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9:45 PM on 04.05.2010

Chocolate/Vanilla Vanilla/Chocolate: To RonBurgandy2010 With Love Edition

A while back (on my birthday no less) my good friend RonBurgandy2010 demanded I make a new mash-up blog. ya go.

1. Walk Close To Me

Artist: The Bangles vs. The Cure

Let's start things off smooth shall we? I love this mash-up. It never ceases in making me feel good all over and even better you can't really ask for much better quality.


2. Sandopolis Inc.

Artist: Gorillaz vs. Hiroshi Kubota

I never saw this coming in a million years. The first time I wasn't too impressed but it really has grown on me. Especially after Plastic Beach came out and I started drawing similarities to the the 16-bit tunes of Sonic and the crew with the direction Plastic Beach went into.


3. Get It On My Mind

Artist: Marvin Gaye vs. The Pixies

How can you not like this!? I swear! Okay, so maybe the quality if a little iffy and the drums are a little awkward but it just sounds so good and infectious. This is another that I hated, mainly because the sound quality is so bleh, but I braced it once and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.


4. Back to Life

Artist: Amy Winehouse vs. Stevie Wonder

Oh, Amy Winehouse. I'm so legitimately scared of you, yet I admire you so. And there's another guy in this mash-up too. He's okay too, I guess. Seriously, though this mash-up is awesome. Back to Black has been put to a lot of blues and old R&B but for my money this is the best thus far.


5. Go It Alone Mercedes

Artist: Beck vs. Janis Joplin

You read that right. A mash-up with Janis F. Joplin. You're welcome.


6. Somebody Told Me Hollaback

Artist: The Killers vs. Gwen Stefani

Wow, how did this slip past the DJ Hero Hollaback Girl lovefest? It's actually really good. Apart the songs are okay but together I can learn to love them both.

Njuta av:

7. Shout "I'm Not Your Toy"

Artist: La Roux vs. Tears for Fears

I was soo close to featuring this the first time and now here it is. Some people say La Roux sounds 80s-ish. I still don't see it.


8. The Good, The Bad, Erase, Rewind

Artist: The Cardigans vs. Ennio Morricone

This mix is a bit subtle (if you ask me, others have said different) but I think it really works well.


9. 99 Scar Tissue Problems

Artist: Jay-Z vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers

First I will put the rumours to rest. Yes, I like Jay-Z. Not all of Jay-Z but a lot of his songs definitely stick out in mainstream hip-hop even if the radio tries to kill them by playing them every other song. I urge everyone though to give this mash-up a listen. It's such a clean mash-up with some high caliber quality as well.


10. I'm Only Happy In The Ring

Artist: Garbage vs.Jurassic 5

Why is it that every time J5 get remixed with something I never know what J5 song it is? Aw, fuck it. Garbage gets a lot of mash-up action but in my opinion it usually has very bad results. I can't tell you the number of times I've heard bad I Think I'm Paranoid mash-ups. This one I think ispretty damn good though. It's certainly not as unique or special as a good mash-up can be but I like it.


Bonus track: The Joker's 21 Guns

Artist: Steve Miller Band vs. Green Day

Let's go out on a good note. Not a big fan of either band but it sounds too good to ignore.

In joi:

The best thing about the last track? You can download it right from the player. I might actually start using that player next time I do a mash-up blog.   read

7:59 PM on 03.22.2010

The Greatest Awful Film; Or The Film That Taught Me How To Love: Gracie's Choice

There comes a time in every human being's life when everything is changed radically. Everything you ever once knew has been blown into bits, the bits have been smashed into dust, the dust particles have been radiated into oblivion, and what now stands before you is a beautiful work of art. A painting painted with the brush strokes of brillance and the paints of epiphany. You never really know what it is that will set off this chain of events. It could be something as somber as the death of a loved one, as dangerous and brutal as a violent act thrusted upon you, or as moving and captivating as knowing you've found your true love. And of course all that lies in between. It can happen as a child, a teen, an adult, even as a babe. It can happen anywhere as well. On a bus, in your home, in your dreams, in a crowd, or all alone. For a second, for an hour, for years, or for a lifetime. Somewhere, someplace, somehow, your life will change forever.

That day, for me, was today. At 12:00 PM on the dot, in the San Jacinto building of the downtown Houston Community College campus Rm. 327 where I watched, nay experienced, the cinematic epic Gracie's Choice.

Not unlike Mr. Sterling's obsession with Deadly Premonition Gracie's Choice is a film so incredibly bad it's fucking adorable. However unlike Deadly Premonition Gracie's Choice totally expects you take it seriously which is just makes it that much more absurd. I'm getting ahead of myself though.

Gracie's Choice is a Lifetime original movie which should already preface how low budget this film is. And like most Lifetime movie's it stars a respected actress long before she actually deserved it. Enter, playing the role of main character Gracie Thompson, Kristen Bell. Bell stars alongside a laundry list of actors and actresses who I can't really say are "bad" but I can definitely say certainly aren't trying. In every "emotional" scene all I could see in the expressions on their faces were "I'm not getting paid nearly enough for this farce." Bell is accompanied by several B-level actors (and people who I swear they just picked off the street) including Shedrack Anderson III of Hook fame, and that chick from that terrible 90s flick we like to pretend was memorable I Know What You Did Last Summer, Anne Heche as the mother. I can say this much about the cast though: everybody is smokin' hot. Seriously I think the casting director easily said "Screw it. Just hire whoever's hot," because with maybe the exception of Grandma and the kids (the kids are cute but I'm not a pedo) I'd probably do everybody in this movie. Fuckin' A!

10/10 for eye candy.

The actually plot of the movie is simple enough Lifetime fodder with a twist. The movie follows the true life story of Gracie (names have been changed) as she fights to keep her brothers and sisters together while protecting them from the dangers her drug addict mother brings into their lives. Eeventually the mother is jailed and it's up to Gracie to raise her little brothers and sisters all while juggling grades, a job, and the heart of her love interest Tommy. Of course Gracie is a independent womenz so she can do anything, and everything, at the some time. Probably while performing heart surgery too. Oh, and the twist? FUCKING EVERYBODY IN THIS MOVIE IS EVIL! With the exception of Gracie and the kids everybody in this film is a bitch out to ruin Gracie. I'm not gonna ruin any plot twist (and there are some...okay one) but everybody in this movie is fucking evil. It's like the writers took the "All men are evil," template Lifetime gave them and cranked it up to 11. This movie is proof that nobody can be trusted. Not even Grandma!

One of these people is an ass. The answer? ALL OF THEM!

The actual writing of the movie is pretty cheesy as well. Every once in a while you get a good burn but really it's just a lot of overly dramatic bullshit. I swear this movie is so poorly acted and so unneccessarily intense you will punch all of your loved ones before the credits roll. From beginning to end there's nothing but girls crying, girls screaming, girls beating up each other, girls calling each other names, I never knew there was so much tension in the female jungle! Everything is a moment with these ladies! Is life supposed to be this dramatic!? Clearly I'm doing it wrong!

