hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts


Uncle Terror's blog

1:53 PM on 10.28.2014

H8 (Absolutely True and Completely Undeniable) Reasons Your Favourite Game Sucks

[ Warning: there is little or no offensive material in this article apart from four cunts, one clitoris, and a foreskin. And, as they only occur in this opening introduction, you're past them now. The remaining is just some sweet, raw ignorance at its best. ]


You raise up your head

And you ask, “Is it why I'm here?”

And somebody points to you and says

“It's fear”

And you say, “What's near?”

And somebody else says, “Where's beer?”

And you say, “Oh my God,

Am I here all alone?”

Because something is happening here,

And you don't know what it is...


You know what's happenin' and I'm sure as hell aware of why ya stumbling 'round here. You 'ere for some hate, right, partner? Also, to find out why your fave game sucks. Easy, easy, hold your horses! We're civilized fellas... Let's settle this quarrel (which I'm gonna win, without any doubt) by the way of pleasant, old-fashioned showdown debate. Whatcha say? The one to lose is cleaning Uncle Otis' shittin' store, deal? I know it's gonna be you, but well... a man's gotta take his chances, right? So here we go, you 'ungry for dysentery weasels![/size]


[size=28][color=#E55451]H8 (Absolutely True and Completely Undeniable)

Reasons Your Favourite Game Sucks! ♥ [/size][/color]


[size=18] 1) It completely ruined the beloved franchise (a.k.a. “[color=#571B7E]Jump that shark, boyo![/color]”)[/size]

[size=14]A shark's gotta do what a shark's gotta do.

(Presented extracts are courtesy of Crapcom's “Leon's Fishing Simulator Deluxe” ©) [/size]

[size=14]Remember those sweet times when that one franchise was prosperous and utterly original? The time before that game you love and adore came out and ruined everything? Before it turned the series into a “boring shooter” or “hipster-driven stylish malarkey”? I bet you do! Well, changes are horrible. That's why those games are literal manifests of everything wrong with the world. It's like when you go to your favourite cafe to taste yourself some fried toasts (like usual), only to find out how they shove them damn churros down your throat! That's like... totally sick, ain't it?![/size]


[size=18] 2) It is just a rip-off (a.k.a. “[color=#571B7E]What is rip-off? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...[/color]”)[/size]

[size=14]Rip-off? I hardly know off.[/size]

[size=14]Everything is a rip-off in its own way. God of War is a Rygar rip-off. Candy Crash Saga is a Banner Saga rip-off. Dead Space is a Space rip-off. List could go on and on, and on. And, given how much of our universe left uncharted, there just could be another you somewhere along the way, so even you might be a rip-off. You might think that I don't even understand a definition of a word "rip-off". Well, lemme say you something, fella. I know what a rip-off is, and you don't. Also, I know that there's only one outhouse you'll need million of light years to clean and it's Uncle Otis' one. So, you betta stop being an ignorant smarty-pants and grab the darn shovel![/size]


[size=18] 3) It looks plain stupid
(a.k.a. “[color=#571B7E]Look in the mirror[/color]”)[/size]

[size=14]This looks stupid.

And this.

As well as this.

Choose the right videogames. [/size]


[size=18] 4) It's overhyped as shit
(a.k.a. “[color=#571B7E]It's overhyped as shit[/color]”)[/size]

[size=14]Have you ever played "Watch Dawgs"? Well, nobody have. Every single gamer in this galaxy was so disappointed by the game's overall quality that it was massively ignored by the community and sold roughly 8 mil. copies (that's like diaper money). The worst thing is... people never learn. I never believed in Destiny, but some darn fatalists did! And most of them were let down by the end result.

You wanna know why those so-called "overhyped" games weren't as good as we wanted them to be, in the first place? I have an answer why. [/size]

[size=14]Them damn commies.[/size]

[size=14]Commies are like complete opposites of Santa Claus' elves. They don't help make stuff, they help make it as sucky as one could. They might look like some outgoing, "let's partaaaay" chaps, but when the sun goes down, those magnificent bastards run like a lightning to the nearest videogame companies and break your most anticipated titles. The worst thing is... you don't know who they are. It might as well be you, me or my best buddy, Cletus. There could be one standing right behind you as you're reading this text.

They pretend to eat.
They pretend to sleep.
They pretend to know you.
The only natural desire they have is breaking your would-be favourite game.

And they'll never stop until there's no "overhyped" game left untouched.

#commies #lookout #truth [/size]


[size=18] 5) It got less than 8,5 from those guys next door
(a.k.a. “[color=#571B7E]Metacritic is the best critic![/color]”)[/size]

[size=14]It should, you silly billy goose you.

[size=14] 8,5 is at least an adequate justification for mediocority. But even less than that? That's some horse poo-poo, if you ask me. Playing the game like this is not only a waste of time, but a disservice to community. It's also utterly disgusting. It's a digital equivalent of holding an ejaculating elephant trunk in your hands. It may be fun at first, but in the end, it feels nothing but messy.[/size]


[size=18] 6) It was made by a woman
(a.k.a. “[color=#571B7E]Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?[/color]”)[/size]


[size=14] When I first stumbled upon a gut-bustingly hilarious thought thata woman could be something of a help outside of the kitchen, I heard a blob of two year old moonshine bursting from laughing somewhere down ma belly. It was so absurd and abnormal, that even my old girl, Muriel, got a good chuckle outta this one.

Then, our most respected local drunk, Billy Bob, came to the town with the disgusting news that some strange beasts called “feminists” were indeed roaming around our parts. We were so shittin' scared, that our local doctor, Billy Bob Jr., declared quarantine (the biggest one, since when some fancy city folks told us that masturbate isn't used to catch large fish). Worst of all, it happened during our annal tradition of celebrating Pelvis' anniversary (sadly, he doesn't get as much love as his cousin).

So, Billy Bob gathered up a posse of deadly possums, they buckled up and drove into sunset on a big hunt. We never heard a word from them since then. Ever.

Why I told ya all this? Well, to show you how stupid it is to even consider a thought that woman could make a game, let alone try to get out of its natural habitat. Makes absolutely no sense, right? [/size]


[size=16] 7) It's exclusive (a.k.a. “[color=#571B7E]It's in the game, sucka!”)[/size][/color]

[size=14]EA loves and respects everyone.[/size]

[size=14] You know why some developers release their games on a particular system? Wha? Cause of some utterly ridiculous devil pacts with the publishers? Sorry, I couldn't hear you cause the air is too damped by the bullshit flowing around. No. The answer is barer than your mom on the day you was born (I know it, I was there). It's because they're greedy bastards. [/size]

[size=14]WiiU? Moar like FkU![/size]

Let's take Bayonetta 2, for example. Why WiiU? Everybody knows WiiU is a console for little kids, right? And what little, pesky, obnoxious (and, probably too fat and too virgin) kids like more than watching the plumber (?) fail to get the princess everytime? Long-legged sexy witches, of course! So what do the greedy bastards do? They make their game exclusive to sell more copies (and consoles, obviously). Voila! Simple as that.

Now take a look at Electronic Arts. These lavish fellas release their games on every available console (damn sure there are even some on the toasters). Why so? Because, unlike Nintendo, Microsoft and that other greedy corporation giant, they care about us. They treat us like people, not costumers. They are like that good-natured Midas fella. Generous, sincere and outgoing chaps they are. Anyway, they could poo gold, and you couldn't. So, go get a life and stop being an envious jerk.


[size=16] 8) Most importantly, it sucks because...[/size]

[size=20]YOU SUCK![/size]

[size=16]a.k.a. “You are a worthless pansy-ass who is now weeping and slobbering all over your gameset like a nine year old girl!

Your life sucks. Your pets hate you. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/mom is probably cheating on you with your best bud (who's smelling of elderberries, by the way).

I don't even want to talk to you no more. I fart in your general direction!” [/size]

[size=16]I know what you mighta thinking. An angry, old cracker. Well, guess what, you darn muthas? I AM old, and so happens that I rounded up a lot of them cattles back in the day. And sometimes... I get a little angry. So suck a dick!

