Ladies and gentlemen for countless ages I have been yearning for the ultimate gaming
experience, and ever since the Wii came out last November I thought my profound
gaming thirst would be quenched forever. I was Wiiless until January, then I finally
got my obese hands on one at Toys "R" Us after wrestling this sweet older Asian lady
for it. She said she was getting it for her kids, so naturally I told her that I was
on a mission from god. She didn't like that so she just went all whaleasaurus on me,
but it was alright because I had my spatula with me so I made her smell what the
Voytek is cooking. Don't worry, it smells good.
So anyway, now I feel like it was all a wasted effort because my Wii experience for
the past 12 months has been deeply dissapointing. I have purchased 18 games for it
so far, and each next one has been more dissapointing than the previous one. Wowza,
I just realised that 18 * $50 = somewhere between a lot and a mega ton of money. So
all the Wii really did so far is help me not be rich, and yet I still persist, eating
up all it has to offer, blindly believing THIS NEXT GAME WILL BE THE ONE!
Oh but wait, that's not all it does to make life hard...
-It is so cutely shaped like a little white brick, thus I have to constantly fight
the urge to defenestrate it.
-When there's an update it turns my room into a discoteque and asks me for a cookie.
All that blinkin' just makes me wanna feed it a Blu-Ray Disc and see if it blows up.
-People at work make fun of my Wii. Constantly. But, I don't blame them. I
probably would too if they had Wiis.
-It has way too many tempting titles such as Horsez 2 and the Kidz Sportz series. I
just can't say no to that!
-That rotten controller expects me to move more than my thumbs. Whaleasaurus does
-Always beats me at staring contests.
HELP ME! Will I ever get my gaming fix? That Wii just sits there stalking my every
move, milking my wallet as I slowly spiral into depression. My shark gun is on the
way, maybe that's just what I need to be complete?
It just hurts so much because I can't have what I desire.