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TheToiletDuck avatar 6:25 AM on 04.14.2010  (server time)
How i learned that if you bad mouth Destructoid, Xzyliac will stab you. (NVGR)

I woke at about 4am this morning feeling a combination of dread and
"wow, that was pretty f'd up".

So, the set up: I'm sitting at my desk at work browsing Destructoid
cblogs and i notice an introductory post. Same old stuff so I comment on
"Welcome to dtoid, love you/waffles/ekans all that jazz". The OP posts
back and says "yeah it took me a little while to join because sometimes
i wondered what the hell was going on". I reply "Yeah, this place is
like that sometimes but don't worry just go with the meme and you'll be
That was that.

I leave work and head home (i'm sure there's other stuff that happened
here but i can't remember), only to bump into a friend that i hadn't
seen in a while. We're talking about some useless shit and then Xzyliac
or should i say Xzyliac's avatar, Elly Jackson comes up to me. "oh hey,
Xzyliac" i say and she replies "you're going to get stabbed". My friend
decides this as a good time to get the fuck out of there.

I ask her what the hell is going on? and she tells me that it's too late
and i'll see her at her place in the afternoon.. or something to that
effect. It's hard to remember it now but i remember getting out of a
stabbing for a few hours.

I meet Xzyliac at her place, which happened to be a giant manor with a
big green lawn and she walks out to see me. She's in a suit, looking a lot like
Tilda Swinton in Constantine. She comes out with a knife, a glass of
water, some pills and a tub of rock salt (which i assume to is to put in
my wound to make it hurt like a mother fucker).

She asks if i'm ready and funnily enough by this stage i've accepted my
fate and am scared but know there's not really a way out of it so I just
hope it's not fatal.

I ask her if she could first explain why i'm getting stabbed in the
first place and Xzyliac says "you don't fucking know? You can't go
around speaking shit about Destructoid and not expect people to notice".

"What the hell are you talking about? I've been visiting Destructoid for
years, i love it"

"Love it enough to talk shit in the cblogs" she replies and proceeds to
walk up to her laptop which is on an old oak table, outside on the lawn.

"Wait wait wait, show me what the hell you're talking about" i ask.

As Xzyliac/Elly Jackson/Tilda Swinton walks up her laptop she is
unwrapping the pills and tells me to take them
"it will hurt a lot less if you take these now"

She opens opens a note pad next to her laptop, with numbers scrawled all
over it. Writes down some of the numbers in a sum and circles the
answer. Types the number into the search bar of Destructoid and it comes
up with a loading screen. She's got some sort of crazy mathematical
filing system for posts, crazy.

As a sidenote, while the page is loading i'm half freaking the fuck out
because i'm going to get stabbed and half thinking it's a good
opportunity to recommend some music and chat about the bloody lawn.

"you know the new Mint Chicks EP is out, i think you'll like it. They're
a band from New Zealand" [i'm guessing this snuck into the dream because
i was just reading about it today and i am a fan]

"hey cool, i'll look into it"

"It's an amazing place here"

"Yeah, we're going to get a garden soon. I'm really excited"

Oh yeah, we're buddy buddy right now. Never mind the fact that she's
drugging me and is going to stab me over a cblog comment.

Funny thing, when she brings up the comment page the comments are
organised in coloured blocks like tetris. She slides them all down on
the page until we almost get my whole comment on the bottom line. Only
she gets carried away, puts a long block down the side and **TETRIS** my
comment is gone. She's a little frustrated but explains that it doesn't
matter this is my fate now i've turned on the Destructoid Army.

She stands up, takes the knife out of her breast pocket, i brace myself,
her hand on my shoulder and whammo, a burning sensation right in the kidney.

I wake up and wonder what the fuck was all that about?

Now as a disclaimer, i don't actually know Xzyliac and haven't talked to
him beyond commenting on his posts now and then so it seemed an odd
choice but i've been having messed up dreams lately on account of having
a cold and did read some blogs before bed.

I am fully aware of the extreme creepiness of having a dream
about someone from the internet you don't know but hey i thought it
would give someone a laugh to read and make Xzyliac feel incredibly
weirded out.

A lot of people believe that dreams have meaning, i guess the take home
message from this dream is:

Destructoid clan ain't nuthing ta fuck wit

p.s. this was a very real dream i had and not some shitty destructoid fan fiction. You know it's not fan fiction because nobody got naked and started to fuck Sonic.

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