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TitusGroan's blog

Armchair Developer: Super Nintendo RPG
6:20 PM on 12.04.2014
First Impressions: Mario Kart 8 DLC
3:04 PM on 11.13.2014
Without Mii
4:47 PM on 10.22.2014
In defence of Robocop 2
7:46 AM on 10.17.2014
I just don't get the competitive Smash 'thing'...
7:22 AM on 09.23.2014
Paul McCartney is crap. Better pop songs that should have been used in games...
7:36 AM on 09.12.2014

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So, commenting on the Front Page article on Amiibos, I brought up the idea that Nintendo should make a dedicated game as a way to make proper use of their new collectible toys. A lot of other peopel seemed to like this idea, and it's been pickling in my head for a few hours now. What would be the best type of game to go for? What sort of game could have the mass appeal, fun and nostalgia factor to win gamers over.

Obviously, the one thing to avoid would be making a mere Skylanders/Disney Infinity clone. Those games have cornered the market on sandbox-platforming-toy nonsense, and a Me Too attempt would be regarded as derivitive, samey and uninspired. Fortunately, Nintendo have got a lot of talented developers, so a more original addition to the Toy-Game formula should be a piece of piss for them. If I were in charge of EAD, there'd be one clear, overriding angle to shoot for, and it would be a doozy: Take the crossover appeal of Kingdom Hearts/Smash Bros, combine it with the Action-RPG goodness of Super Mario RPG/Paper Mario, and use the collect-em-all nature of Amiibos to introduce a host of character and customisation options for players to get stuck into. Where Smash Bros sticks famous and not-so-famous Nintendo characters in a 2D platforming-fighter hybrid, this new game would be a wide, large scale adventure full of exploration. It would be called Super Nintendo RPG, and would be so good it would make the kids drop Skylanders like it's an Aaron Carter record and come running over in their droves. 

The Pitch

Something is wrong in Johto. Blood Falcon has returned from deepest, darkest space, and has brought with him a coalition of nefarious minds: Wart, Dark Samus and King K Rool. Together, they join forces with Team Rocket in order to travel back in time and prevent Ness from ever defeating Gygas. With Gygas by their side, nothing will be able to stop them from conquering the entire multiverse, and claiming the Seven Stars for their own. The only person who can stop their evil schemes is the young Mike Jones, hero and adventurer extraordinaire. If he can assemble a party of heroes and discover the pieces of the holy Triforce, the forces of evil can be defeated once and for all (At least, until the sequel). 

The Gameplay

Right, this bit's easy. If you want an RPG that can appeal to kids and adults alike, you want it to be streamlined and simple, but to have the potential for depth. With that in mind, just rip off the combat mechanics from Paper Mario like there's no tomorrow. Keep it turn based, but with the potential for action commands and timing requirements that keep players on their toes. Make everything as over-the-top and comedic as possible, but still satisfying to pull off.

As for the customisation options, this is where Amiibos would come in. Make each Amiibo a character that can be unlocked in the game through NFC wireless mumbo-jumbo. If you have a Samus Amiibo, wave her near your Gamepad, and she'll appear as a badass bounty-hunting party member to fight by your character's side. Kep Mike Jones (of StarTropics fame, for those unfamiliar) as the basic player character (as an option for those who don't have any Amiibos to hand), then encourage players to use those little pastic toys as a way to build up their dream party of Nintendo characters. Even more importantly, make each character fully customisable with their own skill trees and abilities, and use the Amiibos as a way to save that custom data. When Samus reaches Level 5, do you want her to learn Ice Beam or Screw Attack? Should Mario invest in damage-boosting Fire Flower attacks, or evasion-friendly Tanooki-Suit abilities? Do you want to equip the Villager with an axe, a shovel or just a fishing rod? Whatever customisation choices you make, Amiibos would allow you to save your character builds, and load them into a friend's game. Because obviously, this being a Nintendo game, local multiplayer would still have to be a thing. 

Once the core combat mechanics are sorted, building the rest of the game around them should be a cinch. Just go for a nice, colourful RPG adventure that uses different Nintendo settings as a way to give the whole adventure a sense of exploration and unpredictability. Your characters could start off exploring the streets and alleys of Mute City, FFVII-Midgar style, before being whisked off to join the conflict in the Lylat System, then exploring areas from Kanto, Hyrule, Dream Land and even Donkey Kong Island. So many RPGS have fallen into the brown-and-grey archetype that Nintendo would have a real opportunity to offer something different, with a bit of vibrancy and brightness to the presentation. Just use the 3D World Engine, focus on good art direction and colour over tech specs, and you'd have something that would look amazing. 

Random Idea Brainstorming

There should be a sidequest where Luigi goes mad with power, believes himself to be a Super Mario Bros villain, and puts up calendars of himself all over town, claiming that the year now belongs to him. The player has to stop him before the townsfolk against him. 

Instead of summoning Eidolons a la Final Fantasy, party characters should be able to summon F-Zero and Mario Kart vehicles to warp in out of nowhere and run over enemies at a thousand miles per hour. The most powerful summon would of course be the Blue Falcon, which would blast enemies with lightning bolts while driving over them. 

Instead of Triple Triad, players can collect and play a Hanafuda minigame, as per Nintendo's origins. However, because Hanafuda is a boring ass game, the Hanafuda presented in game will have exciting battle animations, explosions and gym badges. 

As per nearly every RPG ever, fishing would be a minigame, with the addition that at higher levels you can hook submarines from Steel Diver and trade them in for massive gold. Or nick their missiles and torpedoes to use in battle. Your choice. 

Yoshis would be in the game, and would function in a similar way to Chocobos. Except that while you can ride around on them, they can also attack enemies with their tongues and shit them out as eggs. C'mon, tell me you don't want to see Samus and Link riding around on Yoshis being all bad-ass. 

