Spoiler Warning: Mass Effect 3's ending is discussed below because that's what it says in the title of this post
I was among the many people who did not like the ending of Mass Effect 3. Rather than petition Bioware to make changes to it, however, I took matters into my own hands and made alterations to the final encounter myself; specifically, I gave my Commander Shepard the renegade interrupts that she so desperately deserved:
The NYU Game Center recently commissioned three games and invited the public to check out the results. Should you decide to take them up on their generous offer, what can you expect to see? To answer that question, I journeyed far from my residence in Brooklyn to see what those crazy kids at NYU were up to. Here's what I found:
Raging Hadron is a two-player game with Atari 2600-esque graphics (which look much better than my crappy photo shows). Player one controls a blocky yellow guy who is pitted against his arch-nemesis, a blocky orange guy controlled by player two. The objective? Run past your opponent while stopping him from running past you. How do you stop your opponent? With the always popular options of swords and/or punching.
Bonus: You control your character using old-school NES controllers.
Extra bonus: When typing the name of this game, there is a good chance you will write "Raging Hard-on" instead.
Deep Sea eliminates the "video" from "video games" to provide you with a purely audio experience. Based on sounds you hear in the headphones, you maneuver through an underwater environment via joystick while wearing an awesome mask.
Bonus: You get to wear an awesome mask!
Extra bonus: Said awesome mask could possibly protect you from tear gas.
Recurse involves wildly flailing your body in front of a webcam for points. The camera projects a distorted image of you on a screen that has green areas and red areas. You earn points by moving your body in the green, and lose points for moving in the red. Hint 1: you can get more than one person in front of the camera at a time. Hint 2: I'm going to go out on a limb and assume this game is even more entertaining after a few drinks.
Bonus: You get to strike cool poses.
Extra bonus: The game records images of said cool poses for posterity and shows you one at the end of the game.
After checking out the exhibit, make sure you walk down the hall towards the bathroom. Why? Because you won't want to miss these:
The games will be on display through June 30. Who's going?
The first thought that ran through my mind after reading this post was "Starfy? What the f*ck is Starfy?" Knowing that you, my fellow Destructoid readers, must have had the same reaction, I took it upon myself for the good of the community to personally find out what the f*ck Starfy is.
I can confirm that on Saturday afternoon, as promised, the Nintendo World Store did indeed have Starfy-themed face painting as well as Starfy balloons. I would have documented this photographically but, since I was a single, creepy-looking guy armed with a huge camera wandering around a store full of kids, you're just going to have to take my word for it. As well as a photo of this pink Starfy balloon.
After a thorough, painstakingly-detailed, exhaustively-researched investigation of the event, I was finally rewarded with the answer I so desperately sought. "What the f*ck is Starfy?" you ask? I'll tell you what the f*ck Starfy is:
It's been a long time since I've had to write a profile about myself that wasn't for an online dating site so I hope I don't mess this up. I lurked here for quite some time before recently throwing myself intotheblogging fray and figured it might be helpful if you knew a little bit about me and my gaming background.
The first video game system I ever owned was an Atari 2600. My brothers and I played the crap out of Pitfall and Berserk on a beat-up television set tucked away in the corner of the living room of the trailer we lived in. Since the TV was a black-and-white model, I did not discover until years later at a friend's house that the console was, in fact, capable of displaying colored shapes. My mind was blown and I am still struggling to this day to gather up all of the pieces.
The second video game system I ever owned was the original Nintendo Entertainment System. I remember my older brother convincing my mom to put a huge black box into our shopping cart at Kmart. He seemed excited; I didn't know what the big deal was. Two hours later, with the contents of the NES Deluxe Set connected to the TV, I understood, even though R.O.B. turned out to be a worthless hunk of plastic.
Years later the family got our first PC which was supposed to be for school and work but quickly got repurposed as the Wolfenstein 3D machine. I don't know how much time I later spent trying to get the speech pack for Wing Commander 2 to install correctly on our massive 40 megabyte hard drive or how we convinced our parents to shell out 100 bucks for an additional meg of RAM, but I do know I was hooked. Though with games like Ultima 7 and Master of Orion, I didn't have much of a choice.
If I had to choose a favorite game, it would be either X-Com or Space Channel 5 Part 2. And for once, I'm not being sarcastic: it really is a tossup between those two. I love strategy games, tactical combat, and blasting aliens with plasma beams but also love singing, dancing, and firing hearts out of ray guns while yelling "chu chu chu!". No developer, unfortunately, has seen fit to combine all of these features into a single game. Yet.
These days, when I'm not busy clutching a cell phone to my face and a flashlight to my chest, I've been spending most of my gaming time trying to get the "Chef" achievement for my Druid in World of Warcraft as well as running in circles and getting shot repeatedly in Quake Live. I've also been obsessively unlocking cards in Duels of the Planeswalkers on the 360 while angrily muttering to myself about the quality of the decks included in the game. And if I had a PC capable of running it, I'd be playing the crap out of Dawn of War 2 because Warhammer 40k is awesome.
And there you have it: a bit about me. I've enjoyed c-blogging so far and hope you folks like whatever random stuff spills out of my head in the future.
In conclusion, I think we should totally go out because OMG UR HOT.
I have therefore taken it upon myself to take Mrs. Zelnick through Jack's letter and try to
clarify the points he is trying to make. Below is the text of Jack Thompson's email as well
as my comments.