And remember: you're always entitled to your wrong opinion.

Good Night, and Good Luck, you pondering sloths!

See ya at Uncle Otis' outhouse meditation parlour! [/size]


11:42 AM on 10.07.2014

Damn Fine Coffee! Right, Zach?

For some, today might be remembered as just another Tuesday. But for me, it will always be the day two cups of good, hot, black as midnight on a moonless night coffee warmed my soul with the most exciting news since the invention of sinner's sandwich. That's right, folks! Twin Peaks is coming back! So grab yer' log and cherry pies and sit beside me, while I take a moment of reflection on why it's so darn awesome news for us, gamers.


[size=18]But first, a few classy tunes to keep you in the mood for some delicious food. Also, don't worry, everything is spoiler-free, so don't be afraid to read a little too much words ;)[/size]


[size=14]It's official, fellas! Twin Peaks will return on Showtime with a new nine-episode season. Show's creators, David Lynch and Mark Frost are both heavily involved as writers and producers, with Lynch also being the director of the whole season. It was also confirmed that it's the sequel we should be waiting for (not prequel or spin-off, which is the usual deal with everything nowadays). Which fittingly means that phrase "I'll see you again in 25 years", said in the final episode, should now be interpreted literally (and that's damn ambitious, to say the least).[/size]

[size=14]A special picture for all those who still can't decide, whether or not the show worth a look.[/size]

[size=14]For those, who haven't experienced the cult adorable fest of dementia and wicked humor called "Twin Peaks" yet, it's a detective story about an investigation of the brutal murder of young homecoming queen, led by an FBI Special Agent Francis... ehem!... Dale Bartholomew Cooper with a little help from local police force, which takes place in a small, quiet town of Twin Peaks, Washington.

The premise may sound a little too dry, like a usual one for detective stories nowadays, but Twin Peaks took it to the whole new level back in the day (it still holds up greatly, by the way). Everything looks interesting and thoroughly detailed in the series and everyone has got his own fair share of skeletons in the closet. Writing is top-notch and could easily transcend relaxing (borderline meditating) sequences into thrill rides so tense, that your heart will be begging for mercy.

All in all, if you are a fan of anything mysterious and captivating, check out the series. I have no idea where this will lead you, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange.[/size]

[size=14] Without a doubt, Twin Peaks significantly influenced our lives. Videogames included. And that's why it's so darn wonderful! Without Twin Peaks, there wouldn't be that amazing "peaceful town full of mysteries" kind of stories. For me, it's the best kind. Because if you've ever lived in a quiet, small town in the middle of nowhere, you would agree that the most needful thing out there is some unexpected, inexplicable stuff visiting your backyard.[/size]

[size=14] Enough of the chit-chat! It's gaming blog, for Pac-Man's sake! So, 'ere some games to keep you, starving for coffee and pancakes nerds, satisfied. Or, in case you aren't familiar with the series, justify my overly nostalgic piece of malarkey. Here we go!


[color=#800080][size=24]Deadly Premonition[/color][/size]

[size=14]You've won one ticket to the "I said so"-land, if you thought that Swery's irresistible showcase of weirdness and b-movie references would get another mention somewhere down the road. And, why the heck wouldn't it? The man was clearly a fan of Twin Peaks. Savage murder of local beauty? Check. FBI Agent with some quirky habits and overwhelming lust for hot coffee? Check. Quiet town with creepy beliefs? A lady obsessing over a inanimate object like it's her own child? Check. Check. Hell, there even were midgets and the red room included in the game (instead of little kids), when first trailer came out. Some may call it a rip-off. I call it a lovingly-made homage. After all, it's a game that captured quirkiness more naturally than any other game before. Sincerety. It's a rare thing in our world, you know.[/size]


[color=#800080][size=24]Alan Wake[/color][/size]

[size=14]Remedy. Them adorable sons of a gun! They not only managed to emerge a gem right under the Microsoft's prickly noses, but also did it with grace and style. Alan Wake is fueled by great narrative, funny dialogues, insanely cool soundtrack by Poets of the Fall, lovely throwbacks to your favourite movies and books... oh, the list goes on and on. There are so many details, packed so nealty in the core story, that you couldn't help but wonder how the heck it all could fit there. It's like Pandora's box, only instead of evils it contains all the awesomeness of the world. They even had enough time and inspiration to create goofy Twilight Zone-esque episodes of fictional "Night Springs" TV show and put them inside the game. How utterly crazy does it sound? You could clearly see guys were having fun with it. I hope more developers could learn a thing or two from them.[/size]


[color=#800080][size=24]Nelson Tethers: Puzzle Agent[/color][/size]

[size=14]And finally, a game less recognisable and acclaimed than the ones above, yet the one that deserves special attention for trying to be different. Nelson Tethers: Puzzle Agent. Made by Telltale Games in collaboration with Graham Annable, it tells us a story of Nelson Tethers, the one and only member of FBI's Puzzle Research Division, who was sent on the special assignment to solve the mystery of Scoggins Eraser Factory. The erasers produced there were used by White House, so it's chance for our hero to shine! Soon enough, you learn that nothing's so simple in this calm, frosty town. Woods are swarmed with Hidden People, puzzles become more and more dangerous as you proceed and guy in a spacesuit starting to appear out of nowhere. Usual stuff in Minnesota, ya know![/size]


[size=18]As you could see, there are enough lovingly-crafted gems out there worth playing (and replaying), in anticipation for that "gum you like that's coming back in style". So, please, give 'em a try or just remind their creators how much you adore these quirky attractions. Because each and every one of them deserve it. [/size]


[size=20]That's all for today, folks. Keep it classy, Dtoid! Terror is out.[/size]


8:00 AM on 10.05.2014

Weekly Dtoid #3 (September 29 - October 5, 2014): "Calling Dibs on Your Waifus!"

Howdy-do, fellas! Weekly Dtoid is back in the game and it's playing for keeps! This week we have waifus. Lots and lots of waifus. Also, narwhals (if you're into stuff like this). Whatcha waiting for? To the waiwhals and beyond! Now with 300% more tunes to keep you in the funky mood while reading in the 'hood.



[size=14]Funky time? You betcha! [/size]


[size=22][color=red]Uncle's Weekly Yackety-Yak[/size][/color]

[size=14]Thank you all for that sweet support you've cheered up me with! "Weekly Dtoid" is building up to be a regular thing and I hope to continue making it as informative and entertaining as possible. Although, there will be a pattern, I will not be using the same formulaic structure over and over again. So expect some unexpected changes from time to time ;)

Last week, I stumbled upon new Gravity Falls episode "Soos and the Real Girl" (Disclaimer: I'm totally not advertising this overly genius artistic piece of a show). It was about a local sidekick, Soos, a sweet lovable manchild buffoon, who has a heart of gold and a great sense of humor, yet quite insecure about his relationships (he almost married a cute girl once, while pig was being trapped in his body). So, main heroes of the show decided to help him find "that special one" and make his adorable "your life is my soap opera" latino grandpa proud. It may sound like a cliche trope about somebody's road to maturation and taking responsibility, but Gravity Falls is extremely aware of any cliches and always takes a thoughtful (and gut-bustingly hilarious) approach to any problem. [/size]


[size=14]"But I'm about to meet her parents! Her dad is an octopus-man!"[/size]

So, our heroes thought it would be a good idea to rent a date sim from a local videogames store... The one that previous owners returned with the words "destroy at all costs" carved on the cover. Yep, that's Gravity Falls for you, folks. I won't spoil it any further, because it deserves to be seen (it ends not as predictable as one may think and there's a secondary plot concerning living animatronics).


[size=14]"Hello, friends. Hoo Ha the owl is dead."[/size]

[size=14]What stuck with me, however, was Soos' attitude when he was playing the game.
*chooses option "I am impatient! Date me now!"*
- "Ah, I messed up!"

- "That's okay. Try again!"
- "Wow, I'm learning! And games are making it fun."