The final boss would be the combined form of Gygas, Blood Falcon and King K Rool, with giant-pig-form Ganon coming in as a last-minute tag-team option to up their evil quotient. The fight would take place on a crashed Galactic Federation ship that has collided with Skyloft and crashed  into Champion's Road, thereby providing masses of scale, stars and awesomness. 

The music would be composed by Yoko Shimomura, overseen by Koji Kondo, and have banjo parts played by Miyamoto himself. Because apparently, Miyamoto loves himself some banjo. 

Finding and training Pikmin would allow you to grow special fruit that give you special stat boosts while in battle. Yeah, I nicked this one from Legend of Mana, but it's a damn good mechanic, and Pikmin would make it so much better.

Using Wind attacks would require you to blow into the microphone. Because at Nintendo, even pausing the fucking game apparently requires you to blow into the fucking microphone, so may as well do something actually useful with it. 

The Gamepad would be used in a way that is totally revolutionary and redefines how RPGs can be played with a touchscreen. I haven't figured out that exactly that would be yet, but trust me, it would be awesome. Maybe. Or you could play with a Pro controller. 

If the player has Samus in their party, they can then choose any other character to be the father of Samus' baby. Samus will then spend the rest of the game talking about the baby, the baby's name, how apprehensive she is about looking after the baby, how helpless the baby will be, and what gender the baby will be. On the plus side, the father's stats will determine the baby's battle abilities and customisation options. Sort of like breeding Pokemon, but even weirder. 

Completing certain sidequests should unlock classic games from old Nintendo systems for the player to then play. Because let's be fucking honest, Nintendo isn't going to be putting them on the Virtual Console any time soon. 

Anyways, random thoughts for the day. Let me know if there are any awesome ideas you'd love to see in a Nintendo themes Amiibo RPG. 

So, it's finally here. Having pre-ordered the DLC back in September, I've been (chain)chomping at the bit to get to try out the new Mario Kart DLC, and I have to say, it doesn't disappoint. Given how open Nintendo were about what you're getting with each pack, I was never too worried about not getting enough stuff for my money, but racing around the new tracks in all their colourful glory just reinforces what a bargain the DLC is. I haven't had a chance to try out all the new vehicles yet, mainly because I've fallen in love with the B-Dasher, and can't tear myself away from it to try anything else. Before today, I was sticking with the Silver Arrow as my main racing buggy, but the B-Dasher offers the same buttery handling I like with what seems like a major speed boost. 

Also, it looks like a damn sexy portable pimpmobile.

Having only played the DLC for a couple of hours, I'm not in any position to give a conclusive opinion or review on the content, but I think I can certainly give my overall impressions thus far of the tracks and how they feel to play. Spoiler alert: it's all pretty damn good.

The first cup included in the pack is the Egg Cup, and this was the first cup I got tore into upon downloading the DLC. I'll list my thoughts on each track individually:

Yoshi Circuit: If I were to use one word: bendy! I never played a huge amount of Double Dash, so Yoshi Circuit isn't a track I'm particularly familiar with already, but I liked it a whole heap. As a racer who enjoys drifting and turning rather than straight-line racing, I really enjoy just how hard this track pushes you when it comes to corners. Anyone using a racer that's built more for top speeds accumulated over long straights may struggle here, but if you're like me and enjoy building up boost through long power-slide cornering, Yoshi Circuit is both challenging and a real hoot. I suspect that as I get more familiar with the track layout, drifts and turns will start to fall under my fingers' muscle memory, but for the time being it's great to have a twisty, turny track that I haven't already learned by heart. 

Excitebike Arena: A relatively simple oval made clever by its random positioning of ramps, jumps, and what I can only assume are puddles of chocolate shit spurdled out onto the track. In complete contrast with Yoshi Circuit, there are no tricky corners to battle with here, so the challenge is in nailing all the jumps, clever use of items against your opponents, and being able to boost while avoiding the brown poo smeared everywhere. While I haven't had a chance to test this yet, I suspect that the simple oval layout and wide lanes might also *shock horror* make this a decent track for Battle Mode. It's a shame we didn't get any dedicated arenas in the DLC, but if push comes to shove, Excitebike Arena might be the best track to use for a bit of al-fresco balloon popping. 

Dragon Driftway: The second best track in this cup. Like Yoshi Circuit, it's super bendy and full of large curves, but this is the first track in the DLC to make real use of the anti-gravity mechanic, and it does so better than arguably better than any other track in the game thus far. Where the anti-gravity sections in other tracks can often feel understated in their use, with little to differentiate them visually from regular sections, Dragon Driftway uses the mechanic to create a genuine roller-coaster of a course, with each corner seemingly bringing a new change in gravitational positioning. It's a bastard hard circuit, as the track often doesn't leave you a lot of room to maneuver around or past your opponents, but it's also incredibly rewarding to nail its corners while seemingly racing through every spatial position known to man. The anti-gravity mechanic was always a fantastic idea that was perhaps slightly underused in the vanilla game, and Dragon Driftway really shows what can be done with it when EAD go crazy. It also helps that the tracks is visually amazing, full of colour and texture and a wonderful sense of location. Superb stuff.

