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ThePhil
4:52 PM on 02.03.2010

[i]Below you will find a partial transcript of an evening a couple of years ago where one of my brothers and I sat down to play a bunch of games. At the time we decided to liveblog our experience. The blog it used to be on is long since dead, so I figured I'd post it here for posterity's sake. There's really nothing remotely intelligent or terribly funny in here.

P represents me, A represents my brother, and H is our roommate who chimes in occasionally. We really intended to play through the entire collection of ROMs, but never did get through the A's.[/i]

Our story thus far…

Heroes A and P have embarked on an epic journey to play every ROM on a massive NES Dreamcast ROM disc. Starting at 9:30 pm on Friday Feb. 29th, 2008, it is currently 10:42 pm, and they have progressed to The Adventures of Lolo 2. Let’s look in…

P: Lolo has really fuckin’ big eyes. And he’s cross-eyed!

A: There’s probably something I’m not doing here…. That fuckin’ armadillo is gonna get free…Trapped! trapped motherfucker. Oh I can walk over the chest. Very good.

P: Some beer might have to be had.

A: WHAT?! WRAP IT UP? (of an unceremonious death). That’s what she said.

P: Alright moving on…(A takes over blog).

P: Alright, Adventures of Lolo 3. OH SHIT! There’s a world map. Where am I going, there’s a big motherfucking castle I can’t go into. It’s level 3, I can’t go in there. Oh shit there’s dudes in the windows.

A: WHAT?

P: Level 1. Oh yes (takes down level 1) Fucking slug monster. You can’t handle me (takes them out )

P: Oh shit. (dies) I jut got eaten by a fucking slug monster. (He continues to get the shaft from a porcupine shooting spikes)

A: Sooting, I laugh at my own typo.

P: It’s….y-yyou can’t avoid th fucking shit balls. (groan)

P: I can’t get that on down there…..

A: you can block that shit. (He continues to struggle on floor 5)

P: I’m an idiot, I’m a cunt bag. (A reasonable response to another death)

P: I still don’t understand why I’m Lala! Who am I saving?

A: Lolo?

P: No, he’s waiting outside.

(A roommate offers advice…..which leads to another death)

P: Oh, that’s pretty gay. I almost got smoked by an armadillo.

P: O hit I’m out of egg….gunk.

(We argue over how he could have gotten out of it…..he commits suicide)

(A long silence)

(A winner is him)

A: What the fuck is this?

P: Aright, level 1 of Adventures of Lolo 3 has been completed…CAn I switch to Lolo?

P: Fuck me (Yet another genius death, followed by another)

(and another)

P: Alright, I’m pretty stupid.

A: Come on now.

P: (death, followed by a deep breath and a quick soft reset)

Adventures of Lolo (list in alphabetical order)

H: The main character’s name in Lufia II will be Drugs.

A: Wrap it up

A: These are the exact same graphics.

P: June used to play this one all the time.

A: “Them ducks keeps gettin’ me”

P: That dragon looks really happy.

A: He’s probably on Meth. Oh shit me….oh wake up (to a sleeping enemy) SUicide! The Lufia II music is awesome. Adventures of Lolo is fuckin’ bomb dig. Lolo is drunk…

P: What would a blue puffball drink?

A: Mint Julip.

P: Mint Julip? Why?

A: Don’t you know anything about Physics? My theory is, Skinner likes dog food. Suicide time. Eat it. Oooh stairs.

P: Apparently “this is not the end of the battle” Game over.

Adventures of Rad Gravity

P: OH THIS GUY IS RAD! LOOK AT THAT JERRY CURL!

(Apparently there is planet Siberia that has teleproters that Rad Gravity needs to get to “continue his quest”)

P: Fuck I upped the frame rate.

P: That guy’s arm is swinging around AWFUL fast. Alright I cant hurt him, whatever.

P: The enemies are actually moving to the beat of the music, they are getting down. Rad Gravity is so rad that his punches split people into 4 parts.

(Dies)

P: Oh that is NOT RAD at all.

P: I can’t go down to the planet Effluvia.

A: How do you spell Effluvia?

P: Back to Siberia. Oh, this…this is epic.

