So two weeks ago I decided I needed DOTA . Not want, but NEED. I proceeded to show my need by following a complete stranger into a van after being promised candy, even though I asked if he had DOTA 2. The next two days are fuzzy BUT, I do remember horses. Also sheep. Lots and lots of majestic looking, flying sheep. Cut a long story short, I didn't get one. Ended up bribing someone on the net.

Fast-forward to two days ago and Valve sends me a 12 of these mother thumpers. Thought about selling them for "sexual favors", turns out no is up for "licking in between my toes". So I thought "Huh, if only there was a place where I could off load all these OH SHIT A SPIDER KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT. . .". After a bloody war that took the lives of many a prostitute I thought that maybe you guy may want them. I have 12 to give away and it's first come, first serve.

All you need to do is comment Or suck my toes, either will do. Just be sure to put your Steam ID below. And to finish off, I give you . . . this guy.




FYI I did nothing to the picture above, Tis 100% legit. Spread the word if you're not interested, I would like to give them all out. Thanks again and see ya next blog DToiders.

So it's been a while since I've done one of these but it seems my stupidity has only grown since the last time I did this. Which can only be a good thing (or bad, depending on your point of view), since I have all these built up ideas to share with you all! Or maybe I just need to poop? Still haven't figured out the two yet. Well this one is gonna be bit different, I mean it's still going to be a cluster fuck of unfathomable proportions, but instead of the past week or two it's gonna be my favorite things of the past year.

Ready? No, your not ready but I just thought I'd do the polite thing and prepare you for the inevitable. Boot up, Strap in and get you kids to the shelter, because here we go. . .



You know those nightmare situations you dream of? Going to school without pants? No toilet paper after you've "Done" the business? Buying a cat and then remembering your FATALLY ALLERGIC TO THEM on the drive home on the motorway doing one hundred million miles an hour? Or how about the one where you broadcast yourself fapping to the entire internet in between games of League of Legends? Because for poor old (well, young I suppose) Andrew "Slooshi" Pham that happened back in October. Remember Kids, Alt+Tab doesn't work. Use protection.



Slender man. That no good, dirty stinking, alimony dodging scum bag of a farther made the news for scaring kids, and men pretending to be kids, this year with the release of the free-to-play game called "Slender: The Eight Pages". Just think of it as a Garry Glitter simulator and you get the idea.



SEXIST! EVERY-FUCKING-THING IS RACIST. I MEAN SEXIST!



What was probably the biggest surprise announcement this year (and of E3 for sure), was the announcement of a brand new I.P. from Ubisoft called "Watch_Dogs" back in june. An open world game in the same vain as GTA with slo-mo shooting and the ability to control parts of the world around you with your super duper magic phone. GET READY FOR DISAPPOINTMENT FOLKS.



What was probably the biggest surprise announcement this year (and of the VGA's for sure), was
the announcement of. . . Huh, this seems familiar? Basically Dark souls 2 was announced in December and the SQUEALS of joy from Knutaf could be heard all around the world.



Nintendo, here's a word of advice: when a large part of your demographic isn't old enough to watch spongebob yet, teaching them a non-existent word that the 90's would be ashamed of is a VERY bad idea. Know what's an even worse idea Nintendo? Making me fall off my bike. Yea done goofed son. Yea done goofed. ESPECIALLY JUST BEFORE THE CHRISTMAS MONTH!

Well it's been one hell of a year guys and a damn crazy eventful one at that. seeings as it's the 31st and all I might as well get this out of the way: This was the year I took to Destructoid like a fly to takes to a fresh doody. . . basically what I mean is this is the first site I have ever taken an active interest in. Hell at the beginning of the year I was doing one of these blogs a week I was that invested with you guys.

From the Ten-boners-A-Minuet Community manager that is Mr.Andy Dixon to the Poetic Insanity that is Occams Electric Toothbrush, one thing unlike any other site I have ever been to was evident: This is a community to it's foundations. I'd damn well go as far to say a family, with the cooky uncles and the crazy aunts.

From here on out I'm hoping to be even more involved. Blogs more regularly, commenting and FNF. Because as crazy (or creepy I suppose) as this may sound. . . this is my kind of family.

Stay safe dudes, and have a great new year.

Tom.