Mute City: Ever since this track was revealed, there was always the worrying possibility that it could never be quite as good as the army of frothing F-Zero fans would want it to be. Thankfully, Mute City is a belter of a race track, and the best circuit in the Egg Cup. It not only has a fantastic layout that echoes F-Zero's mix of speed and lightning-sharp turns, it also uses F-Zero mechanics to add something different to the core Mario Kart gameplay. Driving over energy strips raises your coin count in much the same way as F-Zero's boost power, thereby increasing your top speed. The track is also generously littered with boost-pads, meaning it's very easy to reach a blistering top speed (at least by MK standards). The music is pure powermetal fanservice, and visually the entire package looks incredible. It genuinely makes me salivate at the thought of an in-house developed F-Zero game from EAD. The one nitpick I would make with this track is that it doesn't make any use of the franchise's tubular track design. Given that Mario Kart now has anti-gravity, I was hoping that the Mute City circuit would make use of the 360-degree designs that F-Zero is known for, where racers speed along walls and ceilings of high speed tunnels. Sadly, however, even though the circuit makes great use of anti-gravity, the track itself remains a flat plane. It doesn't detract at all from the game's enjoyment, but it does feel like a slight missed creative opportunity. Despite that, the track itself is blisteringly paced, visually amazing and the standout highlight of the DLC. 

The second cup is the Hyrule Cup, containing the anticipated Legend of Zelda track. I think it's a slightly lesser collection of tracks than the Egg Cup, but it still has many highlights of its own, as I shall explain.

Wario's Gold Mine: The first time I tried this track, I continually fell off the side. This is a circuit filled with right angles and largely devoid of barriers, so careless boosting is liable to send you flying into the depths of a canyon or mineshaft. Once I tried it a second time with a car more suited to my style, I found it to be a very enjoyable track. The sudden drops provide moments of real accelaration, and the lack of barriers make battles with other racers feel just that little bit more dangerous. Lightweight characters are possibly at a disadvantage here, so if you're not rocking a havy character like Bowser, make sure to give yourself plenty of breathing room. This track seems to be stuffed full of shortcuts that reward braver racers, but as of yet I haven't succesfully made use of all of them. 

Rainbow Road SNES: the third Rainbow Road to be added to the game. I go against many other MK fans in thinking MK8's Rainbow Road to be far-and-away the best iteration, so personally I don't feel the SNES version is particularly notweworthy in comparison, but it's still a fun track. It's entirely flat and devoid of anti-gravity sections, and rewards racers who know how to boost around corners without falling off into space. The Thwomps add a certain level of challenge to certain portions of the track, but otherwise it mainly comes down to how well you can take the corners and keep up with other racers. A lot of fun, but certainly my least favourite of the three RAinbow Roads in this game. 

Ice Ice Outpost: A lot of people seem to think this is the weakest track in the pack, but I disagree. Ice Ice Outpost essentially takes the dual-track segments of circuits like Electrodome and Bowser's Castle, and builds an entire course around the idea. Every time I've played it online, the narrow courses and interweaving layout have resulted in hugely competitive (and often downright brutal) races, as everyone is constantly looking to find the best line to take across the two tracks. Taking one track may lead you round the inside of one corner, but sticking to it may leave you on the outside of another, so it's all about trying to find the best points to jump from one to the other in order to create the fastest route. Speed boosters are also placed at various points on each track, as are interconnected shortcuts, so this is one which really needs careful planning on order to make the most of. There's also not a lot of room to avoid obstacles, so I think this is a track that higher-level players will find more rewarding, as it requires a good mastery of the game's base mechanics and a willingness to utterly dick over other players without mercy. 

Hyrule Circuit: Nintendo was clearly onto something when they decided to stick non-Mario franchises into Mario Kart, as Hyrule Circut is easily the highlight of this cup, just as Mute City is for the Egg Cup. There's a good balance of curves and straights, and the course offers a beautiful depiction of Link's home world. It's also worth noting that this track and this track alone replaces coins with rupees, a nice little touch that really shows how much attention to small details EAD put into this package. Similarly, the Pirahna Plants from other tracks are replaced here with Deku Baba plants that will reach out and bite any racer who gets too near them. The track looks wonderful, offers a nice challenge, and even has a mini-puzzle to solve inside the castle (which I won't spoil here). If I could make one small complaint, it's that after having played Hyrule Warriors and browsed the eShop during its weeks-long Zelda spree, I'm getting just a tad bored with the standard arrangement of the Zelda theme that also plays here. While it's definitely an iconic theme, the Zelda franchise has dozens of beloved tunes, and even a reinterpretation of the main theme a la Wind Waker would have been greatly appreciated over the vanilla Zelda theme that plays over this track. A big-band interpretation of Gerudo Valley maybe? A rocking version of Zelda's Lullaby? Here's to hoping that for Zelda Wii U, Nintendo takes the main theme in a new direction, as I think the standard version has reached peak exposure. 

So a few minor quibbles here and there, but all in all the new circuits represent a fantastic addition to the game, and each one is well worth playing. 

A quick note on the new vehicles: while I haven't yet experiments too much beyond the B-Dasher, I did take the time to race Link on the Master Cycle, complete with Zelda-themed wheel and glider. How much you enjoy it depends, I think, on your general feeling towards bikes in the game. As someone who prefers being able to push or pull my drifts as much or as little as I like, I'm not a fan of how bikes tend to drift sharply inwards on corners, and that is very much on display with the Master Cycle. If you like vehicles that can turn on a dime like the Lightcycles from Tron, I imagine that it'll be a great new addition, but for someone like me who prefers things a little looser, the B-Dasher is a much more welcome (and stylish) addition. 

Also a quick update note: with the addition of the DLC, Nintendo also seem to have rolled out a new patch that rejigs the item balancing a little. The Bullet Bill power up seems to be a little more frequent, and almost unquestionably faster than before. While that may annoy pro-level racers who think it's too much of a crutch, it certainly makes things a little easier for racers who continually find themselves at the back. Similarly, shells seem to be more commonly handed out, and my races online this evening were punctuated much more frequently with the beeping and slamming of red shells into my kart. In fact I had no less than three races where a wayward shell at the finish line sent me from 2nd or 3rd down to 5th or 6th. Obviously this is a double edged sword, as while a higher frequency means shells can be thrown more, you can still hold them behind you to shield yourself from others' attacks, so hopefully this won't affect the balance too much. 

