TheToiletDuck 's blog
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31 year old kiwi gamer currently living it up in Scotland as a Malariologist that probably buys more games than he actually plays i.e. an avid consumer. Gen is my SF main. Not sure if that says anything about me? No, probably not.

Dear God, i've wasted my life.

also, video games.

@TheToiletDuck is my twitter, do with it what you will.

Some Destructoid Mosaics i made using avatars and wallpapers. I <3 U Dtoid
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I felt like trying my hand at putting pixel art in some real photos. I'm certainly not the first person to do this, and this is my first attempt so is a little shoddy. I tried to get away from using the standards you always see (Link, Space Invaders) though Mario did sneak in there. I used a combination of Illustrator and Photoshop. Illustrator is some kind of voodoo when resizing pixel art. I GIS'd the originals and got the sprites from Sprite Database

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Feedback is appreciated, especially comments like "eat a dick" and "what the fuck is this shit". This is probably a forum post, but meh what are you going to do.

So, what do ya think?

Dtoid Eu Member (go on, join you lazy bum!)

EDIT: I added the original photo credits
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I think one of the most important things to consider when discussing video games, homosexuality and religion is the matter of choices and the freedom of speech. In other words sometimes video games really...

Oh wait, what i meant to say was...

Not my nephew

My nephew is 12yo, lives in Australia and was given an xbox 360 for Christmas. I gave him a call to wish him merry Xmas and talk about his new present. I learnt a few things about gaming from the perspective of a 12yo boy living in Australia.

12yo boys living in Australia think that guitar hero is where it’s at and rock band is gay (while stipulating this is in no way offensive to his gay uncle… Good boy).

12yo boys living in Australia would have preferred a playstation 3 because it has gran turismo 5 which has the track from top gear on it. It’s meaningless that gran turismo five sucks because the top gear track makes it awesome… End of.

12yo boys living in Australia are the greatest living black ops players and ‘owns guys’

12yo boys living in Australia wonder why people refuse to talk to him on xbox live as he’s just trying to talk smack and say that he’s going to pwn you or you suck and stuff. 12yo boys living in Australia really do think this is completely fine and is just a strategy to put them off. It’s not annoying at all.

12yo boys living in Australia are surprisingly interested in mirrors edge and have been since it came out. Wow.. Good lad.

12yo boys living in Australia think that kinect is really cool and that they wish that black ops had support because that way you can be in the game.

12yo boys living in Australia are still fans of snow boarding games.

12yo boys living in Australia is aware of the new legislation in Australia that means games will be rated R18 and want to convince their uncles to explain that the games are still okay for them or alternatively send games in secret.

12yo boys living in Australia have no idea what their gamertag is.

12yo boys living in Australia love that parrot that sings drowning pool songs ( oops not video game related) and deems it the greatest video on the Internet.

12yo boys living in Australia think that street fighter is pretty cool but would be cooler if it had blood.

Hmm that’s all I can remember. Now I can see you thinking “ahh 12yo boys living in Australia are the worst thing about video games… Stay off ma xbox live!” but give them a break they’re 12 and stupid. Just keep muting them and you’ll be fine :)

Every so often in the news you see stories that link serious human conditions with playing video games. It’s easy to see how playing a video game makes you obese, murderous (i’m looking at YOU Korea) a little bit tarded. Conversely, there are real life human conditions that manifest themselves in video game culture. They are much harder to spot and in some ways are much more serious (yes more serious than murder this is video games!). Bear with me as i run through a few.

Real Life Condition: Muscle Atrophy

“Muscle atrophy is defined as a decrease in the mass of the muscle; it can be a partial or complete wasting away of muscle.” –Wikipedia

Gaming Equivalent: Skill Atrophy

Skill atrophy is defined as a decrease in your ability to perform simple controller inputs, it can be a partial of complete wasting away of your ability to do a shoryuken.

Personal example: Street Fighter (any)
I will admit i’m not a fantastic street fighter player but I’m not completely shit. I’m not going to enter Seasons Beatings any time soon but i could probably beat a kid in an arcade providing he’s not asian. Thing is, if I don’t play constantly i will completely lose any skills I have. This last couple of weeks i took a break from playing Super to focus on other games and other life commitments. When i got back to the game i found i had little to no strategy, could not pull off ultras properly and was getting my ass handed to me by players I knew i could beat 2 weeks prior. I knew i was playing terribly but i just couldn’t get anything right, i had completely lost the skill to move that stick in the right order. I lost 1000pp in one sitting (if you’re not familiar with PP, all you need to know about that is that’s atrocious). This is a more than just a once off occurrence.

There is no cure. I’ve clearly learnt i can’t stop playing street fighter EVER for fear of having to defend my honour in a random situation, losing and having to perform seppuku.

