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Tron Knotts avatar 9:15 PM on 07.19.2007  (server time)
What is Video Game (?) Part 3: For Hot Girls

(In our world, most adults view videogames as serving one purpose, a nerd's substitute for a real life. The 40 year old virgin's center piece in his home. The hobby of repressed psychopaths like the Columbine Killers. But if this were true, why would the gaming industry be the largest growing entertainment movement today? That's right kids, video games aren't just for nerds and psychos. They are many things to many people. This series of essays will explore just exactly what that statement means.)

I'm flying blind on this one. The other two parts to this series I sort of thought out first. That in itself was a miracle, because I'm a social worker in a psychiatric hospital by day, and that job totally saps all my creative energy for communication. Trying to explain to mental patients, their families, their psychiatrists, and countless others involved in their treatment what you think is going with them, and to try to do it in a way that they will understand is really, really taxing on the brain. Have you ever rehearsed what you were going to say on a date or to you parents or to your boss, something really important the you felt was life or death? Well, that's what being a mental health social worker is all day, with up to 11 differnent patients and all the people involved with their treatment.

After work, I usually just want to stare into space for three hours and then go to sleep.

I'm not compalining. I'm just explaining.

Moving on.

Right now, my hot fiance is playing her ass off in Dr Mario 64 Japanese import for the GameCube running on the Wii via disk swap. It's 10:23pm my time. I think she started playing at around 6:00pm.

My point? Video Games are now also for totally hot girls, and people need to know this.

Guys, buy a Wii. Buy it. Seriously, even if all you care about is Halo 3 and GTA:IV, buy a Wii right now. Do it. Do it because you deserve to have a hot girl in your life. You are a good person, man. You are seriously a good dude. You don't have to go on like this. You deserve the hottness. But you wont have it as long as you have your 360 hooked up to your tv in your bedroom or basement, and you spend 50% of your waking life in a fake world. You should be spending 50% of your waking life massaging the ass of a hot girl while she is playing playing Dr Mario 64 Japanese import for the GameCube running on the Wii via disk swap.

For real.

Or Animal Crossing. Yeah, that shit is like teh roofies. For cereals people, I aint joking. Before I got engaged, I seduced 3 different hot girls with Animal Crossing. They love the game, and they will love you for introducing them to it. And they'll like an ass massage while they're playing. Hey, who doesn't? It doesn't matter if you aren't "her type". If she is playing Animal Crossing, you are about to massage some serious ass, brother.

I've tried this with games like Halo, Soul Calibur, GTA, Final Fantasy, Resident Evil, even Pikmin. No ass massage. Those are all good games. But I'm just sayin, no ass massage.

To put it in pictures, with the 360 you simulated ass massage.

And I'm not saying that's bad. In fact, it's pretty good.

But with the Wii you see hot girls actually moving around.

Then once they get tired, you pull the old Dr Mario 64 Japanese import for the GameCube running on the Wii via disk swap, and then you know what time it is.

Ass massage time.

But not from this guy.

Unless you wanted him to. This guy seems really into ass massage. If you look up "butt massage" in Google images, there are tons of pics of this guy prepping himself to rub ass. Pretty weird.

OK, I got to go to bed. I'll do better tomorrow.

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