So, all in all, what are my impressions? A thoroughly complete package, and a glowing recommendation for anyone who already has the game. This is the sort of DLC that should be encouraged among developers, and Nintendo have really set the standard when it comes to what can be offered as post-release content for a racing game. I can already tell that a number of these tracks are going to be among my favourites in MK8, and for a game that already had 32 tracks, that's pretty damn impressive. Here in the UK, you can get both DLC packs for £11.99, and considering that you get almost half a game's worth of content that is frankly mind-bogglingly good value. If you have any intention of racing other Wii U owners online, I would thoroughly recommend picking up the DLC and treating yourself to some new tracks, and with the precedent set here, I can't wait for the next pack to roll around. 

4:47 PM on 10.22.2014

Crystal shards!/Real Game No Gimmicks!

Two veteran girls fight round the outside! Round the outside! Round the outside!

Guess who's back! Back again! Wii U's back! Tell a friend!

Guess who's back/Guess who's back/Guess who's back/Guess who's back/Guess who's...


I've created a monster, cause nobody wants to play Brawl no more, they want Melee, it's much quicker

Well if you want Melee, this is what I'll give ya. A little bit like Wii but without the tripper

Some hitstun to kickstart the fun quicker than the lag when I land an attack with Little Mac 

When the motion controls aren't co-operating, when I'm rocking this tourney while over-compensating

So you idiots want to stop debating? Smash is back, better than crack and masturbating

I know you got a job Ms Pachter, but your husbands predictions are down the crapper!

So the FGC won't let me be, or let me be Mii so let me see

They try to stop Metaknight in PvP, but it feels so empty without he

So Down and B, Circle C, fuck that this is Smash, just button mash. And get Reggie, this is about to get heavy. I just settled all our sales woes



Now this looks like a job for me

M-Sakurai, no trolling me

Cause we need a little controversy

Cause it feels so empty without Mii (x2)


A-tisk-a-task it. I'll go tit for tat with anyone who's talking this shit that shit

Dark Pit you can get your arse kicked worse than them little limp Pikmin bastards

And Kirby? You can get stomped by Yoshi. You thirty year old bald pink prick, blow me!

You can't beat me! Without me your game sucks! Face it, noone played Kirby Triple Deluxe!

Now lets a-go! Dev schedule's tighter, but I'll be there with a whole list full of new fighters

Like Duck Hunt! That Xenoblade whinger! The Fire Emblem cunts and even Greninja!

But sometimes it seems today like everybody only want to play Melee

So this must mean that game's ok, but fuck 'em I hate the speedy play

No I'm not the first dev born in Tokyo, I am the worst thing since Sakomoto

To troll Ridley fans so selfishly, and use it to make myself wealthy

Hey! There's a concept that works! Twenty million other party fighters emerge

But no matter how many fish make a splash, it would feel so empty without Smash


So this looks like a job for me

M-Sakurai, no trolling me

Cause we need a little controversy

Smash feels so empty without Miis (x2)


...good lord I need more hobbies...

7:46 AM on 10.17.2014

It's not strictly a 'game' thing, but fuck it. It's got guns, violence, dudes in power armour, and it had several videogame tie-ins on its release. It counts. 

Anyways... certain schools of thought would have you believe that the original Robocop is a high point of social satire in film, and none of the sequels were fit to even oil it's titanium boots. Well, last night I watched the first two films back to back on Netflix, and you know what? While it doesn't quite match the wit or intelligence shown in Paul Verhoeven's original, Robocop 2 is still not only a worthy sequel, but a great piece of sci-fi cinema and a wonderfully dark piece of satire all of its own. It has flaws, and quite major ones at that, but it also has charm and smarts and a wicked sense of humour. 

What makes Robocop 2 such an interesting sequel is just how subversive and meta it is. One of the overarching themes is the idea that Omnicorp are themselves trying to create 'Robocop 2', the next in their line of police-enforcement cyborgs. The fact that the film Robocop 2 is an occasionally jumbled and awkward piece meddled with by executives is somehow reflected in the film, the Robocop 2 OCP project being a bungled awkward mess meddled with by executives. Nowhere is this better shown than the scene where the Robocop 2 prototypes are revealed as part of a company demo, a scene which is possibly the best bit of physical slapstick in the entire franchise:

It's silly and unrealistic, but it's also black humour of the best kind, and Robocop 2 excels at providing comedy that is not only darkly hilarious, but that also fits within the themes of the franchise. The 'Robocop 2 demo' scene works not only because it revolves around cyber-policemen killing themselves, it also reinforced just what kind of character the original is. After watching the new products repeatedly commit suicide, Omnicorp's Doctor Faxx hypothesizes that the only reason Alex Murphy was able to become the original Robocop was because he was utterly driven by loyalty and honour, something that few other policemen can match. Any attempt to merely replicate him will result in dead cyberpolicemen going mad and shooting up more Omnicorp staff. As a throwback to the ED-209 boardroom scene from the original, it works, but it also has its own justification and logic. ED-209 shot up a board member because of a random glitch in its programming. The Robocop 2 prototypes shoot Omnicorp staff because they're literally driven mad by the process of being brought back from the dead and turned into machines. None of them have the same reason for existence as Robocop 1, which solidifies why his character is so unique. 

