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My father passed away last Friday. I just got from the wake a few hours ago and have to face the funeral tomorrow.
Shit's not easy, man... But don't feel bad.
I live 900 miles away from my where my parents lived. The last time I saw my dad was when they helped me move in four months ago. They wanted me to go back for the holidays but with working in retail, I just couldn't get the time off. My family and I weren't on the best of terms which was part of the reason I moved out.
All I could think about was how I kept pushing to move out and start my own life. All that time I could have spent (I should have spent) with them but didn't. I had talked to him literally a day or two before he died but it was over stressing out over money for college.
And I spent the night coping with the news by snuggling up to my boyfriend and playing Ilomilo. I've been thinking about writing how it helped me relax, but I just haven't had it in me to get that personal yet.
All I can say is, your dad would want you to do what you do. I may not have been home and my last conversation with my dad was over money... But he was so damn proud and happy for me when I got accepted into college and that I was taking control of my life. I'm sure if he had the choose of wanting me at home or me having my own apartment where I could be with my boyfriend and all my new friends, I know he'd want me there.
I'm sure the same can be said for your dad. I'm sure he'd like to know that you were at home not living the hell of knowing he was in his final moments. Because that's just want parents want for their kids; to make their lives as easy as possible because they love them.
That's how I've managed to keep myself strong through this. My dad would want to see me like this - as strong and as independent as I've always been. Not sitting in a corner crying my eyes out.
Shit's not easy, man... But don't feel bad.
I live 900 miles away from my where my parents lived. The last time I saw my dad was when they helped me move in four months ago. They wanted me to go back for the holidays but with working in retail, I just couldn't get the time off. My family and I weren't on the best of terms which was part of the reason I moved out.
All I could think about was how I kept pushing to move out and start my own life. All that time I could have spent (I should have spent) with them but didn't. I had talked to him literally a day or two before he died but it was over stressing out over money for college.
And I spent the night coping with the news by snuggling up to my boyfriend and playing Ilomilo. I've been thinking about writing how it helped me relax, but I just haven't had it in me to get that personal yet.
All I can say is, your dad would want you to do what you do. I may not have been home and my last conversation with my dad was over money... But he was so damn proud and happy for me when I got accepted into college and that I was taking control of my life. I'm sure if he had the choose of wanting me at home or me having my own apartment where I could be with my boyfriend and all my new friends, I know he'd want me there.
I'm sure the same can be said for your dad. I'm sure he'd like to know that you were at home not living the hell of knowing he was in his final moments. Because that's just want parents want for their kids; to make their lives as easy as possible because they love them.
That's how I've managed to keep myself strong through this. My dad would want to see me like this - as strong and as independent as I've always been. Not sitting in a corner crying my eyes out.
Shit, really sorry for loss :(. My condolences to you and your family. I doubt you're going to want to be doing much of anything the next little while....
Sorry for your loss as well, Steph. I couldn't even imagine what you guys are going through right now :(
Sorry for your loss as well, Steph. I couldn't even imagine what you guys are going through right now :(
I send my best wishes to you and your family. One thing I have to add is that you can't beat yourself up about it. There was no way you could have ever known that was going to happen.
Thanks everyone for your well wishes, and thanks Steph, he laughed a lot when I tried to get him into videogames, knowing how much they occupied my time.
I'm really sorry to hear that and my condolences go out to you and your family. I lost my grandfather when I was 13, and had to break the news to my mom and eldest uncle. Just try and keep your head up and stay strong.
Very sorry for your loss, and my condolences go out to you and your family.
If you ever need us, we're her for you man.
If you ever need us, we're her for you man.
Condolences for your loss, but out of curiosity, why did your neighbor get that call instead of you? One would think that immediate family would be first on the contact list...
I lost my mother to cancer on May 18, 2008. To make matters worse, my then fiancee lost her dad just seven months later. Her dad, but my friend. We got along real well, and during the course of dating her he had become a father figure to me. I never had anyone to call Dad before him.
So yes, I know how regret can add a bitter edge to the grief that accompanies loss. Just know that even if you never touched a video game in your life, there would be things that you would wish had gone differently. Things you would wish you could redo. What I've discovered is that regret has very little to do with your actions, and a lot more to do with the finality of death. There's nothing else in the world that can match its power or its sting. In any other circumstance, tomorrow offers new possibility. But not when someone is really, truly gone.
That is what you're feeling, dude, and it is not your fault. Believe me, if I could reach through the internet and shoulder the pain for you, I would, because I've done it before and would gladly spare you or anyone else that experience. I can't. But I can reassure you that your pain has nothing to do with video games. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do with or for your dad. The culprit, the enemy, is NOT you. It is our mortality.
What would your dad expect you to do? Live your life tethered to him, in case something bad happens? Not at all. I'm sure he took secret joy in seeing you get enthusiastic about your hobbies. Parents are like that; they keep certain feelings to themselves.
