[i]Below you will find a partial transcript of an evening a couple of years ago where one of my brothers and I sat down to play a bunch of games. At the time we decided to liveblog our experience. The blog it used to be on is long since dead, so I figured I'd post it here for posterity's sake. There's really nothing remotely intelligent or terribly funny in here.
P represents me, A represents my brother, and H is our roommate who chimes in occasionally. We really intended to play through the entire collection of ROMs, but never did get through the A's.[/i]
Our story thus far…
Heroes A and P have embarked on an epic journey to play every ROM on a massive NES Dreamcast ROM disc. Starting at 9:30 pm on Friday Feb. 29th, 2008, it is currently 10:42 pm, and they have progressed to The Adventures of Lolo 2. Let’s look in…
P: Lolo has really fuckin’ big eyes. And he’s cross-eyed!
A: There’s probably something I’m not doing here…. That fuckin’ armadillo is gonna get free…Trapped! trapped motherfucker. Oh I can walk over the chest. Very good.
P: Some beer might have to be had.
A: WHAT?! WRAP IT UP? (of an unceremonious death). That’s what she said.
P: Alright moving on…(A takes over blog).
P: Alright, Adventures of Lolo 3. OH SHIT! There’s a world map. Where am I going, there’s a big motherfucking castle I can’t go into. It’s level 3, I can’t go in there. Oh shit there’s dudes in the windows.
P: Level 1. Oh yes (takes down level 1) Fucking slug monster. You can’t handle me (takes them out )
P: Oh shit. (dies) I jut got eaten by a fucking slug monster. (He continues to get the shaft from a porcupine shooting spikes)
A: you can block that shit. (He continues to struggle on floor 5)
P: I’m an idiot, I’m a cunt bag. (A reasonable response to another death)
P: I still don’t understand why I’m Lala! Who am I saving?
P: No, he’s waiting outside.
(A roommate offers advice…..which leads to another death)
P: Oh, that’s pretty gay. I almost got smoked by an armadillo.
P: O hit I’m out of egg….gunk.
(We argue over how he could have gotten out of it…..he commits suicide)
(A long silence)
(A winner is him)
A: What the fuck is this?
P: Aright, level 1 of Adventures of Lolo 3 has been completed…CAn I switch to Lolo?
P: Fuck me (Yet another genius death, followed by another)
P: Alright, I’m pretty stupid.
A: Come on now.
P: (death, followed by a deep breath and a quick soft reset)
Adventures of Lolo (list in alphabetical order)
H: The main character’s name in Lufia II will be Drugs.
A: Wrap it up
A: These are the exact same graphics.
P: June used to play this one all the time.
A: “Them ducks keeps gettin’ me”
P: That dragon looks really happy.
A: He’s probably on Meth. Oh shit me….oh wake up (to a sleeping enemy) SUicide! The Lufia II music is awesome. Adventures of Lolo is fuckin’ bomb dig. Lolo is drunk…
P: What would a blue puffball drink?
A: Mint Julip.
P: Mint Julip? Why?
A: Don’t you know anything about Physics? My theory is, Skinner likes dog food. Suicide time. Eat it. Oooh stairs.
P: Apparently “this is not the end of the battle” Game over.
Adventures of Rad Gravity
P: OH THIS GUY IS RAD! LOOK AT THAT JERRY CURL!
(Apparently there is planet Siberia that has teleproters that Rad Gravity needs to get to “continue his quest”)
P: Fuck I upped the frame rate.
P: That guy’s arm is swinging around AWFUL fast. Alright I cant hurt him, whatever.
P: The enemies are actually moving to the beat of the music, they are getting down. Rad Gravity is so rad that his punches split people into 4 parts.
P: Oh that is NOT RAD at all.
P: I can’t go down to the planet Effluvia.
A: How do you spell Effluvia?
P: Back to Siberia. Oh, this…this is epic.
P: Oh…OH!(Avoiding the barrage of twirling fists)
P: THAT GUY IS FLOATING! And I just fucked him up.
