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Playing with people can prove very challenging at times. Hopefully the instructions found within this manual will help you get the most out of your game playing experience. Inside we'll cover everything from basic rules of gameplay, to which Cloud "I'm sad" Strife gets to use the third party controller. We're not adverse to giving you a few helpful tips along the way either.
Also, we are aware that nobody actually reads these things. Unless you've left a string of successful relationships in your wake, it's likely you've already picked up a pad up and learnt how to hate the ones you love.
This game supports: - Up to how ever many people you can fit in one room locally. - I don't care where I place, as long as it's at least one place above your efforts, leaderboards. - HD visuals from 720p to, I saw that s**t you just pulled.
- A visit to the restroom before playing is mandatory.
- Ensure all windows are shut in the immediate area. This should keep any concerned third parties to a minimum, and prevent you from ever having to explain to a uniformed officer, just how far "up the backside" your friend really should "stick [his] effing controller".
- Mute your f**king headset when eating. You could be doing a great disservice to those Jaffa Cakes you're consuming. They sure might taste delicious, but they certainly don't sound it.
- When replacing any unwanted disc with another title, do make an effort to leave it within it's correctly labeled case. Should its plastic prison not make itself known, be sure to sit the disc face down, in a secure, and easy to find locale. This is particularly crucial when playing an "away" game. You could inadvertently be dooming its owner to an evening spent counting change; change they found down the back of the sofa, looking for the blasted thing.
(1) Match length - Way past your bedtime, and long enough to lead your boss to question your performance at work tomorow.
(2) Rounds won/total kills - Keep a mental tally of these, because come the end of the night, everyone's account will be different, and some will claim they performed better than they rightly have. Losers will side with one another, in spite of what the facts say, just to make you look a clown.
(3) Avatar - Designed to remind you just how much of a jerk your friend is, even if he's not present. A victory against an AI oponnent, is still a victory against a wolf in Steve's clothing.
(4) Vitality gauge/KD ratio - Juxtaposed against one another to determine just how grand your victory was. The bigger the difference, the greater their humiliation.
Online: Here, the aim of the game is to pretend you haven't seen a single game or party invite as they continue to flood your inbox. To be successful in this mode, we recommend you change your status to "busy" or "appear offline" long after it's overdue.
Offlline: When asked if you fancy popping over for a few rounds of "spill your drink on my carpet and apologise profusely until someone else makes the same mistake" with the fellas, you must always decline. The goal here is to consistently give the impression you are busy, despite being quite the opposite.
This mode is a real test of endurance and not one designed with beginners in mind. As you make your way up the ladder, you will face many opponents, and each and every one of them will ask "why aren't you coming?"
Noteworthy bosses to watch out for in this mode include: The guy who'll defiantly boast about something arbitary you're "totally going to miss out on" when defeated; and the ignoramoose unaware you're not going until the last minute. Typically this will be a handicap match, where you'll be forced to explain yourself again to the group as a whole.
Local - Mechanically, this is no different to any modes of online play, but will end with you sleeping on your mates sofa, or them on yours.
Co-op - You must perform better than your friend(s) at any cost. Even if it means the whole team and their overall performance suffer as as a result of your recklessness. Stand on the shoulders of giants and call yourself tall.
Online - When playing this distraction, you should do nothing but bitch about the one guy having trouble with his internet connection. Blame his lag when you're losing, and ignore his cries of protest when it's proving beneficial to everyone but him.
As the Laggernaut, ask everyone to be patient with you, but show little understanding back. Demand your peers allow immediate re-entry after disconnect, and expect prompt replies to any messages sent. Once they've dropped everything and sent you that invitation, make sure to accept it and go afk without comment. This should leave everybody confused and talking to dead air.
While waiting for this absentee to return, do use this opportunity to make awkward small talk with the friends of a friend you're playing with, or if you'd prefer, make your excuses and claim to "go get a drink". Mute your headset and sit there in a now comfortable silence, conveniantly returning from your aside the same time your friend does.
