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Xzyliac avatar 5:48 PM on 06.21.2010  (server time)
Sympathy for the devil: A few words for the oppressed fanboy race...

Much like being a gangsta, or being Mexican, it’s a hard life to lead being a fanboy. Spreading the truth when few want to hear it, preaching the gospel when so many intolerant and angry people want to silence you. As you walk the earth, your fellow gamers sinning in fornication with evil consoles that will only bring them grief and pain, you often ask yourself is it worth it? Is man even worthy of your strong back with which to hold the weight of all their sins upon? How can one such as you be asked to bear the pains of martyrism? Why? But whenever you entertain the thought of foregoing your burden fantasies of a true pure gaming world come into your eyes. Where the sins of the box which has poisoned your gaming world are washed away. With an eyeful of tears and a heavy heart in your chest you continue your journey.

I understand your pain. I see the suffering of fanboys all day long. The boy on the street being mocked for buying a PSP instead of a DS. The frustration of men when ignorant people just don’t “get” the innovations of the Move. When will they learn it’s not a blatant Wii rip-off? Isn’t it obvious Sony had this planned all along? Perhaps to you and I but never to them. And so I write this today to bring to light your suffering for the better of gaming.

The fanboy is an oppressed race. Sometimes they are even forced into something of a digital nomadic life. Roaming from one forum/blog to the next. At the first sign of truth, a truth like how the PlayStation promotes homosexuality (Do we really need further proof than the Move after all?), the fanboy is swiftly silenced by the oppressive higher ups. There is little solace for the oppressed fanboy. How else will those fools realize that Nintendo makes the same games over and over? Ratchet & Clank, Final Fantasy, Killzone, now there’s some overlooked originality.

And these fools, oppressive and many, who wish to silence your reign of truth, call themselves the “master race.” You know who else called themselves that? That’s right, Nazi’s! When you look into their grimacing eyes, and you read the hate fueled drivel that spews from their minds, you know the true dangers of the sinful act of mutliplatformism. We have men who own glorious 360’s but bypass them for the black Asian devilboxes known as the PlayStation 3. Women with perfectly adept, sturdy, dare I say majestic, PCs but waste their time playing vile poisons of the industry like Farmville. And even worse? These are the same women who will leave these prime angelic machines of righteousness to play games like Dragon Age on their inferior and putrid 360s. What!? But it’s better on PC because of mods! Some will say the game should come playable and enjoyable out of the box but what do they know? They are lesser men. You, oh oppressed fanboy, are the right one. All the time.

Fanboys are oppressed and taunted with the myth of “opinions.” Opinions? Well while looking for a quote on opinions I found this:

And I think that can pretty much sum up how “valid” the opinion of one these fornicating multiplatformers really is. Who can trust a mind that has already been tainted by the disgusting and unholy act of multiplatformerism? Just as fish shit in water the mind of the multiplatformer is laden with the shit of an open mind. With no personal agenda who knows what nonsense can spew from their minds? Wii is better than PS3? Killzone is better than Halo? Some have even said these console wars are pointless and we should “Just like get along, man.” These free thinking hippies of gaming are nothing but filth. They are vermin who must be saved by the glory and holiness of your respective fanboyism.

So do not fret fanboys. I know your walk seems tired, your soul seems tried, and your mission seems hard. They will say ignorant things. They’ll question the validity of your opinion of Halo when you don’t own an Xbox. They’ll ignore the cold hard facts like 9.6 is more than 9.7. Hell, they’ll even ask you how you can be a fanboy and then turn around and be enraged at bias. It’s not that you have a bias, it’s that you know the truth. Truth is fact, undeniable and without argument. And the truth is [insert convenient truth here].

Now take this bread, take this water, and continue your journey, oh wanderer.

Oh who am I you ask? Well, it’s funny really. I was one of you. Yes, I was. I was a fanboy, one of the purest and strongest of them all. But then I was dealt with a devastating blow, drawn in by the lust of a she-devil who gripped onto me and wouldn’t let me go until I submit. And when my strength finally waned I did and I have not been able to return since. Who was she? Her name, three letters long, and as potent as a venomous serpent, still rings in me today. It sickens me to say she guides my life, directs my every move, and even disgustingly holds over the games I play. No longer do I seek innovation, or originality, as a true gamer should. Are you ready to hear the name of the she-devil?


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