Mrs. Zelnick Strauss Zelnick, Take-Two Chairman’s Mother New York, New York Via e-mails to intermediaries Re: Your Son, Strauss Zelnick Dear Mrs. Zelnick: Your son, as you may know (or maybe you don’t know),
He just implied that you are stupid OH SNAP
is Chairman of Take-Two Interactive Software, Inc., whose most popular video games are the Grand Theft Auto murder simulator games banned in some countries but sold to children here.
Though it is true that the game is rated “M” for mature and many stores refuse to sell it to
anyone without ID, we all know that Rockstar employees are traveling to kindergarten
classrooms across the nation to hand-deliver copies of the most recent Grand Theft Auto
murder simulator. Children without an Xbox 360 or Playstation 3 will be provided with their
choice of console, and any child whose household is currently bereft of electricity will be
provided with a diesel-powered generator. Blind children will be provided with their own
personal assistant who will yell out descriptions of what is happening on screen.
Your son last week was reported to have said the following about Grand Theft Auto IV, due to be released Tuesday, April 29: "We’ve already received numerous [GTA IV] reviews, and to a one, they are perfect scores. My mom couldn’t write better reviews…"
Taking your son’s thought, I would encourage you either to play this game or have an adroit video gamer play it for you. Some of the latter gamers are on death row, so try to find one out in the civilian population who hasn’t killed someone yet.
I concede that Jack is accurate here: I myself am an adroit video gamer currently on death
row for shooting a UFO out of the sky after training myself on the alien murder simulator
What you will see in your son’s game, if this iteration of GTA is anything like its predecessors, is incredible interactive violence aimed at police officers (whom you can shoot in the head and see the blood spray), innocent bystanders (whom you can run over with your car just for the heck of it), and of course the plentiful female prostitutes you can have sex with and then filet with a knife or stomp with your feet in order to get your money back. Experts note that the recent plethora of cop killings is caused in part by your darling son’s entrepreneurial energy.
When he says “experts,” he really means “Jack Thompson.”
There are three policemen dead in Alabama because of Grand Theft Auto. I was on 60 Minutes about it. I hope Strauss has provided you with a flat screen tv to see the grief of the bereaved families that fills the screen.
He bought you a TV? Sweet! Can he hook me up too?
The pornography and violence that your son trafficks in is the kind of stuff that most mothers would be ashamed to see their son putting into the hands of other mothers’ children, but, hey, your son Strauss has recently assured the world that he is "a Boy Scout, everybody knows that." I’d love to see the merit badges that Scout Troop handed out. Is there a Ted Bundy merit badge? If so, your loving son deserves one now.
Agreed. Your son was recently convicted of murdering a 12-year-old girl and dumping her body in a pigsty, just like Ted Bundy, right? He wasn’t? Oh… well, he’s chairman of a video
game company. Close enough.
It should be red and green, for obvious reasons.
I admit it, Mrs. Zelnick – my minisk… minusc… minosc… small brain has no idea what this
obvious reason is. Is it almost Christmas? Are they his favorite colors of M&Ms? Does he
hate it when traffic signals tell him to slow down instead of either continuing or bringing his
car to a complete stop?
With Passover having just come and gone, it is appropriate to note the following from the Old Testament, Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Preach on brother. If I may be so bold, I would also like to cite what I believe to be an extremely relevant passage from the Old Testament, Deuteronomy 22:11: “Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.” Why? Because that would just be ridiculous as well as sinful.
Mrs. Zelnick, did you train up your son, Strauss, to make millions of dollars by pushing Mature-rated video games to children? Any kid can go right to little Strauss’ corporate web site and buy GTA IV with no age verification. Strauss is even marketing the new Grand Theft Auto IV on World Wrestling Entertainment tv shows seen by millions of kids. If you trained up Strauss to do this, then shame on you.
But maybe the explanation for your son’s corporate sociopathy is to be found in Old Testament Proverb 29:15: "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." Maybe you, Mrs. Zelnick, were so taken by your handsome son that you spared the rod and spoiled the child. That would explain why he has brought you, by the way he presently acts, "to shame."
Wait, you thought your son was hot? Man Mrs. Zelnick, you’re messed up. Gross.
There’s another mother you would do well to talk to. Mrs. Crump in Alabama had a son who was a police officer. He’s now dead because a teenaged boy unwittingly trained himself to kill him on Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. She has a grief she carries every day that only a mother can know. There are other such mothers in the heartland of America whose inhabitants your son simply sees as commercial targets.
Shame on you Mrs. Zelnick. That teenager played a video game and promptly killed an
officer of the law. I’m sure there were no other factors involved in that tragic incident whatsoever.
I remember one time I played a game called Redneck Rampage, and when I was done, I
went out into the yard and had sex with our pet goat. Would I have done this had I not
played the game? Well… yes, but I would not have been as adept at it.
Your son, this very moment, is doing everything he possibly can to sell as many copies of GTA IV to teen boys in the United States, a country in which your son claims you raised him to be "a Boy Scout." More like the Hitler Youth, I would say.
Because we all know it’s every video game company chairman’s dream to kill 6 million
Happy Mother’s day, Mrs. Zelnick, which this year is May 11, two weeks after your son unleashes porn and violence upon other mothers’ boys. I’m sure you’re very proud.
Sincerely, Jack Thompson
Happy Mother's day from me too Mrs. Zelnick. Please give my regards to your son as well
my thanks for producing the games that made me into the awesome mass murderer I am
today. And let me know about the flat screen TV.