That reminded me to add one more thing to the list of reasons why we love videogames so much. They're not only fun, but also value our mistakes much less than they would cost in real lives. Games create such situations where we are forced to decide what to do and how to do it, but if we fail there's always a chance to undo our faults. Yet, I don't think it's a bad thing. In a sense, game could be a good teacher. The one that cares about you and shows that there are different approaches to every situation. The one that doesn't blame you for making a step forward. The gentle kind... with enough waifus to keep you interesting.[/size]

[size=16]Uncle's jabber has come to an end. Next stop: waifus and narwhals.[/size]


[size=18][color=red]Some rules, concerning the list:[/color]

1. No “Early Access” stuff. Only finished products (and yes, swarmed-with-bugs chef-d'oeuvres destined to be patched kinda count, too).

2. No DLCs, unless they could be considered “addons”. So, yep – no Dead or Alive costume coverages, you adorable fapping nerds you.

3. Last week's games only. That way, we could have some time to weigh in on our experiences and let the hype train rush past our station.

4. No Japan releases, sadly. For two reasons: firstly, Japanese isn't one of my strong suits; and secondly – you wouldn't want to get teased by funky games that we may get but probably wouldn't (for various reasons, including “Eff' you, West!”), right?

5. Underlooked stuff is top priority. I'm not completely unbiased, but I do know when some game gets a lot of attention and when it doesn't. However, that doesn't mean I will skip big releases. Just not gloss over them so intensively.

Onto the waif...I meant, video games then! [/size]


[size=22][color=red]Uncle's Personal Picks[/size][/color]

[size=16][color=#800080]Forza Horizon 2 (Xbox One, Xbox 360)
Developer: Playground Games (Xbox One), Sumo Digital (Xbox 360)
Publisher: Microsoft Studios
Reviewed by Brett Zeidler 

[size=14]I never was a Forza fan. I've never bought an Xbox. I've never planned on getting One. But after seeing Horizon 2's gorgeously uplifting hip intro and incredibly captivating backgrounds, all played to the sounds of strangely relaxing euro-beats, I was initially sold. It indeed looks and plays like a sumptuous catharsis-inducing carnival. Fun, flashy, quick and breathtakingly amusing (especially when you're riding your Rover with Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" banging from the inside), Forza Horizon 2 deserves all the hype it got and then some more. Just play it and relax. Life Is Beautiful, you see?[/size]


[size=22][color=red]The Notable Stuff[/size][/color]

[size=16][color=#800080] Persona 4 Arena Ultimax (PS3, Xbox 360)
Developer: Arc System Works, Atlus
Publisher: Atlus
Reviewed by Kyle MacGregor

[size=14]While everybody here went crazy calling dibs on Smash characters, someone out there captured all your favourite waifus. Now you're the only one who could bring them back, Black-Dynamiting your way through. Just kidding, it's not the official premise (but hell, it'd make a day-one buy for me). Though, the game is one of the best among this year's fighthings. Made by genre vets (Guilty Gear and BlazBlue series' creators), for fans all over the world, it's a match made in waifu heaven. You can watch waifus fighting, you can play as a waifu, you can even beat the shit out the waifus you don't like while playing as another waifus. Give the game some tough love already!
By the way, if anyone's interested, Mitsuru-senpai is already dibbed :P[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS (3DS)
Developer: Sora Ltd., Bandai Namco Games
Publisher: Nintendo
Reviewed by Chris Carter

[size=14] Super Smash Bros. returns! Many things had been said about the game, so here's a picture of Kirby Palutena! Ooooh, baby, you're so royal! [/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments (PC, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One)
Developer: Frogwares
Publisher: Focus Home Interactive[/color][/size]

[size=14]Taking the best from Sherlock Holmes adaptations, old and new, Frogwares managed to create their own vision of legendary detective in their most slick game to date. Crimes and Punishments (nod to Dostoevsky, y'all!) presents an interesting take on Holmes' mysterious personality by branching narrative into a couple of stories from different periods of his life. Fans of narrative-driven adventures won't be dissapointed.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Ranko Tsukigime's Longest Day (PS3)
Developer: Crispy, Inc., Grasshopper Manufacture
Publisher: Bandai Namco Games [/color][/size]

[size=14]Companion piece to Sunrise's Short Peace project (four anime shorts + one video game), Ranko Tsukigime's Longest Day is a side-scrolling platform game that follows the titular heroine, a schoolgirl-assassin who is tasked with killing her own father. And yes, her weapon of choice is a sniper rifle that fires bullets when played like a violin. That's Suda51 story for you, folks.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080] Starwhal: Just the Tip (PC)
Developer: Breakfall
Publisher: Breakfall[/size][/color]

[size=14]"The local multi-player space narwhal fighting game...! The heart-piercing action...! Starwhal: Just the Tip is a simulation of dreams in an ocean of the mind." - if these quotes from Steam Store don't get you excited for the game (or at least, put a stupid grin on your face), then you just don't like fun. Or narwhals. In which case, beware. Cause they're so awesome... and deadly.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor (PC, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One)
Developer: Monolith Productions
Publisher: Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
Reviewed by Chris Carter

[size=14]Nice God of War-style story supported by its revolutionary stealth mechanics borrowed straight from Assassin's Creed and universally-aclaimed Arkham-style brawling. Would be a great title if it didn't look so unispired and repetitive. The atmosphere and cleverly-told story are definite highlights, though. And music is epic enough to make battles seem even more brutal.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Natural Doctrine (PS3, PS4, Vita)
Developer: Kadokawa Games
Publisher: NIS America [/color][/size]

[size=14]As unique take on tactical RPGs, Natural Doctrine isn't beautiful nor user-friendly enough to bring new players into the mix. Hardcore fans of Japanese strategies and those seeking for a game soundtrack to feed their ears upon, should definitely pay attention to the title. To those, curious about mechanics - here's a gameplay "guide" trailer (in Japanese, cause it's way more accessible that way, am I right?). [/size]


[color=red][size=16]Also, on this week: [/size][/color]

[size=14][/size] Wrack - pure indie-shooter fun following the best traditions of Doom, combined with Borderlands' visual flair. May surprise you, if you're fan of stuff like that. On Steam;
Chariot - cute platformer rolling out on Xbox One and PS4, premise is morbidly fun and gameplay seems like a amusing time-waster;
Futuridium EP - high-octane old-school shooter with 3D graphics is being remastered for PS4 and Vita;
Skylanders: Trap Team - the return of toy figures-oriented action-platformer, including a sharkcreature with fonny accent. Available everywhere (except PC, yep);
Outland - Housemarque's stylish platformer finally lands on Steam;
while Second Chance Heroes, co-op action-arcade about historical figures dealing with the end of the world, makes its way onto PSN;
Pier Solar and the Great Architects - turn-based RPG, inspired by classics and made exclusively for Sega Genesis in 2010, is now coming to Steam and PSN. It may not be the prettiest, but you've gotta give the fellas credit for being ambitious (there's even Dreamcast version planned!).

[size=18]And... that's all for now, boys and girls! If you have any critique, words of advice or if you just want to tell us your opinion and have a nice chat, you're more than welcome! And if you'd like to delve into dispute about any given stuff, I'll hear you out and gladly accept the challenge. It's not like I'm some kind of Spanish inquisition... [/size]


8:36 AM on 09.28.2014

Weekly Dtoid #2 (22-28 September, 2014) Now in CINEMAPHONIC QUADROVISION!

Howdy, partners! Weekly Dtoid's here, your regular guide to gaming pleasures and a hog-killin' time! This week is less generous on surprises than them buzzards on diarrhea, yet we've got a few gems here and there. So, let's posse up and fuddle together until the sun goes down!

[size=14][ This article is powered by Cinemaphonic Quadrovision.
Cinemaphonic Quadrovision. When Tres just isn't enough, sucka! ][/size]


[size=22][color=red]Uncle's Weekly Yackety-Yak[/size][/color]

[size=14]First of all, I'm much obliged to each and every one of you, who gave any kind of feedback on the first issue. Now, I'm feeling more confident on bringing the weekly piece while not being afraid to spit a thing or two from my harum-scarum head. Huge thank you for that!