Real Life Condition: Locked In Syndrome

“Locked-in syndrome is a condition in which a patient is aware and awake but cannot move or communicate verbally due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles in the body except for the eyes.” -Wikipedia

Gaming equivalent: Lawnmower man Syndrome
“Lawnmower Man syndrome is a condition in which a gamer is aware and awake but cannot move his body or communicate verbally due to being ‘totally in the zone man’”

Personal Example: Lumines PSP (close second to Puzzle Quest)
That game.. man that game. If there is any other that can make me lose time, loved ones, personal hygiene it’s Lumines. There’s something about blocks disappearing to the beat of music and the simplicity in the controls and puzzle element that lets you just turn off and run on auto pilot. If you play it long enough in one sitting you would still be playing it in your head when you stopped.
I used to commute an hour on the train every day to get to University (college to our American listeners) and would play Lumines to pass the time, there was a trip when i had to stop playing because i had missed my stop... twice. 

Take the red pill

Real Life Condition: Dissociative identity disorder (or more specifically violent Dissociative identity disorder)

“Dissociative identity disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities (known as alter egos or alters), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment” -Wikipedia

Gaming Equivalent: kKk_cl1tripp3R_420_kKk disorder

“kKk_cl1tripp3R_420_kKk disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes the condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities when playing on Xbox live.”

Personal Example: Halo 3 Xbox Live Multiplayer
You know, i’m a nice guy. I’m progressive, open minded, open a door for a lady and heck I even recycle and know a vegan. However, put me in a Halo 3 matchmaking lobby with ten or so 13yo racist little buggers and i’ll eventually resort to talking about their mothers ability to cook, their position in the class system and sometimes even using homophobic slurs like Bumder. Penny arcade put it best with, there’s not much more i can add:

Oh, unless a hot laddy joins the game, then i’m all about a/s/l and protecting her from those brutes.

Settings > Voice and Text > Friends only. Unless you’re friends with __Joker$tylez[420]__, XxXNGrKKKillaXxX, <==ni9h@tEr2223==> or BobtheWeedSellerGuy (thanks IRC)

Real Life Condition: Synaesthesia 

“Synaesthesia is a neurologically-based condition in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway”

Gaming Equivalent: GrandTheftesia

“GrandTheftesia is a neurowhatsit-based condition in which stimulation by something in real life leads to an automatic, involuntary experience with that object in video games, usually resulting in murdered prostitutes and crushed turtles.”

Personal Example: Burnout 
I played a lot of Burnout, in car view. Burnout rewarded you for close calls but not actually hitting the other cars, going against the traffic and general tomfoolery that’s going to get you or other people seriously hurt in real life. I know it’s a video game, but the thing is that didn’t stop me having to actively think about taking my foot off the accelerator when i saw two cars parked side by side in traffic in real life. The video game instinct scared me sometimes, i would eye up everything and think about how close i could get my car without scratching/killing it. “I can totally make that”, and hell if i couldn’t i could always restart the race right? It was then i decided to stop playing burnout before driving my nephew to playgroup. 

Do what TheToiletDuck don’t does.

Real Life Condition: Chirophobia

“an irrational fear of hands”

Gaming equivalent: Digitusminimusphobia

“an irrational fear of having to use your little finger”

Personal Example: Guitar Hero / Rock Band
I’ve been playing Guitar Hero since it was first released in 2005. At first i was really shaky and could barely pass any song, that’s understandable as i don’t play guitar and this was an entirely new experience. With practice i got much better and could eventually play most of Ziggy Stardust without looking at the notes. That does however come with one giant caveat, i only played on medium because i couldn’t learn to press five buttons. 
Fast forward 5 years to Rock Band 3 and i can still only play on medium. That’s five years. Five years. People learn a language well within five years and i can’t learn to press orange at the right time. Everything that happened in World War 1 was within 5 years and i can’t take that time to pass I love Rock and Roll on expert? Forget about it.

Practice, or in my case pretend you don’t care / blame it on your double jointed knuckles that lock a bit when you try to extend your little finger, a condition that totally exists and doesn’t allow me to do anything that requires skill because it is not my fault and i am awesome and shut up my uncle works at Nintendo.

So there you go five medical conditions that manifest themselves in or around video games. This can be part 1 if you like. I have more ideas but i didn’t really want to take the time out to write it all up if the whole idea flops anyway. So let me know if you want to see more. Or just tell me to STFUAJPG.

p.s. if anyone you know has these conditions, dude it's a joke it's okay i know they're serious.
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I woke at about 4am this morning feeling a combination of dread and
"wow, that was pretty f'd up".

So, the set up: I'm sitting at my desk at work browsing Destructoid
cblogs and i notice an introductory post. Same old stuff so I comment on
"Welcome to dtoid, love you/waffles/ekans all that jazz". The OP posts
back and says "yeah it took me a little while to join because sometimes
i wondered what the hell was going on". I reply "Yeah, this place is
like that sometimes but don't worry just go with the meme and you'll be
That was that.

