is there. You can absorb people and their memories and become them physically. You can run up buildings like Spiderman on speed. You're a force of fucking nature. The sense of being a badass is all encompassing. I thought the latest Wolverine game you were a badass. This game makes that game look like a prototype.
In the first fifteen minutes of the game everything I described to you above you do... back to back to back. I can nitpick this game for minuscule flaws here and there. But really that only goes to show you no game is perfect. I'm not on payroll to do reviews. I'll let the official reviewers tell you about those slight issues. What I will tell you is that minor things aside this is the most honest to goodness FUN I had in a while being loco killing EVERYTHING in sight. If you're the type of gamer who loves to plop down on your comfy sofa, drink a few cold brews and release your stress filled day with a violent bloody romp of a game, you may find Prototype not only fits the bill but takes it to another level. read more
I think I've arrived at a crossroad in my gaming life. One that I have slowly been traveling to. The final destination which even I wasn't privy to until just recently when the telling signs up ahead gave me pause as I tried to look for an alternate course, like a man lost on a road trip and inevitably stopping at a local gas station for directions. I hate to say this but the once enticing genre of FPS has become less and less appealing to me.
Sad but true. I almost feel like I need to turn in my imaginary Hardcore Gamer's License for even uttering such a thing out loud yet it can't be helped. This isn't coming from a bloke who hates or is indifferent to shooters either. I have always had a love and fascination for them. Some of my favorite games have been FPS, as seen above in the collage I whipped up for this post. I just have slowly become disenchanted with them. It seems recent generations of console libraries are overflowing with them and still more are being made to add to the massive inflation of them.
I'm not saying they are all garbage because that is not the case but for every quality game like Halo or Team Fortress 2 you'll have more mediocre affairs like Haze and Blacksite: Area 51 jostling for more position in the marketplace. But even the good ones to me are getting stale. Surely I can't be the only one that feels this way as more and more game developers are creating in-game incentives ala perks, customizable characters, clans,and what not to get you to do the same action over and over again... shoot something or someone dead.
While reading Jim'spieces on the concerns of many Left for Dead players of the too soon upcoming sequel, a quote from a Dtoider sprang forth and made me think. Part of the quote was this:
"I feel that there isn't enough change in gameplay to warrant a full sequel to L4F. The tiny amount of new features in L4D2 could have easily been at least a paid DLC, and the first one could alway-..."
What I immediately thought, aside from the brouhaha created in Jim's posts was, can't you say that about every popular FPS, its sequels and/or its inevitable clones ? Perhaps my age is dulling my killer instincts, making me look for something else to gauge my skills, aside from who can turn around the corner and is able to pull the trigger quicker first. Or who can yield that elusive ribbon or armor before their fellow friend. It's just starting to be the same for me. Maybe all of these shooters may not be looking the same but they're beginning to feel the same to me.
I think that's why I've been playing RPGs lately non-stop. It seems I may finally beat Persona 3 by the end of this month yet. inFamous has finally saw play from me and I still can't get enough of Scared2. I hate to say this again but I have come to the conclusion that I'm tired of shooting people dead.
Anybody up to play Street Fighter or Burnout with me? read more
Its Friday gentlemen and that means only one thing... Destructoid's PS3 Friday Night Fights!! This is going to be short & sweet. For those who don't know the deal this is where Dtoiders get together for online fisticuffs with one another and have a blast fighting,racing, shooting with one another or against each other for shit talking rights as well as for some good all around fun.
Haven't joined us yet? Been lurking in these posts thinking: Maybe next time? Well next time is now. Join in the festivities. We promise not to bite, well I don't know about Sadistic but we I can vouch for the rest. All you have to do is look for the hosts below and join their online games or send them a PM. Don't be scared to send them a friend request. They'll accept. Just tell them you're from Dtoid and tell them you're a hot horny girl. That will usually do the trick.
Now to our rotation of games and times!
8PM EST & After the KILLZONE CLAN MATCH: Red Faction Demo Host: JackOfNoTrades (PSN: JackOfNoTrades85)
It all starts with Red Faction Guerilla Multiplay. Jack is hosting a little ostrich hammer action. So if you managed to snag the game, join in. Jack loves this game. Jack loves this game more than his woman. I hear before he plays this game he liberally applies lubricant to parts you don't want to know about. The man even wrote a blog about this game and how he loves to blow shit up. If blowing shit up is your bag ( and who doesn't like to do that? ) then join Jack and Co. on the mayhem and destruction that is Red Faction.
9PM EST or Earlier:Killzone 2 Pre-match warm up and 11PM CLAN BATTLE: Host: IronPikeman (PSN: IronPikeman)
IronPikeman is still covering for Takeshi, who's still out of commission. Tonight's pre-match warmup will be hosting by him. Join the fray and answer the elusive FNF question: Will Trev ever stop hiding like a little girl in Killzone 2? I think I know the answer already. Once the warm up is complete then join as Team Alpha and Team BETA go at head to head. The last time Alpha barely won...this time Beta will crush them.
12PM EST: SOCOM: Confrontation Hosts: Y0j1mb0 (PSN: k0wb0y-b33b0p)
This is a 100% GO. I'm calling on all SOCOM clan members tonight to bring their asses to the frontlines. Its been a awhile since I played this game and I'm in the mood to smoke some fools. I'm calling you all out tonight: Daxelman, Trev, AJ, Primo, DeanR, Syckness, IronPikeman, Solgrim, Jay, naib, and anybody else who I forgot to include. LETS DO THIS TONIGHT SOLDIERS.