The thing about love is that distance and time don't diminish its connectivity if the recipient is sure of its source. Your dad knew that you love him, and the fact that you weren't there physically didn't diminish that. Think about it - does his absence diminish your love for him now? No. Nor did your absence at the hospital affect his feelings for you. What you were doing that morning was perfectly normal, and a normal life is what he wanted you to live, I'm sure.
Death, I'm convinced, is harder on those left behind. What lies ahead of you is not an easy road. Just repeat to yourself that everything you're feeling is normal, even if your personality changes for a time. On the other hand there is NO 'normal' grieving period of a specific length, so don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Don't be afraid to talk to people you trust. This time will show you who your real friends are, and who they are may surprise you. Also, don't skimp on showing love to Mum. Especially on the days when she lashes out in anger or her behavior seems irrational. Even if her words or reactions hurt you, those are the day she's gonna need you the most.
I know this is all way too much to absorb today. I only hope and pray that my humble observations may provide some clarity or comfort at some future time. My heart truly breaks for you. I wish I could do more. Please pass my condolences to your family.
Life will be happy again one day on its own, when you're ready. That much I can promise.
So yes, I know how regret can add a bitter edge to the grief that accompanies loss. Just know that even if you never touched a video game in your life, there would be things that you would wish had gone differently. Things you would wish you could redo. What I've discovered is that regret has very little to do with your actions, and a lot more to do with the finality of death. There's nothing else in the world that can match its power or its sting. In any other circumstance, tomorrow offers new possibility. But not when someone is really, truly gone.
That is what you're feeling, dude, and it is not your fault. Believe me, if I could reach through the internet and shoulder the pain for you, I would, because I've done it before and would gladly spare you or anyone else that experience. I can't. But I can reassure you that your pain has nothing to do with video games. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do with or for your dad. The culprit, the enemy, is NOT you. It is our mortality.
What would your dad expect you to do? Live your life tethered to him, in case something bad happens? Not at all. I'm sure he took secret joy in seeing you get enthusiastic about your hobbies. Parents are like that; they keep certain feelings to themselves.
The thing about love is that distance and time don't diminish its connectivity if the recipient is sure of its source. Your dad knew that you love him, and the fact that you weren't there physically didn't diminish that. Think about it - does his absence diminish your love for him now? No. Nor did your absence at the hospital affect his feelings for you. What you were doing that morning was perfectly normal, and a normal life is what he wanted you to live, I'm sure.
Death, I'm convinced, is harder on those left behind. What lies ahead of you is not an easy road. Just repeat to yourself that everything you're feeling is normal, even if your personality changes for a time. On the other hand there is NO 'normal' grieving period of a specific length, so don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Don't be afraid to talk to people you trust. This time will show you who your real friends are, and who they are may surprise you. Also, don't skimp on showing love to Mum. Especially on the days when she lashes out in anger or her behavior seems irrational. Even if her words or reactions hurt you, those are the day she's gonna need you the most.
I know this is all way too much to absorb today. I only hope and pray that my humble observations may provide some clarity or comfort at some future time. My heart truly breaks for you. I wish I could do more. Please pass my condolences to your family.
Life will be happy again one day on its own, when you're ready. That much I can promise.
im sorry for your loss. time is such a fleeting thing. we never know what the next moment holds. what matters is that you loved eachother. my condolences to your mother as well.
Thanks again everyone for your well wishes and condolences, I have taken the time to grieve in private (at least the worst of it) and be a rock for my mum and younger brother, the role that dad used to fill. While we convinced our older brother to finish the trip in Thailand, because dad would have been upset if he had spent all that money only to squander it (he was very frugal).
@BulletMagnet - That's what I tried to ask the neighbour, she didn't know either, none of the phones were unhooked in the house. When I went to the hospital to pick up mum, I found that mum specifically told the nurse to call my neighbor, so that I would hear the news from someone familiar; and not a stranger.
@DynamoJoe - Thank you, for shedding some light on those feelings. It did help to give me perspective. We do have some amazing friends, one organising people to cook us dinner, to the phone constantly ringing and a constant flow of visitors, it's very humbling. I am also sorry to hear about your losses.
To me, Destructoid is more than just another gaming site.
@BulletMagnet - That's what I tried to ask the neighbour, she didn't know either, none of the phones were unhooked in the house. When I went to the hospital to pick up mum, I found that mum specifically told the nurse to call my neighbor, so that I would hear the news from someone familiar; and not a stranger.
@DynamoJoe - Thank you, for shedding some light on those feelings. It did help to give me perspective. We do have some amazing friends, one organising people to cook us dinner, to the phone constantly ringing and a constant flow of visitors, it's very humbling. I am also sorry to hear about your losses.
To me, Destructoid is more than just another gaming site.