Which isn't to say the script writing doesn't have it's holes to let the light shine through which is one of the reasons I love it. When the script shines it shines. Some of those one liners? Classy as fuck.

Example: Rowena [mother]: I should send you to hell! | Gracie: I was born in hell!


Almost everything about Gracie's Choice glows F-A-I-L. The acting (especially), the music, the writing everything. So why do I love it? I don't know! It's just so bad it's good and as it continues to dig itself deeper and deeper I love it more and more. As Gracie and her love interest grow closer and the lines get more and more teeth grinding the more I want to watch to see just how bad it can truly get.

Before you ask; yes. Every adult male in this movie does is in fact a sex driven douche.

Which isn't to say it doesn't have it's positives. If you've ever taken a film analysis class you will finally find a film worth your analytical eye. There is a ton of symbolism, alliteration, and foreshadowing in this movie. At least one of these writers was trying to make a good movie because the literary techniques are excellent. For example, a constant theme throughout the movie is an affinity for stray animals both dogs and cats. It's obvious the animals represent the children, never painfully obvious, but always playfully obvious. They sneak little bits in that hint at it. For example when Gracie and her little sister are talking about the abuse they've been through they mention the abuse one of the dogs they leave behind in the beginning of the film had been through at the hands of one of their former fathers. It's not a segue though. It's kind of just thrown at you in the blink of an eye. Little bits of literary techniques like that actually make the film really fucking cool. Whoever put that stuff in there is a genious and almost carried anything positive the movie has going for it all by themselves.

And the movie does mix things up I have to say. In between all the drama are happy moments that really will put a smile on your face and halfway through you have to be a real heartless bitch to not be rotting for Gracie. I don't know why but I found myself totally into it. Maybe it's me but I was captivated.

Seriously the best predictable ending ever.

All in all Gracie's Choice is a terrible, terrible, terrible, movie even by Lifetime movie standards. The acting will frustrate you, the writing will haunt you, the plot will make a mockery of your intelligence, and the environment the film puts on will jerk your heart from depression to joy and back down again with no in bewteen. It will rape your idea of how bad a movie can be and the only thing that will keep your eyes from bleeding is that Kristen Bell is actually pretty hot (short hair FTW).

And somehow in the midst of all this I found myself loving every second of it. The film, unlike most good bad movies, actually does take itself seriously but that doesn't ruin it somehow and for that I applaud whoever the hell directed this wonderfully polished turd of a film. If you enjoy lovably terrible movies, can laugh off exagerrated drama and crying women, and you're a sucker for film analysis this film is right up your alley. It's a niche audience for sure but it's a rabid audience nonetheless.

The movie cut up in parts on YouTube.   read

9:51 PM on 03.20.2010

The PAX East Contest Entry That Wasn't: A Journalism Song

Hey oh! So remember that PAX East contest we had? Man, I had epic plans for that. For cocktease purposes I'm not gonna go into detail but I did write a song, and I did collaborate with one RenegadePanda, and I did promise to post the remnants of that failed project right here.

It's an okay song, I think there's a hiccup in the guitar work around the third chorus. I used my little brothers guitar and mini-amp which didn't have nearly the quality I wanted but it did okay. No real complex or rich sounds but it's quick and got the job done.

The real reason I'm uploading it is because Panda's artwork is brilliant as always. Funny, smart without being self-indulgent, and full of fun little details. Keep doin' whatchu do Panda.


The story is basically technology refused to work with me. I had borrowed a camera which stopped reading SD cards and my cell phone was being really buggy whenever I tried to upload the video. It's pretty much in line with my history with technology.   read

2:13 PM on 03.16.2010

Happy Birthday Niero & Destructoid!

What kind of loyal DToid community member would I be if I didn't show some birthday love?

Unlike a lot of the really well known DToiders I actually haven't been here that long. I've known about DToid for about 2 years. I made my first post last July and I officially considered myself a "member" in October when I began blogging fo' realz. However in that time I've managed to make some really good friends here, have some ridiculously awesome conversations, and generally found myself enjoying video games again.

When I joined Destructoid it was because I wanted to get back into the hobby I left almost 6 years ago. DToid has made the process of getting back in even more memorable then when I first got into gaming in the first place. Seriously all of you guys, all of the editors included, have made me feel so welcomed I really can't imagine myself anywhere else.

Thank you all you sexy studs and studesses! Happy 4th Destructoid! All you bitches is timeless!

And now a question I've been wanting answered forever:


2:53 PM on 03.12.2010

Final Fantasy fans boo chance to win free 360 bundle

Now I don't normally news post, and I am quite enjoying watching Memetoid, but I thought this why the hell not?


From Kotaku:
"At the big Final Fantasy XIII launch at the HMV store in London, fans show their disapproval of the prospect of winning a free Xbox 360 bundle. Really guys?

Gary from The Koalition was on hand at the big London Final Fantasy launch, where hardcore Final Fantasy fans nearly booed presenter Alex Zane off the stage as he announced a prize that, in my opinion at least, anyone would be happy to receive.

Is a multi-platform Final Fantasy really that bad?

I mean hell, Square Enix has been working on the game for what, five years? When you put that much time, effort, and money into one game, you have every right to release it on as many platforms as humanly possible. I suppose you have the right to boo the company's decision, but treating it as some sort of betrayal is just silly."

From the original source The Koalition:
"This past Tuesday I was present at the Final Fantasy XIII launch party in London Oxford Circus, in which the producer Yoshinori Kitase and art director Isamu Kamikokuryo were present. Before the signings were held from the producer and art director, they held a competition on stage. When the presenter Alex Zane announced that the prize was an Xbox 360 Final Fantasy bundle, the whole crowd erupted with boo’s. Keep in mind that the crowd was full of nothing but hardcore Final Fantasy fans."



7:12 PM on 03.05.2010

I Review Them In Stereo: Tourist History, Tunng, but no Gorillaz...

I Review Them In Stereo is a feature where I review albums, typically new releases, sometimes oldies, not many compilations, across just about any genre you can name.

Album: Tourist History
Artist: Two Door Cinema Club
Label: Kitsune Music (Europe), Glassnote Records (US)
Released: February 26, 2010 (Ireland), March 1, 2010 (UK), TBD Spring (US)
Genre: Indie
*Sub-genres Electropop, Indie pop, New rave
Sounds like: Owl City, early New Young Pony Club

Tourist History is one of those albums that has been catching more and more steam as it’s come down the pipeline. Magazines, polls, and blogs have been hyping it up, snazzy music videos have been making their way around the web, and it seemed like the boys from Ireland who call themselves Two Door Cinema Club may be joining the ranks of Franz Ferdinand in electropop glory.

Before we address that we have to get to the nitty gritty first. Tourist History is not the most challenging album in the world. It doesn’t ask you to join it on a symphony of grandeur. The 30-minute long album is composed entirely of quick tracks that play it safe. You’ve got your indie guitar, your catchy bass, your heavy drums, synth, and your high pitched singer. There’s really not much more to elaborate on. That’s the first thing I personally noticed. The tracks were blazing by in pretty rapid pace. It doesn’t work against the album at all but I can see how it could be easily criticized as lazy.