1. Thomas 408 up, 94 down
The best boyfriend anyone could ask for. Many people fall in love with him on a daily bases, not many can resist his charm and humor. Someone who has a great personality. Not to mention he is an absolute god in bed. Thomas is the sweetest guy you will ever meet, you can talk to him about anything under the sun. He is every girl's knight in shinning armor.
I love you Thomas J. S. you are my best friend and boyfriend <3
tom sex love knight dream
by Meeselover69 Jul 5, 2011

2. Thomas 901 up, 338 down
- <noun> a very complicated guy to figure out, yet someone who has the personality and persona of the most likeable characteristics, such as humor, spontaneity, charm, kindness, willingness, persuasiveness, intelligence, control, helpfulness, friendliness; someone who is very attractive in more ways besides his outer appearance, and most of all, has the ability to love.
I wish I still had my Thomas S. because he was the best thing that ever happened to me.
love personality friendliness attractive likeable
by Coping Survival May 29, 2009

3. Thomas 297 up, 106 down
A man who stands tall, and is unafraid. Posses a rare super power known as Common Sense. Uses logic to help rid the world of stupid. Has an above average penis (both in length and width).
My name is Thomas, and I can help you from yourself!

He is such a Thomas!
thomas common sense penis super power logic
by MechTech Sep 1, 2010

4. Thomas 5029 up, 2203 down
The best boyfriend a girl can ask for. Will do anything for you and will love you with all his heart. Any girl who dates him will be the happiest girl on the planet.
That blonde hair, green eyed kid over there is such a Thomas, Olivia is so lucky to have him.
xby Olivia Nicole Aug 25, 2008

5. Thomas 6590 up, 2919 down
A Teenage white kid that has an abnormally large penis usually ranging to 7.5 inches to 8
"Wow never knew he had that he must have been a Thomas"
dick penis black white teenager
by Thomas 61 May 17, 2008

6. thomas 2812 up, 1259 down
a person who is very gifted intellectually but does not apply himself, and yet still accomplishes many lofty feats
Jack is such a thomas, did you see his score on the math test, it was so good and he wasn't even here for any of the lessons
thomas intellectual gifted smart cool
by Lucas Greville Dec 22, 2007

7. Thomas 1408 up, 618 down
Most often a white man with a very large penis ranging from 6.5 - 8.5 inches. While the individual may or may not realize it he is such a stud that women and a few men find him to be irresistible and would do thing for and with him they normally wouldn't do. While a Thomas may be a nice guy on the outside they are a freakin' stud in bed and drive women wild.
When I walked in on Thomas in the bathroom I never knew a white boy could be so huge!
hot stud sexy man you know you want some pure sex big dick big balls
by Teetown Mar 15, 2009

End of Page One

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You heard it here folks: Awesome boyfriend with big penis and an intelligent white teenager.


FYI I'm actually 23

Hey you. YEAH YOU. YOU WITH THE COPY OF MASS EFFECT 3. The entitled f**ker who's demanding a different ending to Mass Effect 3. You're 3.5 BILLION YEARS of evolution... FUCKING ACT LIKE IT YOU POMPOUS TIT WART. Also I don't have Mass Effect 3 yet so stop trying to ruin it for me... Shall we get started?





Starting off the blog with a bit of non gaming news this week (ZING MOTHER FUDGERS ZING). The developers of the in-no-way-shit-your-pants-scary game The Dark Meadow, Phosphor Games, Announced it was going to be Free-2-Play as of this week. So yeah, if you looking for something to shit yourself over, look at the fact "Free-2-play" is still a thing and Engrish still takes a back seat in society.





I seriously can never do one blog without mentioning Valve. But hey, it's hip and cool with the kids of today so why the hell not. Rumours where abound that Valve where creating a "Steam Box". A piece of hardware designed to be a base line model PC, but with interchangeable parts from different manufacturers labled as "VALVE CERTIFIED".


The hell is episode 3 Valve?





Good news for people who like playing games that are crap until you're told they aren't. Deadly Premonition is getting a PS3 release. Titled "Deadly Premonition: Directors Cut", The release date isn't yet confirmed. Also points for originality on the title guys. what was the back up? Deadly Premonition: REVELATIONS?





So a new SimCity got announced in the past couple weeks along with Medal of Honor: Warfighter. But all that was overshadowed by the fact the directer of "An Inconvenient Truth" droped by and said "Clean your act up or I'mma have to merc some bitches Asses." Also, this is true by the way, they looked the doors so people couldn't get out.





More info got released about Assassins Creed 3 with a trailer confirming it was indeed set in the American Revolution, as well as a new engine being used. I got nothing. People went from "meh, another ASSCREED game HUR HUR DEEEEERP" to "MERICA FUCK YEAAAAAH".





Last I checked, when developers create game engines, it was a long term investment. HELL look at valve. Source has been out since 2005 and they're still using it. So why in the H-E Double L has Quantic made one game and are now showing their new engine off? Just... What the frick man? What the frick?





So World of Warcraft is still relevant? Guess I'll talk about it then. Turns out that if you invite a friend who used to play WoW and you get them to buy 2 or more months of subscription, Blizzard will give you a level 80 character. For Free. I shit Ye not.


Well hot damn that was a fun one. And to name last weeks caption winner...





ME! Because I'm awesome. And here be this weeks caption picture...





Have fun, be safe and See ya next Dtoiders.