While many gamers out there are beyond-hyped for the new Smash Bros., I can't feel anything but sympathetic with them (had a blast with Brawl myself, back in the day). However, there's another sweet darling I'm deeply anticipating next week. Gone Girl by David Fincher. Yes, I'm both a cinephile and a gamer. Crazy, right? This isn't about me being such a cool cat, by the way. It's all about the ill-fated hype. You may think you've heard this one before and predict that I'll end on the "fellas, be good to each other and don't follow the hype" note. If so, you're pretty much off the road.[/size]

[size=14]Hype is one strange beast, yes. It could be sweet, cruel or just plain misleading. However, what I find particularly strange about it is its nature. People love to get hyped, that's obvious. But as we're hopping from one stuff to another without ever looking back, I wonder why we give it so much attention. It just looks like we stopped living the day and always wait for that sweet, better tomorrow now. That's a good feeling, a feeling of having a goal somewhere along the line, yet it prevents us from truly enjoying something. Some of us don't even play the games, they just wait and wait some more. Hype becomes even more enjoyable than actually experiencing something you've craved for a long time. Is it an issue? I guess it's just a logical progression of our childish habits projected onto the digital age. Remember that feeling of anxiety when you're week away from Christmas? Or when you're waiting for them heartwarming summer holidays at your grandpa's place?

The thing is, hype isn't so bad. People make it look bad. It's all because of our uncontrollable desire to experience something as soon as one can. It fullfills our emotional needs, but you've gotta tame the beast and not let it control you. Otherwise, it could become some sort of addiction. And that's not a good thing to have, trust me. [/size]

[size=16]Anyway, what you think about the hype and its nature? If you have anything interesting to say, shoot them thoughts in the comments and let's have a genuine discussion![/size]


[size=18][color=red]Some rules, concerning the list:[/color]

1. No “Early Access” stuff. Only finished products (and yes, swarmed-with-bugs games destined to be patched kinda count, too).

2. No DLCs, unless they could be considered “addons”. So, yep – no Dead or Alive costume coverages, you adorable fapping nerds you.

3. Last week's games only. That way, we could have some time to weigh in on our experiences and let the hype train rush past our station.

4. No Japan releases, sadly. For two reasons: firstly, Japanese isn't one of my strong suits; and secondly – you wouldn't want to get teased by funky games that we may get but probably wouldn't (for various reasons, including “Eff' you, West!”), right?

5. Underlooked stuff is top priority. I'm not completely unbiased, but I do know when some game gets a lot of attention and when it doesn't. However, that doesn't mean I will skip big releases. Just not gloss over them so intensively.

Onto the games then! The gems we deserve and the ones we need right now. [/size]


[size=22][color=red]Uncle's Personal Picks[/size][/color]

[size=16][color=#800080]The Vanishing of Ethan Carter (PC, later on PS4)
Developer: The Astronauts
Publisher: The Astronauts [/color][/size]

[size=14]When I first heard that the people involved in creating Painkiller and Bulletstorm were developing first-person adventure in the same vein as Dear Esther, I remember it looked... strange, at the very least. Back to the now, they not only managed to succeed, but, according to reviews (both critics' and users'), also outdid themselves by making an immersive Lovecraftian detective story with wonderful photo-realistic views, nice investigating mechanics and amazing story to back it all up. There are even some tentacles in the trailer (that's ancient gods for you, dawg!).[/size]


[size=22][color=red]The Notable Stuff[/size][/color]

[size=16][color=#800080] Hyrule Warriors (WiiU)
Developer: Omega Force, Team Ninja, Nintendo
Publisher: Tecmo Koei, Nintendo
Reviewed by Chris Carter 

[size=14]From the guys who gifted the world with a "man of peerless might", comes a great tornado-fueled action in The Legend of Zelda universe. To be frankly, it's a combination of Zelda's charm and Musou games' unabashed enthusiasm. That's a win-win for me. If you're not a fan of both (blasphemy!) and still feeling mixed about it, check out Destructoid's piece by our review machine, Chris Carter.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Neverending Nightmares (PC)
Developer: Infinitap Games
Publisher: Infinitap Games [/color][/size]

[size=14]As with Murasaki Baby last week, we've got a bleak, thoughtful game about personal struggles more than nightmarish creatures (though, there must be some, of course). Heavily inspired by the art works of Edward Gorey, it takes a minimalist approach to guide your through one's depression. It's an interesting premise, realized beautifully.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Gauntlet (PC)
Developer: Arrowhead Game Studios
Publisher: Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
Reviewed by Chris Carter [/color][/size]

[size=14]Fun times return! Gauntlet, top-down hack 'n' slash from the 80's, is back in action. It may be simple in terms of graphics and mechanics, but you know what they say - sometimes the simple way is the best way. There's also co-op (online and local) up to four players. So, what are you waiting for? Grab some buds and go mow them goblins! [/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Defense Grid 2 (PC)
Developer: Hidden Path Entertainment
Publisher: 505 Games [/color][/size]

[size=14]Tower-defense reinvented. That's what many people have said about the first game. If you don't buy the whole "revolution" thing, don't worry. Defense Grid 2 could be a fun time-waster that you wouldn't be ashamed to play. It's slick, gorgeous and have insanely addictive mechanics. Some may say sequel is a step-left from a previous one, though.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080] Ar nosurge: Ode to an Unborn Star (PS3)
Developer: Gust Co. Ltd.
Publisher: Tecmo Koei[/size][/color]

[size=14]Your weekly dose of JRPG is here! Ar nosurge, a prequel to Ar tonelico series is going to please you with its cute visuals (and girls in bikinis, cause Japan!), lovely music and not-so-simple battle mechanics. If you're still not interested, here's some hawt art to soften your heart (and heart only).[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Frozen Synapse Prime (Vita)
Developer: Mode 7
Publisher: Mode 7 [/color][/size]

[size=14]Reimagining of 2011's indie hit, Frozen Synapse Prime is a thinking man's fast-paced action. It may look strange and complicated at first, but if you dig deeper, you would find an incredibly creative combination of turn-based strategy and Rainbow Six type of strategic planning. Either way, descriptions don't do the game justice. But once you've embraced its spirit, it's addictive gameplay and amazing soundtrack (fusion of new age, trance and classic RTS music) that'll keep you immersed.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Disney Infinity: Marvel Super Heroes (PC, PS3, PS4, Vita, WiiU, Xbox 360, Xbox One)
Developer: Avalanche Software, Ninja Theory
Publisher: Disney Interactive
Reviewed by Chris Carter

[size=14]Update of a kids-friendly Disney adventure experiment. Now with your favourite super heroes (and villains), Samuel L. Jackson's badass charisma and Black Widow that looks suspiciously similar to Kim Possible. [/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Stronghold: Crusader II (PC)
Developer: Firefly Studios
Publisher: Firefly Studios [/color][/size]

[size=14]Long-awaited, not-so-glorious return to form from Stronghold franchise. It may not be the best one at that, but everything's better than Stronghold 3, right? [/size]


[color=red][size=16]Also, on this week: [/size][/color]

[size=14]Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance - get them nanomachines, son! Now on Mac.
Fenix Rage - cute platformer in the vein of Super Meat Boy. Nothing revolutionary but fun. On Steam.
Arcana Heart 3: LOVE MAX!!!! - an adequate remaster of an adequate 2D fighting. Adequate! On PS3.
Counter-Strike Nexon: Zombies - free-to-play MMOFPS based on original Counter-Strike. Now with 100% more zombies! If you need it, you've probably played it already. On Steam.
FIFA 15  - well, it's FIFA. Available everywhere.
Flockers - Team17's unnecessary remake of "Lemmings" with sheeps. If you could get past similarity, you're in for a treat.
Grid 2 Reloaded Edition - another Grid this week. Only with cars instead of towers. On Mac.
Slender: The Arrival - Slender erm... arrived on PSN and XBLA.
Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL World Duel Carnival - card battling game in Yu-Gi-Oh franchise. On 3DS. Without online multiplayer. Yep. [/size]


[size=18]And another week has passed, folks! As always, any critique and other sorts of feedback will be highly appreciated. I want to be sure that a project like this is a welcoming addition to Destructoid cblogs. So, feel free to speak your mind. We'll meet again next Sunday.