The actual composition of every track is also pretty by the books. You’re not gonna find many complicated hooks or layers here. What you are gonna find is a hell of a lot of atmosphere and personality crammed into every song. Say what you will about these snippets of music but they are composed extremely well. While some tracks do bog themselves down with repetition the sound is very electropop and the occasional tempo break is made all the more memorable for it.

The biggest fault of the album is the lyrical content and it gave me quite a few chuckles. They’re just really cheesy. They don’t say much and frankly they’re not remotely good. I mean not even passable for pop. I facepalmed quite a few times. Granted on an album like this lyrical content is not the biggest selling point but it’s hard to ignore the lyrics when your singer is trying so hard to deliver the message of your music.

However the music is delivered pretty well. Overall the album succeeds at what it tries to do. My problem is it only succeeds at that. It doesn’t really deliver much more than Saturday night background noise. I can’t think of anyone who I would recommend it to as an album to just sit in your car and jam to. It’s a decent enough album but it just can’t serve up the musical gold like Ferdinand or NYPC. It is a shame too because the hype was really behind it if that’s your scene.

Personal favorite tracks: Come Back Home, Do You Want It All, Undercover Martyn

Summary for lazy people: A lot of hype for a mediocre album with decent composition but little ambition.

Album: …And Then We Saw Land
Artist: Tunng
Label: Full Time Hobby (UK)
Released: March 1, 2010 (UK)
Genre: Folk
*Sub-genres Folktronica
Sounds like: Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack, Simon & Garfunkel, Bat for Lashes

This week I was biting at the bit for some good music. After the disappointment that was Tourist History I began looking around for something to lift my spirits and keep me occupied until next week’s onslaught of amazing albums. In my search I found Tunng’s latest release, …And Then We Saw Land.

First things first, as always, we’re gonna delve into first impressions. The first track, Hustle, is probably the most appropriate opening track I have heard for any album in a long time. It perfectly sets the mood for the entire album with an incredible array of strings, synth, African percussion, and a choir of smooth voices that paint a wonderful palette of emotions. Words cannot express how good I felt about the rest of the album after hearing that first track. That’s one of the first things I noticed.

Every individual track on the album is composed just as well as the first with special usage of electronica elements sprinkled in to add an extra bit of kick to each song. It really helps bring out a unique flavor in every track and doesn’t ever feel unnecessary or overplayed like some electronic experiments do. That’s something I have to commend the artists for doing in particular. In an album like Couples by The Long Blondes for example the group, in my opinion, often fell into the trap of using special electronica elements where the typical four-man rock setup would’ve done just fine. The result was they would drown their fantastic pop style with pointless bits of fluff. It was like having a delicious basket of fries with just a little too much salt. What Tunng does to their advantage with their special brand of folk is they make it so the sounds are so subtle, and yet so flavorful, that it’s difficult to imagine the songs without those little synth or loop bits. It’s such a tiny detail with such a powerful effect.

Helping to make an already incredible album all the better, the lyrics of Tunng are the stuff poets dream of. Here’s a taste:

A trick of the light, a turn of the tide
A rift in a valley, full moon in July
Red summer sun mourning, a cold April sky,
That lonely October, so cruel to deny.

A Wish for a fountain lost in the wind
A kick from a new life about to begin
A south facing island that floods in the spring
Will call to October new life, it will bring

Every track on …And Then We Saw Land is filled with this beautiful poetry. The imagery, allegory, and drama that each piece brings with it reminds folk listeners why they enjoy the genre to begin with. Even if the music doesn’t interest you I cannot imagine anyone who could read some of these lyrics and not be impressed at the least.

So finally does the album do justice to the parts that construct it? Yes. A boldfaced yes. Tunng’s …And Then We Saw Land recaptures one of the great lost arts of music: consistency. The album is consistently taking you on new journeys without tugging you around or demanding some harsh change of pace. However it isn’t repetitive either. Like any journey the album is full of tempo changes and sound changes that recapture your attention every time. With this consistency behind it’s already magnificent composition and a strong presentation Tunng’s …And Then We Saw Land cannot do wrong to anyone who will appreciate it.

Personal favorite tracks: October, With Wiskey, These Winds

Summary for lazy people: A consistently beautiful piece of art. I’d go so far as to say one of the best albums of this year.


Plastic Beach needs to hurry it's ass up. Happy Friday everyone!   read

3:46 PM on 02.26.2010

I Review Them In Stereo: Have One On Me by Joanna Newsom

I Review Them In Stereo is a feature where I review albums, typically new releases, sometimes oldies, not many compilations, across just about any genre you can name. In a perfect world I can gather a team large enough to make it an entirely seperate community feature with it's own blog. If you've got music know how, decent writing skills, and think you can regularly contribute PM me.

Album: Have One On Me
Artist: Joanna Newsom
Label: Drag City
Released: February 23, 2010
Genre: Folk
*Sub-genres Avant-garde, Baroque pop
Sounds like: early Regina Spektor, acoustic Sarah Brightman, Joan Baez

If you like folk, and female falsetto doesn't phase you, buy Joanna Newsom's Have One On Me right now. Don't continue reading; just do it. You will not be disappointed. However if you're into folk chances are you already know Ms. Newsom and I'm preaching to the choir.

When I picked up this ambitious album I had no idea what to expect. I knew it was a folk album and that was about it. I had never heard Ms. Newsom before and I can not express my shock when I first popped the CD in my car. For anyone who doesn't know Ms. Newsom the first thing that will probably catch you is her voice which has been described as "untrained," and "child-like." It is a very high falsetto that at first sounds operatic like that of Sarah Brightman (of Repo! The Genetic Opera fame) but suddenly, however gently, drops into an unprofessional yell that reminded me of Regina Spektor; specifically her performance on her third official album Soviet Kitsch. Her voice is probably what will put some off and put some on. For myself it took some getting used to. It's not that it's a bad voice it's just that it's a very...different voice. Especially in comparison to the typical female voices of the 21st century it takes a special ear to really appreciate.

Her voice, whatever your opinion, does not detract from the instrumental compisition which brings me to the hardest part of my review. Ms. Newsom uses very unconventional methods in her music. She often strays away from mainstream methods in her music which can almost be described as completely foreign in some respects. I don't want to paint the picture that the album Have One On Me is experimental howver. Certainly not. It's par for the course in folk or baroque but that still doesn't make it "normal." Have One On Me draws heavy inspiration from traditional Celtic, orchestral, and Appalachian sounds while using polyrhythms (multiple rhythyms layered on top of each other) to create some serious "What the fuck was that?" moments. One fine example of this can be heard on the track Esme where Newsom composes a beautiful array of strings including harp, banjo, and cello alongside percussions to create a song that dips into a wide range of unique flavors and textures.

