Since the company I work for are a bunch of heartless wraiths, I'm being forced to stay on 'til 5:30 to man the phones, while everyone else gets to go home early. Thanks, fuckers.
As such, I'm refusing to do any work, so I'm writing a blog instead.
As Christmas is just around the corner, I thought I'd talk about 'the good old days', when I was a young whippersnapper in the early days of console gaming. I remember it like it was more than twenty years ago. I tore downstairs to see what the Fat Man had left me and pounced upon the largest box in my pile. As my sister daintily removed the paper from one of her gifts, careful not to damage it, I went in there with teeth and claws, snarling like a cornered honey badger, before scuttling under the sofa to bury my prize.
It was a Sega Megadrive. I know, awesome right? (I was a little too young for the NES, but I've owned one since, because come on. You have
to have owned a NES!)
Now, my parents weren't all that knowledgable when it came to games, so they'd bought me Michael Jackson's Moonwalker for some reason.
Man, old box art was just awful
It wasn't a terrible game, just weird, and as a child I wasn't really aware of Michael Jackson or his music. As far as I was concerned, it was a game about a dude who could only communicate by saying 'ow' and thrusting at people (so I was pretty much spot on). In the game, you walked oddly through levels that, now I think about it, were modelled on Michael Jackson's songs. There was a gangster-type setting in a club, a graveyard zombie level etc. and the aim of the game was to rescue a bunch of kidnapped clone-girls, who would shout 'Michael!' when you found them, before being whisked away by Michael's magical flying monkey, Bubbles.
The attacks were pretty flashy. You could kick 'em, punch 'em, throw your hat at 'em, or spin around for 10 seconds and then launch into a full on dance number that none of the enemy could resist joining in with. You'd finish the dance by doing that awesome lean thing Micheal used to do, and then break the spell making everyone fall over dead. I knew his dance moves were hard, but come on.
Oh, and you could turn into a car and fly away. And at the end of the game you morphed into a giant laser-robot. Pretty standard stuff...
Despite the game, that console completely changed my life. Since that fateful day in 199x I have been a gamer. I've been there through every triumphant new console, every appalling failure, every gimmick, accessory and add-on. I've seen it all. I think the new generation of gamers will always take the quality of games we're seeing today for granted. They didn't have to suffer through the years of low-budget drivel that we older gamers did. They didn't have to deal with only having three lives and no save points. They've been given an easy ride.
And when I'm old, and my grandchildren aer plugging their brains directly into Skynet to play Virtual Space Molester VIII, I'll bore the crap out of them with tales just like this one, because it's important to keep history alive!
Merry Christmas, folks.