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UglyDuck avatar 6:19 PM on 11.26.2008  (server time)
Use Your Pain Pills

If Left 4 Dead had a soundtrack, that would be the title of the album. I will now provide an argument as to why you should put down your med kit and pop some pills instead.

1. 80% of pills go to waste
Just think of those poor pills. They had hopes, dreams, aspirations of helping their dedicated survivors in overcoming the fear and pain of the zombie apocalypse. The Director spawned them, full of glee and anticipation, wandering what their big moment would be like. And you fuckers walked right past them. Worse still, some of you decided to pick them up, only to let them careen through the game with never a glimpse of aid or contribution.

But oh no, that is glorious, that would be an orgasm compared to the neglected pills who are used, only to be negated seconds later as one of you cocks whips out the heroic First Aid kit to claim the day for itself. It’s also tactically silly to waste resources in a survival game, but who gives a shit about that when you can donate money to the newly founded Society for the Forced Consumption of Pills.

2. First Aid kits keep people waiting
Pills on the other hand, are very pace-friendly, allowing you to keep the flow of genocide without having to stop for tea and light recreation every time you want to heal. Sure, that’s fine if the scenario is significant, but most of the time, it is an unnecessary burden on the team. You can even use them during a horde rush; just try doing that with that great messiah of delicious hunter bait, that Med kit.

And they still continue to inexplicably bandage those same two areas over and over again.

3. First Aid kits are more significant items
It has to be said that, despite my previous justifications, Medical kits are better. They can heal more health; they can bring people back from the brink of their “three strikes” incapacitation death, they are rarer and they give you permanent health, as opposed to temporary. But you know this, so why do you use them so quickly?

Smokers and hunters are there to tear away large chunks of your health at opportune moments, and if you get downed by a witch or a tank, it is a given that you will need a medical kit to hand. That is their best use; for emergencies. Don’t use them when you’ve got 47 health, you jittery twits. But really, I wouldn’t be telling you all this for your gain. After all...

4. I have dibs on Pills

And I want to rub it right in.

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