Of course we can't review a folk album without looking extensively at the lyrical content. The lyrics, while not disappointing at all, are perhaps the weakest point of an otherwise perfect and daring album. Songs like '81, a song I interpreted to be a play on the subject of man destroying nature, do accomplish what they achieve but they seem to do only that. I felt like the lyrics never went as far as Newsom could've taken it. They lacked imagery, personality, and with Newsom's voice and instrumental compisition I really felt like she could've taken truly brilliant lyrics to a new plane. In my opinion she lacks the poetic finese of her folk sister, Regina Spektor (an inevitable comparison). It's not all negative however. Jackrabbits and Soft As Chalk are two songs whose lyrical content is breathtaking but on a 2 hour album that just doesn't mean much.

Oh yeah you read right. 2 hours. Continuing the pattern of breaking from the common mold Ms. Newsom packs her latest release with 124 minutes of pure hipster goodness. The risk pays off however because if you find yourself enjoying one track you'll want to squeeze every bit of goodness out of the other 17. Newsom never lets you down through the entire album keeping things fresh and interesting for the folk fan.

Overall, I would declare the album an ambitious triumph. It might not be for everyone but it surely doesn't let down it's audience. Newsom's voice is hypnotic and her compisition is a perfect example of how to keep the acoustic sound interesting and fresh without being ridiculous or pretentious. I would highly recommend Joanna Newsom's Have One On Me to anyone with a taste for beautiful acoustic folk or anyone with an open mind looking for something new.

Personal favorite tracks: Soft As Chalk, Have One On Me, '81

Summary for lazy people: Great if you're into folk. Maybe not for others.   read

3:25 PM on 02.15.2010

Jim's Heavy Rain review, Criticosm, and why you can't review the reviewer...

I know, I know.

This isn't a music blog. What the fuck Xzyliac?

Well in between listening to music you might want to know that I'm actually trying to get a journalism degree. Yes I write things other than list in various places across the internet and in paper. So in the spirit of schweet, schweet, journalism I've done some investigating. And I am angry.

If you haven't heard (and you have) resident Britain Jim Sterling reviewed Heavy Rain and people were not happy. The score? A 7. What's a 7 here on Destructoid?

Score: 7.0 -- Good (7s are solid games that definitely have an audience. Might lack replay value, could be too short or there are some hard-to-ignore faults, but the experience is fun.)

Nevermind the actual content of the review. Nevermind that the summary ends with "the experience is fun." Fact is it's not a 10 and Jim Sterling is biased because I said so because I disagree.

And of course you have the 596 comments which are entertaining as always but what is most interesting is what one user Cinda spammed us for. A little site called Criticosm. Criticosm is a site, mostly community run, that allows users to "critique the critics." Now I always thought that's what comments did but apparently some group decided that that's not enough. Apparently running a small site no one has ever heard of will get the point across much clearer so that critics can stop ruining reviews with their disgusting opinions and start saying what we want while slowly petting our heads to reassure us everything is okay. This way our opinions are right and we have been justified.

I went in to investigate.

Within hours of posting the link Criticosm didn't even have Heavy Rain in their database. By that evening it was up with one review from some dude. By the next day Jim's was up and the disapproving numbers came in by the buckets. Curious I started an account and just to see how many people really use this thing I gave Jim a big ol' 10 to see how long until that balance was disrupted. 'Bout a week later the numbers have finally tipped in favor of the haters. Which is cool. I mean some nice constructive criticism of critics. Maybe things they could work on like how to see something from a different perspective. Let's see what we've got...

"Jim Sterling is one of, if not the worst, reviewer of video games on the internet. And many times he scores a game that he doesn't even finish playing. Halo Wars being the most recent one. He makes tabloid reporters look like Pulitzer prize winning journalists. His reviews reek with whatever biased agenda he pulls out of his ass that week. Any review he "writes" should come with an asterisk indicating that it should not be taken seriously."

If you can't tell by now I'm a big Sterling defender. Not because I agree with Jim but because Jim's done nothing to get the flack he gets from morons everyday. This little diddy from JimboSparkles (I give that name a 10 by the way)? I did a little digging and Sparkles was right. Jim did in fact review a game he didn't finish last year. And he apologized and he wrote a new review. "All the time," Mr. Sparkles? Surely you exageratre for the sake of whatever biased agenda you pulled out of your ass.

But surely there must be something constructive in here...

"Jim Sterling is doing [the] gaming industry a disservice. He obviously wants a steady diet of no-brainer cookie-cutter games that follow every conceivable cliche. When a new and innovative game like Heavy Rain comes up, which by the way happens very rarely, he kicks it in the shin, and when gaming companies evaluate financial performance, they are discouraged to try anything new and we get our next portion of bland and generic games ..."

Ummm...but Jim gave the game a good review. But I'll take the bait and educate Mr. Zx (if that is your real name). Innovative, and new, do not a good game make. I suppose Jim should apologize for not handing out brownie points based on how "new" or "fresh" or "innovative" or whatever bullshit buzzword you wanna pull out of your ass the game claims to be.

Let's try again...

"Another horrible Sterling review. Let's take a look at it. Jim says, "If you're interested in blowing up Nazis and looking at endless breasts, then you really want to check this out." Apparently Jim's a breast man. Jim says, "The opening cutscene seems forced and uninspired, attempting to explain the premise far too quickly and unbelievably." This isn't looking too good for The Saboteur. Jim says, "The climbing system in The Saboteur is actually quite well crafted. While getting up a building is not as fast as it is in parkour-based games like Assassin's Creed, it's easily the least frustrating and well-crafted climbing system I've ever seen." Things are looking up now. Jim says, "The climbing is a bit too slow and the stealth seems horribly broken..." Huh?!?!?! WTF??? Make up your mind dude! Jim says, "...the control is incredibly stiff in the game..." Not good. Jim says, "The game's automatic cover system is also rather loose and could do with some work there..." Not good either. Jim says, "...there are plenty of sexy ladies to keep things ticking as well." And the sexy ladies save the day and Jim gives The Saboteur an 8.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Priceless."

So we copypasta the bits of the review we find distasteful and use that too predict the score? M'kay. Let me try:

*"So why is Pandemic's The Saboteur so bloody good?"
*"The opening cutscene seems forced and uninspired, attempting to explain the premise far too quickly and unbelievably. However, the game's narrative swiftly becomes intriguing and finds its groove almost immediately after the first mission, helped along by the extremely likable Sean and his detestable nemesis, Kurt Dierker.
*"The climbing and the stealth are nice thoughts, but in practice they simply don't compare to kicking the door in and shooting everything in sight."
*"Despite its humble promotion, the lament that it was sent out to die, and the death of developer Pandemic, The Saboteur is a terrific experience deserving of more accolades and attention that it will ever receive. It looks terrific, it has a fun story with a wonderful main character, and addictive gameplay that allows you to explode Nazis again and again and again."

Wow. From my copypasta'd review it was heading to 9+ St. What does this prove? That you can copypasta a review bend it to your liking however you want. You can't use that as a basis for ANYTHING. That's bullshit Mr. Sparkles. In fact in a previous review above this one I'm pretty sure you blame Sterling for having an agenda. What the fuck is this right here? And this is all without even delving into the fact that you posted a review of Jim's Saboteur review in the Heavy Rain section.

