The holidays are over, which means itís time to put away the Christmas lights, stop pretending like you can tolerate your loved ones, and survey the smoking crater the latest Steam sale has left behind in place of your bank account. And like the morning after any seasonal bacchanal, it can be difficult to recall the exact details of all the poor decisions you made, which is why Iíve chosen to compile a list of my Steam Holiday Sale purchases so I can remember exactly what I was thinking when I decided I suddenly needed nine You Donít Know Jack games in my life.
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance Regular Price: $29.99
Rationale for Buying: Having not played†Metal Gear Solid 4, I donít know the story behind Raidenís magical girl transformation from franchise goat to bad ass cyborg ninja. But Iím fine with whatever convoluted plot point paved the way for me to feed on peopleís spinal cords and beat on buffed-up GOP allegories.
Stick it to the Man! Regular Price: $14.99
Rationale for Buying: Is this game related to Psychonauts? It looks like Psychonauts. It has nothing to do with Psychonauts? Whatever, it reminds me of Psychonauts, so now it has my money.
The Typing of the Dead: Overkill Regular Price: $19.99
Rationale for Buying: The strange, alchemic brew of Mavis Beacon and an on-rails light gun shooter is the kind of novel combination that simultaneously makes no sense and absolutely perfect sense, like folk covers of Katy Perry songs or ranch dressing and everything.
Dishonored: The Brigmore Witches Regular Price: $9.99
Rationale for Buying: I picked up Dishonored in this yearís Steam Summer Sale, foolishly doing so before The Brigmore Witches was released and the whole Game of the Year edition was put up for even cheaper than what I originally paid. The $6.67 I wasted will haunt me even more than the main campaignís unbearably mediocre ending.†
You Donít Know Jack Classic Pack Regular Price: $19.99
Rationale for Buying: If you donít know why I bought nine entries of a multiplayer trivia game that I will only every play by myself, then obviously you donít know... the symptoms of a severely lonely individual.
King of Fighters XIII Regular Price: $29.99
Rationale for Buying: Gorgeous 2D fighters are like an irresistible siren song. Iím seduced by their pixilated beauty, only to have my soul crushed by intricate button combinations and move lists that I donít have the patience to memorize. I essentially purchased a few hours of enthusiastic button mashing and giggling Japanese voice actresses, which sounds less like a videogame and more like the perfect idea for a themed bar in Tokyo.
DmC Regular Price: $49.99
Rationale for Buying: I only ever played the first Devil May Cry, so my love for the franchise is not sacred enough to be ruined by Danteís radical transformation from cocky half-demon adonis to even cockier half-demon adonis with not white hair. So long as the game allows me to shoot Ďn slice various grotesqueries all while being judged by an arbitrary combo system, Iíll be able to tolerate whatever Gen X Ďtude the game shoves down my throat.
Brothers Ė A Tale of Two Sons Regular Price: $14.99
Rationale for Buying: Itís an indie that marries gameplay with emotional storytelling, and Iím the kind of delicate butterfly that cries when he listens to Neko Case, so this one is kind of a no brainer.
Mortal Kombat Komplete Edition Regular Price: $29.99
Rationale for Buying: Putting aside the insufferable spelling of ďKomplete,Ē the Mortal Kombat reboot allows me to relive my halcyon days of playing obscenely violent video games under my parentsí noses. Iím not sure how thrilling the excessive gore will be now that Iím an adult and nobody gives a damn how much graphic media I consume (ie, a lot), but at least the MRI-quality zooms of multiple bone fractures will be a sobering reminder of the seriousness of shuriken-related facial injuries.
Valdis Story: Abyssal City Regular Price: $14.99
Rationale for Buying: There will be a day when I donít have a Pavlovian urge to immediately buy any game described as a Metroidvania. Today is not that day.
Total Regular Price: $234.90
Total Spent: $90.05
Total ďSavedĒ: $144.85
Guilt Level: Oh god what have I done where is my money