Following all the hype surrounding Microsoft’s new Kinect system, much of the xbox community has been concerned by the company’s new venture, worried by the fact that the Kinect is clearly aimed towards the famiy and casual gamer market. Many fans of the console believe that newer content will start a market trend, which will discourage the major publishers away from more ‘hardcore’ games for Microsofts new camera.
But fear no longer if you are one of those extreme, larger than life game combatants, you will still have the opportunity to raise your voices louder than Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon, while gazing at your feeble opponents’ ten year old crying faces. Bill Gate’s mob have assured the public that the Kinect will have a number of compatible hardcore games. Marketing executive Albert Penello (which it turns out is not a type of pasta) said recently:
“I don’t think we have any interest in sort of getting away from controllers and getting away from the core games that got us here. This box was a response, you know, from us to the people that have followed us along and really asked for features for the console. Kinect is about getting other people in the house.”
However when Penello was pressed regarding what games would be coming to the Kinect, he had no answer. Not very comforting considering he is the head of marketing. This got me thinking, in this situation Penello could have surely used his imagination slightly and astounded the devoted cult of Xboxtians, with dreams and visions of the future; he is a marketing executive after all, his job is scewing the truth.
So I thought I’d do his job for him. To those dependable, unwavering, resolute and patriotic Microsoft troupe, here is the Kinectcore range of games.
Half Life: Super Smash!
One of the gaming worlds most highly regarded titles returns with this exclusive Kinect original. 10 years have passed since the events of Half Life 2 and Gordon Freeman has moved on a great deal from the gun wielding doctor he once was. Settling down on the outskirts of tourist hot spot Ravenholm, Freeman now owns his own crate manufacturing factory: supplying quality wooden boxes to pharmaceutical companys and the arms industry, provides the simple and quiet life style that the once outgoing and extroverted doctor, has always craved.
However disaster strikes when a cluster of headcrabs escape from a nearby zoo and make The Orange Box Co. their new home. Gordon Freeman must now once again utilize his most reliable and effective weapon, in order to reclaim his beloved factory. In Half Life: Super Smash! players armed with the fabled Crowbar, must plough through 15 levels of crate smashing, Headcrab hammering fun.
The Kinects reliable motion sensing software, picks up even the most mundane of player movements and accurately plots swinging trajectory and power to precisely replicate real life physics, using Valve’s state of the art ‘trash’ engine, meaning only the most trained Crowbar commanders, could master the game. After you’ve beaten the main story, take your Crowbar blitzing skills online with a 64 player free for all, or team up with fellow Freeman’s in online Co op and see how long you can weather a relentless hoard of Zombie Headcrabs, with only your crowbar and the guy next to you, to survive.
House of The Kinect
We’ve all been there; stood in the middle of the video game arcade, our pockets full of shrapnel currency, pondering what too spend our precious change on. We could turn to Sega Rally and begrudgingly look on as the counter slowly counts down from sixty to zero, seeing as we are too shit to get to the checkpoint on time. But then we are attracted by something quiet different, a machine with an over eccentric Gothic theme, a machine which wonders us with it’s poorly moulded pistols and most importantly it’s grunting of a hundred seeping zombies, makes this choice irresistible. You approach the machine, choosing single player of course, no fucker is going to steal your glory in split screen, as you slowly progress through this barbaric adventure. Coin after coin is thrown into the slot of terror, the addiction of shooting leather dressed obese mutants in the sternum has become overwhelming. You’ve spent so much money you could have bought the whole arcade, but finally you are on the last glorious level, your once filled pockets now as empty as the governments Christmas party funds, you feel the end is near, the adrenaline gets pumping, an audience of sad onlookers have gathered, you are the king of the Arcade! Before a poorly rendered zombie piranha bites your cheek off, something it turns out, which is more fatal than a chainsaw to the face. You collapse to the floor in distress, you’ll never see the mighty climax, the only victor in this game are the zombies (and the Nazi arcade owner).
Now with new House of the Kinect, you ARE the zombies. Using the Kinects latest camera technology, players take the lead in this drama of love, death and flesh eating. By simply enacting the generic undead actions, your deformed characters will slowly stutter their ways to agents Rogan and G, who will stand no chance as they have no understanding what “RELOAD! SHOOT OUTSIDE OF THE SCREEN” actually means.
Decapitate the hopeless agents with twenty seven different phantoms, including Andy the anorexic axe throwing skeleton and Pablo, a lovable limb tearing immigrant. A griping story line and stunning voice acting will make this a game not to be missed.
Halo: Reach (Out to God) or Halo: Preach
It’s the 26th century and as well as England still looking to claim their first World Cup since 2010, the United Stations Space Command are in the middle of a long winded battle with a collaboration of quirky extra terrestrials known as the Covenant, after a dispute over an unpaid docking fine was blown out of proportion. The future of humanity is looking bleak, the covenant are strong in numbers, human soldiers seem more interested in rolling Warthogs and the Master Chief has been incarcerated after tea bagging and old age pensioner he terminated, after discharging several rounds from something he was asked to experiment called a ‘needler’.
You as humanity’s last hope, take the role of Pope Teddy VII. The covenant are understood to be greatly devout to their religion, their soldiers have been promised that this crusade against humanity will lead to their salvation, as well as a free two week stay in Vegas. As the Pope, the United Stations Something or another, have requested that you exploit this strong belief in faith that the team Covenant possess and attempt to turn them against their leaders, in the name of Nu Catholicism of course.
Using the Kinect, players can physically preach to the Covenant. Cause an alien revolt with Singstaresque game play, follow on screen scripts in an attempt to inspire change. Face recognition takes Reach (Out To God) to a different level, players must done their poker face to appear sincere or face the consequences of a long and painful stoning. Unlock special talents such as the ability to turn water to wine and amass your army. Increase your confidence and charisma skills until the final showdown with the Covenant prophets: an exciting debate in their council chambers.
The Xbox Marketing Department are requesting any new ideas. It seems as though they are short of a few.