In fact, if there's another thing that makes Robocop 2 the film so interesting, it's where it decides to go regarding Alex Murphy's character. Some fans of the original disliked the second for what they saw as the 'undoing' of Murphy's humanisation at the end of the first, but I would argue that this is an incomplete reading of both films. At the end of the first film, Murphy has certainly regained some of his humanity, but he is still unable to adequately remember his life before being a machine ("I can feel them... but I can't remember them"), and he is still unable to act against the Directive 4 protocol in his programming. It's only a quick staff firing by the CEO of Omnicorp that allows him to nail the bad guy, not his humanity. And right at the end, when asked his name, Robocop says "Murphy" only for the film to instantly plaster "ROBOCOP" in giant metal letters over the ending credits. It's an instant subversion by Verhoeven, making sure that the image of the character you leave with is the giant metal tin-man, not the honourable cop. Murphy hasn't regained his humanity at the end of Robocop 1, he's simply become less of a machine. And it's that idea what Robocop 2 has endless fun playing around with. 

Partway through the film, Robocop is disassembled bythe villains piece-by-piece, and sent back to Omnicorp for reassembly. As part of Doctor Faxx's plans to replace Robocop 1 with Robocop 2 (can you say 'planned obsolecence'?) a focus group is brought in to rebrand Robocop and make him more approachable to the public, specifically children. One member of the group in particular dislikes the potential message children might get from seeing Robocop use violence as the solution to all problems, and he is reprogrammed to obey hundreds of family friendly directives, instead of the usual four. What makes this genius level satire is that the film is predicting the franchise's own fate: following Robocop 2, subsequent films and television series retooled the character as a child-friendly saturday morning mascot perfect for lunchboxes. The film predicts the ultimate fate of its own character, and shows how utterly useless it is to try and retool Robocop as a kiddy mascot. While his partner Lewis goes round treating violent crimes with the necessary force required, Robocop is reduced to reading citizen's rights to dead crooks and giving children bastardized self-help proverbs. As with the 'Robocop 2' scene, not only does it have something interesting to say about the character, it's also just incredibly funny. Robocop makes for an entertaining comedic straight man, and the sight of him out of his depth in even the most mundane crime scenes results in some genuine laugh-out-loud writing. For fans who are enamoured with the idea of Robocop as a stoic badass, perhaps that's too much to stomach, but as someone who thinks the franchise works best when it's mixing violence with comedy, I genuinely loved what these scenes added to the film.

Following on from the above, the film's treatment of children is perhaps its best satirical element, and where it gets most subversive. The film was actually decried by critics for the manner in which it showed children behaving, but it all fits naturally with the ideas the film is trying to tell us. It's typical for Hollywood films to portray children as 'little darlings' (also known as the 'Spielberg child character' effect), and even to start trying to court children as potential viewers. While the later franchise entries would certainly do so, Robocop 2 makes it quite clear that it doesn't give a shit about kids, and holds them just as accountable for the shitty state of things in-universe as adults. Partway through the film, we're shown an act of robbery in progress. The shop owner is lying on the flor, his head bashed in with a baseball bat. Yet the perpetrators aren't hardened criminals, but a foul-mouthed group of baseball kids, led by their instructor. When Robocop turns up to apprehend them, as soon as they learn he's been de-fanged, they hurl abuse at him before legging it. Another group of kids swear at and insult him, while drawing graffiti on his back. 

Hell, one of the main villains is a kid named Hob, a kid whose voice hasn't even broken, yet who deals out drugs, guns and cusswords like they're poker chips. Hob for me is one of the most interesting characters in the entire franchise. We're quickly led to believe that if he were an adult, this is a character we wouldn't give the slightest fucks for, yet because he's a kid, he naturally has some of our sympathy. And the film brilliantly plays on this. Towards the end of the film, Hob is gunned down by OCP's new cyborg operative, and there's a touching scene which is probably the most grounded dramatic moment in the entire story. If Robocop 1 had the scene where Murphy tries to remember his past life and fails, Robocop 2 has the scene where Hob realises he's going to die, and Robocop consoles him as best as he can. It's wonderfully unsentimental, yet still touchingly done. Hob realises that he's about to die, and looks to Robocop for some sort of support, knowing that he has already died himself. His last words are "That sucks!" and then he's gone, another dead crook in a warehouse of dead crooks. 

Very few films would have the balls to make a drug,dealing, arms-selling villain a kid. Even fewer would then have the balls to kill that villain off with very little in the way of redemption or salvation. Robocop 2 does both those things, and somehow manages to do so without being needlessly tasteless or crass about it. 

Where else does the film succeed? Well, it's still violent and gory as hell. If anything, it may be even more violent and gory than the original. There's a wacky and funny scene where the main villain is getting his brain removed to be stuffed into the latest Omnicorp robot, and we see it being stored in a jar, along with his vertebrae and for-reason-unexplained both eyeballs still attached to their stems, looking dolefully out into the science lab. It makes no sense, and yet in the Robocop universe, it makes perfect sense. Heads get filled with bullets, faces smashed against furniture, chests cut open by leering bad guys. In the UK, Robocop 2 went all the way to an 18 rating, where the original was only a 15. 

On another story note, there's also something wonderfully prescient about the idea of Detroit city declaring bankruptcy, and being bought out by private investors. If that idea seemed crazy in the early 90s, recent events have shown that the idea of an entire city becoming bankrupt is less outlandish than it might seem. If good sci-fi is judged on how well it predicts which direction events will go, Robocop 2 is scary in how it predicted Detroit being forced to its knees by private investors. It's presented as comic book villainy, sure, bur Robocop has always been at its best using larger-than-life archetypes to make social satire, and the Omnicorp storyline in this film does just that.