Until that... So long, kiddos![/size]


1:35 PM on 09.23.2014

Weekly Dtoid #1 (15-21 September, 2014)

Welcome to Weekly Dtoid, partner! If you're looking for some new games to spend your hard-earned moniez on, you've come to the right place. From now on, I'll highlight every game release I stumble upon weekly. All that just to save some of your precious time and help you notice some underlooked gems out there. And, oh boy, there are a bunch of 'em. Cause life is full of surprises, fellas!

[size=14]Let's begin with some introductory malarkey. Yay!

I've decided to do this weekly recap series after the good-ol' talking with Barry Kelly. He had a fair share of points to the whole “journalists should take initiatve in covering less-known games” topic. So, I thought, if the site needs them moneys for covering AAA-projects to get by, then why we, community, couldn't help managing some of the game coverage by ourselves? Destructoid has wonderful community and no matter what you think about the site itself, these guys get their share of gratitude for making all this happen. So, let's celebrate video games, Destructoid and you, pimps and playas, by helping each other finding great games and making it one swell tradition.[/size]

[size=18][color=red]Some rules, concerning the list:[/color]

1. No “Early Access” stuff. Only finished products (and yes, broken-on-release games destined to be patched kinda count, too).

2. No DLCs, unless they could be considered “addons”. So, yep – no Dead or Alive costumes coverages, you adorable fapping nerds you.

3. Previous week's games only. That way, we could have some time to weight on our experiences and let the hype train rush past our station.

4. No Japan releases, sadly. For two reasons: firstly, Japanese isn't one of my strong suits; and secondly – you wouldn't want to get teased by funky games that we may get but probably wouldn't (for various reasons, including “Eff' you, West!”), right?

5. Underlooked stuff is top priority. I'm not completely unbiased, but I do know when some game gets a lot of attention and when it doesn't. However, that doesn't mean I will skip big releases. Just not gloss over them so intensively.

So, without further ado, hop on and ride along! [/size]


[size=22][color=red]Uncle's Personal Picks[/size][/color]

[size=16][color=#800080]D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die (Xbox One)
Developer: Access Games
Publisher: Microsoft Studios[/color][/size]

[size=14]Hidetaka Suehiro aka "Swery65", creator of cult mind-bending hit Deadly Premonition, is back in business with this tense Kinect-friendly episodic adventure that involves time-travelling, deliciously bad puns and fights with your local catgirl. Destructoid's own Chris Carter wrote a d-licious review about it, praising the game's weird yet incredibly comforting and captivating nature. Long story short, look for the D. It really worth it.[/size]


[size=16][color=#800080]Roundabout (PC)
Developer: No Goblin
Publisher: No Goblin[/color][/size]

[size=14]Follow the adventures of Georgio Manos, arguably the world's most famous revolving chauffeur, in this self-published, Kuru Kuru Kururin-inspired driving-puzzle b-movie fest from the people who know everything about cheesiness and fun (new-born studio is founded by designers of such gems, as Destroy All Humans! and The Gunstringer).[/size]


[size=16][color=#800080]Endless Legend (PC)
Developer: AMPLITUDE Studios
Publisher: AMPLITUDE Studios [/color][/size]

[size=14]Gorgeous 4X-styled turn-based strategy game (think of Civilization for fantasy buffs, only with slightly enchanced mechanics) from the creators of Endless Space. Achieved with Unity engine and powered by amazingly beautiful art-style, game runs smoothly and looks magnificent. It may sound like your typical fantasy, but even if it is, it's one of a kind spirit-wise.[/size]


[size=22][color=red]The Notable Stuff[/size][/color]

[size=16][color=#800080] Wasteland 2 (PC)
Developer: inXile Entertainment
Publisher: inXile Entertainment [/color][/size]

[size=14]The official sequel to 1988's post-apocalyptic RPG Wasteland (legendary Fallout was its spiritual successor) under direction of its original creator, Brian Fargo. Kickstarter darling, rough around the edges, yet lovingly crafted tactical RPG. They rarely do them like that these days, so if you're into deep role-playing experiences, you shouldn't even think about missing it.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call (3DS)
Developer: Square Enix
Publisher: Square Enix [/color][/size]
Reviewed by Chris Carter

[size=14]Final Fantasy's beats return to your handheld! Met with huge both critical and gamers' acclaim, the latest entry in Theatrhythm series masterfully plays on your nostalgia notes. It's sweet, it's tender, it's a must-have for fans.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Murasaki Baby (Vita)
Developer: Ovosonico
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment [/color][/size]

[size=14]This lovely short tale, set in the world of fantasies and fears, may not be the best reason to buy Vita, but with Akira Yamaoka's song to boot, this somewhat short, yet strangely cute gothic-styled platformer could keep you satisfied for a few hours. [/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm Revolution (PS3, Xbox 360, PC)
Developer: CyberConnect2
Publisher: Bandai Namco Games [/color][/size]

[size=14]Another entry in ever-growing Naruto franchise. CyberConnect may missed their mark this time, but it's still serviceable and enjoyable fighting, nonetheless. Studio Pierrot once again helms animated cutscenes, so it will be beautiful to look at, at the very least.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]Fairy Fencer F (PS3)
Developer: Compile Heart
Publisher: NIS America [/color][/size]

[size=14]If you crave for a new JRPG, Nippon Ichi got you covered. Fairy Fencer F (from developers of Hyperdimension Neptunia) is perfectly adequate addition to your library.[/size]

[size=16][color=#800080]ArcheAge (PC)
Developer: XL Games
Publisher: Trion Worlds [/color][/size]

[size=14]Korean MMORPG brought to you by the former developer of Lineage. I don't really know what to make of it. It sure looks good on MMO terms, but servers are currently crying with agony, so feedback is mostly negative. Here's some gameplay, though. [/size]


[color=red][size=14]Also, on this week: [/size][/color]
[size=14]Final Fantasy IV (remake) - get it now on Steam, it's classic, dawg!
Total War: Rome II - enjoy more AI-stupidity (seriously though, they're trying to fix it), now on Mac;
Goat Simulator on iOS, Android - people sure like goats;
Tropico 5 - become nation's favourite dictator, now on Mac and Linux;
Cooking Mama 5: Bon Appetit! - another Cooking Mama on 3DS;
Elminage Gothic - port of Japanese Wizardy-style dungeon crawler from PSP to PC;
Age of Empires: Castle Siege - your personal Free-to-play AoE (if you ever needed one) on PC and iPhones. [/size]


[size=18]That's all for this week, folks! If you enjoyed this weekly piece or have some interesting critique in its address, please feel free to give me feedback. I'll vastly appreciate it, as I want to know if weekly project like this is needed to be continued.[/size]


10:12 AM on 09.15.2014

My Favourite Game: DP

In the world, there are many DPs I find irresistibly captivating. However, this one takes the cake for being the most candid and humane out of bunch. Of course, I'm talking about...