I feel good about this one...

"Jim seems more interested in his own theater then actually reviewing the game."

This is up there on my list of big reasons why reviewing the reviewer is a bad idea. This guy isn't reviewing shit. He's making baseless claims because he just doesn't like Jim. That's not a review. That's a knee jerk reaction. That's some douche trying to justify why someone else might be of a different opinion than himself.

Cut me a break guys...

"Worst review I have ever read."

Again. Baseless claim. Umm....Pepsi. Worst cola I ever drank. According to Criticosm I just wrote a review.

And now the big issue with ALL of these is universal: not a single thing in here is written for constructive purposes to benefit the reviewer. Everything here is written to take a shit on the reviewer and call for his ultimate undoing. Why? Because they disagreed with the review. That is all. That is it. Because these "critics" decided prematurely that they loved this game that they've NEVER PLAYED and for that reason it should score the highest of the high.

Fact is if you're going to always cheer for the reviewers who agree with you you've defeated the point of the review. You might as well just buy whatever fucking game looks good to you (what a revolutionary concept) instead of sitting around hands sweating and chest beating for the approval of some guy on the other side of the internet.

Wait Xzyliac! You only pointed out the negative reviews for Jim on Criticosm.

Wrong! I pointed all but one of the reviews. That one I'll show you in a bit but I want to point out something. Something that should shock no one. Every review on that site that has scored higher than Jim's? Yeah those reviewers have NOTHING written about them. Absolutely nothing negative was said about those reviewers and to that same extent nothing positive was said about them either.

You wanna get a little paranoid? You wanna get a little dose of conspiracy in your ranting blog? Okay. I submitted a review to Criticosm that gave the exact same score Jim gave. A 7. For the little review snippet you see before clicking the link I submitted the most scathing part of the entire review. This part right here:

Because instead of eliminating the traditional evils of and excuses for video game storytelling, Heavy Rain simply repeats them in a classier-looking way. And despite its gloss, style, genuinely affecting moments and pervasively dense atmosphere – actually because of them – those failings become more obvious than they’ve ever been.
-David Houghton of GamesRadar

You want to know what score Criticosm gives Mr. Houghton? A little green N/A.

The absolute irony that the site to avoid bias is the site with a bias is pathetic. What's pathetic even more is this idea that there can even be a completely bias-less review because there can't be. If Criticosm is proof of anything it's that humans naturally form a bias. If you strip out bias you strip out opinion and at that point you might as well just decide whether you want to buy something based on the description on the back of the box.

Again a revolutionary concept for sure. Buying something because you want it without the approval of someone else. That takes about as much balls as it does to walk out your front door. Then again that may explain a lot.

Am I a Sterling defender? You bet your fucking ass I am. Where is the first comment I ever made here? It's on a Jim Sterling article. I remember like it was yesterday. How Microsoft ruined fun for everybody. I expected complete bullshit and what I got was a well written and well argued point that I disagreed with. So I can see where those who disagree with Sterling are coming from. I am on your fucking side. However there comes a point where you're just an anti-fanboy. You're just instantly against one person or thing for whatever stupid reason and nothing that person does or that thing has can be right in your eyes. I remember seeing bloody high school. When all the girls would find someone they'd just, like, ya know, not like because they didn't belong. If it wasn't the same music or ideals they'd consider it "wrong." Well wouldn't you know those pricks and cumwads have gotten into my videogames.

And my schweet, schweet, journalism.

In closing I'd like to leave with this wonderful piece someone wrote on Criticosm. I assume it was written by a fellow DToider but part of me hopes it wasn't just because that would be oh so sweet of them.

Jim Sterling is fat and therefore wrong about everything. He is stupid because he gave assassin's creed a low mark when it was clearly a good game. Also, he has bias against playstation. I give this review the lowest concievable score known to man, a 7/10.


7:27 PM on 02.14.2010

The Loved, The Loveless, and The Misunderstood: A Valentines Day Music Blog

Oh Valentines Day. Some people hate it, some people love it, some people love to hate it, but no matter what camp you're in you're not alone. Fact is half the fun of Valentines Day is how much fun it is to talk about Valentines Day. Do you hate it? Write a hilarious blog! All of the fellow haters will flock and we'll all have a jolly good time! Do you love it? Write a romantic blog about it! We'll all flock and go ga ga for you!

In the love business (, before breaking everything down, you have three camps. The Loved, The Loveless, and The Misunderstood. No matter who you are there's a lovely batch of tunes for this day of love and heartbreak. And I, bringer of all things noisy, have a compiled said list for you. With love of course.

The Loved

So you have a lover. Maybe it's a hot dude. A hot chick? Beagle? Bagel? Jesus? I won't judge. Fact is on this the day of looove you are getting ready for (A) hot sex, (B) hot cuddling, (C) no you can't have both. Choose wisely.

Anyways for all those who will be getting some sweet, rosey, love here's some tunes for your day.

Oh yeah...

Ocean and a Rock by Lisa Hannigan


Ocean and a Rock is such a beautiful song. I love it. I think it's one of those songs that kind of makes you believe love can exist no matter how far apart you are.

Bonita Applebum by A Tribe Called Quest


Maybe this is less about love and more about lovin' this song is still mighty sexy. Yeeaahh.

Backdoor Man by The Doors


Sex. Don't gimme that look. You and I both know Valentines Day is just as much about romance as it is about getting laid. Neither gender is innocent of this.

Automatic by The Go-Go's


Amazing. Truly an underrated track from an underrated and oft forgotten album. The lyrics to this song are pure fucking poetry.

While We're Young by April March


This is the song for risktakers. For people who just want to be whisked away and have their minds blown. Truly feel like this a unique sort of a love song.

Michelle by The Beatles


It's impossible to list a list of love songs and not have a Beatles song and Michelle is probably one of the best. It's a simple young love between a dude from Liverpool and a French chick.

The Concept by The Cranberries


And it's also impossible not to have a Cranberries song and a track off the sensual and hypnotic Wake Up and Smell the Coffee hits the spot. Nothing says "Awww yeeaahh," like Dolores O'Riordan's voice.

Conquest by The White Stripes


Okay let's kick things up a notch. Conquest is one of my favorite love-y songs (maybe moreso seduction, I'm down with both) because it's the story of a strong woman who turns the tables on a strong man. What's hotter than that?

Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis


What can I say? It's a classic.

Circles by Strong Bad


I didn't know whether to put these here in the Loved section or not but because it's Strong Bad it's safe to assume he gets the girls in the end and rocks her god damn world.

Bull in the Heather by Sonic Youth


Personal favorite. I thave yet to meet anyone who really knows what Kim Gordon is trying to say in this song but the most popular theory is the song is about love making. With that mindset I think the song is definitely one of the more beautiful and lyrically intense of love (or at least seduction, be sure not to mix those up kids) songs. Personal favorite right here. Also, the video has Kathleen Hanna kissing Kim Gordon. That's just awesome.

