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9:40 PM on 02.14.2012

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #16 Greasy Notch Edition

F**K YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIENDS/BOYFRIENDS/PROTOPLASMIC BEINGS. Can you tell I didn't get a Valentines card today? Because I totally DIDN'T GET A VALENTINES CARD TODAY! When the only thing you have to look forward to is Paula Deen and her cooking grease, you kind of get the idea why I'm wound up tighter that Paul McCartney at a Prosthetics convention. Any who, Vidja geamz!!

Not much I can say that hasn't been regurgitated 1000 times by Kotaku so here's a slimmed version:

Notch offers to fund Psychonauts 2. Like REALLY fund it. People go crazy.
Kotaku does Article on Paula Deen.
Tim Schafer say "TROLOLOL" and asks fans to fund a game that isn't Psychonauts 2. asks for $400,000
24 hours later $1.1 million dollars raised. Time remaining: 32 days.
Kotaku releases 3rd Paula Deen article of the week about how she redefined gaming for us.

Hey people still disappointed at that MMO Star Trek game released a while ago? Good, beacuse you have more disappointment, because another crappy game is on the way. Being made by Digital Extremes and published by Paramount and Namco Bandi. Hegh Daq Hoch [damn] 'oH

"Why Mr.WelshEdderz you hunk of a man", I hear you ask "Didn't we all ready have a LittleBigPlanet Kart Racing game You sexy beast?". No I don't believe we did. "Sure we did it was called Mod Nation..." SHUT YOU'RE WHORE MOUTH DAMNIT...


Next story.

Blizzard finally decided to stop counting the cash this week when someone... Sorry, when Valve tried to step on their turf. Basically Blizzard don't like the fact that Valve are trying take the term DOTA from them. So yeah, all we can hope for is a Kotick Vs. Newell Weiner wrestling match at the end.

Also, as of when this blog goes up, the Mass Effect 3 demo for 360 and PC is out. No PS3 demo??? Well not until tomorrow because Bioware (LITERALLY) left it to the last minuet to inform us. Bellends.

Well no one entered last week, so I'll do my own...

Yep, I'm in that kind of mood set guys. And here's this weeks caption:

Have a good two weeks my Destructoid chums and see ya next time.   read

11:35 PM on 01.31.2012

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #15 The Resistance Be Tripping Edition

What is up my Nigerian princes and welcome to another brain meltingly bad blog done by yours truly. Another fun fortnight has passed and many pairs of under have been changed. Because, quite frankly, I get shit done. Sexy blog time... INITIATE.

BIG NEWS FOLKS. Bioshock: Infinite is getting a special difficulty. Apparently it will make it so that every choice you make, from weapon upgrades to plasmids, will effect the game itself. Captain obvious ladies and gentleman.

In something that was more inevitable than surprising Resident Evil 6 was announced this past 2 weeks with a trailer to go with it. Showing all bits of juicy details which got the internet ablaze with stupid rumours, like "Will it have a cover based system?", "Who's that guy called Wesker?" and my favourite "Tits?". Also it's coming out 20/10/12.

In some news that will have Jim Sterling sticking that predator toy up his ass a few months longer to get that "Special" feeling, Aliens: Colonial Marines has been push back from spring 2012 to Fall 2012.

Well the Rumour has been in overtime mode the past couple of weeks, with Xbox 720 being at the forefront. With such juicy ones like a 2013 release date (or 2014. or 2015), it will use a AMD's 6670 chip, it will use a system that will kill used games, more kinect focused, possible reveal at E3 2012. Be warned this is most likely all crap.

Insomniac said That they where finished with the Resistance franchise this past week, making PS3 and 360 fanboys pick up arms and ready for WAR! Thinking that Resistance was finished. It isn't, crisis averted.

Last week was an awesome one for the caption, but there can only be one...

Occams electric toothbrush. congrates. Cookies should arrive between 20-30 years. And this weeks caption is...

Have fun Dtoiders, and see ya next time.   read

8:45 PM on 01.17.2012

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #14 Paula Deen's Twisted Souls Edition

Well hello there my dear fellows and welcome to another blog in which I act out my fantasy's with barbed wire, blow torches and Paula Deen's refrigerator. Another eventful fortnight has passed and I have yet to sleep so let us begin.