This psycho-manchild still boasts today about that time they beat you six years ago. If defeated, they will take all stats into account, no matter how meaningless. When this happens, an assist will become a nice way of saying "stolen from."
Weak against: They're only as good as their last game.
Special attack: The winner will write history, but the loser can still lie about it tomorow.
The Barry Burton to your Jill Valentine. Redfield's blood or not, he's just happy it's not yours. When it comes to team games, he'll always be your first pick. It would be unfair not to. He did buy the drinks.
Weak against: Innapropriate comments about loved ones, like "Next time I'm round, I'm going to give your lady the eye!" can prove fatal to your relationship.
Special attack: Hurting the ones they love. They're prone to abuze your trust and team kill for laughs.
You've never met him before, but you're sure you hate him. He's typically found in public matches online, or worse, he knows a mate of yours and hangs around like a bad smell. He's over familiar, rude and doesn't like same sex relationships.
Weak against: He claims to know your mother at a rather intimate level, but you'll never call him daddy.
Special attack: The online variant will quit before your win registers, but his local equivalent can't take a hint.
Build bridges and bond over your mutual love of computer games, forgetting they're just there to make up the numbers. Get caught up in the moment and make plans to hang out next weekend, be it at his, or online. Repeatedly fail to do so and complicate your limited friendship further with more false promises, until he eventually learns to resent you.
Weak against: Call screening and "we should do this more often." (See single player) Special attack: A twinge of guilt when you bump into him by chance, and look into those big brown hurt eyes of his.
A woman you have lusted after for quite some time. You think she's pretty, she thinks you're weird.
Weak against: Videogame retailers. When entering these cesspits of sleeze, it's likely every male member of staff will think they're in with a chance. They're not.
Special attack: When this stereotype suggests Ubisoft's "Just Dance" at a house party, you will say yes, and you will pretend to enjoy it, thinking you're in with a chance. You're not.
A master tactician, this hardware update spent their youth watching you play Resident Evil in their pyjamas. You taught them everything they know. They've studied your moves, they've seen you cry, and they know how you take your tea. (Milk, no sugar.)
Weak against: Directly responsible for a number of casulties in your collection, they're suseptible to feelings of guilt.
[Editors note: RIP Uber Mashu's Dreamcast: October 1999 - September 2001. Poisoned unjustly by a spilt bottle of shampoo. Weeks before your death, I wondered what that plastic burning smell was. (I'm leaving this here to see if the perp actually reads this!)]
Special attack: Faster reflexes and "I'm telling mum on you!"
This clever adversary will sit in front of the telly and make themselves comfortable, covering just enough of the screen to hide either an important text box or aiming reticule. This is a game breaking combo they will spam until an effective strategy is devised.
Weak against: A yell of frustration, and a closed bedroom door.
Special attack: The use of claws, which will increase their damage significantly. Luckilly, this is foreshadowed by a loud angry hiss.
- To prevent the stench of heavy sweat from lingering in your living room for days, we recommend you play at a friend's house instead.
- The over use of phrases like "nice game guys" and "I'm so sorry [for kicking your ass]" will comfort nobody but your conscience.
- Group sessions of Guitar Hero and Rock Band must be played PROPALLY. Nobody wants to see you flail around wildly on the floor with your stupid plastic guitar, thank you very much. Rock 'n Roll isn't about fun, it's about score multipliers.
- Bonus points are awarded for affecting friendships not directly involved with the game itself. For example: "You're making too much noise, I worked last night and I'm trying to sleep. Please keep it down."
- Mute everyone in a public lobby. All of them. No exceptions. Those who talk won't matter, and those who don't, know better.
Any of the poor saps in the Destructoid community who mistook this for something worth reading.
Paul, for convincing me to start writing again and because it will embaress him.
The Royal Mail, for taking their sweet time delivering my preordered copy of L.A. Noire. Without them, I wouldn't have found the time to write this at all.
Nicola Roberts, just for being there really. Only ever a quick google search away.
My trusty kettle and it's ability to boil an alarming amount of tea.
...and the lavvy, for allowing me to remove the tea my body rejected.
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