P: Oh…OH!(Avoiding the barrage of twirling fists)

P: THAT GUY IS FLOATING! And I just fucked him up.

P: OH YEAH, I just killed the arm guy. The floating guy looks lik he is wearing a moo moo and has floating legs and his moo moo is levitating him.

P: Aww my score just sky rocketed for some reason/

P: Mu mu is m-u m-u.

A: Whatever.

P: Rad Gravity is too Rad for me.

Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

A: I’m whippin’ bombs

P: Boris looks like a pedophile.

A: Yeah I’d jump his bones.

P: Bullwinkle looks like he’s in blackface when he dies .

A: I wish Snidley fuckin’ Titlash would go away

P: It’s not Snidley Whiplash…that’s Dudley Dooright’s Archnemesis

Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Too epic for words.

A: We should make nachos soon.

P: You got fucked by a fatass.

P: I have a red hat an you have white hat. Oh fuck i got smoked by a barrel….ohhh…Im crying over my homework.

P: That fat ass jumps when you jump….and that’s game over.

A: I gotta piss.

Advanced Dungeons: Dragon Strike

P: Oh, we have a message on our Wii?

P: Do I want a gold silver or bronze dragon. What’s h for? Hard on? I’m gonna go with a gold dragon. Select difficulty….yeah, Hard.

P: How is this a dungeons and dragon’s game? Where are the dungeons?

A: How are you still surviving on hard?

P: I’m just fucking flying around. Alright….apparently dragon’s spring when they die.

A: Your keyboard sucks.

P: Your mom sucks.

P: Ok! I actually got one.

A: Why did you just become big?

P: Because I’m flying low and high…..and I died again. Alright this game is trash.

AD&D: Heroes of the Lance

P: Oh…there’s 4 AD&D games….and they’re all shit

A: Goldmoon? Sturm? Riverwind? Tanis? TASSLEHOFF?

P: Don’t Tassle the Hoff.

A: Flint, Caramon, Raistlin ….Oh shit…

P: You picked Raistland

H: This game is trash you’re gonna go nowhere fast.

A: Whatever that bitch’s name was, she’s dead. I think I’m FLint now…I just stabbed that person and they exploded…Look at this dance. (ducks and un-ducks repeatredly). Yang from FF4 is kicking my in the shins….(various invectives…..lots of swearing) Oh I got a guy. Yang is still here though.

P: When he gets hit it looks like he’s thrusting his pelvis …

A: I’m surrounded…Yangs are hard to kill

P: I think you’ve survived long in this game than anyone who’s played it…

A: I’m gonna axe this guy in the knees….. how am I still alive

P: You’re down to your last guy…

A: I”m pretty sure I’ve been going in circles….this is the worst game I’ve ever played…

P: This music is a hot jam though.

A: Oh I died.

AD&D: Hillsfar

A: Why would you ride a character?

P: Generate a character. Alright I’m going hafling. Female halfling. (I would like to point out at this time, that the plethora of classes in this game (for a female hafling) tops an insurmountable Fighter, Theif, and the all time favorite….the Fighter-Theif)

P: OH, alignment. Obviously Chaotic Evil.

A: Name her something stupid. (He proceeds to name her “Shitcock, the female halfling, chaotic evil, fighter-theif.)

P: Saving character….

P: SHITCOCK!

P: Apparently I don’t know the controls.

A: That is one slow ass gravity horse.

P: No check it I’m in a gallop. (We laugh as he bails off his horse in a pit) (He arrives at the city of “Hillsfar”)

(There was nothing there)

P: Explore and exit before you are discovered. (He proceeds to enter and try to pick a locked door He failed as somehow none of the keys worked.) (He tries another door and reailizes he broke them all on the first chest)

P: Alright…we’re done.

AD&D Pool of Radience

A: Baba O’Reilly is the theme song. I will be a Female Elf Fight/Magic User/ Thief ….Chaotic Neutral

P: Strength 15…not bad

A: Name….Shitcock will fit….I’m gonna have to go with SHITCOCK…Nice grammar videogame…

P: Environ…go to Environ

A: Begin Adventure! A man approaches…I’m Rolf…

(The game is a 1st person RPG with shit-brown colouring)

A: I’m done.