For those looking for the next manly man's game in which you are a shooty soldier who shots things with guns, bad news I'm afraid. Ghost Recon: Future Soldier has been delayed until may. Originally meant to release in March, but due to Mass Effect 3 was pushed back... Oh come on like there was any other reason.

Well hot shit-a-brick with a puddle stick, those of you unlucky enough to have bought SKYRIM on PS3 (me damn well included) are in with a bit of luck. Bethesda has the 1.4 patch gearing up and ready to go for January and looks to be the one that solves those pesky frame rate issues. Well, a two month wait isn't bad.

Twisted Metal has a release date of February 14. David Jaffe pissed people off because he's David "Fecking" Jaffe.

In something that both confused, delighted and all around mind f**ked the gaming world last week, a new XCOM game was announced. This one (called XCOM Enemy Unknown) is sticking to the original XCOM gameplay formula as an isometric strategy style. So will all the cry babies stop whining about it trying to be Call of Duty now please? Thought not.

Well Dark Souls got mentioned in the same sentence as PC and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! Petitions where set up to get the game to PC and YouTubers like Total Biscuit where even giving it go. No word yet on what's happening, but get the tissues at the ready, and lube just in case.

Rumours have been flying about the past few days that THQ had cancelled their entire 2014 game line-up. No reason was given other than Saints Row The Third had sold a shit ton. Althought they came out yesterday and said that this was false due to the fact they have not touched the cocaine fund, so they're good until 2015 at least.

Well that was a long and convoluted blog, Even for me. But before I say sayonara the caption contest, and last weeks winner was...

Knutaf Congrats on that. It made me laugh a good 36 seconds. and this weeks caption is...

Make of it what you will. I call it masturbation material. Have a good two weeks Dtoiders and see you next time.   read

11:43 PM on 01.03.2012

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #13 The ROID RAGE Edition

So heeey... Been a while. 3 weeks? really?! sorry about that but I'm Muslim and had all these backed up holidays and I had to use them. Any who...

Well I picked a hell of a time to disappear with everything that happened. So lets jump straight in and get this monstrosity of a blog started.

Bethesda announced that SKYRIM Has shipped 10 million copies since launch. Not bad for a poor mans WoW. It isn't even online for STD sake. Jokes aside it was the second biggest release of last year. Second only to Dark Souls.

Looks like Square Enix found themselves in a very compromising situation. They left themselves wide open it seems to being penetrated by hackers, it would appear with obvious concerns to users information. Fortunately the offenders left without anything embarrassing being leaked.

Aaa S.T.A.L.K.E.R., the game played when Fallout 3 on very hard was too easy for people. With 3 games and over 4 million units sold, when is the official S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2 coming out... never? Apparently GSC Game World was being shut with S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2 going with them it seemed. But the official twitter offered a sign of hope saying an olive branch had come up and perhaps not all was lost. more news is due in January. Cross those pie fingering fingers.

This ones been done to death so I'll give a brief description:

Guy called paul gets asked question about product via email he PR's for. Acts unprofessional.

Gets called out on being dick by customer, proves said person correct in assumption.

Costumer makes clear that Paul is being dick, Paul reverts into online teenage gamer mode. Is not very Effective.

Mike Krahulik of Penny arcade and PAX fame sees e-mails and paul being dick. Paul becomes provoked.

Paul acts out saying he knows the Mayor of Boston and the yellow power ranger. Also has booth at germany (???).

Mike Krahulik says paul not allowed at PAX. Mike uses confusion, IS SUPER EFFECTIVE.


Paul becomes quickest internet meme in history.

Loses job for behaviour. Holds former company's e-mails hostage.

Paul faints.

Well that was a fun one. And the winner from the caption competition last time was... Corduroy Turtle!!!
Yes he was the only one to enter, still quite an awesome caption though:

And here's this weeks caption:

Extra cookies if you know who the guy is. And yes there is a specific reason for the choise. Three words:





Be inventive this week folks. Please.

see ya next time Toiders.   read

7:35 PM on 12.13.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #12 The Hot Cupcake Action Edition

Hello my dystopian Necrophiliacs and welcome to that time of week where I basically vent my anger and rage at kitties and sickeningly cute pictures of the world. No guess that the VGAs have a part in this weeks blog so feel free to tune out now...

