(image from vgmuseum.com, but I don't want to hotlink)

I'm terrible at finishing games. I'll get 75, 80, even 90% through the game and then I just quit. And for some sick reason, I keep buying new games! What's wrong with me?

Unfortunately, gold coins don't drip from my fingertips like they used to, but my insatiable craving for new games has stayed pretty much the same. I thought of a few different moneymaking ideas: selling art, finding a higher-paying job, prostitution, but then it dawned on me: I can just sell my old games! Genius. Thank you, used CD exchange, for preventing my doing actual work and rewarding me for pawning my garbage!

One problem: I'm a pack rat. Seriously. Any game with good multiplayer instantly is taken out of the "sell" pile. So is any classic game collection, or even just a game with good single player that I may want to try again. What does that leave? My unfinished games pile.

But I can't just sell these games. I need to see the endings! Maybe, just maybe, some people will make out at the end. So, that leaves me to actually plod through endgame dungeons I don't even remember to face unbalanced bosses with my rusty skills. Why don't I just start a new game?

Actually, this is the easiest "job" I've ever done. Being 2-3 hours away from the ending means that it doesn't get tedious. It's not like I've just played it for 15 hours over the past three days, so it's as fresh as a new game. Plus, since I'm not trying to get 100% in the games anymore, I can rush past extra crap that's too hard/boring to do.

In two afternoon I've finished Jak and Daxter and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, and soon Wind Waker, Final Fantasy V & VI, and Ratchet and Clank will be skipping to the credit roll.

My point's simple: If you have a bunch of games that you've, for one reason or another, "shelved," take them out and give them another try. A couple hours isn't a big investment and it'll feel a lot fresher after being in that dusty bookcase for a while.

So, thanks to Excremento's recent Top 50 games list, I decided to give my old GBA Lunar Legend cartridge another try. I have actually logged 60+ hours into this game, but never finished it because I would get bored, drop it, and then pick it up again and start a new game. But this time I decided to take the current file and finish the fight. I rushed through the last couple of dungeons, leveled up my team for an hour to finish the half-hour boss fight against Ghaleon (I tend to under-level my team in RPG's, so everything in the end is harder than it should be), and watch the ending cutscenes, where Luna, the game's damsel-in-distress, is rescued by yours truly.

Interesting, I got a hug, but no kiss. Well, maybe it's after the credits. No? Well, maybe I pressed A too early and it skipped to the title screen. I'll watch again. Dammit, still no kiss, just a looping midi with a picture of the Earth! The hell! I just saved the entire universe and prevented this girl from sacrificing herself to give the bad guy ultimate power, and I don't even get a PECK ON THE CHEEK?

Why is this such a common occurence in video games? Am I playing the wrong games? I go through all the dungeons, sit through all the "Your princess is in another castles," all the "You need to collect all the pieces of the Triforce," all the "You need to train two more levels to make this last boss battle even plausible," and all I get is a black screen with a bunch of developer's names. What kind of reward is that?

Listen people, I'm not asking for a porn vid at the end of your game. I'm not so sex-starved that I'd be willing to spend 50 hours killing slime and crawling dungeons just for something to jack off to. But come on, if you spend the whole game rubbing in the fact that hero X and princess Y are a match made in heaven, the perfect couple, MAN they are going to have SOOOOOO many kids when this adventure is done, at least, y'know, make them kiss at the end.

Let's ignore my voyeurism for a moment. This guy, whether it's Link, Mario, or Teenage Destined Anime Hero #46, has busted his ass to save the girl, and to just drop the story once iminent world destruction has passed is just cheap. Every Hollywood movie ever with an inkling of plot involving both a man and a woman in life-threatening situations ends in a kiss. We know full well that DVD's/Blu-ray have the space to store tons of video and beautifully-rendered 3d human figures. Can't you developers find it in your heart (and budget) to at least have a frickin' well-drawn/photographed/rendered SINGLE frame where they lock lips? Criminy.

Also, Excremento, if you're reading this: Does the top screenshot appear in the Playstation Lunar Silver Star Story Complete? Because if it does, I will be so pissed at Ubisoft for this GBA port. And I will also be raiding Ebay.

