Oh, why, hello Dtoid! I didnít see you come in. I was just sitting here by my fireplace, enjoying a nice glass of cognac as I discuss the dayís politics with other men of great stature. By which I mean Iím lying in bed shirtless, watching old episodes of One Piece over a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Iím currently halfway through the Water 7 Arc, and shit is heating up. That Luffy will stop at nothing to save his nakama!
Anyway, I thought Iíd take some time out from such significant matters to discuss a subject of even greater significance Ė myself! Itís come to my attention that I may be somewhat of a mystery to you all. A man shrouded in secrets. An unknowable enigma of much fascination. Or maybe you donít really care who I am. Well, too bad. Youíre going to shut up and youíre going to sit here and Iím going to tell you 10 super interesting facts about myself and then weíre all going to find out how the Straw Hats can possibly defeat CP9.
1. UsurpMyProse is...
Undoubtedly, the question vexing you the most is ďWho is UsurpMyProse?Ē The subject must keep you awake at night, slowly eating away at the edges of your sanity, driving you to feverish and increasingly incoherent speculation. Is UsurpMyProse a man? A woman? Some kind of hyper intelligent animal who has been taught to communicate through blog posts about Pokťmon? An advanced AI program that has gained sentience and is now trying to understand this emotion you humans call ďvideogame journalismĒ?
Or is UsurpMyProse simply a feeling that exists inside us all? That quiet longing that comes to us in the dead of night, when we think of missed opportunities and words regrettably left unsaid?
Nope! Iím a 26-year-old white guy. I wear glasses and have red hair. I am a Gemini. As far as I can tell, I am an actual person and not just an intangible construct. Though, I do learn something new about myself every day, so who knows?
2. I listen to really sad music
Oh man, guess how much I like sad music! Did you say ďa lotĒ? Well youíre wrong, stupid. The answer is ďtoo much.Ē If thereís one thing that matches my all-encompassing adoration of videogames, then itís my love for bleak, howling-winds-across-my-barren-soul kind of tunes. †Stuff like The Mountain Goats, Andrew Bird, Sufjan Stevens, The National, Heartless Bastards, etc.†
Thatís not to say I listen to sad music †exclusively, but if itís a song about a relationship hurtling headlong toward inevitable disaster, or the never-ending struggle that is our continued existence, then chances are that I have it on my Spotify playlist.
3. Iím a Philadelphia Flyers fan
Or as weíre referred to in the hockey community, ďhuman garbage.Ē But seriously, Philly fans arenít all that bad! Weíre simply passionate, which is a word usually reserved for insane artists and crimes in which spouses murder one another, but is equally applicable to the sort of people who spend their every waking moment hoping every individual member of the Pittsburgh Penguins organization and fan base gets their faces punched in.†
Though can you blame us? I mean, you take one look at Claude Giroux and tell me the things you wouldnít do for that glorious ginger mane.†
4. My favorite game of all time is Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
There are games Iíve devoted more hours to than Disgaea. Iíve played more technically impressive games, games that have resonated more emotionally, even games that were more fun. But I canít think of a single game I love more unabashedly than the PS2 SRPG that consumed a considerable portion of my teenage years. Disgaea is an over-the-top time sink, the kind of niche title thatís impenetrable to those who arenít already on its wavelength, but is one-of-a-kind perfection for anyone charmed by its stylish 2D sprites, endless side quests and secrets, and overbearingly otaku sense of humor.
I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours plumbing the depths of Disgaeaís endless Item Worlds, but still barely managed to scratch the gameís surface. I was never able to level any of my characters to 9999, never obtained any of the Rank 40 items, and only managed to pass a few of the bonus stage proposals through the Dark Assembly. I accomplished way more in Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories, but nothing beats a first love, and only Persona 4 comes close to having a cast of RPG characters I adore more than Laharl, Etna, and Flonne.