Still here? Then LET'S GET THIS S**T DONE SON!

In a piece of what can only be described as witchcraft Bastion (developed by supergiantgames) was released for Chrome... The web browser. And you thought Skyrim was a technical marvel, you silly sociopaths.

Rumours were abound this past week that Shigeru Miyamoto was retiring, creating a s**t storm of unprecedented natural disasters... like shareholders pooping themselves. Nintendo later made it clear he wasn't retiring and just focusing on "Smaller Projects". Good save Nintendo, good save.

VGAs happened. Guy dressed in Army gear and T-bagged people on stage. felicia day went bobbing for cupcakes. Basically their the MTV awards of gaming.

The new Xbox dashboard update was released this past week and HOLY HELL WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU NETFLIX? To be far they also integrated kinect more and adverts taking up a big part of the dashboard. But don't worry, you still ONLY pay $60 dollars to keep LIVE running.

Well that's pretty much all the stuff I can do without going to jail for. And I also had an Idea (which I TOTALLY didn't rob off Corduroy Turtle I swear), where I'll put a picture up and see who can come up with the best caption. The winner will get internet cookies. Disclaimer: Winner will not in fact get internet cookies

So here's your picture for this week

Happy trails and have a good week my Dtoid chums. See ya next week.   read

7:42 PM on 12.06.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #11 Pepper Spray You're Mum Edition

Hello and welcome to this weeks poorly written blog for news from the past 2 weeks. Yes, last week I had a very bad case of the "Kill all the nuns and hide the body's". Or as you call them, Mondays. No worry's, I managed to get the blood out of my hair. Eventually.

Remember a while back when Dead Space 3 was *sort of* announced with a bunch of information as to what it was going to be about. Well turns out a WHOLE load of information has has leaked about the future of the Dead Space, including a First Person Shooter, a flight style game and an "Uncharted" like dead Space. Well f**k a doodle doo, they really want to ruin this francise early don't they.

Sony fanboys nearly went bats**t crazy these past 2 weeks when it was rumoured Fumito Ueda had left Sony. Don't know who he is? THEN GET SOME CULTURE YOU BRAINLESS TWOT. Basically he's the guy making The Last Guardian. Yes the game is still in development. No I don't know how manly children I've sacrificed to keep it alive. Lost count at 23.

Black Friday happened last Thursday and to my surprise not a damn Black pudding or penguin was to be seen in the states. But a woman pepper spraying 20 people so she could get a Xbox 360 was to be seen. Well, sort of.

Oceans parted, statues cried, clouds danced in memories and a bowel movement happened somewhere in the world in memoriam of this event. That's right, the parody twitter account of Peter Molyneux, known as Peter Molydeux was suspended. Thankfully it's back up and continues with it's awesome tweets like "You know in cut scenes when it says "3 months later..."? What if the game ACTUALLY locked your save file for 3 months?"

Something to do with Half Life 3 with a little merit behind it and the Internet exploded. Cows give birth. Occams electric toothbrush said something unhumanly weird but awesome. All these things have happened in the past 2 weeks but the one I'm talking about is Half Life 3 being possibly, emphasis on the *POSSIBLY* announced.

Well thats enough mind f**kery for this blog. Be sure to troll me about Half Life 3 and how messed up in my non-existant brain I am. Also come back in about a week to see my next blog if for some reason you had a giggle out of this.

See ya next time Toiders.   read

8:39 PM on 11.22.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #10 Trolololol Edition

Hi, Hello, Sup, Greetings, Salutations, What up bitches and any other welcome that you freaky marsupials use greet each other. I'm a teeny weeny bit late but I had errands to do and skeletal dragons to kill. Also I Herped the Derped all the way home. Yep, me nether.

Minecraft was finally released this week, which confused everyone with an IQ above 20. One of the first things Notch tweeted after it's release was that he was going on vacation... for the third time this year. Da fuq dude?

News that a new game-to-movie conversion was in the works, this time being a move of Rampage. I wish I was Joking about this one. No info on it's release, But who diddly dumb f**k cares. Furries Probably.

A law that will almost (if not completly) destroy the online gaming community called SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) is being put through the US justice clusterf**k. Ironically it would do anything but stop piracy. First time I saw the word SOPA I thought it was something you use to wipe your ass with. After reading into it, I know it is.