P: OH YEAH, I just killed the arm guy. The floating guy looks lik he is wearing a moo moo and has floating legs and his moo moo is levitating him.
P: Aww my score just sky rocketed for some reason/
P: Mu mu is m-u m-u.
P: Rad Gravity is too Rad for me.
Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
A: I’m whippin’ bombs
P: Boris looks like a pedophile.
A: Yeah I’d jump his bones.
P: Bullwinkle looks like he’s in blackface when he dies .
A: I wish Snidley fuckin’ Titlash would go away
P: It’s not Snidley Whiplash…that’s Dudley Dooright’s Archnemesis
Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Too epic for words.
A: We should make nachos soon.
P: You got fucked by a fatass.
P: I have a red hat an you have white hat. Oh fuck i got smoked by a barrel….ohhh…Im crying over my homework.
P: That fat ass jumps when you jump….and that’s game over.
A: I gotta piss.
Advanced Dungeons: Dragon Strike
P: Oh, we have a message on our Wii?
P: Do I want a gold silver or bronze dragon. What’s h for? Hard on? I’m gonna go with a gold dragon. Select difficulty….yeah, Hard.
P: How is this a dungeons and dragon’s game? Where are the dungeons?
A: How are you still surviving on hard?
P: I’m just fucking flying around. Alright….apparently dragon’s spring when they die.
A: Your keyboard sucks.
P: Your mom sucks.
P: Ok! I actually got one.
A: Why did you just become big?
P: Because I’m flying low and high…..and I died again. Alright this game is trash.
AD&D: Heroes of the Lance
P: Oh…there’s 4 AD&D games….and they’re all shit
A: Goldmoon? Sturm? Riverwind? Tanis? TASSLEHOFF?
P: Don’t Tassle the Hoff.
A: Flint, Caramon, Raistlin ….Oh shit…
P: You picked Raistland
H: This game is trash you’re gonna go nowhere fast.
A: Whatever that bitch’s name was, she’s dead. I think I’m FLint now…I just stabbed that person and they exploded…Look at this dance. (ducks and un-ducks repeatredly). Yang from FF4 is kicking my in the shins….(various invectives…..lots of swearing) Oh I got a guy. Yang is still here though.
P: When he gets hit it looks like he’s thrusting his pelvis …
A: I’m surrounded…Yangs are hard to kill
P: I think you’ve survived long in this game than anyone who’s played it…
A: I’m gonna axe this guy in the knees….. how am I still alive
P: You’re down to your last guy…
A: I”m pretty sure I’ve been going in circles….this is the worst game I’ve ever played…
P: This music is a hot jam though.
A: Oh I died.
A: Why would you ride a character?
P: Generate a character. Alright I’m going hafling. Female halfling. (I would like to point out at this time, that the plethora of classes in this game (for a female hafling) tops an insurmountable Fighter, Theif, and the all time favorite….the Fighter-Theif)
P: OH, alignment. Obviously Chaotic Evil.
A: Name her something stupid. (He proceeds to name her “Shitcock, the female halfling, chaotic evil, fighter-theif.)
P: Saving character….
P: Apparently I don’t know the controls.
A: That is one slow ass gravity horse.
P: No check it I’m in a gallop. (We laugh as he bails off his horse in a pit) (He arrives at the city of “Hillsfar”)
(There was nothing there)
P: Explore and exit before you are discovered. (He proceeds to enter and try to pick a locked door He failed as somehow none of the keys worked.) (He tries another door and reailizes he broke them all on the first chest)
P: Alright…we’re done.
AD&D Pool of Radience
A: Baba O’Reilly is the theme song. I will be a Female Elf Fight/Magic User/ Thief ….Chaotic Neutral
P: Strength 15…not bad
A: Name….Shitcock will fit….I’m gonna have to go with SHITCOCK…Nice grammar videogame…
P: Environ…go to Environ
A: Begin Adventure! A man approaches…I’m Rolf…
(The game is a 1st person RPG with shit-brown colouring)
A: I’m done.