Sandpaper Kisses by Martina-Topley Bird


I still haven't decided if this or I Want You (She's So Heavy) by The Beatles is the most hypnotic of love songs but Jesus is it up there. I mean seriously. Sit in ambience and listen to this song. It's like a natural high.

The Loveless

Of course not everybody has somebody to love on Valentine's Day. Some of us don't give a fuck and that's the way we like it. Maybe you've been heartbroken, maybe you just don't care, whoever you are these songs are for you. I know it sounds stereotypical of my generation but I find the "Fuck you," songs to be more entertaining than the love songs. Most love songs just don't have that punch ya know?

Ex Lover's Lover by Voltaire


Of course it's impossible to have a list for the Loveless and not include some goth. So here we have two for ya. Sorry Amanda Palmer, whether you wanna be goth or not, the goth culture has adopted you. Deal with it.

Good Day by The Dresden Dolls



The Flowers by Regina Spektor


Not everyone without love is angry or bitter about it. Some are somber this Valentine's Day. Maybe you lost a lover, maybe a bad breakup, diappointment, whatever. I think no matter what the majority of us can, at least at one point or another, relate to The Flowers. That's why I love it so. It's heartbreak with a little hope and some restless nights.

Death On Two Legs (Dedicated To...) by Queen


If we can all cry over The Flowers we can probably all get pissed off listening to Death On Two Legs. I know I do. It's probably one of Freddie's most powerful performances. Granted it's not actually about a breakup (it's about Freddie's relationship with his managers before signing onto a bigger label) but damn you coulda fooled me.

Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers


Up and down, up and down. Angry, sad, sangry, sad. The world of the loveless is an emotional rollercoaster for sure. Here's a little sadness for ya. And yes, I was reminded of this song thanks to Dante's Inferno.

American Woman by The Guess Who


And up again. Probably one of my favorite "Fuck you," songs. Some people think it's a political song. For example "I don't need your war machines / I don't need your ghetto scenes." Well the story goes at one of The Guess Who's first shows everyone had gotten there except lead vocalist Burton Cummings. So the band began improvising the rhythm and Cummings was having trouble because of some girls who he distinctly remember bragged that they had come up from America to see them play. So Cummings got on stage and improvised the lyrics telling the ladies to "Fuck off." Awesome, right!?!

I Remember When I Loved Her by The Zombies


And down again. Love me some Zombies.

Cover My Eyes by La Roux


Pretty much every song off of La Roux has that cold electronic somber feel. The duo has some of those good strong woman tracks that have toppled the strong male tracks in popularity recently on there too (Bulletproof obviously being the most popular) but I think their somber side doesn't get enough credit. What? You're tired of hearing me talk about La Roux and Elly Jackson? Deal with it. They're hyping their next album soon.

Psychotic Girl by The Black Keys


Time for a complete musical 180. Psychotic Girl (from the fantastic album Attack & Release which totally should've won a Grammy) is one most dudes and lesbians can probably agree with. Sure probably some straight women too but have you seen lesbian relationships? They deal with some crazy shit sometimes.

Galaxy 500 by The Reverend Horton Heat


Aw, yeah.

Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles


YES! Childhood favorite. I knew how to break up with someone musically before I even knew how to seduce or serenade them. Ray Charles. That's the shit I grew up on!

I'm Not Your Stepping Stone by The Monkees


Love this lil' diddy. I don't care if that's really The Monkees performing it or not.

The Minsunderstood

And then there's the misunderstood. It's not that the misunderstood are completely unlovable. They're just...special. The enjoy special things in a special way. There's no telling how these odd lovers will be spending their day of romance and baby making but it's fair to say most of us probably don't want to know. Or maybe you do. I won't your face.

Dead Girls by Voltaire


Now my #1 rule when music list blogging is to never repeat an artist. In this case I make an exception because this totally belongs here.

Little Girls by Oingo Boingo


Yup. I creeped out many-a friends with this one.

Do You Like Boys? by Freezepop


Playing this loud in a Texas shopping center was totally worth it.

Non-Existent Patricia by L7


L7 is so amazing. They can make literally anything sound cool. If MCR did this song it would suck ass. When L7 does it you wanna punch a panda. Best. Grunge band. Ever.

October by Dolores O'Riordan


Changes suck (sometimes). October is usually a very interesting month for me artistically. It's like "molting" season. I never feel more confused and misunderstood than I do in October. In a way it's enjoyable. Being confused and lost means you rediscover old things in a new light. But you're still lost.

Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane


This one speaks for itself.

Bust A Move by Young M.C.


Fuck everyone Young M.C. was awesome. Never have I found a hip-hop song that truly captures the awkwardness of seducing the opposite sex than Bust A Move.

Silver Dagger by Joan Baez


This song gets me every time. EVERY TIME! It's such a sad tune and I know how that feels from both sides of this story. I think it's the most down-to-earth misunderstood tune I've ever heard. The narrator is so conflicted and confused. It's a bummer.

Behind Blue Eyes by The Who


This song always fascinates me. Had this song been written and performed within the last 10 years (especially during the Grunge era) we'd all be shooting it down as some pussy emo shit. But because it's The Who, and because it was written when it was written, it's an instant misunderstood classic. Double standards. We got 'em.

Hang You From the Heavens by The Dead Weather


The Dead Weather's album Horehound is another one that so deserved a Grammy. It was consistently brilliant and musically it was probably the most interesting album to hit the mainstream last year. I'd argue it may be better than anything The White Stripes released. Anyhow here's a song, the girl in it is conflicted, dig it. The bass is the shit.

I Want to Break Free by Queen


Breaking my own rules again. At some point in all our lives I think we can kind of agree with this. Kind of dropping that whole "dating fascade" and just going balls to the wall (literally or metaphorically, we're all friends here).

I Don't Want to Know (If You Don't Want Me) by The Donnas


HAHA! Suck it! Don't like The Donnas!? Well fuck you! I love The Donnas. Many people don't. I do. This is my list. We're gonna get some Donnas in this bitch. This might be my favorite Donnas song. It also gets kinda creepy.

[embed]163642:27437[/embed]   read

6:53 PM on 02.11.2010

Hey Xzyliac! What's the weather like where you live? [random blog]

Well kids let me tell you with a song...


25% of the the reason I moved here was for the weather. I am not a happy thing.   read

5:02 PM on 02.02.2010

100 Artist Rock Band Needs: Part 6 of 10

WARNING: The article you are about to read is almost 100% opinion. This means it is in no way supposed to represent artist of any legendary status. It is purely to get the ol' juices flowing. If you disagree or have a band you think should be in RB please comment (I love finding new bands) or make your own blog.

Annnd we're back!

51. Johnny Cash

Genre: Country
Formation: 1955
Trivia: Did you know Shel Silverstein wrote A Boy Named Sue? It kinda makes sense now.

