Continuing his never-ending quest to protect the public from non-existent threats, UK prime minister and Conservative party leader, David Cameron has proposed new laws that would criminalise the act of shoving Skylanders up the arse. This comes shortly after the government imposed much tighter regulations on the UK porn industry, but Cameron believes these recent changes are not enough.
"There are some real sickos out there," announced Cameron, in a manner so stiff, you could have sworn he was a Skylanders figure himself. "This is a really depraved and decadent society we live in today. A world that sells stilettos where the heels are buttplugs, a world that makes Sapphire Blue Anal Beads that cost 120£, a world where grown men and women shove children's toys up their anuses. It's time we rounded these people up and throw them in the one place where no one can shove foreign objects into their anus: prison."
After the news, a public opinion poll showed that most were both curious and befuddled by the speech. Many responded that they had never seen or heard of any case where anyone had put a Skylander figure up their chungus. In fact, of all the people that participated, no one had even thought about it, let alone commit the act of slowly sliding a cheeky Skylander in and out of ones bum hole, until Cameron had mentioned it in his speech. Some seemed to get excited the more the spoke about it.
In unrelated news, sales of Activion's popular Skylanders series have now tripled. To celebrate, Activision has suggested creating some sort of Skylanders branded stilettos.
Destructive Creations, the videogame developer behind the controversial 'Hatred' has decided to cancel a planned sequel after both fans the media had reacted poorly to previews.
Set in the present day, 'Hatred 2' would have put players in the shoes of Michael Brown, a 43 year old white male police officer who goes on a rampage and starts killing unarmed black men. The game was first revealed to the public at a recent press event where a trailer was premiered. But the reaction from the audience was not what Jarosław Zieliński, Destructive Creations CEO and his team were hoping for.
"People just didn't seem too phased by the contents of the game," Said Zieliński, "After successfully upsetting everyone with our first title, we wanted to make something that was even more outrageous, even more shocking with the sequel. But all we got was general apathy."
Zieliński recalls an exciting moment when he thought he'd seen a journalist gasp in horror, only to be later informed that said journalist was merely yawning.
"It's like everyone has seen this sort of thing so many times before that they've become desensitised to it, you know? They're just so accustomed to seeing innocent black men die. Police brutality has kind of gotten boring at this point, and we pride ourselves on not making boring games at Destructive Creations, only ones in poor taste. We had to cancel the game."
But Owen, a 26 year old white, male gamer disagrees with Jarosław Zieliński's assertions. He argues that the reason why the game wasn't controversial is because the black men killed aren't innocent. According to him, some weren't even unarmed. "There ain't nothing controvertial about killing thugs." Declares Owen, as he scratches his beard with the barrel of his shotgun.
"Look the level at the gas station for example. The black guy is holding a gas pump in his hand, which could far too easily be mistaken for a gun from a distance. And if you're standing in a gas station with something that vaguely looks like a gun, you're pretty asking to be burned to crisp by a giant explosion. You're asking for it."
Right now, Destructive Creations has decided to move onto other projects. One of there more promising ones has players take control of a man who sexually harasses women on the street. The team hopes that people will actully care enough to be outraged by it.