19 things I want for my 19th birthday

Today is January 25th but when I plan on making this blog live it will be the 27th. My 19th birthday. Chances are I'm doing one of three things right now: Playing Mass Effect 2, getting my hair one, or taking my driving test.

Now while I'm away this would be a perfect time for all of you to buy me shit I want. I've decided to help you all by providing a list in no particular order. Enjoi b1tchz...

1. Gibson Firebird V (Classic White)
Price: $1,700



The Gibson Firebird is my dream guitar. If you've never heard the sound of sex played through a guitar you would if you played the Gibson Firebird. I know Fenders are the hip thing nowadays but I'll always be a Gibson man. There's just something about them that makes me fall in love. I'd love nothing more than to sit this curvy lady next to my Les Paul.

2. Harmonix Music Systems
Price: $1,000,000,000 (holy shit)



Okay Alex move over. Now I love Alex Rigupolus (I've talked to him a few times) and I love the entire Harmonix team. I consider each and every one of them brilliant and I can name a good chunk of them right here and right now. They're good fucking people and in a perfect world I land a gig doing something within their magical Bostonian walls. And it's out of this love that I must say "Alex, take a long vacation and hand over the keys." It's time to spice up the music game genre. It's time to take some risk. Let's do something new team. Something that doesn't use plastic instruments.

We need a new video game rock opera epic.

3. Two PS3's
Price: $700

So I'm not getting that PS3 after all. Lame. I'm quitting the working/schooling gig and just focusing on the latter. So to make up for my disappointment you guys can get me two PS3's instead of one. You're welcome.

4. This hair
Price: Any job oppurtunity ever



This hair. I would kill for this hair. Albeit minus the goofy puffballs but yeah, this hair. God dammit dreads grow faster!

5. Sega Dreamcast
Price: $100

I lost mine in the move. I loved her. I named her Juniper. Unfortunately now she's gone and I need someone new to fill the hole. Can be boy or girl. Must be potty trained. PM for details.

6. Paris in April by April March on LP
Price: $70.00



No seriously I want this for my birthday. I want this so hard. It's the only place I can find it and I want it before someone else buys it. Wait...why am I telling you? You'll probably buy it!

No...nooo...don't click that...don't do it...DON'T...augh...dickface.

7. The unreleased sixth Cranberries album
Price: The fucking universe

DOLORES O'RIORDAN I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS REUNION DOESN'T EQUAL THE COMPLETION OF THAT ALBUM I WILL BLAME YOU! God damn Irish.

8. To live out Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Price: Absolutely priceless


I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's my favorite movie of all time and rejuvenated my love of film. If you haven't seen it you really must. It's one of the finest films ever made and has one of the sweetest endings I've ever seen. It's a wicked surreal trip and I'd kill to go through something like that. It's almost like a modern day Alice in Wonderland for grown-ups and if you've read my About Me (You have read my new About Me, right?) you know Alice in Wonderland is the greatest book ever written. True facts people. True facts.

9. A book worth reading
Price: I dunno

You know how long it's been since I read a book? Seriously, like, a LOOONG time. I read a lot. Mostly blogs, newspapers, magazines, and the occasional movie script (Hey Miranda July whatever happened to that full length film you were working on? I can only watch You and Me and Everyone We Know so many times). But it's been a long time since I found a good book I actually needed to read from front to back.

10. All the Jones Soda in the world
Price: Probably more than all the Coke in the world...which is really sad



Ever since moving I've noticed Houston has a serious lacking of one thing and one thing only: Jones Soda. What the fuck? I need an overpriced pure cane fix in a pretentious and artsy bottle! Seriously if you've never had Jones you are missing out. As one of my friends said "It is the indie artist of sodas." Seriously, shit's so good.

11. A million dollars in vinyl bucks
Price: In vinyl world or the real world?

So, yeah, I collect vinyl. CDs suck, MP3s are a lesser evil, vinyl is awesome. Even more awesome is more artist are releasing their new stuff on vinyl here in the States. Now this has almost always been so in England (screw you guys) but here in Amurika mofos so bent on the latest greatest iPodPhoneCarShoe with it's crazy gizmo wizadry that we kind of forget to buy, well, what sounds good. Luckily with all the music format innovations coming to a halt vinyl is back. HOORAY!