And if nothing else, the film also has some incredibly well done setpieces. The film really manages to sell the idea of Robocop being this hulking metal giant who never moves above walking pace, yet take down crooks with lethal efficiency. One shoot-out has him pulling off trick-shots like it's a Clint Eastwood western, and he is all the more awesome for it. There's another scene with Cain escaping Robocop in an armored truck, which is full of the sort of practical stuntwork that makes your buttocks clench. The final showdown with Robocain is among the best go-motion puppetry that Phil Tippett ever produced, and if it doesn't quite hold up today, it still holds up better than the scene of ED-209 on the stairs in the original. 

Seriously, look at that thing.

So where is it the film trips up? For me, two areas. Firstly, the soundtrack doesn't hold a candle to the original. Where the first film had strong themes and fanfares that drove home the action, the music in the second film is largely forgettable. Not outright bad, but nowhere near as memorable as a Robocop soundtrack should be. Secondly, the film picks up and then drops a subplot regarding Murphy's family. At the start of the film, we see Murphy outside the house of his old wife. We then learn that this has been a recurring problem, and it's driving Mrs Murphy to some level of despair. There's a touching scene where Omnicorp arrange a meeting between Murphy and his wife, another where he watches her from afar as she gets into a car... and then that's it. She's never heard from again, nor does Murphy ever reference it. If this is a problem for the film, it's only because what little subplot is there is actually pretty dang good, and it deserved to be brought to some kind of resolution. Seeing Murphy tell his wife with a stone face that her husband is dead and he's nothing more than a machine in his image is pretty harrowing stuff, and it's a shame the film never brings any kind of resolution to that arc. Nor does it do much with the character of Lewis, who in this film is reduced to being the second part of the comedy duo between her and Robocop.

But none of those flaws are dealbreakers, and none of them undermine the overall successes that the film brings. It may not be the pitch-perfect masterpiece the original was, but Robocop 2 is still a pitch-black piece of satire. Watch it back to back with the original, and it's clear what a great follow up and companion piece it makes, the two of them acting as a wonderful Opener and Closer on the story of the steel-clad law enforcer. It doesn't make up for what happened to the franchise later, but then it shouldn't have to. Robocop 2 predicted where the franchise would later head, and boldly stuck two titanium middle fingers up to anyone who thought it should be a family friendly affair. It brought it's own sense of black comedy, it's own criticisms of corporate culture, modern society and pop entertainment, and it's own brand of over-the-top violence. If it doesn't quite live up to the original, it still doesn't deserve to be grouped with the rest of the dross that came afterwards. 

A title like that is of course a fighting statement, so I'd best get me some good fighting music going in the background...

It's weird though. I know that Smash has got a big following in the fighting game community (if somewhat fractured), and I understand the appeal of watching a tournament of high level players beat the snot out of each other. When Mega Man showed off his moves at the E3 tourney, I enjoyed as much as anyone the "SUPER FIGHTING ROBOT! FIGHTING TO SAVE THE WORLD!" stuff as much as anyone. I may have even quoted it once or twice in Dtoid comments.

Seriously though, that was awesome...

But what I don't understand is this weird obsession that exists among a certain section of the Smashbase, an obsession with this idea of Smash as an uber-competitive thing with meta-game to rival Street Fighter. It's the same mindset which holds that Melee is some pinnacle in the fighting game genre, and everything since then has been a pile of hot crap. The mindset which places a huge amount of emphasis on metagame exploits and glitches and Devil May Cry 4-tier comboing, and no emphasis at all on just dicking about. The reason I don't understand it, I guess, is because of how I view the Smash series. I've been playing since the N64 days, and I've never ever considered Smash a 'real' fighting game. It has fighting game elements, sure, but that doesn't make it a proper fighting game, in the same way Mario Kart having customisable cars doesn't make it a driving sim. For me, Smash has always been another one of Nintendo's local multiplayer party games. It's something to crack out when you've got some friends over, have a few tins of lager on the go, and want a game that's as rioutously funny as it is fun to play. It's something you play at weekend meet-ups, or birthdays, or house-warmings, or New Years. You load it up, pick a character, then beat the snot out of your mates using hammers, laser guns and Poke balls. 

The first time I played Smash 64, I was still in primary school, and I played it round a friend's house on his N64. He used to trounce me as Mario, until I started learning how to spam Pikachu's Thunderbolt attack, and lob Pokeballs at him any chance I got. Melee, I used to play as Link just because I enjoyed the sword animations, character rankings be damned. Whenever I played a Smash game, it was never about trying to pull off high-level super moves, and more just lobbing anything I could at other players to try and win a round. Magic wand? Super. Laser cannon? Even better. 

The idea of 'competitive' Smash is as strange to me as the idea of competitive Mario Party, or competitive Nintendo Land. I mean, I get the innate appeal of seeing high level players play competitive multiplayer against each other, but where I get lost is this idea that the quality of Smash Bros lives or dies based on how it's recieved by the fighting game community. You wouldn't ask the Gran Turismo/Forza community for their collective opinion on Mario Kart. You wouldn't ask high level FIFA or Tiger Woods PGA players for their collective opinion on Wii Sports. And I don't get why Smash has to have so much of its own identity tied to a genre which it only shares superficial-at-best elements with. 

 I mean, this isn't some mid-series direction change or betrayal or anything. Sakurai has always been adamant that Smash is a party-game franchise, not a competitive high-level fighter. It was one of Nintendo's first forays into making a three-dimensional multiplayer game that four players could load up and goof off in together (alongside Mario 64 and the original Mario Party). And it's a damn good party game, one of the very best in my opinion, but why is it that we can't allow it to be just that? Why do gamers, any time Sakurai makes a tacit nod towards the franchise's party-based roots, scream bloody murder and lament the game isn't more like Melee? 

"Titus, are you talking about tripping?"

