Yeah, I'm a little late on this one. I've been bitching about this movie since 2004 and I don't think I'll stop any time soon. I'm gonna try and get this over quick.

In 2006 some concept art was leaked. Whoever drew those concepts needs to be beaten profusely above the vulva because they looked like the result of the Predator having sex with a grinder. Bumblebee looked like a zombie baby from a Tim Burton movie gone wrong, and Incinerator looked like the Alien with six sharp blades jutting from his jagged robotic posterior.

The fans were not pleased.

Then a couple months later the script was leaked. Roberto Orci said it was a false script but all in all it was the same one with a few name changes.

On July 3rd, I watched Transformers. I was completely and utterly shocked by the mediocrity that was splashed upon my eyes.

The basic plot of the film is some 16 year old trying to get laid with the hottest girl in his school while his yellow robot from outer space assists. Meanwhile, a helicopter pops out of nowhere and blasts the fuck out of some military base in the middle-east. Once it's done blasting several buildings to oblivion, it shits out some scorpion thing made of barbed wire that is afflicted with ADD for no reason at all except for a money shot to use in every single trailer and TV spot.

Meanwhile, on Air Force one a boombox transforms into another shiny robot thing made of barbed wire that is high on vicodin, trying to hack into some high-tech computer with access to high-profile government file which is for some reason unprotected and unguarded. It proceedes to stick some metal extendature into a hole and skullfucks the computer until it gets the files.

The lonely teenage nerd meets the other robots from outerspace, consisting of the typical one-dimensional heroic, patriotic, red white and blue character that believes in freedom, a gun-toting Clint Eastwood wannabe, a mute naive yellow robot who can only speak through his radio, the typical medic with three lines, and the black robot who speaks ghetto and gets ripped in half. Yeah, this movie is original.

It all culminates into a battle over some shitty plot device cube thing that can grant life but can't destroy this movie so nobody else has to see it. The following 40 minutes is your typical Michael Bay explosion fest. Of course, there's a happy ending, which surprisingly (or not) consists of the nerd and his hot slut fucking on top of the yellow robot that saved his life.

Basically, this movie defines mediocrity. The robots are completely one dimensional. The first half consists of only humans and Bernie Mac thinking he's funny and the other half is robots goring eachother to death in a movie made for eight year olds. There is absolutely no time in between to give the robots personalities except for the ones pasted on the back of their toy boxes.

All in all, the only saving grace of this film is Shia Labeouf's comical wit, adding the only personality to this plethora of wooden characters. And the CGI is pretty. And a masturbation joke.