Picture this. The year is nineteen-ninety-something, and I’m excited for my first online game of Starcraft. My buddy is at the other end of my 56K dialup, ready to show me the ropes. I’ve struggled through the campaigns and have honed my skills for months. The time is now. I pick the class that I’m most comfortable with, the all-around humans, and the game begins. I strategically place my buildings, send out my harvesters, start building my defences and send out my scout. Admiring the aesthetics of my carefully laid out base, I begin constructing my army.

It all happened so fast. My scout suddenly vanishes from the minimap, and the last thing I see before the fog of war covers the land is an army of Zerg heading towards my base. I panic. I don’t know what to do; I’m not ready for engagement yet! They never attack so quickly in the campaign. Before I know what hit me, it was over. The few units I had did little to stop the mighty Zergling army. Exasperated and dumb-founded, I drop the game and call my friend. “What the hell was that?!” I scream. He’s laughing. “That’s a Zerg Rush. Sorry man, but I couldn’t resist.”

And that was my introduction to online RTSes.



Life in PC-RTS land hasn’t changed much since then. PC gamers have an awe-inspiring fluidity when it comes to managing their army that I will never achieve. Like Roman gods, they are aware of what is happening at all times. They watch over and command their minions, nary a hiccup in their master plan. I left that place a long time ago, my head down in shame, never to return.

Console RTSes aren’t much better for me. I bought the Lord of the Rings RTS when it came out on the basis that the controls were intuitive and easy to master. Not true. Maybe for an experience RTS player. Me, I select every unit on screen and march them towards the enemy, hoping the end result is in my favour. Am I constructing more units in the meantime? Do I have any idea what’s happening back at my base? No, I’m watching the battle ensue because it’s pretty and fun. I made it to the fifth or sixth level before calling it a day and returning the game to EB. I never even tried to go online; I didn’t want to risk the humiliation of being bested by a 14-year-old with Tourettes Syndrome.

These days, I’ve accepted my gaming handicap. I live my gaming life in the world of console-friendly games that may or may not involve shooting someone or something in the head. If you’re ever in the need of an overseer to command your army, I’m not your man. However, if you ever need another member for your elite organization to take down some invading horde, gimme a call. I can handle that.