It hurts me ever so much that of all the country we've gotten thus far we haven't gotten Johnny Cash. Cash is my favorite country musician by far. His voice is absolutely frightening. He's amazing. He lived a full life as well. He's credited with being a musician, songwriter, author, and Biblical scholar. He's known for contradicting himself and getting into more than a little trouble between his persona and drug abuse. I could fill several books talking about this mans life. Seriously.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...Folsom Prison Blues (Live), Hurt, and Ring of Fire

52. King Crimson

Genre: Progressive rock
Formation: 1969
Trivia: The artist who painted the cover of In the Court of the Crimson King is Barry Godber. He died one year later in 1970. That painting would be his first and last.

Alongside the band Yes King Crimson is often considered the first true progressive rock band. Formed in 1969 and originally conceptualized as a pop band the band evolved into one that used complex instrumentals and experimental recording techniques. The band has become almost infamous for drawing out songs and relying heavily on improvisation in live concerts. It's even rumored that the "20 minute jazz freeform" joke from Spinal Tap is a reference to the jazz rock days of King Crimson.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...Court of the Crimson King, Moonchild, and Masterpiece

53. Voltaire

Genre: Dark cabaret
Formation: 1998
Trivia: While Voltaire is often credited with his cabaret band he's also a leader in the active but lesser knowm NY new wave band The Oddz.

Voltaire is easily one the most lovable out of this 100. It's just as difficult to pick out only 4 of his songs as it is to forget him when forming this list. Aurelio Volaire Hernandez was born in a place (I'm assuming hell) before his family moved into New Jersey (worse than hell). As a child his first love was Duran Duran. His love of new wave would later segue him into the goth scene. He wasn't too popular as a kid either. Imagine that. An unpopular goth kid in the 80s. Anyhow his first job was an animator for toymaker Parker Brothers which would help lanuch his career in graphic novels and short films. Somewhere in between being awesome Voltaire found the time to be even more awesome and started his self-titled cabaret band with cello, violin, drums, and himself providing vocals and singing. Within a year his awesome stock rose 1200% when he was signed on with the equally awesome Projekt Records. He still performs and makes us all jealous that we don't live in New York.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

I'm posting a second just because it's hilariously offensive and can not be ignored:

Not to mention...Goodnight Demon Slayer, Bomb New Jersey, and Ex Lover's Lover

54. The Stooges

Genre: Punk
Formation: 1967
Trivia: The Stooges were actually signed on to Elektra Records as a byproduct of scout Danny Fields trying to lock in MC5.

Originally named The Psychedlic Stooges the band would become known as The Stooges (and to some Iggy Pop & The Stooges) it was a tough road traveled by Iggy Pop and the crew. From personal injuries to property damage and restraining orders the band proved to be both their own blessing and curse as people would flock to see their outrageous shows but few endulged them by letting them play their venues. Luckily a show with MC5 would prove their winning ticket when scout Danny Fields would stick around after MC5's set and find what would be his best catch ever. The band would repeat the process of self-destruction and redemption all the way until today and along the way they would see some brilliant solo hits during their hiatus' and maybe find out the true meaning of love.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...1969, 1970, and Loose

55. Bat for Lashes

Genre: Dream pop
Formation: 2006
Trivia: Bat for Lashes is not a band name. It's actually Natasha Khan's stage name.

If I had to put Bat for Lashes on a plane with anyone it would probably be Dolores O'Riordan's solo career. The music she writes is just so mystical and her voice is so excellent. What more can I say? Yet another Biritish musician who doesn't get her due here in the states. You all should be ashamed. Plus she's weird. Lawd knows I like weird.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...Daniel, Pearl's Dream, and What's A Girl To Do?

56. A Tribe Called Quest

Genre: Jazz rap
Formation: 1985
Trivia: Chuck Eddy of Rolling Stone said of the debut album, People's Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm, "[this] is one of the least danceable albums's impossible to imagine people will put this music to use." What?

Jazz hip hop is so fucking good. I mean sooo fucking good. WHy don't we have more of this in Rock Band? It's a fucking travesty. I'd argue I'd rather have this shit in Rock Band before DJ Hero.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...Go Ahead in the Rain, Can I Kick It?, and Electric Relaxation

57. The Cardigans

Genre: Pop rock
Formation: 1992
Trivia: The Cardigans starred in an episode of Beverly Hills 90210. That officially makes them cooler than anyone who'll read this blog.

I really dunno what to say about The Cardigans. They're a band. They play music. It doesn't suck.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...My Favourite Game, Erase/Rewind, and You're The Storm

58. The Decemberists

Genre: Indie
Formation: 2000
Trivia: The Decemberists refers to an attempted communist revolution in Russia.

Geez Harmonix what have you been up to? This is another band that I am completely shocked isn't in the Rock Band library. The Decemberist are a fine bunch of folk. I'd say they're like The Flaming Lips except a little closer to earth. Much like The Flaming Lips their songs are typically stoires and sometimes are stories within larger stories. The singles Always the Bridesmaid: Volumes I-III come to mind.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...The Mariner's Revenge Song, The Rake's Song, and Sixteen Military Wives

59. Anthrax

Genre: Thrash metal
Formation: 1981
Trivia: Before becoming the Anthrax we know today guitarist Scott Ian's 14 year old brother was the lead singer.

The Big Four. Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer, and Anthrax. Of the big four Anthrax has always been, in my mind, the more fun of the four. They've just been a little sillier, a little more ridiculous, and a little more lighthearted than the others. Maybe it's that crazy Madhouse music video.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...Only, Caught in a Mosh, and I Am the Law

60. War

Genre: Funk
Formation: 1969
Trivia: War is the brainchild of producer Jerry Goldstein and Eric Burdon. The two are responsible for My Boyfriend's Back, I Want Candy, and the darkwave band The Animals respectively.

With a little bit of funk, a little bit of Latino, and a little bit of soul War was one of the standout groups of the 70s. While pretty muich anything else from them after that era is shit their oldies are still good times all around.

Most Rock Band worthy song:

Not to mention...Low Rider and Spill the Wine

---------- feels good to be back in the groove. Let's keep things consistent this time shall we?

Also, did anyone watch the Grammys? I know it's old but this immediately came to mind.

Steal a Grammy from my Queen GaGa? Fuck you Taylor Swift. Fuck you.   read

6:13 PM on 01.27.2010

19 things I want for my 19th birthday

Today is January 25th but when I plan on making this blog live it will be the 27th. My 19th birthday. Chances are I'm doing one of three things right now: Playing Mass Effect 2, getting my hair one, or taking my driving test.

Now while I'm away this would be a perfect time for all of you to buy me shit I want. I've decided to help you all by providing a list in no particular order. Enjoi b1tchz...

1. Gibson Firebird V (Classic White)
Price: $1,700

The Gibson Firebird is my dream guitar. If you've never heard the sound of sex played through a guitar you would if you played the Gibson Firebird. I know Fenders are the hip thing nowadays but I'll always be a Gibson man. There's just something about them that makes me fall in love. I'd love nothing more than to sit this curvy lady next to my Les Paul.