After Burner

A: Helllllloooo

P: Yes! Top-down shmup!

A: No! 3D!

(Behind the back fighter jet game)

A: I’m crashed into…I’m gonna assume the Pacific

(With “Pacific” we reached 1337 words…we are leet.)

A: I’m getting a headache watching this.

AirWolf

P: This is going to be wicked. Ok, your general is a guy with an eyepatch by the looks of it….or a really poorly shaded face. What was that? The graphics are terrible. Apparently I can’t let these people down.

A: Holy Fuck. That shit’s intense

P: I’m shooting tumours. I died. LOOK YOU MISSED IT AGAIN! Wait for it, it looks like a lamb on top of a wolf, on top of a native…totem….. I think I’m killing my guys…yeah I am, and more tumours.

A: I can’t wait to see that llama shit. (he dies) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

P: Where is my health? There it is….oh that’s pretty stupid.

P: HOT JAMS (bouncing in time with the monotonous tick tick tick of the gun shots)

P: LOW FUEL? Nobody told me I had to refuel.

P: Alright we’re done.

Air Fortress

P: YOu are approaching the first air fortress….alright that’s cool, can I play? Oh yes, bring it on assholes.

P: So I look like a gay spaceman uhhhh…riding a surfboard…in space. And I’m shooting spinning capitol Is.

P: Oh, I’m getting of my..surfboard. YOu are now entering the air fortress.

A: What the Christ?

A: Did you die?

P: Nope, I’m going further into the air fortress.

A: You have a jetpack?

P: Yeah.

A: You can kill those.

P: I guess so.

P: But killing the cylin…oh I can’t kill the cylinders….This is actually not terrible.

A: Kill that moth. ( he does so, and gets an “E” which I can only assume is Ecstacy, the drug)

P: I believe I have reached a dead end. Oh no, ok. Alrigh that’s mother brain apparently. (I laugh at the resemblence)

P: Alright I killed motherbrain. aaaand now I’m fighting the eye of Sauron.

P: And it doesn’t do anything Woah I killed it, everything’s dark and the music has changed, AND I GOT MY SURFBOARD BACK. FUCK!! (He is speeding through a tunnel)

P: I beat the first Air Fortress, yeah that was fucking wicked.

P: Awwww a windmill killed me.

A: ahahah

P: Ohhh….game over? Oh no Aright moving on. Ar Fortress is actually not terrible.

Alfred Chicken

A: I thought this was on the SNES

P: It was on everything

H: There’s a Super Mario World hack that uses these graphics

A: Oh come on I jumped and fluttered, what more do you want? I died at the first…let’s try this again. I got it now. Don’t worry, crisis averted.

P: It’s almost midnight and we’re not through the A’s…

A: Do you have to like power up your jumps or something? Come on Alfred Chicken ….You bastard get up on that cheese. The first level consists of a block of cheese you can’t jump over. What does that balloon do. That I would actually like to know. And that fucking mouse got me again.

So apparently this game is impossible….what did I just do? I can totally…I tried to dive peck him but it didn’t work.

(Kills first enemy with a dive peck)

50 points bitches! That balloon apparently does nothing. This game would be wicked if I could figure out how the jumping system worked.

Alien 3

P: That is one DRIPPING alien. So, b is jump and a is gun, that is highly unintuitive. Well, and Alien killed me. Nope ust knocked me down…….oh it knocked me down again.

P: It makes a “you’re dead noise” every time you get knocked down. You clearly have a life meter. That’s annoying. I only have 30 bullets left.

A: This looks like Contra

P: Ehhh, it’s kind of a free roaming contra.

P: I think I’ve hit a dead end. I have grenades (A sudden realisation)

P: …..and a flamethrower, and a gun, which is out of bullets, and a…shotgun I guess? And…grenades. Ummm, still at a dead end.

A: There you go climb up the ladder.

P: This is where I came from. UH! Ok, now we’re making some progress. (after a switch reveals a path)

P: If you hold jump, he keeps jumping.

P: Apparently I’ve rescued 2 p-…time up, you failed to rescue….well then, moving on.

Alien Syndrome

P: I got Process Cheese Product on my computer.

A: That you did.

A: Alien Syndrome...



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