So I want one million dollars that I can only spend on vinyl. That way when bitches ask me for money I can say "Sorry. It's not real currency. It's vinyl bucks." Awesome.

12. The iRock
Price: $4,596,695.99



So apparently my iRock preorder fell through. They were getting too many at a time or some fiasco and in the hurricane of madness they lost mine and a few others so it'll be another 4-6 months of twiddling my thumbs and bleeding through my pores with anticipation as the disease of do want consumes my face.Enkido's gloating of his recently received iRock didn't help either. Damn you Enkido!

13. Sex with Tiger Woods
Price: $3...that's how much vaseline cost right?

Everyone got some. I feel left out and unloved. :/

14. PAX East
Price: Hmm...$650

Another thing I lost in the move was my ability to go to PAX East. Soo originally the trip was...*math doing face*...$150 and now it would be $650. And since none of you dirty apes will adopt me I guess you'll all have to pay for my tickets and room.

I don't know why you won't adopt me. I'm totally lovable. You bastard.

15. To understand the fanboy
Price: My soul


This picture never ceases to frighten and fascinate me.

Now I used to be a fanboy. Yes, yes, let that sink in. I was a Sega fanboy and then a Microsoft fanboy. They weren't the best of times let me tell you. Actually I was led astray by my Sega fanboy cousin and then when the Dreamcast died I pledged striking vengeance by not...buying...a PS2...I was like 12 or something okay so leave me alone.

But things have gotten far more intense since I left the fanboy world, broke down, and bought that PS2 Slim (which subsequently broke down...twice...guess Microsoft isn't the only one). Yes now we have YouTube and weird little armies that apparently hang out on user created forums to have their fanboy orgies and then attack other forums with flame wars and return home to suck more Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo cock.

What the fuck? When I was a fanboy we just took cheap shots at each others exclusives and occasionally got hardcore by "taking it to the PMs." You guys are just fucking crazy.

16. All my stuff
Price: $1,000

A lot of my stuff is still Baltimore. I miss my stuff. It can't get shipped soon enough.

17. That band
Price: Does Karen O charge by the hour?

Remember that band? That one that you were gonna start when you were 16 or whatever? Back when you first started taking lessons? Your eyes filled with hope and your imagination spinning? Remember asking everyone "Do you know a drummer,"? Remember visually scanning the cafeteria for a singer hoping and praying he/she would be hot? Remember that?

Yeah, I want that back. See because I had that band. It was my best friends and me. I handled the drums, my buds provided the strings, and the hot chick screamed the nonsense. I want that back. I want the hot chick on vocals, I want wicked strings, I want a sassy keyboardist, and I wanna smash some drums. You dig?

18. To not want Elly Jackson so bad
Price: My sexuality



Seriously I don't think I can do it.

19. An ounce of the talent of any of following artist
Price: Year of dedication, practice, passion, and fucking awesomeness.

This is basically the end credits to all the people I don't know personally who have inspired me immensly over the last 19 years. These people are amazing.

Elly Jackson
Robert Plant
Karen O
David Bowie
Regina Spektor
Robert Johnson
Any member of Digable Planets
Dirty Dave Mustaine (sober Dave Mustaine sucks)
Grace Slick
Voltaire
Stevie Nicks
Tahita Bulmer
Kate Jackson
Miranda July
Charlie Kaufman
Nubuo Uematsu
Edward Hopper
Tarja Turunen
Donita Sparks
Patti Smith
Lewis Carrol
Edgar Allen Poe
Dolores O'Riordan
Kathleen Hanna
Thurston Moore
Kim Gordon
Joan Jett
Amy WInehouse (shut up)
Damon Albarn
Jack White
Mario Puzo
Jennifer Hale
Michael Gondry
Joan Baez


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So that's my terrible little piece of self-indulgence. Happy my birthday to all ya'll!