[size=14]Okay, not so humane, but still sincere in its intentions, right? Wrong. This is the game that takes some sadisticly delicious pleasure in frustrating your self-esteem and confusing your brain more succesfully than any confuse-a-cat before.[/size]

[size=14]You have probably heard all those songs of praise and symphonies of cacophonic horror Deadly Premonition has received. And, despite what your favourite game-critic / friend / mom said, it's all ephemeral until you experience it on your own.[/size]

[size=14]So, here it is, my personal experience with DP. Not a review, not a “been there-shat pants”, but an opinion. A subjective piece of intimate malarkey.[/size]

[size=14]When you meet a strange sort of fella, it's highly doubtable you'll remember him/her as more than a “phew, that was one fancy block I saw” after the first meeting. Yet, you feel that inexplicable desire to get together later and learn more. Mysterious things always attract. That's like, some private ancient law.[/size]

[size=14]However, as you find more about the stuff you previously considered inconceivable, your look at it changes. It ain't so incomprehensible anymore. Furthermore, as you keep trying to reason with it, your looking also affects it, even changes it at some point. Looking at something changes it. Them fancy folks call it “The Uncertainty Principle”. So why did I smarty-pants about it?[/size]

[size=14]Well, Deadly Premonition always was quite a polarizing experience. For some, it was a work of genius, for others – utter crapfest. As persons, each with different experiences and opinions, we cannot be “objective” in any true sense of this word. Ever. But that's why I love Deadly Premonition. It just doesn't give two roughly-edged (yet delicately spiced) shits about what you think.[/size]

[size=14]Deadly Premonition lives its own life (as close as someone could say that about any videogame). Every NPC even ha
s his own week schedule. You could stay under their windows for hours, peeping as they cook dinner, watch TV, drink beer and workout. Why on Earth would one even do that? Hell, if I know, but it certainly ups the game's independent spirit.[/size]

[size=14]And while it doesn't really care about your opinion, it strangely wouldn't mind becoming your friend. Even more, it quite actively longs to be closer to you. From the first moments and until the very end of the game, main protagonist is speaking with someone named Zach. You know you aren't Zach, right? (in case, you are, remember: I deeply envy you) So why does he keep adressing you? These whole between-missions rides feel like hanging out with your little nutty (though, incredibly lovable) grandpa. He may be implausibly awkward for most of the times, yet you don't mind spending an hour or two just listening to his amazingly weird stories (and oh, boy, he sure does have a couple!).[/size]


[size=14]Here lies a beauty of Deadly Premonition: regardless of its loony antics and demented nature, it's natural.
It may look oh-so-wacky on the outside, but dig deeper and you could find a story about lost souls seeking for a way out of their torturous daily lives. Or a schizophrenically bizzare tale of friendship and retribution. It's not because the game is ingenious in its storytelling techniques or innovative message (*spoilers* it isn't). No. Deadly Premonition is natural, because it appreciates its insanity.[/size]

[size=14]You may judge its clunky controls, as you ride to the other end of town listening to the sweet, ear-bursting sounds of your car's never-shuttin-up engine. You may drop a huge criticizing bomb on its shooting mechanics and bland level designs. But it can't be different, it can't be easier or “more comfortable”. Your usual blockbusters may treat you like a favourite customer, but not Deadly Premonition.[/size]

[size=14]Deadly Premonition
respects you not only as a player, but as a person. It doesn't run itself into an infinite mystery-solving circle to the point when you're forced to believe that Scooby-Doo did it; it's not going to fool you like Heavy Rain did. In fact, you would be pleasantly surprised, when you'll watch its "whodunit" carefully unfolding. It's unpredictable, yet totally sane in its twisted logic. And surprisingly confident at that. Like an old clown, whom nobody takes seriously, may astonish you with all the knowledge he collected for years of getting his face hit with a cake.[/size]

[size=14]That said, I can't recommend it to you. Neither can I advise you to totally dismiss it. In the end, it all comes to an old, worn-out question, “Why do we play videogames?

For addictive gameplay? Story? Unique worlds created by somebody's wild imagination? Or for making us appreciate every
single moment of our lives spent with people close to our hearts?

There's no right answer. The same goes for Deadly Premonition.

Hate it.

Love it.

dazed. Be confused.

Isn't it the joy of life?[/size]


3:10 PM on 09.11.2014

It's Commercial Brake, Playa!

Commercials. We hate them. And yet we love them.


Well, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation...

[size=14]But seriously, there's no much mystery to that. We love commercials because sometimes they're honestly trying to sell us ordinary products by using extraordinary means. And when they also attempt to be creative while doing it, you can't help but feel sympathetic.

"Then what is the purpose of the topic?", one could ask. Stop asking for purpose everywhere, you existential creep! Enjoy the ride with good-ol' fashioned fun! Just imagine like you're watching TV, and then bam!

Here goes this thing! [/size]


[size=14]Or that other... stuff![/size]

[size=14]Here's your personal Dr. Pepper for appropriate scenery![/size]

[size=14]We'll begin our wonderful voyage into the depths of this mad, mad, mad, mad (and totally bonkers!) world of commercial tomfoolery by counting down "Top 10 (and beyond!) of the most wacky and affecting TV videogame ads to ever hit the small screen!"[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 10. SEGA Being Jerks. [/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]What's more healthy way to win the competition than sleazy crushing your opponent right there, on TV? By doing it in style, of course. Clockwork Orange style! [/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 9. That Moment COD Was Being Suddenly Cool.[/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]Bombastic commercial done right. The weird part: it has elegantly captured the sheer joy of playing games for fun; just fooling around and blowing stuff up, you know. Plus, there's Jonah Hill and AC/DC. What's not to like?[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 8. It's a Sony.[/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]It's only does everything. Especially, scaring you shitless. On a serious note, you could find something mysteriously captivating in this PS2 commercial created by Bjork's collaborator, Chris Cunningham. Just don't look her in the eyes. Seriously, I warned you.[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 7. Nintendo Being Nintendo.[/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]You probably have already seen these ones, as they're widely popular. So here's a quick rundown. There are sights of Mario beating the living crap outta Yoshi; Link dancing to the sounds of funky 90's j-pop; and Kirby being fingered around. You know, the usual.[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 6. Sweet, sweet memories.[/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]Nintendo loves going nuts now and then. But sometimes, they show their soft side. And it's as soft as Robin Williams' bushy beard. His magical personality and his daughter's irresistable cuteness both works wonderfully in this ad. May his soul rest in peace for all those enchanting moments he endowed us with his presence. [/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 5. The Hero We Deserve.[/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]Have you ever wondered how Sony came up with an idea for Kevin Butler, a man of infinite confidence (you can't deny his badassery). Then send your regards to the Main Man - Segata Sanshiro! Being Sega Saturn's mascot, he not only had enough charisma to handle the ad campaign, but also managed to become the legend in the meantime.[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 4. Island of Broken Dreams.[/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]Yep. As a huge fan of LOST, I had improbable hopes for Dead Island after I've seen this trailer. It was emotional. It was masterfully crafted. With music as the definite highlight, it had me anticipating this game so blindly, I didn't even noticed how hard it punched me in the guts after it came out. It still hurts (thank God they went with more believable tone in another great trailer, though).[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 3. Nintendo vs. Sega. Round Two! [/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]Personally, I am torn amidst these two. It's like choosing between unapologetically loony and equally delicious perverted cakes. Shame Sega hid their marketing division deep down their arse after Dreamcast's failure.[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 2. An Angel with Gun in Her Hand.[/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]Perfect synthesis of form and sound. Twisted black humor. Lovely (and somewhat melodramatic) song. It's an original way to sell any game, right? And, of course, it didn't help to increase the sales. But as I look at that guy's delighted grin, I understand one important thing - a true love can blew anyone away. [/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Number 1. I have lived... [/size][/color][/b]

[size=14]Just watch it. Then you'll see I had absolutely fair reasons to put it way up here. It's gracefully balancing the line between being too ambitious for its own good and just plain flatulent. And it feels natural. A sincere "Ode to Joy" for gamers. For any person, for that matter, as it helps us to identify ourselves and understand that "no matter who we are, we are closer to each other than you could possibly think". The true joy of gaming.[/size]

[size=18][color=red][b] Thank you all for reading thus far. Be well and love games.[/size][/color][/b]


10:44 AM on 09.06.2014

My True Love, or "A Story of One's Obsession"

   [size=14]“Because that's how I like it!”
–  my friend exclaimed once, when I was acting suspiciously curious about why he spends an enormous amount of time in Dota 2.[/size]
   [size=14]Why did I even ask him that? I knew the guy. We grew up together. I always was aware he had a thing for multiplayer, tactics and, apparently, role-playing experiences. A simple math kinda explains why he loved the darn thing, doesn't it? So, why on Earth did I come up with this question? To tease? Nah, it would be a cruel thing for me to do, knowing how much it's close to his heart. However, I couldn't find a perfectly reasonable explanation at that moment. Though, I knew I would. Eventually, I would...[/size]

[size=16][i]For my friend, this wonderful view was (and always will be) an orgasmic eye candy.[/size][/i]

   [size=14][Three months later] I finally sat up to experience a game I was longing to play for a long time, Deadly Premonition. I was looking out for it ever since it was called Rainy Woods. Maybe because I adore Naomi Watts, I dunno. Jim Sterling's complimentary review only warmed my anticipation. And I knew I loved it from the first moments I've spent in. Somehow, I fancied everything about this irresistible beast: its clunkiness, surprisingly weird nature, annoying but utterly entrancing music. But that's also when I started questioning my love, “Why have I been enjoying it so much?” I knew that was a bad sign.[/size]

[size=16][i]Me too, mate. Me too...[/size][/i]

   [size=14]My journey to understand Deadly Premonition's charm ended nowhere. I loved the game for what it was. That's it. End of story. But I wasn't satisfied. The answer was found too easy, it certainly wasn't the one I expected. In the meantime, I experienced some frustration with my brother. He kept playing Guild Wars 2 all day long for a whole month straight. Guild Wars 2. I had nothing against the particular game. I heard it was great MMO, and my brother always adored RPGs. However, as he kept spending more and more time on the game alone, it was extremely hard to go through without any answers.

