I just watched The Fifth Element for the first time since I forgot that it existed, and now that I am experienced enough to comprehend its profound artistic achievements, I aim to bring you the long awaited and totally necessary comparison with a game I like that conclusively proves this one thing is exactly like the other, except in the ways in which it is not.

In a lot of ways, the artistic and authorial direction in both T5thE and BG&E induce identical feelings of awe, immersion and character empathy, but who gives a bitch about all that. You’re here for the same reason I am; because it’s Thursday afternoon and you’re bored and you want something that sounds like something Jim Sterling would have written before he became an intellectual pussy.


They both use famous philosophical quotes


Anyone with an English college degree can recognise witty historical references in their pop culture. I don’t have one of those, but it doesn’t take a genius to recognise the great teachings of Sun Tzu in “Git out of there. I don’t want a incident.” Or the common political philosophy by Thomas Jefferson “JAMBOLIAAAAHH!” It is in this quality that they stand apart from their respective mediums, for only a fool would miss such wistful shit as “Yeah SHE KNOWS it’s a Multipass.”


Both have Jamaican mechanics


Jamaicans are not known for their mechanical abilities, or anything at all for that matter apart from choosing unconventional haircuts to offend old people with. Our two resident artistic opuses - or opera - are set to fix that; by painting them as the kind of slur-speaking, fume-huffing, lazy illiterate weirdoes that all mechanics are famously known as being. In a time where political correctness is so valuable, it’s nice to see these progressive paragons doing their bit to make all races feel inferior and worthless.


Healthcare


This point is to prove that I have a grasp on current events. I have a grasp on current events.


Luc Besson stole the premise from BG&E anyway


A rational man would say that stereotypes are unanimously always correct. The known stereotype of France is that they ride around with onions and blue striped tops, but that doesn’t support my hyperbolic, attention-grabbing title. To combat this, I’ve decided that all French steal things; a fact that makes perfect sense if you use Logic, an arcane divination that I just found on Wikipedia. Michel Ancel is also French, which makes it double-fact.


They both have flying taxis


LOOK AT THE FLYING TAXIS OH GOD IT’S ALL THE DISSAPOINTMENT OF TODAY WITH THE TECHNOLOGY OF TOMORROW