WriterSteve 's blog
I've been gaming since I realised how thumbs worked and writing since computers were invented, when I didn't have to use those ridiculous pen things anymore.

Currently playing: Skyrim (for the rest of my life), Battlefield 3 and the mound of splintered plastic that was once Dark Souls (thanks, dog).
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3:00 AM on 01.31.2012

I just bought a high-end custom gaming PC!

I'm currently suffering crippling buyers remorse, but I'm sure that will evaporate when The Beast arrives. It's an obscene rig, guys; my dream PC.

Should I have done this?! It's a lot of friggin' money. Screw it, I've always wanted a PC to be proud of an now I have it! It glows, man. Actually glows.

I'll post a pic when it arrives!

I shall now survive the month eating nothing but dust!


I've been playing a lot of Battlefield 3 (because my dog didn't eat it) and I've come to the conclusion that all people are hateful bastards. That isn't fair. Most people are hateful bastards and some people (me) are the victims of their spite.

In short, I suck at flying the planes and helicopters because the moment you spawn into either of them, some arsehole comes swooping down and riddles your sweet ride full of bullets before you can lift off the tarmac. I actually got off the ground once, but before I could get used to the controls I had two heat-seeking missiles crammed up my ass and I went hurtling to earth in a flaming ball of inadequacy.

But I do make a damn fine fireball.

These people circle the enemy airfield and blow up any vehicle that has the bare-faced cheek to spawn there. Yes, it's a good tactic to prevent the enemy gaining air superiority, but this is a goddamn game and it's supposed to be fun. Instead, I usually find myself climbing into the AA turrent and attempting to shoot down the sons of bitches, which is pretty much impossible where planes are concerned. So, I spend a ton of time away from the actual action, because I want to inflict some pain on the smug pricks soaring gracefully through the skies.

I once managed to spawn in a helicopter at the start of a match and thought I might finally be able to get a bit of air time going. Instead, I tilted around wildly, shot a building and then crashed into a pylon, killing myself and the two poor souls who climbed in there with me. And all because I can't practice with the bloody things.

Don't get me wrong, the ground warfare is awesome, and I'm no slouch with a sniper rifle, but I'd really like to get up in the sky and start bombing some bitches into a messy crater. I feel like I'm being denied a section of the multiplayer because a bunch of selfish dicks want to level their aircraft without actually having to do any dogfighting.

However, I'm stubborn and I'll keep trying even in the face of impossible odds, but I'm getting real tired of looking at my vehicle stats and seeing a big 'ole zero next to the plane section (I've levelled my chopper stats by riding shotgun).

Maybe I'm just making excuses for my suckiness.



6:44 PM on 01.07.2012

Totally watching Labyrinth right now, folks.

In other news, I've been thinking about Final Fantasy VII. I'm one of those guys, unfortunately. One of those annoying dicks who exclaims loudly to anyone who will listen that FF7 is the greatest God-damned game ever God-damned made, Goddamn it, and it must annoy the crap out of everyone. I'm sorry, I can't help it.

Holy shit, I'm drunk. My girlfriend has her friends over and I had to drink heavily to get through it. Do you think people who have never heard of the Final Fantasy series, and see it abbreviated as 'FF', just add their own words in their heads?

When it was released, Frisky Fungus 7 was mind-blowing. Yes, the ingame graphics kind of sucked when you think about it, but the cut scenes made me do a sex wee. Plus, it was friggin' huge and varied and awesome and those three words combined. Hairsome. It was hairsome. But you all know this already, because you all played it.

You'd better have played it, or I'll punch you in the heart.

But I'm not here to talk about Floating Fistpump 7. I'm here to talk about the remake, or rather the impossibility of a remake. For years, pain in the ass Flatlining Frogman fanboys (like me) have been screaming for a HD remake of the game, and for years the developers have been saying, "Seriously, the police are on their way, get off my porch". It used to get me angry, but now I understand why they won't remake it. They can't.

The dog just came upstairs do join me. He has a miniature space-hopper chew toy, and he's grabbed it by one of the 'ears'. He's shaking it from side to side and it's hitting him in each eye as he does so. It's funny.

Think about it. Even on the PS1, the game was on something like 400 discs. Imagine the storage required to store that same amount of game, but with modern day graphics and sound. Plus, everyone would expect complete voice-acting. It'd have to be stored on some government grade supercomputer and we could all take it in turns to play it. Maybe at an hourly fee.

Gotta pee. Back shortly.

So, sadly, I am forced to come to terms with the fact that I will never see a Fornicating Fruitbat remake. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if FFXIII-2 can make up for the abysmal showing that was FFXIII.

Back to Labyrinth!


An article has shown up on x360a announcing a rumour of a possible announcement of the rumoured new Xbox at this Summer's E3, along with the new Playstation and the Wii U.

"If true it will mark the first time in the consumer show's history that three brand new rival consoles will be under the same roof and so directly comparable."

I got me to thinking about what the next gen might offer in terms of improvements, and just how far graphics can really be taken. It's common knowledge that PCs are (and probably always will be) the frontrunners with regards to graphical capabilities, because they are fully customisable. Any console that is released will either match what PCs are capable of at that time, or slightly exceed them, until an inevitable upgrade is released that will allow PC users to once again out-perform the console gamers.

It seems like a losing battle.

Some might argue that console gaming is a much more accessable medium, and comes with the knowledge that any game you purchase will work, because it is specifically designed to do so, whereas a PC game may require additional expense in the form of improved hardware (Crysis being a prime example). But with the rate at which technology is advancing, is a console that remains 'stuck in time' really the way to go? Then again, how much has PC technology improved since the release of the current generation? Is the difference that vast?