Hey what is up and welcome to another crappy ass tasting blog where nothing gets accomplished, procrastination levels get over 9000 and you all want to kill me that little bit more painfully. Also I give advice on improving your love life, tip for this week: THEY WILL ONLY DISAPPOINT YOU. Onwards...





What on Earth caused the Pope to seize up in surprise, Justin Biebers balls to drop and Madonna to act her age. That's right... ASSASSINS CREED 3 WAS ANNOUNCED!!! "WHAT?!?" I hear you ask "A game series only outdone in it's release schedule by the Call of Duty games? Surely not!" I'm afraid So. Not only that, but it got a firm release date of 30th October 2012 too.





Following up on their money grab... I mean ingenious plan to release GTA3 on smartphones, Rockstar have said they will be releasing Max Payne on ios and android systems this year. Not only that but the game will have all new HD textures. MONEY GRABBING ASSHOLES.





In what I can only imagine people jumping for joy before changing their underwear this past week, Frictional games announced a new Amnesia game titled "Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs" in colaboration with thechineseroom (the guys behind Dear Esther). Basically, pre pair to shit yourselves again.





In something of a, how you say, SURPRISE this week, a new set of Pokemon games where announced. But not any old Pokemon games, direct sequels to Pokemon Black & White. Could it be that mabey, juuust maybe, the developers are running out of ideas for Pokemon? NOOOO surely not, I mean with such stellar stories like Red and blue. And who could forget the heart ripping, roller coaster ride that was Gold and Silver. *Pokerface.jpeg*





Alan Wake was released for PC this past 2 weeks, and in what made Microsoft look a bit fuck-nut stupid, not only did it make its money back, but did so in style. The style being recouping all PC production costs in 48 hours. OW MICROSOFT, You redface pillock twots.



Mr. Andy Dixon at his weekly MDA (Mountain Dew Anonymous) meeting


Who bought Killzone 3... anyone? Anyone at all... Well here's your chance to try out the online portion of said title for, wait for it... FREE. Yep, starting the 28th February you can download the online component of Killzone 3. The catch? Although you can play as much as you want, your character can only level up to level 10. Also all the DLCs come free if the online too. so go get it I guess.





And in a late arrival to this blog Jet Set Radio is getting a rerelease on PSN, Xbox Live and PC. Have to mention this because my twitter feed would not shut up about. HAPPY NOW MOM!


Well This was a long old trek through my wasteland of a brain this week wasn't it? So lets find out the winner from the last blog shall we...





Elsa. Congrats on the win. The cookies are in the oven as we speak Mandarin. And here is this blogs entry...





Stay safe, have fun and see ya next time Toiders.

F**K YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIENDS/BOYFRIENDS/PROTOPLASMIC BEINGS. Can you tell I didn't get a Valentines card today? Because I totally DIDN'T GET A VALENTINES CARD TODAY! When the only thing you have to look forward to is Paula Deen and her cooking grease, you kind of get the idea why I'm wound up tighter that Paul McCartney at a Prosthetics convention. Any who, Vidja geamz!!





Not much I can say that hasn't been regurgitated 1000 times by Kotaku so here's a slimmed version:

Notch offers to fund Psychonauts 2. Like REALLY fund it. People go crazy.
Kotaku does Article on Paula Deen.
Tim Schafer say "TROLOLOL" and asks fans to fund a game that isn't Psychonauts 2. asks for $400,000
24 hours later $1.1 million dollars raised. Time remaining: 32 days.
Kotaku releases 3rd Paula Deen article of the week about how she redefined gaming for us.





Hey people still disappointed at that MMO Star Trek game released a while ago? Good, beacuse you have more disappointment, because another crappy game is on the way. Being made by Digital Extremes and published by Paramount and Namco Bandi. Hegh Daq Hoch [damn] 'oH





"Why Mr.WelshEdderz you hunk of a man", I hear you ask "Didn't we all ready have a LittleBigPlanet Kart Racing game You sexy beast?". No I don't believe we did. "Sure we did it was called Mod Nation..." SHUT YOU'RE WHORE MOUTH DAMNIT...

...

Next story.





Blizzard finally decided to stop counting the cash this week when someone... Sorry, when Valve tried to step on their turf. Basically Blizzard don't like the fact that Valve are trying take the term DOTA from them. So yeah, all we can hope for is a Kotick Vs. Newell Weiner wrestling match at the end.





Also, as of when this blog goes up, the Mass Effect 3 demo for 360 and PC is out. No PS3 demo??? Well not until tomorrow because Bioware (LITERALLY) left it to the last minuet to inform us. Bellends.


Well no one entered last week, so I'll do my own...





Yep, I'm in that kind of mood set guys. And here's this weeks caption:





Have a good two weeks my Destructoid chums and see ya next time.