So last year I gave this a shot and no one adopted me. Probably because I was new and no one cared. Then at PAX East I gave this a shot and no one adopted me. Probably because it's the East coast and if moving to Texas has shown me anything, well, we're a bunch of unwelcoming fucks on the East coast. But with a new year I'm here again with big ol' puppy dog eyes to convince you, my reader (and future PAX mommy/daddy) why you should choose me above all these other losers.
1) I will provide epic tunes
It's a fact that I am a music nerd and as a music nerd I call dibs on the radio, the MP3 player, the other radio, the laptop iTunes, the hotel radio, the Rock Band setlist, and the portable radio. So know that as long as I am with you you will never have to stress over what to listen to. You just keep your sweet little booty planted wherever it is and let the delicious audible delicacies of my perfect music taste take you away to a land of badassery and sweet lovin'.
2) I'm wreckless and impulsive
If you've ever seen a comedy movie or a sitcom you know the wrecklessly impulsive are always the most fun people to hang with. Keenan & Kel, My Gym Partner's A Monkey, Brutal Legend, the wrecklessly impulsive are always buckets of lulz and kickass. When you're unsure about any situation I will thrust you into it head on. Oh look, it's that thing you always wanted to do! Let's go do it! That thing looks pretty, let's go to it! Dangerous you say? Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm running face first into it!
3) God told me I need to have autographs from Harmonix people
One night an angel came into my room and she charged me with a mission from God. To collect Harmonix autographs. "How?" I asked the angel. She gave God a call and he was like "PAX, bitch." After that we had a few drinks and prank called Gabriel. He's such a douche.
4) I suck at almost any videogame therefore making you look at least 10x better
Have you ever looked at a game and wanted to play it really badly but noticed how ace everyone who crowded the screen was and didn't want to embarass yourself in front of any of your peers or potential sexual partners? With me by your side you're sure to look at least 10 times better at any game! I promise! Sure you might be sucking, you can't aim for shit and you have one kill, but who's that team killing bastard who can't stay focused long enough to protect the damn flag? Why it's Xzyliac! You may be a spcial move spamming no good son of a bullbog but who's the cunt who keeps pressing the same damn attack button? Why it's Xzyliac! See with me around your suckiness (or God forbid awesomeness) is always overshadowed by my Xzyliacness
which is essentially like suckiness but even worse!
5) My avatar is Ellie Jackson
Who the fuck doesn't want to walk around with a print out of Ellie Jackson?
6) Occams is taken
I know, I know. You wanted to take Occams. Look we all do. Who wouldn't want to take that hunk of manly manlitude to bed in such a romantic city like Seattle? Just imagining that beard nestling your head while he sings his own reggae inspired version of the Full House theme song. It's just as sensual as it is haunting. Also, maybe a little gay. But alas Occams is taken so it's time for your backup plan. Your #2 lover. That'd be me. Who did you think it was? Jerkface! I thought we had something special!
7) I know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody
Trust me, in a long line (and there will be a line eventually), this is an essential survival tool. And with a buddy things could get awesome.
8) You can see Drunk Xzyliac
Drunk Xzyliac is a very rare animal indeed. In fact there has only ever been one documented sighting of Drunk Xzyliac. See, Xzyliac in general drinks a lot of everything. He drinks water, juice, soda, coolant, by the buckets. He drinks way more than he eats and drinks anything within arms distance almost purely out of instinct. So when said drinks are alcoholic things are bound to get...weird. And Xzyliac is a weird enough creature without alcohol. Drunk Xzyliac is extremely rare and occasionally admits to things that are totally untrue (i.e. You might hear something about Clay Aiken sex dreams. Ignore that.). However adopt Xzyliac for PAX and anything could happen.
9) I never sleep (WTF? All of a sudden I switch back to first person?)
I never sleep. Now sure this curse is great for parties, stalking, and making daring escapes off rooftoops but it also serves to benefit another cause: Ninjaing. Yes, like any good insomniac I am a skilled master in the art of Ninjaing. With you as my faithful lackey we can patrol the streets of Seattle avenging justice and throwing random things at guys crotches while hiding. It'll be totally awesome.
10) I'm a chick
Now it's an obvious fact that I'm a girl. And if you read my About Me you'll know it's a confirmed fact from a total stranger who's never met me that I'm an attractive girl. How does this benefit you? Because it's universally known that women are social swiss army knives. Any issue, be you my PAX daddy or mommy, can be solved by the power of womanhood. Say there's an attractive individual of the opposite gender (oh hell any gender) and you're looking to get some of that fabled PAX lovin'. As a woman I could totally prep you through the whole thing. You've seen the movies right? You're looking at your target across the room, you look at me, back and forth. Then I slap you/grab you/stare you down and I say something mega inspiring in a super assuring voice and then BAM! Sexual relations!
Or maybe your plan is to be the most badass of the badass on the PAX floor. It is universally accepted that nothing is more badass than an attractive woman who plays videogames and sings Bohemian Rhapsody in long lines. With me by your side we look totally badass. Everyone'll be like "Oh snap, they're badass." And we'll be all like "You bet your sweet lil' dick we are."
These are 10 reasons why you should adopt me. And if you don't then you can't blame me when you're walking down the street and a traffic cone gets thrown at your crotch outta nowhere. You were warned.
Here, have this sweet La Roux tune...