I'll keep things short and sweet. If you want a copy of Valkyria Chronicles 2 for the PSP, you have until September ninth, at whenever-the-fuck-I-look o'clock, to post a comment with something that I like. Funny pictures, witty comments pertaining to other Destructoid articles, drink recipes, the guaranteed delivery of Demon's Souls crafting materials around SL100 – The only limits are the inherent Dtoid rules. The poster of the most amusing/delicious/profitable comment gets the game, everyone else can go die in a pit or buy their own copy, whichever works best for them on an individual basis.
After I've chosen, I'll contact the winner for mailing information. I'd throw on the "US residents only" line, but since it's a pretty small package I'll think about shipping to Canada or Mexico, but you better be goddamned brilliant to earn that.
A winner is Occam's
So who won your stupid contest, Trev?
I got a couple PMs about this and with the danger of an irresponsibly short blog, I'm going to just make an update here to congratulate Occam's electric toothbrush for purchasing my copy of Valkyria Chronicles 2 for the low, low price of an amusing picture. A few of the others were damn close, but the sheer absurdity of Occam's's post is what got me. Everyone else, better luck next time.
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GIMME.
VERSACE WATCHES
GUCCI THONGS
RALPH LAUREN SOCKS
FUBU GLASSES
Wait....what? When was the last time anyone saw anything FuBu?
Something tells me this hasn’t improved your mood...
1. Is it wet in here, or is that just me?
Take a long, hot shower either just before or during your shave. (I personally prefer shaving in the shower, as it makes for much less cleanup.) Whichever you choose, the hot water and steam will help open up your pores, and the inevitable layer of ball-sweat will make the shaving process safer for your skin.
2. You’ve gotta log the forest before you mow the lawn.
Carefully (!) trim your pubic region with a pair of quality scissors before you even think about touching that razor. Pubic hairs are thicker and coarser than those on your face, so unless you’re into having your hair tugged/pulled, you’ll want to thin things out a bit first.
3. It’s boner time.
If your balls are anything like mine -- and trust me, they are -- they're as loose and wrinkled as my grandmother’s holocaust ass cheeks. Not exactly the ideal shaving surface, am I right? To combat this, I recommend erecting yourself to at least half-mast before applying razor to skin. You see, when a man gets an erection, his balls pull themselves up against his body -- like a baby koala hugging her mother -- and the once-loose skin becomes taut and smooth, perfect for shaving.
4. Lube up!
Now that you’ve trimmed the trees, watered the lawn and… uh… given yourself a boner (note to self: find another metaphor), it’s time to lather up the area to be shaved. I recommend using whatever your wife/girlfriend uses to shave her legs. I say this because a) it’s probably already in the shower, and b) the smell will make it easier to finish yourself off after you’re done shaving. I mean, who wants the smell of some manly shaving cream in the air while they’re jerking off? Exactly.
5. It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this!
Finally, it’s time to shave! Your choice of razor doesn’t matter nearly as much as the quality (read: durability) of the blade itself. As a general rule, I never shave my balls with anything other than a brand-new blade -- even the smallest nick in the steel can cause unimaginable damage to your weak ball-skin. I personally use the same style of razor for my balls as I do for my face (Gillette Fusion), but I’ve been forced to use a cheap, single-blade razor in a pinch and it worked just as well.
The most important thing to remember here is to take your time and follow the natural curve of your balls. Don’t force the blade in any direction that feels unnatural and you shouldn’t have to worry about cuts, scrapes or gushing blood. When you’re done, rinse off, dab your balls dry with a soft, clean towel and feel good in the knowledge that you’ve succeeded at manscaping where so many others have failed.
Now get out there and impress those ladies/men/12-year-old-boys-that-live-down-the-street!
For more tips on shaving your balls, please visit mrandydixon’s how-to channel on YouTube.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/egotiator/4667231944/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/egotiator/4666630489/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/egotiator/4673061241/
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http://www.flickr.com/photos/egotiator/4666627977/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/egotiator/4667249950/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/egotiator/4666612599/
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Ever play Katamari Damacy and say to yourself, gee I'd love to swig back of few of them princes. No? Well now you will, with the Dashing Prince shot recipe, courtesy of thedrunkenmoogle.com!
The Dashing Prince (Katamari Damacy Shot)
Ingredients:
(recipe makes 6 shots)
1 oz Blue Curacao
1/2 oz Grenadine
2 oz Vodka
2 oz Midori Melon Liqueur
2 oz Pineapple juice
1 oz Fresh lemon juice
6 Maraschino cherries with stems
Directions: Mix the Blue Curacao and grenadine and divide into the bottom of 6 shot glasses. Pour vodka, Midori, pineapple juice, and lemon juice in a shaker and shake to combine. Carefully layer the green on top of the purple, and garnish the edge of each shot glass with a maraschino cherry.
To take the shot remove the cherry from the edge and down it, and then eat the cherry afterwards. The result is a shot that’s sweet, quirky, and even a little fruity that’s best enjoyed with all your friends, just like Katamari Damacy.
Guaranteed not to roll up your insides once ingested!