This argument really only applies to Microsoft and Sony, given that Nintendo decided to focus on the family-friendly, party-based, hyphen-loving crowd rather than the 'hardcore' gamers. However, it's the 'hardcore' gamers that demand the best, and the best can't be provided when the console is incapable of improvement.

So we arrive at the point. How long will it be until what we consider a console starts becoming a PC? Hardware-wise, there's little difference. The only thing stopping a console from being considered a PC is the box it's sealed in and the restrictions placed upon it by the manufacturers. With every Xbox update, more and more 'apps' are being added that are considered exciting because they're on a console (YouTube etc.), but they're the same websites we've been visiting for years through our PCs and laptops.

I've been a console gamer for 20 years. I've owned PCs and laptops, but I've never been a PC gamer, because, for a long time, it seemed that the expense of purchasing and endlessly upgrading a decent gaming rig outweighed the number of games worth playing. Over time, however, my tastes have become refined enough to know that the games I want to play can be bought on either PC or console, and that with the modding community doing amazing things, PC seems like the better (and more fun) place to be at the moment.

With the next generation of console just around the corner, what can it possibly offer that a PC can't? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to find out and I hope I'm pleasantly surprised, but I can't shake the feeling that the console as we know it today is a dying breed.

And it may not be a bad thing.



Uh... hello?

I'm your Skyrim guide!

Where are you?

I've inserted myself deep into your brain-hole.


I was gentle.

That's worse somehow.

Just relax and let me ease right in.

Please stop.

I'm here to help you get to grips with Skyrim and all of its many secrets.

Okay, sounds cool. Where do we start?

First we need to start a New Game and create your character. You're going to be looking at this guy for hundreds of hours so make sure you're happy with your choices before continuing.

Okay, done!

That's... what the hell is that? He looks like something dragged out of the bottom of a lake!

He's a Nord!

That guy is not a Nord. He's hideous. His eyes scream for an end that will not come. You've created a monster.

Fine... how's this?

Better, but he still looks pretty depressed. Whatever, we'll get him a helmet as soon as possible. Cover that face right up. Next up, you need to decide how you're going to play the game. Will you favour the arcane arts? Will you be a fearless warrior weilding a might two-handed warhammer? Or will you go down the path of sneakery and go about just straight stabbin' bitches in the spine? Or you could mix and match, whatever.

Um... can I be a spell-assassin?

You can totally be that. You can totally be a spell-assassin. That's awesome. You're awesome.


I'm loving being inside you more and more. Do you like it? Do you like me inside you?

It's... okay, I suppose. I'm getting used to it.

Yeah, everyone complains at first, but once you lay back and let the muscles relax it starts to get pretty enjoyable.

Wait, what are we talking about now?


Right, it's just that you make it sound a lot like... y'know what? Never mind. Moving on. HOLY SHIT A DRAGON!

I know, right? How awesome is that? You should run though, because it's about to burn you into an ugly little crisp. Because your character is ugly.

I got it. Okay, so I've escaped and now this guy wants me to follow him to a stranger's house.

It's cool, he isn't going to molest you or anything.

You'll forgive me for not believing you, given the circumstances.

Hey, what I'm doing all up in your quivering brain is a beautiful thing. There's this big taboo about it, but I've known some women who have just loved it, man.


Of course, what else would I be talking about?

Nevermind. Look, I've been picking a lot of flowers and stuff. I'm assuming there's a point to it.

Oh, yeah, you can be an Alchemist if you lilke. You can turn those ingredients into potions and either use them in your travels or sell them on for a profit. Skyrim has a fully functioning economy.

I'm impressed.

Thanks, I pride myself on the size and girth of my brain probe.

That isn't remotely what I was talking about. Not even at all.

Oh, it's just that you hadn't mentioned it and I was getting a bit self-concious.

I can't even feel it!

That's just cruel. Why would you say that at a time like this? How am I supposed to perform now?

I'm sorry. This is all very confusing.

You're just a probe-tease. That's what you are.

I didn't mean anything by it. I'm not used to having my brain probed.

Just... keep playing the game.

Okay, so, I'm walking to High Hrothgar now, to meet the Greybeards.

Oh, those guys are okay. Just go along with all their dramatics and you'll learn some Dragon Shouts.

Those sound great.

Yeah, they're pretty sweet. Like the sweet love I'm making to your brain.


Hey... what are you doing?

I'm forcing you out.

No, don't. Stop clenching your mind-sphincter. It'll only make it worse!

Get out!

No, we haven't reached the climax! Of the game!


Fine, but don't come crawling back to me when you realise that you can't live without my tender probing.

You need help.

... I know.


I hope this guide helped you in some way, although I really can't see how it could have. Thanks for reading!

I rent most of my games. I'm notoriously easy to bore, so I don't like to buy a game if it isn't going to keep me interested until the end. I had Dark Souls through the door yesterday, popped it to one side while I went through the rest of the mail and then found the scattered remnants of the game strewn throughout the lounge about 30 seconds later. So now I have to pay for a ruined game that I didn't even get a chance to play!

I'm told my fury was terrible to behold.

That's not true. I just sighed, shook my head, glanced at Merlin who was looking at me with the sort of epic guilt-face only a dog can achieve, and then blamed it all on my girlfriend for buying a bloody dog in the first place. Then I apologised to my girlfriend for blaming her, took one last look at the mound of plastic that used to be Dark Souls, swept it all away and played Skyrim for a few hours to calm myself.

I'm thinking if I just buy a preowned copy of the game (with a disc in good condition), ask the rental guys to send me a new case and return envelope (Merlin ate those, too) and then send it all back with a picture of myself looking really innocent, they might just fall for it. Plus, it'll mean I can actually play the game before returning it, which was kind of the whole point to begin with, you Goddamn dog!