As always Street Fighter IV will be on tap but due to it being 2 player action, just leave your PSN name below if you feel like tussling with somebody. If you ask nicely I'll join you in a few matches and make it quick and painless for you. I'm nice like that. See you online gents. read more
While game shopping yesterday I noticed a few games that if you don't have in your collection yet, you may want to reconsider including them because of recent price drops. Below I have listed four of them and where you can find them at the new price.
Now if you were to peruse Walmart's website they have both of these games at full price. BUT if you were to go the the actual store, its a different story. Ratchet & Clank was a must buy game for the PS3 before as it was a fantastic game that begged to played by all. If for whatever reason you haven't picked it up, now is your chance. For 30 bucks this is ready for you to show it some love. The Singstar Bundle on the other hand is a great way to make an ass of yourself in music video form for those drunken shenanigans and at 19.99 you can save money for more beer.
Over at Gamestop we got Disgaea 3 and Star Wars Unleashed for 30 bucks. Cheaper if you get them used. Disgaea 3 will only be at that cheaper price till June 10th. Again if you don't have this game, its a STEAL at that price. GET THIS GAME as it rocks. Plus I noticed its getting hard to find. This isn't surprising as its a NIS game. Star Wars Unleashed for 30 bucks is quite appealing as well.
Ask a kid what he wants to be when he grows up and chances are you'll find the usual suspects come into play. Firemen, policemen, princesses, the hot at the time superhero, but what wont generally make an appearance is actor or movie star. I have a theory why. The reason being is when you're young that vocation really doesn't have an appeal, hell it might not even register in the youth's head what all it entails. The luster and allure of being a thespian with all the accolades that come with it only entice the teens and older crowd. It is to them that its songs of fame and fortune are the loudest. It can be said, at one point or another no matter how skilled or not skilled, no matter how attractive or not attractive, we've all contemplated being in front of a camera.
Fantasies of adoring fans swooning to our visage on film or pixelated videos is the stuff dreams are made of to many. I just kinda wish it wasn't to video game bloggers. We already get thrown a slew of labels our ways: nerds, geeks, losers and pedophiles, must we also be labeled egotistical hams? Let me explain why I think video blogs need to die a horrible death in a fire before they destroy our game blogging way of life.
Perhaps that last line in the paragraph above is a bit melodramatic but for me, this habit of just slapping a video up on a blog or a post and calling it a day is rubbish. Don't get me wrong, I like looking at a game trailer or gameplay video like the next gamer but do I really need to have a blogger on camera clumsily tell me his impressions, thoughts or reviews of a game? I'm thinking I'm going to be in the minority here but I'd rather read these things than looking at some badly lit, horrible sounding video with amateurish cuts and the participants involved in it, trying to be hip or cool or show us his new haircut.
See the thing is this. I read about game news and all that comes with it to be better informed. Not to look at you no matter how pretty you are. It looks like everyone nowadays with a camera wants to be a personality instead of just blogging or writing about the game beat. Seems like laziness. If you can write about it, is there a real need to get in front of a camera and tell us about it, aside from injecting a whole slew of "Umms" and showing us your mug? Are bloggers that egotistical now? Look at most game sites and these vblogs are on the rise. I know this is the internets and we are supposedly a You Tube Nation but its a change I'm not welcoming much.
You may think of me as a wet blanket because I don't love these vblogs and perhaps I am. I mean sure I'm curious as to what some of these writers or bloggers look like and act like in the real world but to me it falls back to their writing. I am only interested seeing them in a new light because of their writing. Lets not quit our day jobs here gents and hire an agent. Again I believe I'll fall way into the minority here because I loath them and don't bother with them half the time.
I especially hate reading a post and then have to continue the rest of the piece in a video. I think its cause I'm an old dude. I genuinely love/prefer the written word over some zany video that usually isn't that zany. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of these vblogs that can be entertaining and funny when that's what they set out to do and highlight it as such. But these many many others that are there to inadequately take the place of the written word are just plain... bollocks. read more
Persona 3 :FES
Persona 4
Sacred 2: Fallen Angel
Dead Space
Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaro's Treasure
Killzone 2.
Street Fighter IV.
Valkyria Chronicles.
SOCOM:Confrontation.
Flower.
Left4Dead.
Shadowrun.
Ico.
Shadow of Colossus.
Crimson Skies.
Crackdown.
Gunvalkyre.
Jet Force Gemini.
Pikmin Series.
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.
Metal Gear Solid Series.
NFL 2k5.
The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker.
Otogi.
Front Mission 3.
Panzar Dragoon Orta.
Marvel vs. Capcom 2.
Metal Slug Series.
Virtua Fighter 5.
Indigo Prophecy.
Dig Dug.
Mario Kart DS.
Advance Wars Series.
Tobal #2.
Animal Crossing.
Tecmo's Deception.
Manhunt.
Deathrow.
Deus Ex.
Street Fighter 2.
Half Life 2.
Dead Rising.
Things off the Blog I do. Once every month I review two movies. Generally obscure, cult classics or off the radar flicks that need to be seen by all.
The New Movie Reviews are in the works as soon as I get off my procrastinating ass and do them.
Past Movie Recommendations:
Gangster No 1 Zatoichi The Blindswordsman Glengarry Glenn Ross Oldboy A History of Violence Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer The Seven Samurai High Tension Brazil Jacob's Ladder Frailty Unbreakable Man Bites Dog City of God
Epic Card Courtesy of The Ghost.
A Rant On Religion:
Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?
You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:
About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.
Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.
Let's start with the first three:
I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN
THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH
Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:
HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER
Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.
Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL
THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS
Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.
And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:
THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE
Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.
But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS
This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:
THOU SHALT NOT KILL
Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:
Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.
&
Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.
Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
GEORGE CARLIN ON THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
from "Complaints and Grievances"
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