Horror hit those waiting for the next great hack 'n slash, Torchlight was delayed until "early 2012". Good thing in my opinion since it will only be going up against shitty sequels Mass Effect 3 and Max Payne 3. And the poor man's Torchlight "Diablo 3".

Sorry again my Filipino amigos. Although why I am apologising I have no idea since you should be liking my feet with gratitude... I have weird fantasy's. Don't look at me like that, damnit. See ya next week peps.   read

7:06 PM on 11.14.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #9 The Mighty Moobs Edition

Before I start this weeks blog and begin the assault upon your brains a heads up of what I've done for the past few days: SKYRIM SKYRIM SKYRIM SKYRIM SKYRIM SKYRIM SKYRIM SKYRIM. Well some other games came out to but who da f**k cares. There I said, WHAT KNOW HATERS!? Beside that only a few things caused my crapbox to kick start and get working. Onwards to crappy photoshop mudda fudgas.

Gabe Newell had something new to add to his resume this past week. As well as having Jim Sterling sized moobs as well as GIVING OUT HIS OWN DAMN PASSWORD, he dropped the biggest proverbial bollock of the lot when it was announced Valve had been hacked. Serves the blubber filled buffon right for making us wait so damn long for Half life 3.

The latest edition to Bobby Kotick's pension fund (otherwise known Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3) was released this braking all kinds bla bla bla bla bla bla bla with a banana peal. Seriously even O J Simpson would cry at that shit.

The latest edition in the "Elders Scrolls" games was released this week titled SKYRIM. As you'd expect it had random dragon encounters, horses that could ride then said dragons and giants that could smack bears over mountains... All of what I just said is true by the way. Also interesting to note is that anyone who doesn't like it is into insest and chases orphans around in clown costumes. Those sick bastards!

This one is for all the Sony lovers out there that like you're wallets being raped. Sony announced a "UMD Passport" which will allow people to get there past PSP games for "A discounted price". Basically what their saying is "Thanks for supporting out shitty platform, for that loyalty we're gong to f**k you over by charging you for games you already bought". Sony everybody. Leading the way in showing they know jack shit about there fan base since 2006.

Well that's the end of another week of me crying out for attention. Hopefully you got something out of this, because I sure as didn't. Also quick note I'm going to be doing a new blog this week (hopefully) about my first day in Skyrim. Keep an eye out for it.

See ya next week fish lovers.   read

9:30 PM on 11.07.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #8 cannibalistic Eskimos Edition

Bit of advice before I start this week, NEVER ask an Eskimo to dance. Turns out dance translates into "eat my guts while I still live" and don't ask how I know this. Just another one of those weeks. Hopefully that hasn't put you off the Eskimos, those beautiful cannibalistic ba****ds. And now for the blog my sweet toothed ball busters.

Well a new Rainbow Six game was announced this week titled "Rainbow Six Patriots". No gameplay other than what they would like to do. If the video is anything is to go by, then get ready for "Heavy rain : Gameplay Edition". Basically, it looks like shite.

From Software announced this week that Dark Souls has shipped 1.5 million copies worldwide. Also released this week was the worldwide crime statistics, showing a massive increase in assault and murder cases. I blame the damn Eskimos.

So anyone remember Dead Island? That bland, boring, glitchy unfinished piece of... anyway turns out the cocky little turtles at Techland may be making a sequel. Apparently called "Dead World" it will take place on a ferry which is inhabited by irradiated poodle dogs and armadillos.

So the nominees for the VGAs Game of The Year where announced this week (yes, people still give a damn about the VGAs for some reason), and many a Gears of War fanboy cried out in rage because Portal 2 was nominated and not their beloved Gears 3. My choice for this year is that the VGAs just falls over and dies before slowly choking Geoff Keighley with its stench of cheapness.

Well I'm off to hunt down the last of the Eskim... I mean peeping toms who stole my bike. Also, I'm off to seek out new stories and terrible puns. May actually become bearable at some point. Have fun and see you next week toiders.   read

8:23 PM on 10.31.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) #7 The Hooker Killing Simulator Edition

I'M BAAAAACK. Grab you pitchforks and light your torches because I'm bringing sexy time back. well, kind of I mean... screw it, I have self esteem issue's and there's not a damn thing one of you imaginary pickle lovers can say about it. I'm doing these blogs whether you like or not. If you do like them however, you should probably socialise a bit more. ONWARDS TO COOKIES!