Alright, let me just clear this up: while I'm not particularly sad to see tripping go in SSB4, I will defend it as an absolutely hilarious dynamic to the party-based gameplay of the series. Tripping is an absolutely douchey mechanic to include in a game, something made just to wind players up, but it is also funny as hell. Genuinely. If you're playing in a living room with a bunch of other guys and gals, and you see someone talking smack only for their character to then trip and fall flat... it's pure comedy. It's the Smash version of the Blue Shell, a cruel mechanic that exists only to bring low cocky players and allow everyone else to have a laugh at their expense. And in a party game, that's exactly what you want. Yes, when it happens to you, it's a shameful and infuriating experience. But when you see it happen to someone else, you get to laugh at the inherent tragedy of their situation, and drink their salty tears and cried of frustration for your own amusement. Same with the wonderful amount of items and assist trophies you get, gameplay additions that can be the embodiment of 'dick-move' in a game, yet provide  the people playing it with some wonderful entertainment. If it means one player has to sit in a huff for a few moments because the game screwed them over, well, the law of averages means they'll probably be the one laughing next time it strikes. 

I guess this is what lies at the core of why I don't really get the competitive thing. It's like taking something that was designed as a children's playground, then demanding it be an army-tier obstacle course. I get that Melee, as much through chance and exploits as by design, ended up being this wonderful game for people to play at fighting tourneys. But I don't see why that one game has become a cross for the entire franchise to bear. I want Sakurai to keep focusing on making each new Smash game as unique, fun and downright entertaining as possible. I don't give a damn about on-hit-cancelling or wavedashing, and I don't see why these are the things that the series is now judged on. Just because a game or series has the potential to be played to a highly competitive level, that doesn't mean it should be judged only by its competitve level. To me, it just seems to make more sense to let fighting games be fighting games, and party games be party games. Yes, if someone wants to throw a Smash tourney, that can be entertaining to watch, but that shouldn't be the one thing on which the worth of the series is judged. Not when, judging by the insane number of mini-games and diversions added in by Sakurai this time around, his interest and intent still lies in the chaotic, lawless, entertaining gameplay that can be created by a local multiplayer game played by friends with booze and party food to hand. 

Party games thrive on chaos. They are made so much more entertaining when there are elements beyond the players' control, elements which serve to make things more comedic and funny for observers and other players, even if it comes at the momentary expense of a player. Conversely, fighting game fans seem to crave control. They want to be able to extablish mastery over every single part of a game's constituent parts, to have all the components clearly understood and organised by type. The reason, I think, why Smash has the relationship it does with so many fighting game fans is precisely because Sakurai has always designed certain elements to be beyond the players' control, to act as deus ex machini in game mechanic form. They act as the element of unpredictability that is necessary to giving a party game its innate appeal and longevity. They're there to make sure that no matter how good you get, you'll never quite have a guaranteed win against three less experienced players. 

 I mean, look at this...

...If you were sat next to the dude playing as Sonic, and saw him make such a stunning pratfall, you'd be pissing yourself laughing. Maybe he'd be forced to take a shot for the game's blunder. Maybe he'd have to go refill the crisps bowl. Maybe he'd even have to take control of the next booze run. Either way, seeing that sort of cock-up in a local multiplayer environment would be enough to have most people in stitches. Is it wrong if that's all a series was intended for? 

I like Melee well enough, but I don't play Smash for the Street Fighter level meta-game, and nor do most other gamers. As wonderful as it is to be able to play the series at tournaments, I really don't think it's anything that should have any real effect on the direction or gameplay of the series. I want Sakurai to keep taking the franchise in new, interesting and hilarious directions, not trying to iterate or clone a game he already made thirteen years ago.

Because if there's one thing all Smash players can agree on, competitive and casual alike, it's that we need less clones in the world. 

So, have you heard that new song Paul McCartney recorded for Destiny? It's a bit crap. Vacuous lyrics about nothing in particular, dull arrangement, and for some reason every instrument is drenched in enough reverb to make even My Bloody Valentine jealous. Still, at the very least being part of the soundtrack to 2014's Big AAA Gaming Event will give Macca a boost of relevance he's not seen since the early days of Wings, and a shot at actually selling records to young kids again for the first time in forever. It's certainly a  step up from his previous attempt at being on the cultural pulse, flogging a collection of po-faced jingles through Starbucks. 

Pop song tie-ins are a funny phenomenon. A good pop song used well can elevate a scene with its placement. Stuck In The Middle With You. Where Is My Mind. The End. If you're even moderately aware of film, hearing those songs mentioned will likely bring up some iconic cinema moments. Gaming is a little trickier.  Since ascending to the upper echelons of contemporary pop culture, we've seen publishers take a much more conservative stance. Classic pop songs tend to just be used for trailers (see Black Ops' use of Gimme Shelter), and any pop song featured in a game tends to be something contemporary that record companies are looking to promote. When FF XIII was released, for instance, Square decided that the game itself wasn't enough of a punishment for long-time franchise fans, and gave us an equally tedious Leona Lewis tie-in single to promote the game/punish our ears with. Mirror's Edge made heavy use of Still Alive, a pop song by Lisa Miskovsky, whose accompanying video was essentially a demo reel for the game's art and graphics department. EA tends to use its various racing franchises and sports games as an advertising billboard for whatever artists major labels are looking to flog currently, complete with pop up label notes. Every now and then you'll get a game like Spec Ops, which used classic songs by the likes of Jimi Hendrix and Mogwai in-game to help set mood, but those games tend to be fewer and further between. Licensing music can be expensive, and most publishers would rather use licensing as part of some form of promotion or advertising, rather than just for a game's own improvement. 

