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UsurpMyProse's blog

11:18 AM on 02.13.2014

The Past: Who the hell puts Mew under a truck?

Ten year olds are idiots. Letís face facts Ė it is a miracle that any of us are sitting here today, instead of having perished during the age where the only thing preventing us from chugging down a gallon of dish detergent ...   read

9:54 AM on 01.03.2014

Steam Holiday Sale damage report

The holidays are over, which means itís time to put away the Christmas lights, stop pretending like you can tolerate your loved ones, and survey the smoking crater the latest Steam sale has left behind in place of your bank...   read

7:26 AM on 12.11.2013

My big, stupid, honking list of 2013's best videogame... things

Time marches on. A tide sweeping over us in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. Orchestrating the rise and fall of civilizations. Establishing cities of elaborate wonder before reducing them to dust and ash...   read

8:09 AM on 06.24.2013

Doug TenNapel, I hate you and I hope your game gets funded

Heroes will always disappoint you. I donít mean to sound like a fourteen year old who just discovered Morrissey, but the sad truth is that no amount of faith in the inherent good of humanity can guard us against inevitable ...   read

10:15 AM on 05.08.2013

Why we should never pay $60 for a videogame

Iím cheap. Frugal. Miserly. A man of generic brands and packed lunches. Of 2-for-1 deals and 10% tips. Someone who feels a twinge of regret over every cent that leaves their bank account.† Naturally, my penny pinching met...   read

7:33 AM on 04.10.2013

Newtwo: Game Freak's blatant attempt to ruin my childhood

Look Game Freak, we need to talk. I know youíre hard at work on Pokťmon X and Y Ė after all, that umpteenth boulder puzzle isnít going to lay itself out Ė but we need to address this past weekendís, shall we say, events. On...   read

7:26 AM on 03.11.2013

The top ten Steam games I will never play

I canít be the only one who feels a twinge of guilt every time they open Steam. Playing a game on my laptop means having to search through a sea of grey for a handful of bright spots. I realize thatís true of a lot of thing...   read

6:00 AM on 06.25.2012

Why am I excited for the Wii U? Shut the hell up, that's why.

Being a Nintendo fan is a unique brand of insanity. As an owner of a Nintendo system through every generation of consoles, Iím someone who has been playing the same video games over and over again for the last 24 years. I've ...   read

9:25 AM on 06.17.2012

Digitally Disappointed Dads: Games spent trying to impress your father

Itís Fatherís Day today, which means itís time to give the paternal figure in your life a call, send him a card, or patch over years of festering resentment for failing to live up to his expectations with a gift card to Lowes...   read

6:05 AM on 04.23.2012

10 Terrible Unlockables That Make Me Thankful for DLC

In the golden days before companies realized they could just charge us more money for extra content, unlockables were the best way to squeeze a little bit of replayability out of a game. Whether it was extra characters, secre...   read

9:36 PM on 03.04.2012

Promotions: A Sneak Peek at Pokťmon!

When I was a little upper middle class hell spawn, I had a natural inclination toward anything that cost large sums of my parentsí money. I had learned that a personís love was directly proportional to the amount of money the...   read

11:45 PM on 12.04.2011

Tales from Skyrim: Jazzy D. Funkington Slays a Dragon

"Jazzy D. Funkington suffers no fools, and he sure as hell don't suffer no motherfucking dragons." The year was 1977. Jimmy Carter was residing in the White House, disco was just beginning its terrible, glittery rein over th...   read

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