One of the most awesome things I've seen the past two weeks was a live action trailer for Skyrim. What impressed me so much was the fact they managed to make something around the fantasy genre look cool. Then I remembered all the Scrolls geeks and drowned in my tears.

So some cocky little ba****d thought he'd pull the tough guy routine and play Dark Souls, and complete in 1 hour, 26 minuets and 28 seconds. And to rub salt in the wound of us mere mortals he then KNOWINGLY deletes the save. The snot nosed unicorn rapist.

So Grand Theft Auto 5 was announced this week with many a psychotic gamer getting their guns out ready to kill the unsuspecting public with excitement. Well that's what Fox news said anyway. All I want to see is how they've improved the hooker physics when I strangle them.


Doctor Who had to work over time this week people. By some Black Magic Harrison Ford was made to play Uncharted 3 and, well... WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT! INDIANA F**KING JONES PLAYING NATHAN DRAKE IN UNCHARTED!

And because I made a (sort of) promise, here's a My Little Pony pumpkin for manasteel88. Don't say I never did anything for you brother.

And there comes to an end my delusion made real for another week (well, two weeks this time). Be sure to spread you venom over this blog. It just make me stronger. Have a good week and Happy Halloween.   read

6:18 PM on 10.17.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) # 6 My Little Pony Edition

OW HAI. HOW ARE YOU? HOW IS YOUR SEX LIFE? These questions and many more rolled through my head this past week. Trying to find out the meaning of life, or the purpose of rotten fish. But one question pops up more than any other... why the hell does patrick stewart's head look like a giant boob? also i did some doodles on some moderately funny pictures. with some words underneath. This might as well be playboy.

Jak and Dexter was announced to be getting HD'd this week with Naughty Dog still laughing there asses off at the online pass for Uncharted 3. I will always remember Jak and Dexter because it introduced me to the fabulous world of FURRIES.

Brace yourself folks, Leisure Suit Larry is getting a sequel. Do I really have to make a joke about this? There's a cat picture above. He is disappoint.

Remember that thing that was a thing 6 months back with Sony? Noooo, not that thing the other thing about about hacking. Well turns out the RECOCKULOUS bugger suits at Sony might have done it again with another hacking attempted this past week. I knew that 100 on rainbow midget S&M sextapes wasn't mine. Midgets are unnatural and should be feed to the honey Badgers. Yeah,I went their.

Well the waves and flashes of stupidity and all around dumb assery of my brain came to an abrupt end. partly due to work, partly due to the body's I need to get rid of. TOTALLY because Spongebob and My little Pony came on TV. Don't judge me, because i don't care. LOLKTHXBI. See ya next toiders.   read

5:25 PM on 10.10.2011

Rubbish News (with Crappy Pictures) # 5 Sexy Time Edition

Well hot diggity damn it's that time of the week again. Unfortunately not many things caught my artistic eye this week. Yeah I said artistic, you think I've never heard of leonardo dicaprio and that Mona Lisa he did. Also I have no chance of having the most f**ked up blog this week due to the fact Occams electric toothbrush has one this week. So yeah, dick move dude, dick move. ONWARD WITH THE CRAPPY HUMOUR!

The eagerly awaited second coming of Jesus from id Tech (otherwise known as RAGE) was released this week leaving gamers, ironically, Raging (I am a genius). A multitude of issues caused the game to fall fowl of a few gamers and critics alike. The main glitch I had with it was the fact that I couldn't play in the HUGE OPEN WORLD that was promised.

The end of the world is upon us folks. Confirmation that a FarmVille movie is in the works. Whatever gods you people pray too, you'ed best start praying. AND DON'T. F**KING. STOP!

The big build up to the full sony "Long Live Play" trailer this week reached fever pitch with it's release. And it turned out to be the best disappointment in the history of ever. Seriously, it's like watching a bus full of orphans crashing and exploding before seeing a phoenix rise from the ashes. It's that damn awesome.

Well another bad blog from yours truly is done for another week. I would say I hope you enjoyed it but if you did, get yourself checked out. I have no idea where I have been for the past week. See ya'll on the outer fringes of my mind next week.   read

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