It's a topic that's been touched on before, but current game review systems have issues. Between The Orange Box and Super Mario Galaxy, I have seen a metric crapton of 10/10's on various websites. Sure they may be good games, I'm not arguing otherwise. The problem is is that 10 seems a little high for what are essentially two sequels to successful franchises.

One of the interesting things about indie music review Pitchfork Media is how little they give out 100's. Extremely solid albums may only wind up in the mid 80's. Not that Pitchfork has found faults with the album, but because 100's are reserved for truly revolutionary works.

So, with that philosophy in mind, here's a different idea of how to rate games:

5 stars: This game is literally genre-defining. It breaks new ground in video games. We should be blown away by the sheer freshness in the face of sequels and clones. Example: Katamari Damacy

4 stars: This game is one of the best in its genre: Great graphics, solid gameplay, and an overall wonderful experience. Innovative, but not revolutionary. Example: Bioshock

3 stars: This game is fun to play. Is it an absolute must play? No, but it's worth your time and money and you won't be disappointed. Example: Jak and Daxter

2 stars: This game is mediocre. While it may have some interesting hooks, ultimately you won't be missing much if you don't play it. Example: Sonic Adventure 2

1 star: Garbage. Shoddy workmanship, uninspiring gameplay, and Bratz licenses will end you up here. You can think of examples.

This would hopefully be more objective, cutting out things like hype from the review. Not saying hyped games are necessarily bad, but they're probably not Top 100 games EVAR material either.

Hey, I'm wondering if you guys can recommend an "instant" game. I tend to feel guilty about playing games recently because there's work I'm supposed to be doing. I know that if I start playing, I'll get really involved in it and boom! It's night and I have a test to study for.

Are there any games that you can truly jump in and out of really fast? Something that doesn't have tons of logos and menus to dig through. Honestly, I don't care if it doesn't have unlockables or a deep story or infinity things to do. It just has to be something I can kill a few minutes with and not feel like I have to keep going and going and going.

It would be best if they were for the DS or GBA. The consoles are in a whole 'nother part of the house and the PC is supposed to be for work (har har har.) What do you think?

Fanboys are among the stupidest people I know. Fanatics, politicians, wealthy spoiled heiresses... They have all pursued the path to divine stupidity. But only fanboys have achieved the holy grail.

It's like fanboys have found the perfect method for distilling stupid into its purest, rawest form. Then, using their own proprietary recipe, they add a special blend of eleven herbs and spices to mask any remaining logic, and then apply liberally over a tepid argument to turn it into a zesty flamewar!



Really I shouldn't have gotten so worked up I guess, especially considering I don't own any of the next-gen consoles (yet). But it's just so entirely baffling that a story about the PS3 increasing sales can be met with such... Anger. Geez, it's an inanimate object.

I think we're on the path to reverting 2000 years of civilization and going back to worshiping inanimate objects. =P



THE STORY

http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20071115-sony-enjoys-high-sales-on-the-back-of-a-400-system-and-wii-shortages.html

EPIC INTERNET ARGUMENT

http://episteme.arstechnica.com/eve/forums?a=tpc&s=50009562&f=174096756&m=676004568831&r=676004568831

Disclaimer: The lol, new world order image isn't meant to imply that the PS3 will lead the new world order or whatever, I was more making fun of the fact that video games have usurped religion. Just in case you didn't get it or something. Of course you did though. =p

You came in the NiGHT into my Dreams,
Like a Crazy Taxi flying through the evening.
You were among the King of Fighters,
And my young Soul was ripe for the Reaving.

I Quaked in the Arena of Love
But with the Calibur of your Soul,
And the taste of your potent homebrew,
Your elegant Samba, me amigo, took its toll.

Night passed like a Sonic Adventure
And with the coming of the PS2
You were swept away with Fatal Fury
Leaving just your Chao child in my VMU

/end poem

Sorry that I haven't done anything visually with my blog yet, the temptation to do a love poem about the Dreamcast was impossible to ignore.

Isn't it funny how when you have tests coming up, ANYTHING makes a good distraction?

Also yes, I know I'm not a poet. I know this is total cheesesauce. I had fun writing it though, and I hope you at least had fun reading it. =P