2. Harmonix Music Systems
Price: $1,000,000,000 (holy shit)

Okay Alex move over. Now I love Alex Rigupolus (I've talked to him a few times) and I love the entire Harmonix team. I consider each and every one of them brilliant and I can name a good chunk of them right here and right now. They're good fucking people and in a perfect world I land a gig doing something within their magical Bostonian walls. And it's out of this love that I must say "Alex, take a long vacation and hand over the keys." It's time to spice up the music game genre. It's time to take some risk. Let's do something new team. Something that doesn't use plastic instruments.

We need a new video game rock opera epic.

3. Two PS3's
Price: $700

So I'm not getting that PS3 after all. Lame. I'm quitting the working/schooling gig and just focusing on the latter. So to make up for my disappointment you guys can get me two PS3's instead of one. You're welcome.

4. This hair
Price: Any job oppurtunity ever

This hair. I would kill for this hair. Albeit minus the goofy puffballs but yeah, this hair. God dammit dreads grow faster!

5. Sega Dreamcast
Price: $100

I lost mine in the move. I loved her. I named her Juniper. Unfortunately now she's gone and I need someone new to fill the hole. Can be boy or girl. Must be potty trained. PM for details.

6. Paris in April by April March on LP
Price: $70.00

No seriously I want this for my birthday. I want this so hard. It's the only place I can find it and I want it before someone else buys it. Wait...why am I telling you? You'll probably buy it!

No...nooo...don't click that...don't do it...DON'T...augh...dickface.

7. The unreleased sixth Cranberries album
Price: The fucking universe


8. To live out Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Price: Absolutely priceless

I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's my favorite movie of all time and rejuvenated my love of film. If you haven't seen it you really must. It's one of the finest films ever made and has one of the sweetest endings I've ever seen. It's a wicked surreal trip and I'd kill to go through something like that. It's almost like a modern day Alice in Wonderland for grown-ups and if you've read my About Me (You have read my new About Me, right?) you know Alice in Wonderland is the greatest book ever written. True facts people. True facts.

9. A book worth reading
Price: I dunno

You know how long it's been since I read a book? Seriously, like, a LOOONG time. I read a lot. Mostly blogs, newspapers, magazines, and the occasional movie script (Hey Miranda July whatever happened to that full length film you were working on? I can only watch You and Me and Everyone We Know so many times). But it's been a long time since I found a good book I actually needed to read from front to back.

10. All the Jones Soda in the world
Price: Probably more than all the Coke in the world...which is really sad

Ever since moving I've noticed Houston has a serious lacking of one thing and one thing only: Jones Soda. What the fuck? I need an overpriced pure cane fix in a pretentious and artsy bottle! Seriously if you've never had Jones you are missing out. As one of my friends said "It is the indie artist of sodas." Seriously, shit's so good.

11. A million dollars in vinyl bucks
Price: In vinyl world or the real world?

So, yeah, I collect vinyl. CDs suck, MP3s are a lesser evil, vinyl is awesome. Even more awesome is more artist are releasing their new stuff on vinyl here in the States. Now this has almost always been so in England (screw you guys) but here in Amurika mofos so bent on the latest greatest iPodPhoneCarShoe with it's crazy gizmo wizadry that we kind of forget to buy, well, what sounds good. Luckily with all the music format innovations coming to a halt vinyl is back. HOORAY!

So I want one million dollars that I can only spend on vinyl. That way when bitches ask me for money I can say "Sorry. It's not real currency. It's vinyl bucks." Awesome.

12. The iRock
Price: $4,596,695.99

So apparently my iRock preorder fell through. They were getting too many at a time or some fiasco and in the hurricane of madness they lost mine and a few others so it'll be another 4-6 months of twiddling my thumbs and bleeding through my pores with anticipation as the disease of do want consumes my face.Enkido's gloating of his recently received iRock didn't help either. Damn you Enkido!

13. Sex with Tiger Woods
Price: $3...that's how much vaseline cost right?

Everyone got some. I feel left out and unloved. :/

14. PAX East
Price: Hmm...$650

Another thing I lost in the move was my ability to go to PAX East. Soo originally the trip was...*math doing face*...$150 and now it would be $650. And since none of you dirty apes will adopt me I guess you'll all have to pay for my tickets and room.

I don't know why you won't adopt me. I'm totally lovable. You bastard.

15. To understand the fanboy
Price: My soul

This picture never ceases to frighten and fascinate me.

Now I used to be a fanboy. Yes, yes, let that sink in. I was a Sega fanboy and then a Microsoft fanboy. They weren't the best of times let me tell you. Actually I was led astray by my Sega fanboy cousin and then when the Dreamcast died I pledged striking vengeance by not...buying...a PS2...I was like 12 or something okay so leave me alone.

But things have gotten far more intense since I left the fanboy world, broke down, and bought that PS2 Slim (which subsequently broke down...twice...guess Microsoft isn't the only one). Yes now we have YouTube and weird little armies that apparently hang out on user created forums to have their fanboy orgies and then attack other forums with flame wars and return home to suck more Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo cock.

What the fuck? When I was a fanboy we just took cheap shots at each others exclusives and occasionally got hardcore by "taking it to the PMs." You guys are just fucking crazy.

16. All my stuff
Price: $1,000

A lot of my stuff is still Baltimore. I miss my stuff. It can't get shipped soon enough.

17. That band
Price: Does Karen O charge by the hour?

Remember that band? That one that you were gonna start when you were 16 or whatever? Back when you first started taking lessons? Your eyes filled with hope and your imagination spinning? Remember asking everyone "Do you know a drummer,"? Remember visually scanning the cafeteria for a singer hoping and praying he/she would be hot? Remember that?

Yeah, I want that back. See because I had that band. It was my best friends and me. I handled the drums, my buds provided the strings, and the hot chick screamed the nonsense. I want that back. I want the hot chick on vocals, I want wicked strings, I want a sassy keyboardist, and I wanna smash some drums. You dig?

18. To not want Elly Jackson so bad
Price: My sexuality

Seriously I don't think I can do it.

19. An ounce of the talent of any of following artist
Price: Year of dedication, practice, passion, and fucking awesomeness.

This is basically the end credits to all the people I don't know personally who have inspired me immensly over the last 19 years. These people are amazing.

Elly Jackson
Robert Plant
Karen O
David Bowie
Regina Spektor
Robert Johnson
Any member of Digable Planets
Dirty Dave Mustaine (sober Dave Mustaine sucks)
Grace Slick
Stevie Nicks
Tahita Bulmer
Kate Jackson
Miranda July
Charlie Kaufman
Nubuo Uematsu
Edward Hopper
Tarja Turunen
Donita Sparks
Patti Smith
Lewis Carrol
Edgar Allen Poe
Dolores O'Riordan
Kathleen Hanna
Thurston Moore
Kim Gordon
Joan Jett
Amy WInehouse (shut up)
Damon Albarn
Jack White
Mario Puzo
Jennifer Hale
Michael Gondry
Joan Baez


So that's my terrible little piece of self-indulgence. Happy my birthday to all ya'll!


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