Everything seemed just fine in the world of game journalism. Hopes were high, standards were low and Electronic Arts finally sent me a check for writing my 9/10 review for SimCity. I didn't even get a chance to play it yet! But over the horizon loomed something sinister. A storm cloud of debauchery. A tidal wave of wrongness. A natural disaster metaphor of something not good.
Enter Dragon's Crown
, a game I don't actually care about but will proceed to talk about anyway because I am upset. A side-scrolling skeleton encounter simulator published by Atlus for the PlayStation 3 and PlayStation Oh-Yeah-I-Forgot-About-That-Thing. A seemingly harmless game on the surface, but once submerged you discover the true nature of this ocean of poor ethics. It all seems to have a standard and acceptable array of character classes: the Warrior with Rob Liefeld male proportions, the Dwarf with Rob Liefeld male proportions and the Amazon with Rob Liefeld male AND female proportions.
But then we have the Sorceress, who seems to have been given Japanese
Rob Liefeld proportions.
Great Caesar's back brace, just look at those! What were they thinking? Were the publishers deliberately trying to appeal to some kind of breast-loving demographic? Are they MAD?! Well I'm certainly mad! I'm mad and you should be too, readers. This game is a degrading pimp-hand into the face of women everywhere. I'm not a woman myself, but I certainly know that NO woman on Earth would approve of this. Well, maybe the lesbos would, but they don't count. They're more like pseudowomen.
As you can imagine, the whole blogosphere is aflame over this controversial topic. "ARGGH BLARGGH," said a man wearing his fedora on Tumblr. "ARRGH BAGLRAGH RARR GRARR." But there are some who would disagree with that sentiment. "ABLOO BLOO," said another man wearing a fedora on /r/MensRights. "ABLOO BLOO BLOO HOO HOO." But no matter which side of this debate you happen to be on, one thing is assured; you are probably wearing a fedora right now.
It truly sickens me that someone can get away with this in 2013. This isn't the funbag scourge of 2012, or even the mammary infested dark age that was the year 2011. I've already sent a very polite and aggressively backhanded letter to the developers explaining why my opinions should dictate what to put in their game. We can only pray they'll cave to our demands so we can all go back to living in a modest, small-breasted world and return to our wholesome gaming past time of slaughtering ethnic minorities.