   “Why do you spend so much time on this stuff?”, I asked him, craving for a reasonable explanation.
   “Because that's how I like it,” I heard in response.

   This sentence stuck with me like a sense of dampness on a rainy day. And then, the lightning stroke; I knew I heard it somewhere before! And I knew where. For a weird reason, I remembered DP (not that one). You know that messed-up type of thinking, when you hear “Sirat” and start imagining how great it would be to live in a world full of cybernetic, sociopathic, saber-wielding rats? (seriously, though, I had a dream about it once)[/size]

[size=16][i]But seriously... You don't wanna know how this ended up here.[/i][/size]

   [size=14]So, I started backtracking which games I genuinely adored before.
2012. Lollipop Chainsaw. 2011. Shadows of the Damned. 2010. Undead Nightmare. 2009. House of the Dead: Overkill. I went deeper. 2005. Resident Evil 4. Destroy All Humans! Stubbs the Zombie. 2004. Wait. Does it really matter? I know where this is going. I know I love games with b-movie feel to them. But when did it begin? There is always a beginning, isn't it? So, it does matter, after all...

   Back to 2004. My brother is buying our second console, Playstation 2. The game that's coming with it, our first PS2 game, is Monster Attack. I played it. I adored it. I loved it.[/size]

[size=16][i]I guess, I have no need to explain why it was so freaking awesome.[/size][/i]

   [size=14]2000. I'm just a little kid, sneaking early morning to sweep the dust off my dear-old Mega Drive and have a good time. Ecco the Dolphin. General Chaos. Beyond Oasis. But there was one game I never touched that morning. The one game I was always putting deep inside my heart, but far, far away on the shelf. Zombies Ate My Neighbors. I played it with my brother through 30 levels or so. We both loved it, we both played the hell outta of it, we both never finished it.[/size]

[size=16][i]Well, this one kinda speaks for itself, too. Right?[/size][/i]

   [size=14]Nah, I wasn't afraid of the game. It sure was creepy, but campy at the same time. No, I was afraid to finally complete it. They say, love can be a blessing, as well as a curse. In my case, it was a bit of both. I finally found a source of my love. I got tired. I needed to distract myself, so I started developing thought I came up with earlier. What b-movie games could I have possibly missed? There sure were some. I started digging. Google. Wikipedia. Related links. It became my obsession.

   Obsession... What an interesting word. We love to use it, when we couldn't find an explanation for our actions. So, I started my research. I searched for hours, days, weeks maybe. I squeezed every little bit of information I could find from different websites. I slept 4 hours a day. I rarely went to hang out with friends. I didn't need to sleep. I didn't need no strolls. I didn't need friends.
   I wasn't even playing games at that time. It wasn't necessary. As time was flowing by, went a month since I began. I felt weaker, exhausted even. Soon enough, I reached a point of no return. I searched through everything twice at least, I saw the same games on the same lists, gathered information I didn't even need to know. Shadow Warrior was coming out soon. I knew I wanted to play it. I needed to play it. But I could't. It wasn't about games anymore. My obsession absorbed me.[/size]

[size=16][i]That was me, basically. Miserably going through.[/size][/i]

   [size=14]I finally forced myself to turn off the laptop. My eyes froze on Deadly Premonition's cover laying near. Suddenly, irresistible desire to play it came over me. I loaded the last save and spent some time just fooling around town. At some point, main hero said, “We are going to leave, but you're welcome to stay, if you need anything.” He didn't really try to pace me. But he did acknowledged that everything ends at some point. Somehow, this thought comforted me.
   I embraced the fact that I didn't finish Zombies. I downloaded an emulator, then the game. It wasn't a tough find, after all. My brother saw me playing and joyfully jumped in. It was a delight to play. Like we are those same little fellas again. That bittersweet moment of reflection.[/size]

   [size=14]We never finished it, of course. But that didn't matter to me anymore. I had fun. Fun distracted me from my obsession. It made me realise how I turned my hobby into a crucial procedure. Fun cured me. I still like searching for “grindhouse games” sometimes. Though, not as compulsive as before. As I stay late at night, sometimes I keep recalling “b-movie games” I liked and imagining those I might have missed. All that, until I become tired and lose myself in a sweet feverish dream.[/size]

   [size=14]Because that's how I like it.[/size]


8:07 AM on 08.27.2014

My Introduction, or "Top 10 Fetishes is a Best Way to Start"

Good day, Destructoid! (although, it certainly is night in my parts) It may look mysterious or just plain stupid to you (depends on perspective), but that's right – it's my introduction after popping out a blog before. “Well, that's no crime”, you say. Hotdamn, it is! I spent almost two weeks without even introducing myself to this marvelous community full of twisted perverts and dickjokers (there is a word, I guess).

So, I figured; there's no better way to start than listing my Top 10 Fetishes, while blurting out a thing or two about yours truly. Thanks Gajknight for launching and Dreamweaver for oiling this demented machine of distorted fantasies.

Well, three mississippi we go!

     10. Armor bras
     Armor bra is our ancient future. It may seem cold at first, but don't let it fool you, as it's hotter than John Malkovich caressing his own bossoms. It's comfortable. It's sexy. It's presumably warm and fuzzy. Most importantly, it's safe, right?

     9. Mullatos
     I am a sucker for mullatos. Nothing turns me on better than a dark-skinned hot-blooded independent individual. I guarded my Yuko and Fressia like one soft-hearted pimp. And Dudley, for that matter. Seriously, though, look at this fancy butt!

     8. Rear penetration
     I love getting my ass impaled from behind. In these precious moments, life literally flashes before my eyes. The best part is how unrelentlessly hard and unforgiving it feels every time, even when you saw it coming.

     7. SS

    Sinner's Sandwich is my passion. It may be a “self-inflicted punishment to atone for past sins”. But I like sins. And I am always up for some punishment.

     Either way,
     You should try this wonderful lunch.
     It’s more than a delicious, tasty crunch.

     So says Mr. Stewart.

     6. Sidekicks destined to die
     I'm wise-cracking short Russian guy. At first, that may sound like some cute sidekick for both Yoshi and Zangief. However, in reality it's more of a combination of Miles Tails and Arse. That said, I obviously have a soft spot for sidekicks. And I hope that sometime they'll all get an opportunity to shove pineapples up theirs so-called friends' butts. Yep, just like that.

  5. Prinnies
     These doods! Sure, they are whimsical wimps, but they can get in (and out) of anything. And they're always down to party.

     4. Four hands are good, but one machine gun prosthesis is better

     “Would you stop crying over fucking spilt milk?”
    - “I have NO LEG!”
    But seriously, Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror was an epitome of grindhouse fans' wet dream. You may yell all you want about how sexy Sheeva/Goro is (there's no accounting for fetishes), but smoky smell of recently fired hot-tempered carbine leg is my kind of perfume.

     3. Merchant, just Merchant
     There's something undeniably voluptuous in the way he calls me “stranger” every time we meet. He may behave like it's a senseless business deal; he needs my guns, I'm here to stack 'em. But you can't fool me, no, sir! There's a tension between us you can't deny. There's a reason he keeps following me. One day, I'll melt this stone-cold heart of his. Until then, I'll let him get my stuff at a “high price”.