5. Iíve talked to famous people!
I fancy myself something of a writer. Which is to say Iím an emotionally compromised man child with failed artistic aspirations and a deep loathing of my own writing abilities. But thatís not to say I havenít written professionally before! In fact, over the last year Iíve done a few interviews for the comedy news website Splitsider, in which I've had the opportunity to talk to Badger from Breaking Bad, the creator of Bob's Burgers, and the Editor of The Onion, all of whom were class acts and politely dealt with me rambling at them in a hyperventilating starstruck frenzy.
6. I really am Penn Stateís 2010 Triwizard Champion
In my blogís ďAbout MeĒ section, I mention that Iím the Penn State 2010 Triwizard Champion. I didnít make that up. That actually happened. †In college, I was a member of Penn Stateís Harry Potter club (yes, thatís a thing) and during our Yule Ball (yes, thatís a thing) I participated in the Triwizard Tournament as the elected representative for Ravenclaw (all things).†
The tournament was basically a bunch of dumb party games, but I won because in the final task I built the largest house of cards with the help of a jar of peanut butter. Like a real goddamn wizard.
7. My avatar comes from an episode of The Venture Bros., and my username comes from a Beastie Boys song
For those interested in such things (i.e. no one), my username comes from a line from my favorite Beastie Boysí song, dropped by the late, great MCA:
At the risk of sounding crass, I would like to mention
That I am well aware of your wack intentions
To usurp my prose, you so-and-so
It's my primary bone of contention
I think it might be the most poetic diss Iíve ever heard. And when it comes to a writing pseudonym, you canít get much better than a reference to hip hopís greatest wordsmiths.
My avatar, meanwhile, comes from the first season Venture Bros. episode ďCareers in Science,Ē in which Dr. Venture has to fix the space station his father built. In a gag that resonates with me on a far too personal level, the only way they know thereís something wrong with the station is an unhelpfully vague "Problem" light. As someone who exists in a near constant state of inexplicable anxiety, I find something striking about a warning light that only tells you thereís a problem, but doesnít bother to define it for you.
Unsurprisingly, Beastie Boys and The Venture Bros. make for two pretty apt Rosetta Stones for figuring me out.
8. My most played game on Steam is The Binding of Isaac
Iím not sure what spending 150 hours as a naked child outrunning my homicidal mother says about me, but Iíd rather not find out. I will say, however, that Binding of Isaac is hands down my favorite product of the recent roguelike boom. The gameís heavy Zelda influence and endless wealth of secrets and unlockables have turned runs through its messy Freudian levels into a nightly ritual.
With 85 secrets found, all I have left to do is beat The Chest on a few more characters, finish Sheol and Cathedral with ???, and somehow figure out a way to get those ďno damageĒ achievements on the Depths and Womb. I feel as if some of those will be impossible to accomplish, but there was a time when I thought I would never even make it past Mom. †Now look at me! Iíve nearly conquered everything the game has to offer... just in time for it all to become meaningless when The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth releases. Yay?
9. If I were a Sailor Moon character, Iíd be Tuxedo Mask
I took BuzzFeedís ďWhich Sailor Moon Character Are You?Ē quiz because I thought itíd be funny to include here and be all like, ďHaha Iím Sailor Venus what does that even mean you guys??Ē But now Iím upset because Iím fucking Tuxedo Mask. Really? Iím the punk who shows up after the Sailor Scouts have done all the hard work just so I can wave my dumb cape around and act important? I took a quiz to find out which magical space princess I am, and you give me the useless man of the bunch?
Actually, I guess thatís pretty accurate. You canít argue with a test that judges you by which Justin Timberlake you prefer.
10. I just bought a Wii U
After the smack down Sony delivered at last yearís E3, I was certain my next gen console of choice was going to be a PS4. I was ready to wash my hands of my Xbox 360 and return to Playstationís loving, expertly marketed embrace. But then something happened. Something nobody could have predicted. Something wonderful.
Now, Iím not saying a single stupid meme is responsible for me driving 45 minutes to the only GameStop in my area with the Mario Kart 8 Wii U Deluxe Bundle still in stock. Itís just that Mario Kart 8 looked so damn fun. As did Super Mario 3D World. And Super Smash Bros. Wii U. And all the classic Wii games I never played because I never owned a Wii.