I'm here to help you get to grips with Skyrim and all of its many secrets.
Okay, sounds cool. Where do we start?
First we need to start a New Game and create your character. You're going to be looking at this guy for hundreds of hours so make sure you're happy with your choices before continuing.
That's... what the hell is that? He looks like something dragged out of the bottom of a lake!
He's a Nord!
That guy is not a Nord. He's hideous. His eyes scream for an end that will not come. You've created a monster.
Fine... how's this?
Better, but he still looks pretty depressed. Whatever, we'll get him a helmet as soon as possible. Cover that face right up. Next up, you need to decide how you're going to play the game. Will you favour the arcane arts? Will you be a fearless warrior weilding a might two-handed warhammer? Or will you go down the path of sneakery and go about just straight stabbin' bitches in the spine? Or you could mix and match, whatever.
Um... can I be a spell-assassin?
You can totally be that. You can totally be a spell-assassin. That's awesome. You're awesome.
I'm loving being inside you more and more. Do you like it? Do you like me inside you?
It's... okay, I suppose. I'm getting used to it.
Yeah, everyone complains at first, but once you lay back and let the muscles relax it starts to get pretty enjoyable.
Wait, what are we talking about now?
Right, it's just that you make it sound a lot like... y'know what? Never mind. Moving on. HOLY SHIT A DRAGON!
I know, right? How awesome is that? You should run though, because it's about to burn you into an ugly little crisp. Because your character is ugly.
I got it. Okay, so I've escaped and now this guy wants me to follow him to a stranger's house.
It's cool, he isn't going to molest you or anything.
You'll forgive me for not believing you, given the circumstances.
Hey, what I'm doing all up in your quivering brain is a beautiful thing. There's this big taboo about it, but I've known some women who have just loved it, man.
Of course, what else would I be talking about?
Nevermind. Look, I've been picking a lot of flowers and stuff. I'm assuming there's a point to it.
Oh, yeah, you can be an Alchemist if you lilke. You can turn those ingredients into potions and either use them in your travels or sell them on for a profit. Skyrim has a fully functioning economy.
Thanks, I pride myself on the size and girth of my brain probe.
That isn't remotely what I was talking about. Not even at all.
Oh, it's just that you hadn't mentioned it and I was getting a bit self-concious.
I can't even feel it!
That's just cruel. Why would you say that at a time like this? How am I supposed to perform now?
I'm sorry. This is all very confusing.
You're just a probe-tease. That's what you are.
I didn't mean anything by it. I'm not used to having my brain probed.
Just... keep playing the game.
Okay, so, I'm walking to High Hrothgar now, to meet the Greybeards.
Oh, those guys are okay. Just go along with all their dramatics and you'll learn some Dragon Shouts.
Those sound great.
Yeah, they're pretty sweet. Like the sweet love I'm making to your brain.
Hey... what are you doing?
I'm forcing you out.
No, don't. Stop clenching your mind-sphincter. It'll only make it worse!
No, we haven't reached the climax! Of the game!
Fine, but don't come crawling back to me when you realise that you can't live without my tender probing.
You need help.
... I know.
I hope this guide helped you in some way, although I really can't see how it could have. Thanks for reading!