Well with two rather lengthy (lengthy by internet standards apparently) intros I've decided on a slightly "fluff" piece for today's blog. I do have some "stuff" on the burner but I'm not ready yet to post them. I should be able to work on one of them while I'm out of town the rest of today, and off tomorrow.

Today's entry, though, is partly inspired by reaprar and superflossy who proved that sex will always drive traffic. Not that it needed to be proved again, or the past ten thousand times its been said prior. "Everything is about sex," is the first, and prehaps only, lesson I learned from my Writing in the Discipline course, as our wrinkly, old bat of a professor triumphly claimed before handing out the syllabus, as if she'd discovered some sort of hidden truth buried under the crumbling statue of Ozymandias. At least it made for some entertaining essays.

As we all know here at Dtoid, video games and sexy women go together like peas and carrots. At least on the screen and in our dreams. In reality they tend to repel each other in most cases. Though thank God for the girls on here and in my life that do game, because if all I had was the internet to go off of, I'd actually believe there are girls out there with bikinis made out of NES pads and wear a Neo Geo Pocket over their vagina. Got to love the grrrl gamer nerdcore pics. They're good for a quick fap or a quick laugh. Or maybe a longer fap if work has blocked one of your favorite sites and the boss isn't going to be in for a while.

Of course video games have their 'first ladies' in Lara Croft, Samus Aren, the DOA cast, and so forth. Mia Shinranui may have been the source of my first fapping actually. But everyone's already talked about those girls and for good reason. They're at the top for a reason. But there are some girls that just fall through the cracks and I'd like to highlight one of them every now and then. Maybe make it a bi-weekly thing, or what not.

This won't be a tirade on how badly women are protrayed in video games. Other people have done that article and the industry just doesn't get it anyway. Honestly, if the industry wants to be taken seriously and seen as a legit medium, they may want to actually protray women in a real way (though I guess that's really not that much fun and entertainment should always come first.)

I'm trying not to veer off into that tirade even though its bubbling up. But for now, it's just going to be a cutsy look at some pixelated babes I love that I don't hear get talked about much. I'm not saying these characters are deep or memorable -- hell most of them are about as shallow as can be, but it's not like the pickings for deep, original female characters is there in video games. You can count them on one hand -- even if you've been in a freak accident at some old tyme factory. Or some farm equipment. Or you didn't listen to your dad and blew most of your hand off with a firecracker. Or just insert your own gruesome way that fingers can be rend from the body. And please share.

The girl that gets the first honor, just because I'm finally getting around to finishing up the treasures found after the game is Captain Rose from Zach and Wiki: Quest for Barbaros's Treasure for the Nintendo Wii, released by Capcom last year.

Of course it is trendy to love Zach and Wiki but it sits up there as one of the Wii's top five titles. Is that saying much? Probably not but the game is awesome and its one of the few games I've actually been able to play through with my girlfriend in the same living room. There's probably been a lot of 'BUY ZACH AND WIKI OR DIE' on here before I arrived but you that haven't bought the game yet are going to hear it once again. Buy the damn game, new, and enjoy. Let's hope this is the start of the Adventure Game coming back.



WHO IS SHE

Captain Rose starts off as the main rival for Zach and his monkey-bell buddy, Wiki, in the search for the imfamous pirate Barbaros's treasure. She's the leader of the Rock Rose pirates and abuses her adorable little goons at the drop of the hat in an attempt to catch up with the Sea Rabbit Pirates. By the end of the game, she's begrudgingly your biggest fan. (Yes, I know -- spoiler. But if you're not smart enough to figure out who the real villian in the game is, shut up.)

While she does play a huge comic relief role and a mid-game plot device to turn the game in another direction. She also sets the stage for one of the most frustrating levels in the game. I don't know how many times I thought I had that puzzle solved only to realize that I forgot one minor detail that would wind up biting me in the ass on escape. I took three days to solve her stupid level. The last (real) puzzle in the game didn't even take me that long. God, I loved the abuse.

While not to the same degree as the two titular characters, Captain Rose did wind up being an endearing character to me. Her reactions to everything and her interactions with Johnny Style are some of my favorite parts late in the game -- especially when I was about ready to toss my Wii Remote through the wall.

WHY SHE'S NOT TALKED ABOUT

Hate to be the broken record but, because outside of the 35,000 of you that are actually intelligent, no one bought the damn game. Shame on all of you that didn't and I hope you rectify your sins. Of course I'm not implying you're dumb for not buying the game, or that you'll suddenly be Einstein if you do -- but you know it wouldn't hurt you to pick it up.

It also doesn't help her case that the Wii doesn't produce boobs quite the same way the Playstation 3 can with Noriko and Rose definitely wasn't seen smooching, bare ass with any female aliens. Had she done that or been tentacled by the [spoiler]octopus[/octupus] then she'd be up there.

WHY SHE'S HOT

I don't get the whole pirates versus ninja meme but pirates are awesome (sans the fake ones in Depp and Bloom) and what they would be doing playing dodgeball with ninjas doesn't make any sense. Who cares either way?

You don't see too many female pirates (for obvious reasons -- one of Blackbeard's wives he shared with his crew. So even if they didn't score any treasure the guys still got booty) but the ones you do see in history kick ass. Anne Bonney, Mary Reade, Grace O'Malley, Ching Shih, Rachel Wall, Charlotte de Berry.

Plus pirates make me think of wenches and wenches are hot.

There's just something about those pirate boots and a skirt that is just so awesome. And well she can be a selfish bitch at times and that's hot, too. Deep down guys, we all know we want to be used and abused. Women that treat you like shit and walk over you with boots are the bee's knees. The goons aren't doing it for the promise of gold. The goons are doing it for the pure sexual thrill of it. And how I envy those little midgets.



Also her favorite food is whipped cream. Whipped cream isn't really food persee. There's really only one way I can imagine whipped cream being someone's favorite food. Which means Rose is a friggin freak. Further proof is in the fact taht she has green eyes and all girls with green eyes are freaks. Look it up, science proved it.

Sadly we don't quite get the desired upskirt we, or maybe just I, were hoping for when she falls down in the aforementioned puzzle. I won't ruin the details because that ruins half the puzzle. And that would be wrong.

So is everything about sex? It looks like a harmless children's game with complex puzzles that make you want to toss your remote at the screen, but you have a shirtless pirate who shakes a monkey to vanquish his enemies, in order to save the girl. You know if Zach and Rose didn't get it on after the credits, Johnny definitely tapped that ass in his place.

Though we'll just skip over why the goons go stiff when Zach shakes Wiki -- and I'll see you guys tomorrow.