P: Yes! Top-down shmup!
A: No! 3D!
(Behind the back fighter jet game)
A: I’m crashed into…I’m gonna assume the Pacific
(With “Pacific” we reached 1337 words…we are leet.)
A: I’m getting a headache watching this.
P: This is going to be wicked. Ok, your general is a guy with an eyepatch by the looks of it….or a really poorly shaded face. What was that? The graphics are terrible. Apparently I can’t let these people down.
A: Holy Fuck. That shit’s intense
P: I’m shooting tumours. I died. LOOK YOU MISSED IT AGAIN! Wait for it, it looks like a lamb on top of a wolf, on top of a native…totem….. I think I’m killing my guys…yeah I am, and more tumours.
A: I can’t wait to see that llama shit. (he dies) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
P: Where is my health? There it is….oh that’s pretty stupid.
P: HOT JAMS (bouncing in time with the monotonous tick tick tick of the gun shots)
P: LOW FUEL? Nobody told me I had to refuel.
P: Alright we’re done.
P: YOu are approaching the first air fortress….alright that’s cool, can I play? Oh yes, bring it on assholes.
P: So I look like a gay spaceman uhhhh…riding a surfboard…in space. And I’m shooting spinning capitol Is.
P: Oh, I’m getting of my..surfboard. YOu are now entering the air fortress.
A: What the Christ?
A: Did you die?
P: Nope, I’m going further into the air fortress.
A: You have a jetpack?
A: You can kill those.
P: I guess so.
P: But killing the cylin…oh I can’t kill the cylinders….This is actually not terrible.
A: Kill that moth. ( he does so, and gets an “E” which I can only assume is Ecstacy, the drug)
P: I believe I have reached a dead end. Oh no, ok. Alrigh that’s mother brain apparently. (I laugh at the resemblence)
P: Alright I killed motherbrain. aaaand now I’m fighting the eye of Sauron.
P: And it doesn’t do anything Woah I killed it, everything’s dark and the music has changed, AND I GOT MY SURFBOARD BACK. FUCK!! (He is speeding through a tunnel)
P: I beat the first Air Fortress, yeah that was fucking wicked.
P: Awwww a windmill killed me.
P: Ohhh….game over? Oh no Aright moving on. Ar Fortress is actually not terrible.
A: I thought this was on the SNES
P: It was on everything
H: There’s a Super Mario World hack that uses these graphics
A: Oh come on I jumped and fluttered, what more do you want? I died at the first…let’s try this again. I got it now. Don’t worry, crisis averted.
P: It’s almost midnight and we’re not through the A’s…
A: Do you have to like power up your jumps or something? Come on Alfred Chicken ….You bastard get up on that cheese. The first level consists of a block of cheese you can’t jump over. What does that balloon do. That I would actually like to know. And that fucking mouse got me again.
So apparently this game is impossible….what did I just do? I can totally…I tried to dive peck him but it didn’t work.
(Kills first enemy with a dive peck)
50 points bitches! That balloon apparently does nothing. This game would be wicked if I could figure out how the jumping system worked.
P: That is one DRIPPING alien. So, b is jump and a is gun, that is highly unintuitive. Well, and Alien killed me. Nope ust knocked me down…….oh it knocked me down again.
P: It makes a “you’re dead noise” every time you get knocked down. You clearly have a life meter. That’s annoying. I only have 30 bullets left.
A: This looks like Contra
P: Ehhh, it’s kind of a free roaming contra.
P: I think I’ve hit a dead end. I have grenades (A sudden realisation)
P: …..and a flamethrower, and a gun, which is out of bullets, and a…shotgun I guess? And…grenades. Ummm, still at a dead end.
A: There you go climb up the ladder.
P: This is where I came from. UH! Ok, now we’re making some progress. (after a switch reveals a path)
P: If you hold jump, he keeps jumping.
P: Apparently I’ve rescued 2 p-…time up, you failed to rescue….well then, moving on.