Since the dawn of Creation (that’s a capital ‘C’, mind you) mankind has attempted to forecast the Endtimes. Throughout the centuries religious augers and scientific prognosticators alike have predicted a date for the apocalypse, dates that passed with little disturbance except that caused by the adherents of those misguided prophets.
Until now. What this Foxtoid reporter has uncovered is sick, shocking, and an obvious portent of the end of the world. If you do not wish to be caught unprepared in the Apocalypse and the untold TERRORS it will loose upon your family and all of those you love, it is imperative that you read this article.

There is a plague that is TERRORIZING our world. It has long been gestating in our young people, now adults, passed from sibling to sibling, from parents to their offspring. But rather than an illness of the body, it is a virus of the mind and emotions. It is an infection that can be spread over cable lines, through modems, and even packaged and sold. In fact, you may have already unwittingly unleashed this contagion within your own home.

What is this plague? In an effort to downplay their danger, many would call them video games. However, in Foxtoid’s tireless endeavor to present Fair And Balanced reporting, I will use the more accurate term “rape and murder simulators.” This outbreak is certainly no mere game.

There are a million tragic stories of the effects murder simulators have had on those who choose to submit their will to their brutal control. What follows is only one.

The first time I met 24-year-old Ian, he was huddled in the doorway of an abandoned storefront in South Boston. This was definitely the first time I met him, and I definitely was not contacted by him regarding a recent post on an actors’ employment site soliciting stories of deranged gamers. Definitely unrelated. In fact, I don’t even know about that board - it’s for Europeans.

Clutched in his dirty hands was a battered Playstation DS that emitted the sounds of nonstop machine gun chatter and the pathetic wail of dying women and children. So intent was he upon the game that I thought I could pass by without notice. However, as I drew near Ian suddenly leapt to his feet with arms outstretched, his hands balled into fists except for each index finger which was curled around a nonexistent trigger. “Pew-pew-pew!” he shouted in extraordinary imitation of the gunfire that had sounded from his portable rape and murder simulator. His eyes were wide but vacant, and his non-existent guns were trained at me.

Though stricken by TERROR, I resisted the impulse to run. Instead I quietly repeated, “This is real life. This is not a game. This is real life.” After a few minutes the words seemed to penetrate his rape and murder simulator-induced fantasy and gradually his vacant gaze was replaced by a look of fright and confusion. “Where am I?” He asked timidly. “Who are you?”

I knew that if he had been one of the many gamers who had an actual gun I would likely be lying in a pool of my own blood by that time. However I could not help but be moved by his plight and offered to take him out for a coffee. The ensuing conversation became one of the most revealing and pitiable interviews as I have ever conducted. It is my duty to spread the tail of his decent into the depths of depravity and destruction, so that we may all learn and safeguard our loved ones from the epidemic of TERROR that may soon be the end of mankind.

Foxtoid: “How did you first get involved in rape and murder simulators?”

Ian: “The first video game I played was Mario Brothers on the Nintendo. He really loved to eat those mushrooms – they would make him bigger and give him an extra life, so I guess that’s where I first learned that it was okay to eat mushrooms.”

Foxtoid: “So not only was Super Mario a gateway to harder rape and murder simulators, it was a gateway to hard drugs as well?”

Ian: “Uh, sure. Yes. Yes it was.”

Foxtoid: “Tell me about the first time you played a first-person shooter.”

Ian: “Well, I used to play Halo quite a bit in—”

Foxtoid: “Are you sure you don’t mean Doom?”

Ian: “Oh, yeah, I meant Doom. I played Doom all the time when it first came out. I’d just sit there all day in front of the Nintendo playing Doom. Sometimes all night too, in my bedroom with the lights out just blowing people away with my shotgun.”

Foxtoid: “Did you start to imagine the enemies were people you knew? People you didn’t like?”

Ian: “Yeah, totally. If there was a teacher who gave me a bad grade or if someone was bullying me, I’d just picture them on top of one of the people in the game and [mimics pulling a trigger] blow them away. All night long, while I was alone in my bedroom with the lights off. Oh yeah, and while taking mushrooms.”

Foxtoid: “Tell me about your experiences with Counter-Strike.”

Ian: “Counter-Strike? Yeah, uh...let’s see. I used to play Counter-Strike all the time on the...on the...”

Ian struggles to remember how he received his fix of the ultra-popular and pervasive rape and murder simulator. This is indicative of how difficult it can become for some addicts to recognize the boundaries between the simulator world and the real world. For Ian, remembering how the experience was delivered is almost impossible because to his mind it was delivered in real life.

Foxtoid: “On the Playstation...”

Ian: “Yeah, it was the Playstation. Counter-Strike was a game in which the goal is to...to...you have to kill aliens that are trying to take over the Earth and....”

Foxtoid: “By aliens, do you mean people?”

Ian: “Yes, I mean people.... Alien people. Illegal Aliens! You have to shoot illegal aliens who are...uh...TERRORISTS?"

Foxtoid: “You are also encouraged to adopt the role of a terrorist as well. Ian, you seem uncertain of the roles and identities present in that murder simulator. Would you say this is because the ultimate goal of the combat is to dehumanize the players and normalize violence against another human being? Is that why you have trouble recalling those roles?”

Ian: “Yes. I’d just blow them away.”

Foxtoid: “Tell me about the first time you virtually raped a woman.”

Ian: “What??”

Foxtoid: “It is well known that these ‘games’ encourage layers to rape women for points. When did you first encounter such a situation? Was it the rape simulator Custer’s Revenge?”

Ian: “Yes, it was that game. You just...you know...sneak up on a woman and hold her down.... and have your way. And get points. All of my mates were playing that back in high school. We all thought that’s how you have sex. We didn’t know any better.”

Foxtoid: “Tell me about the first time you ran afoul of the law.”

Ian: “Well, like I said I would take mushrooms. But the first time I got caught breaking the law was when I stole a car.”

Foxtoid: “Why did you steal a car?”

Ian: “Well, I had been playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto, and you can just steal cars all day long in that game. I didn’t know any better – I just got in one and drove off. I was driving on the right side of the road into oncoming traffic, running over people, running into other cars. I even had sex with a prostitute and killed her and took back my money.”

Foxtoid: “It would seem that such a crime spree should have been reported in the media. Would you say that the rape and murder simulator lobby suppressed news of your rampage? Wouldn’t you say your actions and the actions of others with your addiction continue to go unreported because ‘game’ manufacturers are in bed with the news media, keeping them quiet with hush money?”

Ian: “Aren’t you the news media?”

Foxtoid: “Ian, why are you a bad person?”

Ian: “I am a bad person because video games turned me into a bad person.”

Foxtoid: “Thank you for sharing your story with the world, Ian. I hope others can learn from your mistakes.”

Ian: “Thank you for letting me share this with you. Also if anyone is interested, next weekend I will be playing the role of Polonius in Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead at the Aberforth Theatre in Stockton-on-Tees."