I leave work and head home (i'm sure there's other stuff that happened
here but i can't remember), only to bump into a friend that i hadn't
seen in a while. We're talking about some useless shit and then Xzyliac
or should i say Xzyliac's avatar, Elly Jackson comes up to me. "oh hey,
Xzyliac" i say and she replies "you're going to get stabbed". My friend
decides this as a good time to get the fuck out of there.

I ask her what the hell is going on? and she tells me that it's too late
and i'll see her at her place in the afternoon.. or something to that
effect. It's hard to remember it now but i remember getting out of a
stabbing for a few hours.

I meet Xzyliac at her place, which happened to be a giant manor with a
big green lawn and she walks out to see me. She's in a suit, looking a lot like
Tilda Swinton in Constantine. She comes out with a knife, a glass of
water, some pills and a tub of rock salt (which i assume to is to put in
my wound to make it hurt like a mother fucker).

She asks if i'm ready and funnily enough by this stage i've accepted my
fate and am scared but know there's not really a way out of it so I just
hope it's not fatal.

I ask her if she could first explain why i'm getting stabbed in the
first place and Xzyliac says "you don't fucking know? You can't go
around speaking shit about Destructoid and not expect people to notice".

"What the hell are you talking about? I've been visiting Destructoid for
years, i love it"

"Love it enough to talk shit in the cblogs" she replies and proceeds to
walk up to her laptop which is on an old oak table, outside on the lawn.

"Wait wait wait, show me what the hell you're talking about" i ask.

As Xzyliac/Elly Jackson/Tilda Swinton walks up her laptop she is
unwrapping the pills and tells me to take them
"it will hurt a lot less if you take these now"

She opens opens a note pad next to her laptop, with numbers scrawled all
over it. Writes down some of the numbers in a sum and circles the
answer. Types the number into the search bar of Destructoid and it comes
up with a loading screen. She's got some sort of crazy mathematical
filing system for posts, crazy.

As a sidenote, while the page is loading i'm half freaking the fuck out
because i'm going to get stabbed and half thinking it's a good
opportunity to recommend some music and chat about the bloody lawn.

"you know the new Mint Chicks EP is out, i think you'll like it. They're
a band from New Zealand" [i'm guessing this snuck into the dream because
i was just reading about it today and i am a fan]

"hey cool, i'll look into it"

"It's an amazing place here"

"Yeah, we're going to get a garden soon. I'm really excited"

Oh yeah, we're buddy buddy right now. Never mind the fact that she's
drugging me and is going to stab me over a cblog comment.

Funny thing, when she brings up the comment page the comments are
organised in coloured blocks like tetris. She slides them all down on
the page until we almost get my whole comment on the bottom line. Only
she gets carried away, puts a long block down the side and **TETRIS** my
comment is gone. She's a little frustrated but explains that it doesn't
matter this is my fate now i've turned on the Destructoid Army.

She stands up, takes the knife out of her breast pocket, i brace myself,
her hand on my shoulder and whammo, a burning sensation right in the kidney.

I wake up and wonder what the fuck was all that about?

Now as a disclaimer, i don't actually know Xzyliac and haven't talked to
him beyond commenting on his posts now and then so it seemed an odd
choice but i've been having messed up dreams lately on account of having
a cold and did read some blogs before bed.

I am fully aware of the extreme creepiness of having a dream
about someone from the internet you don't know but hey i thought it
would give someone a laugh to read and make Xzyliac feel incredibly
weirded out.

A lot of people believe that dreams have meaning, i guess the take home
message from this dream is:

Destructoid clan ain't nuthing ta fuck wit

p.s. this was a very real dream i had and not some shitty destructoid fan fiction. You know it's not fan fiction because nobody got naked and started to fuck Sonic.
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I was listening to Podtoid #1~ well, almost every single one really, when Topher mentioned that he likes waffles, and I know that in previous Podtoid's he's mentioned that he has ... well ... REALLY liked waffles.

Seems like a damned shame that this man doesn't have waffles right now, especially for someone who has lamented that he doesn't have waffles all the time and would also (probably more so than Adam) have a lot of waffles. So, I thought about what could be done to get Topher waffles and I made a semi-serious thought in my head about a "Get Topher Waffles" fund. I thought about it some more and figured "Well, why the hell not?"

As a Dtoid member and a proud member of 'eat waffles'. I've been a waffle eater since many of you were still eating pancakes. So, I have a personal love for the dough based breakfast goodness. I've also been on that line for waffles twice, so I know what that's like.

In the interest of transparency, I'll be glad to put a list of donors and the amounts on a plate (I own several) as well as photos of syrup and berry toppings. Also, I have to say that I've never met Topher nor even spoken to him. He's always been one of those Dtoid personalities that always seems to speak up whenever someone mentions waffles.

So, what do you say, everyone? If I can get some kind of fund going to help to get Topher waffles, would you be willing to contribute?

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