I've seen blog posts titled
2010 Sucked every once and a while, I guess this is a Monthly Musing? Well, I made mine about 2011, because of the devastating news I received this morning. All I can think about is my release, my escape: Videogames, and why I may never play them again.
While waiting for the call from my mum to tell me that, dads blocked catheter had been fixed and that his breathing had been regulated (he had a hole in his neck from Larynx Cancer); I enjoyed a pretty good session of all night gaming.
Anticipating the release of Dawn of War II: Retribution, I started playing through the first game to reacquaint myself, blitzing halfway through it on easy, I mixed it up a bit with League of Legends. Now this new champion Renekton, is pretty damn awesome and while the learning curve was vexing, I got the hang of it and won almost all my matches late last night (or very early this morning).
While checking the after game stats I notice the time, 6:23 am, what the hell, why hasn't mum called yet?
From my position I can see the front of the house and notice my neighbour, worried look on her face, ring the door bell.
"When did your dad go to the hospital?"
'Oh, yesterday evening, his catheter was blocked and he had shallow breathing'
<Silence>
'Why do you ask?'
"We just got a call from a nurse at Westmead hospital, they said... That your dad has passed away."
Mums all alone at the hospital!
'What?'
My older brother is on his way to Thailand!
"We're really sorry for your loss."
My younger brother is visiting his girlfriends parents in the Blue Mountains!
'But...'
And I stayed at home, playing, FUCKING VIDEOGAMES!?
YOU, could have been THERE!
IDIOT
<Anguished, look on neighbours face, profuse regrets for my loss>
<Blur>
After a long daze, sitting on my bed staring at my 120+ strong Xbox 360 game collection, mind numb, throat unable to utter but a croak I text my brothers the painful news. The pain boils over and I make anguished sounds I have never heard a human make.
2011 Sucked; while celebrating a trivial victory with complete strangers, my dad spends his last moments holding my mums hand staring into her eyes.
Rest In Peace: James Arthur Knight (1932 - 2011), we will never forget you dad.
ps. Thank you for reading this far into this mess, I really need a place I can vent, just say/type... Something.
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Shit's not easy, man... But don't feel bad.
I live 900 miles away from my where my parents lived. The last time I saw my dad was when they helped me move in four months ago. They wanted me to go back for the holidays but with working in retail, I just couldn't get the time off. My family and I weren't on the best of terms which was part of the reason I moved out.
All I could think about was how I kept pushing to move out and start my own life. All that time I could have spent (I should have spent) with them but didn't. I had talked to him literally a day or two before he died but it was over stressing out over money for college.
And I spent the night coping with the news by snuggling up to my boyfriend and playing Ilomilo. I've been thinking about writing how it helped me relax, but I just haven't had it in me to get that personal yet.
All I can say is, your dad would want you to do what you do. I may not have been home and my last conversation with my dad was over money... But he was so damn proud and happy for me when I got accepted into college and that I was taking control of my life. I'm sure if he had the choose of wanting me at home or me having my own apartment where I could be with my boyfriend and all my new friends, I know he'd want me there.
I'm sure the same can be said for your dad. I'm sure he'd like to know that you were at home not living the hell of knowing he was in his final moments. Because that's just want parents want for their kids; to make their lives as easy as possible because they love them.
That's how I've managed to keep myself strong through this. My dad would want to see me like this - as strong and as independent as I've always been. Not sitting in a corner crying my eyes out.
Sorry for your loss as well, Steph. I couldn't even imagine what you guys are going through right now :(
If you ever need us, we're her for you man.
So yes, I know how regret can add a bitter edge to the grief that accompanies loss. Just know that even if you never touched a video game in your life, there would be things that you would wish had gone differently. Things you would wish you could redo. What I've discovered is that regret has very little to do with your actions, and a lot more to do with the finality of death. There's nothing else in the world that can match its power or its sting. In any other circumstance, tomorrow offers new possibility. But not when someone is really, truly gone.
That is what you're feeling, dude, and it is not your fault. Believe me, if I could reach through the internet and shoulder the pain for you, I would, because I've done it before and would gladly spare you or anyone else that experience. I can't. But I can reassure you that your pain has nothing to do with video games. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do with or for your dad. The culprit, the enemy, is NOT you. It is our mortality.
What would your dad expect you to do? Live your life tethered to him, in case something bad happens? Not at all. I'm sure he took secret joy in seeing you get enthusiastic about your hobbies. Parents are like that; they keep certain feelings to themselves.
The thing about love is that distance and time don't diminish its connectivity if the recipient is sure of its source. Your dad knew that you love him, and the fact that you weren't there physically didn't diminish that. Think about it - does his absence diminish your love for him now? No. Nor did your absence at the hospital affect his feelings for you. What you were doing that morning was perfectly normal, and a normal life is what he wanted you to live, I'm sure.
Death, I'm convinced, is harder on those left behind. What lies ahead of you is not an easy road. Just repeat to yourself that everything you're feeling is normal, even if your personality changes for a time. On the other hand there is NO 'normal' grieving period of a specific length, so don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Don't be afraid to talk to people you trust. This time will show you who your real friends are, and who they are may surprise you. Also, don't skimp on showing love to Mum. Especially on the days when she lashes out in anger or her behavior seems irrational. Even if her words or reactions hurt you, those are the day she's gonna need you the most.
I know this is all way too much to absorb today. I only hope and pray that my humble observations may provide some clarity or comfort at some future time. My heart truly breaks for you. I wish I could do more. Please pass my condolences to your family.
Life will be happy again one day on its own, when you're ready. That much I can promise.
@BulletMagnet - That's what I tried to ask the neighbour, she didn't know either, none of the phones were unhooked in the house. When I went to the hospital to pick up mum, I found that mum specifically told the nurse to call my neighbor, so that I would hear the news from someone familiar; and not a stranger.
@DynamoJoe - Thank you, for shedding some light on those feelings. It did help to give me perspective. We do have some amazing friends, one organising people to cook us dinner, to the phone constantly ringing and a constant flow of visitors, it's very humbling. I am also sorry to hear about your losses.
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