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8:39 PM on 02.28.2011 // TriggerOfHel
How to Make a Pokemon

I am not excited about the new Pokemon games.

I can hear the cries of "Blasphemy" from over the hill, so I'll try and make this as brief as possible to avoid being pitchfork'd to death by the angry mob. Basically, I've been a fan of the franchise from the beginning, and I enjoyed everything through the first two generations (Red/Blue/Yellow and Gold/Silver/Crystal). Some time in 2001, while playing through Gold, I realized that there would have to be another Pokemon game after this, that I would never truly be able to 'catch em' all', and that Nintendo has successfully trolled the masses by perpetually keeping anyone and everyone from doing so. That's when I put the game down.

That's when things started to go downhill anyway, it would seem. I followed the franchise despite my unwillingness to do what it's tag line demanded of it's players, and I saw things. Terrible things:

Generations III and IV (Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald and Diamond/Pearl/Platinum) had brought new Pokemon. Celestial-body-shaped Pokemon. Heart-shaped Pokemon. Balloon-shaped Pokemon. Fruit-shaped Pokemon. Moai-Shaped Pokemon.

Stupid Pokemon.


Left: Max Scoville's Tattoo of a rocket-propelled shark. Right: Sharpedo, a Pokemon from Generation III. Depending on when the tattoo was done, Max Scoville may be the inspiration for a Pokemon, or a Pokemon Enthusiast.

Now, that isn't to say that the newer games had nothing to offer; I just didn't have it in me to keep going after an impossible goal when the Pokemon that were available were simply too uninspired. It was as if the creative team decided that, if they saw something they thought was cool, they should report back immediately so that they could turn it into a new Pokemon. Well, apparently the development team is a fan of Lucky Charms, because I'm pretty sure they've based a Pokemon off every single marshmallows.

Well, low-and-behold, Nintendo now offers the fans yet another installment, and like the kind people they are, they gave us plenty of new and 'creative' Pokemon. To simulate the creative process, I've fabricated this note that I am fairly certain represents the cumulative ability of the design think-tanks that make Pokemon:


"So a moai statue, an ice cream cone, and a candelabra walk into a Pokemon center..."

So if you still play Pokemon, more power to you, but I just can't bring myself to play a game where you essentially fight balloons vs. ice cream cones. That's a fight that no one wins. No one.

(PS: SNORLAX OWNS)
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