 It's a shame. Because every now and then, you'll find a game and a song that feel like they just belong perfectly together. Paul McCartney's guff may seem awkwardly shoehorned in over the Destiny credits, but a Daft Punk B-side from the Tron Legacy soundtrack? Or a new Glitch Mob single with spacey synths and punding drums? That could have been awesome. Well, in the name of imagination, here are some other examples of music and game that really should have got married somewhere along the line, and never did.

Bayonetta & David Bowie

Just to be clear, Bayonetta already has a phenomenal soundtrack. Platinum generally don't fuck around when it comes to getting good music to go with their games, whether it be the Nu-Metal guilty pleasure of MGR's soundtrack or the bombastic fanfare of Wonderful 101, and Bayo is no different. But if the game soundtrack was missing one teensy little thing, it was a bit of the Bowie. Think about it: Bayonetta is an extremely self-assured, sexually adventurous, extroverted Umbran Witch who enjoys nothing more than putting on a spectacular show for everyone. David Bowie is an extremely self-assured, sexually adventurous, extroverted musician from Brixton who enjoys nothing more than putting on a spectacular show for everyone. The two were made for each other. And just to seal the deal: Bayonetta prances around the game with the grace and athleticism of a prize dancer. No, seriously. A lot of her moves were actually based on dance moves. And we all know what Bowie thinks of dancing:

Magic Dance is a song about how dancing is quite literally magical. Bayonetta is a magical Witch who dances. The two go together like Red Bull and Jagermeister. Plus, the full song has a bitching guitar solo, and the ever-present associated image of Bowie's Labyrinth-era bulge, a picture that fits right in with Bayonetta's aggressive, in-your-face approach to sexuality. Next time you play Bayo, turn down the volume and stick this song over your speakers. Heck, put on the video in a Yotube tab or something. The combined crotch-in-face imagery of Bowie and Bayonetta will make your eyes water.  Or should that be Bowienetta? 

The Last of Us & REM

The Last Of Us is a dour, serious game about big, meaty themes. It is Scrunched Furrows: The Game. REM were a chirpy band who made upbeat college radio hits with strummy guitar parts and singalong choruses. You might think the two couldn't be more different. But that's the key. Not only does It's The End Of The World cover apocalyptic themes, it does so in a way which would provide TLOU with artistic cred that no-one could deny: dissonance. Think how many famous films have contrasted chirpy or major-key music with scenes of quite horrible violence or sadness: Resevoir Dogs, Wall-E, Dr Strangelove... if you want to be recognised as a Big Artistic Deal, soundtrack dissonance is almost a requirement. TLOU may have won 200 GOTY awards. Think how many it would have won if it had REM playing over the sight of Joel cracking skulls in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. 

All of them. It would have won all the GOTY awards. Including the one Gamespot gave to A Link Between Worlds. Speaking of Zelda...

Skyward Sword & Tom Petty

There's no thematic subtext or anything fancy here. Skyward Sword is a game where you go skydiving in order to find your bird. Free Falling is a song where the main chorus hook is "I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!/FREEE FAAAAALLLIIIIING!" Nintendo wouldn't even need to include the whole song, just that chorus anytime you jumped off Skyloft would have been fine. 

...heck, Link could even pass as an anime fantasy version of a young Tom Petty.

Wolfenstein & Tool

A more obvious reader would perhaps have thought of Rammstein as the go-to music for Wolfenstein's Nazi killing madness. For me, Die Eier Von Satan is a far better match. It's a thumping piece of industrial clatter so full of gristle you could choke a donkey on it. It's fstuffed with ominous German that sounds sinister as hell, complete with crowd chants and rally cheers. It's even got Satan in the title. If early-90s iD was a band rather than a game developer, this is the sort of music they'd be making. 

 And as any Tool fan knows, in a wonderfully meta-twist, Die Eier Von Satan is actually a rather comical song. The German heard in the song is singer Maynard reciting a recipe for cookies from a German cook book. The industrial sounds and rallies chanting are simply put in there to make aural allusions to Nazism that don't exist, and the Satan in the title is just there to make things sound more evil. It's a wonderful example of a band encouraging listeners to hear things in a song that aren't there. In practise, the song is about as pro-Nazi as Eisenhower. Which makes it a perfect fit with Wolfenstein, a game that has had no small amount of controversy regarding violence, but which at the end of the day has said nothing more confrontational than Nazis are evil, dabbling in the occult is dangerous, and robot Hitler should be destroyed. A message I think any right-minded person can get behind.  

Especially this guy...

Super Mario & Queen

...wait, someone already did it? Dash nab it! Ah well, nothing better than confirmation of how well the creative genius of EAD Tokyo and the mercurial sound of Freddie & Co go together. Enjoy!

The Wonderful 101 & The Beatles

Because dramatic irony is a wonderful thing. I Want To Hold Your Hand is a song by the Beatles where Lennon and Macca sing about how much they want to hold your hand. That's pretty much the lyrical entirety of the song, in fact. Whereas The Wonderful 101 is a game which makes clear from the outset that it does not want to hold your hand. At all. Not even a little bit. Not even a pinkie. Tutorials are for the weak, and essential abilities like Dodge should be bought from the shop. If you want hand-holding in your hackey-slash games, go play DmC, or God Of War, or something. Kamiya cares not for your feeble cries for tutorials, the Wonderful 101 is a game for only the hardest of the hardcore! 

Of course, W101 is such an insane game that you could equally choose Happy Mondays to play over it, and it would still be just as fitting. 

                                               "Twenty four hour party people!"

So there you go. A bunch of games with pop songs that would fit like a velvet glove. If that's not enough to cleanse your mind of Paul McCartney's earnest gurning in Destiny... well, I've heard good things about prozac recently. Go try it out. Or just listen to some prime Marty O'Donnell, and just be glad that Mick Jagger never got to foist a comback single into any of the Halo games.