     2. Demon-possessed girlfriends

     So horny. Cause they are possessed... and stuff.

     1. Final Countdown

    This song is a pure celebration of epicness and should be playing at every moment of your life. You know why? Because... It's the Final Countdown! dadadumdum dadadumdumdumdumdumdum


     By the way, if you noticed any presumably gay jokes, you clearly misinterepreted what I wrote. And if you did, please, keep it to yourself. No need bothering a fella. Because where I came from – you shoot first, clean mess later; and even though I'm an enduring fella, there is certainly an amount of what I can swallow.


7:06 AM on 08.20.2014

Grindhouse 'n' Games, or "In Search of Fun Through Blood, Tits and Cheese"

     We could bite each other's butts off while arguing if «Games are Art and Last of Us/ Journey/    _ _ _ _ _ _ (insert game you like here) is their Messiah». However, in the wake of latter global whorification of gaming industry, resulted in swarms of generic shooters (c'mon, don't be shy, Quantum Theory), milking of once promising franchises (poor, poor Kevin Spacey) and other nasty things worth forgetting, why don't we focus on that little something we call FUN?

     Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. Fun. How many times would I repeat 'fun'? Here. Fun. But seriously, fun is one distinctive beast. It could crawl inside anything in various forms, like some games are fun because they're so good, others are "so bad that they're good", and, of course, there are pearls "so good at trying to be bad, at the same time being so good that you lose yourself in existential onanism for the rest of you life". However, I am in no position to tell you what's good and what's not. Everyone should decide it for themselves. As well as I am not trying to uncover mystery of "hate out of ten" or "what's happening inside that head inside that mouth inside that head".

     Instead, let's take a look at “fun factor”. As a matter of fact, I am quite acquainted with such breed of video games where fun and self-awareness alone can make it a helluva satisfying experience, as well as enthusiastically bury game alive sixty feet under. Let's call 'em "grindhouse games".


[It's History Time, folks! It's kinda important. Although, you could be a smarty-pants and skip it.]

     Originally, grindhouse was a name for movie theaters that mainly showed exploitation films. Lately, Rodriguez/Tarantino double-billed movie of the same name attracted a new wave of attention to the subject. Not so long after, many video game developers decided to join this twisted carnaval of perversion, bad taste, sex and gore. That's where House of the Dead: Overkill, Shadows of the Damned, Deadly Premonition and many others came in. Though, it would be wrong to think that there wasn't anything else like this before. No, B-movie blood stimulatively pulsates in video games since early 90's. There were inspired gems (like Day of the Tentacle), classic attractions (Blood, Shadow Warrior) and adorable cult crapfests (Phantasmagoria, Harvester) alike. Over the years b-movies' charm, irresistable stupidity and sincere honesty have found themselves in many projects, big and small (see Resident Evil, Wolfenstein, Destroy All Humans! and Suda51's joints). Even now (with recent Outlast, Shadow Warrior remake and upcoming Evil Within), they are still spreading and having a pretty good time overall. So let's wish them luck in their terrifying journey of getting into teenagers' minds, hearts and other legal places.

[History Lesson is over! You endured it, boys and girls! Drinks on me!]


     After dealing with a bunch of introductory malarkey, we finally made it to the meat of the story. So, what makes good grindhouse game? Where lies that golden line between having genuine fun and acting plain stupid? In my humble opinion, there are six main ingredients, each one bringing something exceptional to serve up the experience. Let's discuss them individually.

     Or soul. Or personality – whichever you prefer to call it, is a crucial element. Given its b-movie ethnics, games of this type are usually quite light on plot. In order to make them memorable, developers got to add that special something that keeps you immersed. Something that have natural sense of fun about it. York's in-car conversations in Deadly Premonition is one such thing. The moments like when he tells you his opinion on first two Superman movies (*spoilers* he does think they're better than first two Star Wars) and how he likes to hum Superman theme but it constantly transforms into Star Wars theme somewhere along the way, in these exact moments you forget that he is a game character. He becomes your friend. Deadly Premonition's plot in a nutshell is a schizophrenically bizzare story of friendship and retribution. And yet it doesn't look like a bloated mess, because it really doesn't try too hard to be in-your-face unique. It's natural.

     Humor is a subjective thing, we all know that. However, "grindhouse games" as exercises in bad taste need to understand exactly how to handle their humor. It may be offensive, dumb and exhausting but never bland. No matter how utterly interesting characters look and/or sound, they would present quite depressive picture, if dialogues aren't charming enough. Just look at how joyfully dick jokes transcend into pure poetry in Shadow Warrior (and its remake's review for that matter) and how pathetic they look like in recent Yaiba. Why so? The main difference lies in how creators approach their subjects. If they try to calculate humor by throwing offensiveness in the air, it doesn't work. But if they are clearly having fun with it, you feel that, too. That's where your stupid, yet satysfyingly gleeful grin shows up.

        Appreciation of Unexpected
     In Lamberto Bava's cult horror flick “Demons” there is a scene, in which main heroes find out that they're trapped inside cinema's grand hall while fighting hordes of bloodthirsty, well, demons. Suddenly, ceiling is starting to crack and an empty helicopter tumbles right under our heroes' noses. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but their faces are kinda unimpressed with what they witnessed a mere moments ago (Helicopter? I hardly knew her!). Can't say the same about us.
     Videogames captures that so-called “wtf-factor” in its glorious entirety pretty good. From demon-crow boss screaming “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck Youuuuu!” of Shadows of the Damned to Deadly Premonition's ingenious coffee fortune-telling it all makes us wonder what crazy twisted perversions game developers' minds will come up with next. And I don't know about you, but that's fine in my book.
     Oh, and did I mention how those poor fellas managed to defend themselves while waiting for that utterly convenient rescue? No? Why, by slicing through every damn thing using display motorcycle and sword props, of course. Duh!

     In gameplay, that is. You think I may sound crazy for a moment here, but I DO like all those minigames and sudden gameplay changes this type of games has to offer. Yes, at some point they're frustrating (like Lollipop Chainsaw's zombetball) and you may wonder why developers decided to include them in the first place. Of course, they could be better. Of course, they are mostly out of place. But they also add that sheer sense of individuality and uniqueness most games try to achieve but without doing enormously ambitious stuff. Seriously, what possibly could match the joy of beating police captain in the totally bonkers dance-off to the funky covers of “Mr. Sandman” and other 50's hits while playing as a brain-eating travelling salesman?

     Last years undoubtedly reassured people that graphics aren't everything. Success of indie darlings like Hotline Miami and The Binding of Isaac, as well as studio projects like Telltale's Walking Dead showed that people could enjoy good games without the pretty 10k picture and seven simultaneous Oculuses. As for "grindhouse games", they always carved their own way into our hearts. Most of them are projects of passion that pay homages to things most precious to their creators. That's why they have this strange, but somewhat familiar and lovingly crafted style. It's not just some artsy-fartsy stuff. It's people's beloved treasures projected onto the other stuff they love the most – videogames.

     As it's closely connected to the aforementioned homages, music in such games is often underrated. Most gamers think of it as an “assault on all senses” or “that cool guitar riff in the background”, as in reality, music adds quite a lot of depth to the overall experience. At important moments, it may be tender, mysterious, horrifying or just plain disgusting. It helps game underline the expressions it honestly wants to evoke in us, without screaming out loud. Just look at Shadow Warrior's finale. Game itself may look like an untamed beast hungry for bloody massacre as you slice through hundreds of enemies, but inside you may found sensitive puppy that only afraid of one thing – loneliness.
     Whew! It sure was quite a ride, ain't it? As you can tell, I am a sucker for such games. Yes, I love them. Love them for their whimsical nature, simple, yet affectionately honest stories, their passionate tomfoolery and unadulterated sense of fun. Love them for staying true to their individuality and being broken and perfect at the same time. You may not feel about them the way I feel, but please, be thankful to them. For they deserve it.

     Thank you for reading thus far. Be well and love games.

     Also, fun. Or cocks. Or whatever.   read

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -