Good day, Destructoid! (although, it certainly is night in my parts) It may look mysterious or just plain stupid to you (depends on perspective), but that's right – it's my introduction after popping out a blog before. “Well, that's no crime”, you say. Hotdamn, it is! I spent almost two weeks without even introducing myself to this marvelous community full of twisted perverts and dickjokers (there is a word, I guess).
So, I figured; there's no better way to start than listing my Top 10 Fetishes, while blurting out a thing or two about yours truly. Thanks Gajknight
for launching and Dreamweaver
for oiling this demented machine of distorted fantasies.
Well, three mississippi we go!
10. Armor bras
Armor bra is our ancient future. It may seem cold at first, but don't let it fool you, as it's hotter than John Malkovich caressing his own bossoms
. It's comfortable. It's sexy. It's presumably warm and fuzzy. Most importantly, it's safe, right?
I am a sucker for mullatos. Nothing turns me on better than a dark-skinned hot-blooded independent individual. I guarded my Yuko
like one soft-hearted pimp. And Dudley, for that matter. Seriously, though, look at this fancy butt!
8. Rear penetration
I love getting my ass impaled from behind. In these precious moments, life literally flashes before my eyes. The best part is how unrelentlessly hard and unforgiving it feels every time, even when you saw it coming.
is my passion. It may be a “self-inflicted punishment to atone for past sins”. But I like sins. And I am always up for some punishment.
You should try this wonderful lunch.
It’s more than a delicious, tasty crunch.
So says Mr. Stewart.
6. Sidekicks destined to die
I'm wise-cracking short Russian guy. At first, that may sound like some cute sidekick for both Yoshi and Zangief. However, in reality it's more of a combination of Miles Tails
. That said, I obviously have a soft spot for sidekicks. And I hope that sometime they'll all get an opportunity to shove pineapples up theirs so-called friends' butts. Yep, just like that.
These doods! Sure, they are whimsical wimps, but they can get in (and out) of anything. And they're always down to party.
4. Four hands are good, but one machine gun prosthesis is better
“Would you stop crying over fucking spilt milk?”
- “I have NO LEG!”
, Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror was an epitome of grindhouse fans' wet dream. You may yell all you want about how sexy Sheeva
is (there's no accounting for fetishes), but smoky smell of recently fired hot-tempered carbine leg is my kind of perfume.
3. Merchant, just Merchant
There's something undeniably voluptuous in the way he calls me “stranger
” every time we meet. He may behave like it's a senseless business deal; he needs my guns, I'm here to stack 'em. But you can't fool me, no, sir! There's a tension between us you can't deny. There's a reason he keeps following me. One day, I'll melt this stone-cold heart of his. Until then, I'll let him get my stuff at a “high price”.
2. Demon-possessed girlfriends
So horny. Cause they are possessed... and stuff.
1. Final Countdown
is a pure celebration of epicness and should be playing at every moment of your life. You know why? Because... It's the Final Countdown! dadadumdum dadadumdumdumdumdumdum
By the way, if you noticed any presumably gay jokes, you clearly misinterepreted what I wrote. And if you did, please, keep it to yourself. No need bothering a fella. Because where I came from – you shoot first, clean mess later; and even though I'm an enduring fella, there is certainly an amount of what I can swallow.